Thoughts on Exodus

I cannot believe how bad this book is. If it is possible to suck more than Genesis, Exodus has done it. Well, that's not entirely true. There are a few - a very few - positive takeaways from Exodus. In the Exodus 21-23 post, we learned the following: Do not help a guilty party by being a malicious witness. Do not follow the crowd in doing wrong. Do not execute an innocent or honest person. Do not accept bribes. Unfortunately, this small bit of good instruction is outnumbered by an avalanche of total crap, ranging from nonsensical to horrifying.

Leviticus is up next. My Christmas present to you is to get through the entire thing during the month of December. It doesn't seem terribly long and what I've read so far has been pretty entertaining, so I'm hoping it's easier to get through and write about than Exodus was.

I cannot stress enough how agonizing it was to plod through some of these chapters. I plan to never read Exodus again.

Exodus 35-40

Let's finish Exodus, so we never, ever have to read it again, mmkay?

The remainder of this book is so repetitive, boring and horrible that I can hardly believe I survived to tell about it. And with that sentence, you know all you need to know about the rest of Exodus. But because I'm so gosh darned thorough, here are some highlights from Exodus 35-40:

• Now that God has given us his terrific list of commandments, let's take him offerings, including gold, silver, brass, shittim wood, dyed rams' skin, incense, oil and onyx stones. I try to peel away the layers of this mind numbingly detailed ritual to find what's at the heart of it, and guess what? Nothing is there. OK, I didn't try that hard. I was too busy wishing I was done with this stupid book.
• Those with willing hearts, in whom the Lord put wisdom and understanding, will bring offerings for the Lord. What in the hell does God need with this stuff anyway? 
• And then there's the detail about the tabernacle. GAH! I wanted to gouge my eyes out reading this. Linen curtains of cubits and more cubits. Loops of fifty made he. Fifty taches of gold, curtains of goat hair, rams' skin dyed red, and badger skin. Sockets of silver and brass, bars of shittim wood, and purple and scarlet needlework. Gold overlay, gold rings, gold crowns, gold candlesticks, and gold cherubs beaten out of one piece made he them, on the two ends of the mercy seat. And he made his seven lamps, and his snuffers, and his snuffdishes of pure gold.
• Your altar needs pots and basins and fire pans and flesh hooks and shovels for the numerous burnt offerings you're going to have. You'll need to butcher animal after animal to make things right with God. What a gory, bloody place this tabernacle must have been. 
• The brass of the offering is seventy talents, and two thousand and four hundred shekels. I'm stating the obvious here.
• The ministers wear fancy outfits in the tabernacle. Girding thyselves with girdles. Wearing bonnets, rings of gold and wreathen chains fastened in the ouches (where are the ouches again? I forget). And an ephod bedazzled with onyx, jasper, amethyst, agate, carbuncle, sardius, emerald and gold in their enclosings. If all this sounds familiar, it's because we already read this same verbose description earlier in Exodus. Cut to the chase, God. Jesus Christ.
• God tells Moses to gather the congregation in the tabernacle on the first of the month. Light the candles, burn the incense, and slaughter some animals for the Lord your God.
• Aaron and his sons are the ministers. To prepare for the altar ceremony (which I guess you could call church?), they don their fancy boy clothes, dot themselves with oil and wash their feet. Then God will show up at the tabernacle as a cloud by day and fire by night.

Thank God we have finished Exodus. I was beginning to think it would never happen, but I just put my trust in God and it happened. That's the power of prayer.

Exodus 34

A few points of comparison between this chapter and the earlier set of commandments:

• Exodus 20 refers to the list as "my commandments"; only Exodus 34 uses the phrase "the ten commandments." 
• Unlike the verbal list in Exodus 20, Exodus 34 is written in stone. Which seems more official to you?
• The list in Exodus 34 is important enough to recreate after Moses brakest the original set of stone tablets a few chapters back.

Clearly this chapter provides the official, finalized, authorized ten commandments. And now on with our story.

When Moses saw the people of Israel worshiping a golden calf, he brakest the stone tablets written in God's own hand. God instructs Moses to cut two new pieces of stone. Obviously Moses needs to take care of this, because how the heck could God cut two pieces of stone? I guess in his current form, he doesn't have hands. Moses scampers up Mt. Sinai for yet another private 40 days and 40 nights with God. For an old man, he is quite the mountain climber. The two lads recreate the tablets. God twice indicates the wording mirrors the first set.

It is now time to reveal the much anticipated ten commandments. Now remember, this is the inerrant word of God:

1. Thou shalt worship no other gods. This is a match with Exodus 20 except it's lots wordier. Thrice this commandment tells us not to go "a whoring" after other gods. No problem! All gods will remain strictly separate of my numerous whoring activities.
2. Thou shalt make thee no molten gods. Good news -- this must mean graven images are now ok.
3. The feast of unleavened bread shalt thou keep in the month when the ear is on the corn. What month is that? Also, firstborn male sons, cattle, ox and sheep are God's. "But the firstling of an ass thou shalt redeem with a lamb: and if thou redeem [him] not, then shalt thou break his neck." Stating the obvious here.
4. Six days shalt thou work, but on the seventh thou shalt rest. Another match with Exodus 20.
5. Thou shalt observe the feast of weeks. I do enjoy a good feast.
6. Three times a year, the male folk are to appear before the Lord. How would this work exactly? Does God show up down here? Do the men visit him in heaven? Do they all go at once? How do they get there?
7. Thou shalt not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leavened bread. This one's self explanatory.
8. The fat of my feast shall not remain all night until the morning. So I guess take the garbage out.
9. Take the first fruits of your land to the house of the Lord. This commandment is probably easier to observe if you farm. Well, assuming you know how to get to God's house, that is.
10. Thou shalt not boil a baby goat in its mother's milk. A commandment I am guaranteed never to brakest.

If you don't follow these holy guidelines, please know that God "will send punishment on children for the sins of their fathers." He will visit your kin with iniquities for four generations. But he's a just and merciful god.

Exodus 32-33

Moses heads up Mt. Sinai for a private talk with God. The people quickly decide he is gone forever and tell Aaron they want a new god (one that does what it should, one that won't make me feel too bad, one that won't make me feel too good). Aaron's response is to melt everyone's gold earrings and fashion a golden calf. He builds an altar for offering burnt sacrifices to their new god, and the numskulls start worshiping the golden calf.

When the Lord gets wind of this, his wrath waxes very hot against these stiffnecked people (stiffnecked?). Moses reminds God that these are his chosen people he brought out of Egypt to return to the promised land. Come on, God, you can't kill them all now. "And the LORD repented of the evil which he thought to do unto his people." So God gets pissed off, and Moses talks him down. The all powerful, all knowing, almighty God flies into a rage when he sees his people worshiping a piece of gold. These folks didn't get dumber all of a sudden. They've been somewhere between marginal to horrible the entire time. This shouldn't surprise God. In fact, isn't it pretty much his own doing?

Moses heads down the mountain with newly carved tablets containing the ten commandments (the familiar list you read in Exodus 20 is not THE ten commandments). He sees his people dancing around the golden calf, and he is very wroth. He slams the tablets into the ground, breaking them. This is the first document written in God's own hand and he breaks the damn things. Aaron distances himself, claiming the people pushed him into this and all he did was throw gold into a fire and the calf popped out on its own. Moses then notices that everyone is naked, "for Aaron had made them naked unto [their] shame among their enemies." What? Moses reclaims control of the situation and has the sons of Levi kill about 3,000 people. That usually gets your point across.

Moses tells the people he will atone for their sins and get everything squared away with God. He walks up Mt. Sinai yet again. God says these children of Israel are a stiffnecked people, have them remove their ornaments. And of course they do. That's really the best first step when you're trying to make amends with someone - remove your ornaments.

Moses walks down the mountain and heads into the tabernacle, followed closely by God in the form of a pillar of cloud (form of a pail of water, form of an eagle... wonder twin powers, activate!). The people see the pillar of cloud and stand by their tents and worship. These are the same morons who were just worshiping a hunk of gold, so what can you say? God proclaims, "I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will shew mercy on whom I will shew mercy." Well that narrows it down.

It's time for God to leave now, and he will pass by in glory but will cover thy eyes. "Thou shalt see my back parts, but my face shall not be seen." What are God's "back parts" anyway? Does God have a hiney? For that matter, does God have a face? Wasn't he just a pillar of cloud a few verses ago? Is he a shape shifter?

The next post will be the long awaited ten commandments.  Until then, I beg of you, do not offer the blood of a sacrifice with leaven.

Exodus 30-31

Chapter 30 continues with the rules for the tabernacle. Aaron is to build an altar of shittim wood on which to burn incense. No "strange incense" though, only the good stuff. God requires money offerings as an atonement for sins. Even the poor are to give at least half a shekel (if you're trying to calculate, a shekel is twenty gerahs). Is God low on cash? What does he do with the money? How does money pay off a sin?

God wants Aaron and company to wash their hands and feet in a brass basin. He also wants a holy ointment to be made from myrrh, cinnamon, calamus and cassia. You cannot put the oil on a stranger because they are NOT blessed. If you do such a foolish thing, plan on being cut off from the chosen people forever. God also likes perfume. He prefers a mix of stacte, onycha, galbanum and frankincense. Mix it just right and it's holy. However, if anyone makes a similar, imperfect concoction, they will be cut off from the chosen people forever. What does God need with frankincense and brass basins anyway? Where do you get these things when wandering across the desert for 40 years? Is holy behavior just about rituals and meeting absurd demands? If so, what good is it?

Chapter 31 tells us twice that we are not to work on the sabbath. Penalty: Death. Don't let anyone tell you this is just an Old Testament custom and it doesn't apply today. The bible is very clear this is a "perpetual convenant." That's forever, folks. "For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, and on the seventh day he rested, and was refreshed." Why does the ruler of all creation need a day off to rest? If he is omnipresent (present everywhere, all the time, all at once), how is it even possible to take a day off? Am I missing something?

Buckle up - the golden calf and the real ten commandments are up next.

Exodus 29

I bet you're curious how to sanctify the altar and the tabernacle of the congregation. Well, wonder no more. Chapter 29 explains just what to do. These instructions were intended for Aaron and sons, but since the bible is the inerrant word of God, this information is easily adapted for your modern day life:

• Find an unblemished bull and two rams. Bring to the door of the tabernacle and wash with water.
• Put some unleavened bread, wafers and wheat flour into a basket.
• Get dressed in the proper attire: robe of the ephod, breastplate, mitre upon thy head, crown upon the mitre. Anoint your head with oil. Gird thyself with a girdle.
• Kill the bull and put its blood upon the altar with thy finger. Then pour the blood beside the bottom of the altar. Burn the bull's kidney and fat on the altar. Burn its flesh, skin and poop outside as a sin offering. I hope I'm not insulting your intelligence by stating something so obvious.
• Kill one of the rams and sprinkle its blood on the altar. Chop it into pieces and wash its insides. Burn the entire ram on the altar as a burnt offering.
• Kill the other ram and put some of its blood on your right ear and your sons' right ears, right thumbs and right big toes. Sprinkle the blood and some anointing oil on yourself, your garments, your sons and their garments.
• Wave some bread and the ram's fat, kidneys, butt and right shoulder in the air for a wave offering before the Lord. Then burn it on the altar as a burnt offering.
• Wave the ram's breast in the air for a wave offering before the Lord. Sanctify the breast of the wave offering, and the shoulder of the heave offering, which is waved, and which is heaved up, of the ram of the consecration.
• Whatever's left of the ram gets boiled. Eat that and some bread by the door of the tabernacle. Don't allow a stranger to eat of it, for it is holy and only for you. Whatever is left in the morning must be burned, for it is holy.
• Follow the above steps for seven days. 
• Offer a continual burnt offering at the door of the tabernacle.

And that's all there is to it. Happy sanctifying!

Exodus 24-28

God tells Moses, Aaron and some other important menfolk to come up unto him. Moses will have a one-on-one and the others will keep their distance. This is an essential part of making shit up. The make-believe conversations you're having with God can't be witnessed by anyone else.

Moses builds an altar, burns a few oxen and sprinkles blood around. Standard altar stuff you probably do at home. Then he spends 40 days and 40 nights with God on Mt. Sinai. God gives Moses directions for building a tabernacle, the good old ark of the covenant. I need to watch Indiana Jones again to see how he fits into this whole story. God goes into excruciating detail about how to build the ark. It's made of shittim wood with gold overlay, three branches of the candlestick, and tongs thereof. There are purple, blue and scarlet curtains of linen. There are cherubims, fifty hooks of gold, forty sockets of silver. There are brass rods, more shittim wood, cubits of this, and cubits of that. The detail is mind numbing.

Aaron and his sons become ordained ministers which appears to mostly involve wearing the right garments, including a breastplate, an ephod, a robe, a broidered coat, a mitre and a girdle. You must bedazzle your ephod with sardius, topaz, carbuncle, emerald, sapphire, diamond, ligure, agate, amethyst, beryl, onax, jasper and gold. Beneath the hem of the garment you are to put a bell and a pomegranate. I couldn't make this up, folks. Aaron's sons wear linen breeches to cover their nakedness. They also don bonnets and girdles. I guess the fancy boys like a little role play. Things can get a little dull trekking across the desert.

The whole idea is for Aaron and company to be dressed in a suitably holy way when they are at the altar. This brings us to Chapter 29 and the subject of how to minister. I was going to include that in this post but I just don't have it in me to trudge through another overly detailed chapter tonight. Soon though - stay tuned for more fun and godly learning with Moses and the gang.

Exodus 21-23

If you thought the ten commandments were an outstanding set of guidelines for living a moral, upstanding life, you are in for a real treat as we continue with Exodus. Law after glorious law.

• Hebrew slaves are to be freed after six years of service. If a slave brought his family along when he was bought, he can take them when he leaves. If he married one of his master's slaves, he's out of luck. If your slave asks to stay, have him stand against a door and slam an awl through his ear. Once you pierce his ear, he can be a slave forever. How lucky for him.
• If you sell your daughter and her new owner is not satisfied with his purchase, he can sell her but NOT to a foreigner. Well that's just common sense.
• If you kill someone, the penalty is death. If you didn't intend for them to die, God will find you a hiding place
• If you attack your parents, the penalty is death.
• If you curse your parents, the penalty is death.
• If you kidnap someone, the penalty is death.
• If you beat a slave to death, you'll be punished (but not put to death. I mean, it's not like you cursed your parents or something serious). If the slave lives for a couple days after you beat him, there's no punishment "for he is (your) money."
• If you punch a pregnant woman but she doesn't suffer serious injury, you'll pay a fine. If the woman is injured or miscarries, the punishment must match the injury (familiar phrase alert): eye for eye, tooth for tooth.
• If you punch your slave in the face and destroy his or her eye, you must let them go free.
• If you punch your slave in the face and knock out his or her tooth, you must let them go free.
• There's quite a list of livestock laws. Here's the first one, just to give you the idea: If your ox gores someone to death, you must stone it to death but don't eat its meat. If you've been warned about this particular ox, you get stoned to death unless you can afford a fine.
• If you catch someone breaking into your house, you can kill them without penalty unless it's daylight. Stating the obvious here.
• "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." Boy, this one caused some problems.
• If you have sex with an animal, the penalty is death.
• It's odd to read something sensible in this list, but there are a few good points. Do not help a guilty party by being a malicious witness. Do not follow the crowd in doing wrong. Do not execute an innocent or honest person. Do not accept bribes.
• If you offer a sacrifice to any other god, you will be "utterly destroyed." Sigh. Seriously?

God announces he will send an angel to Canaan ahead of the Hebrews. He will send his fear upon them and destroy all the people to whom thou shalt come. He will also send hornets to drive the people out. But not all at once. God wants to ensure the land and livestock are properly maintained in advance of the Israelites' arrival. These folks who've been minding their own business in Canaan for hundreds of years are in for a surprise.

Exodus 20

It's time for the ten commandments, boys and girls. Don't look now but this familiar list is actually not the ten commandments. The official "ten commandments" appear later in Exodus and you aren't going to believe it when we get there. I'll just say I hope you haven't ever boiled a baby goat in its mother's milk. But for now, God spake all these words:

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.  Remind me how this has anything to do with moral behavior? And when someone insists that we have only one God, remember this commandment. The big man himself says there are multiple gods.
2. No graven images, which the Basic English Bible translates as not making "an image or picture of anything in heaven or on the earth or in the waters under the earth." If your child draws a picture of fish in the ocean, this commandment is broken. Our "jealous God" promises he will visit "the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me." So if you don't buy into this list, your great-grandchildren will be punished. Pretty sure that's not moral.
3. Don't take God's name in vain. Why not? I do it all the time.
4. Keep the Sabbath holy. I think only Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A follow this one. God gives his top ten rules and the first four have nothing to do with how we should behave or treat one another. So far he has focused on keeping people in their place and under his spell.
5. Honor your father and mother. This sounds good but is too simpleton in reality. What if your parents are abusive assholes? If you're the victim of incest, should you be held to this commandment? This sounds like a good rule for keeping people in their place. If someone has more power than you do, too bad for you. How about respecting and honoring those who have protected and helped you on your path through life? Wouldn't something like that be more useful?
6. Thou shalt not kill. The bible has done a shit job on this commandment so far. And what about euthanasia? Self defense? Soldiers at war? Do you support the death penalty? How many abortion doctors have been shot and killed with this commandment held up as justification? Wherever you stand on these issues, it's pretty clear it's more complicated than this one-dimensional edict.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery. If the rules for life are to be whittled down to a top ten list, I say this doesn't make the cut. Why not a more general guideline about keeping your promises? Or maybe we could have an item about treating people fairly and honestly. How about thou shalt not manipulate or take advantage of people. Why did adultery and graven images make the list but nothing about rape and torture? A bunch of 20th century Catholic priests could have used a commandment along those lines. A priest who rapes a little kid doesn't break a single commandment, unless he does it on a Sunday. And *I'm* the asshole for not believing this list is the greatest code of human behavior ever written?
8. Thou shalt not steal. I'm against stealing as much as the next guy, and it's easy to understand why we have laws against theft. However, if you survived Hurricane Katrina, were you wrong to steal baby formula for your child? Ethics are situational; the ten commandments don't have any notion of that. That's an important point for this entire list. This is also a good time to point out that without the ten commandments, we'd still have concluded that taking other people's stuff is wrong. Plenty of societies have figured this out without the bible.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. Does this commandment pertain to courtroom testimony, or false statements against other people or any form of lying? Are white lies wrong? And who qualifies as a neighbor, and why include that phrase in the first place? Is God saying if you're a damn foreigner, I can bear false witness against you? Also, if I know where your battered wife is hiding I'm going to lie to you about it, commandments be damned.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, wife, slaves, ox, ass or property. This one is the thought police. Jealous of your neighbor's car? Envy their beautiful house? Wish you had a nice tight ass like theirs? All wrong, folks. It's OK to own slaves, just don't covet your neighbor's. Notice that women are property too. Stupid fucking list. Seriously.

I think these rules should be on display at every courthouse in America, don't you?

Exodus 18-19

Moses is spending a lot of time settling disputes and interpreting God's laws for the Hebrews. His father-in-law Jethro advises him to set up a judicial system. Moses hearkens to the voice of Jethro and rounds up the able God-fearing men who hate covetousness. He instructs them to settle the garden variety disputes, freeing him up to deal with the most complicated legal cases.

When the Hebrews set up camp in Sinai, God beckons Moses from the mountaintop. He reminds Moses that he destroyed the Egyptians while bearing his people "on eagles' wings." And he will raise you up on eagles' wings, bear you on the breath of dawn. Make you to shine like the sun, and hold you in the palm of his hand... Yes, this book is ridiculous, but I do dig the tunes.

God is going to deliver the most important rules for life, and Moses needs to prepare his people properly. They are to wash their clothes and abstain from sex. That helps you listen apparently. I do wonder how Moses spake this message unto 600,000 people. OK, so Moses will walk up into the mountainside, but the people are NOT to follow him. Penalty: Death. I bet you cynically think this prevents anyone from calling Moses' bluff and proving he's not up there talking to the almighty. Well, God is going to make himself known to the masses. He will appear with the thunders and lightnings, descend upon Mt. Sinai in fire, and bellow through the clouds. Really, why would you visibly appear to everyone and remove all doubt when you can quake the whole mount greatly? With that, the plans are in place. Buckle up - the ten commandments are right around the corner.

Exodus 15-17

The Israelites are joyful and triumphant now that Pharaoh's finest are dead at the bottom of the Red Sea. The Lord hath dashed the enemy into pieces. Hooray! They break out in song, and the ladies dance with tambourines.

Moses and company continue their travels, and after three days in the wilderness they find themselves without water. They discover water in Marah but darn the luck, it is too bitter to drink. The people complain and cry. God tells Moses to throw a tree in the water which as any idiot knows makes the water sweet. Problem solved.

They travel on and run out of food. The people complain some more. God and Moses talk some more. God makes it rain manna, a type of bread (unleavened, of course). There are rules for how much to collect and on what days. The Hebrews can't keep the rules straight and God gets pissy. They get it all straightened out, and the people eat manna for their entire 40 year journey to Canaan. Why is it taking so long to get there?

The next place they set up camp has no water. Sigh... this again. The people moan and groan. This time God tells Moses to strike a rock and water will come out. This isn't good enough for the Hebrews. They ask, "is the LORD among us, or not?" These people have seen thousands upon thousands of people murdered for no reason other than being born in the wrong place, and they know Moses is the only reason they've made it this far, yet they take every opportunity to bitch.

A battle breaks out with some people led by a fellow named Amalek. The Hebrews are led by Joshua, who is mentioned as though we've known him all along. Moses, Aaron and Hur watch the fight from a hilltop. "And it came to pass, when Moses held up his hand, that Israel prevailed: and when he let down his hand, Amalek prevailed." Moses' arms get tired so Aaron and Hur hold them up for him. I couldn't make this shit up, folks. Take a big guess which side wins. Right.

Moses builds an altar, and calls the name of it Jehovahnissi. Good choice.

Exodus 13-14

We begin today's reading with a recap on the numerous rules for eating bread. We also learn that Hebrews are to sanctify their firstborn sons and beasts to God. Apparently that means they are more special or something. Because, again, we are so thankful that when God slaughtered all those people, he spared us because we slaughtered a lamb. And because we're extra special for no apparent reason.

And it came to pass that Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt by way of the Red Sea. No one had time to pack the yeast before they hit the road, so they are stuck with unleavened bread for the trip. God seems to hate leavened bread though, so I think this works out. Moses has enough spare time to locate and dig up Joseph's bones so he can carry them to Canaan. Nothing odd about that.

The exodus from Egypt begins, and God takes the form of a pillar of cloud to guide them by day, and a pillar of fire to guide them by night. Recall Jacob's kin made this trek between Egypt and Canaan many times, but Moses' group apparently has a poor sense of direction. Although with a party of 600,000+, a pillar of fire might be a practical thing to take along.

The Lord hardens Pharaoh's heart yet again and has him decide he doesn't want to free the Hebrews after all. WTF. Pharaoh leads a group of 600 chariots to overtake Moses and gang. Because 600 chariots and crew can overtake 600,000+ people whose leader has already slaughtered them 10 times over. Right. And here's an idea - why doesn't God just murder everyone like he did with good old Er and Onan. Why all the games? Well, God repeatedly says he wants his presence to be known - remember this next time someone says God can't make himself visible to us because it's all about faith, and blah blah blah.

We've reached another scene that everyone knows. Moses parts the Red Sea so his folks can scamper across and get away from the moronic Egyptians who just keep coming back for more. Pharaoh and crew follow, and as you well know, the wall of water crashes down on them. "There remained not so much as one of them." Wouldn't there be a historical record of all the king's finest crew and horses drowning in 600 chariots?

"And Israel saw that great work which the LORD did upon the Egyptians: and the people feared the LORD, and believed the LORD, and his servant Moses." Yeah, great work, God. Way to murder everyone.

Exodus 12

Chapter 11 ended with the description of the 10th plague. Show of hands - who knew the 10th plague is actually Passover? Yes, that Passover. The Jewish holiday you don't particularly understand. Well, prepare to be dazzled. God has outdone himself on this one.

Chapter 12 explains the rules of Passover, when God passes over the houses of the Hebrews and murders the firstborn son and beast of the Egyptians. Something to celebrate, no?

• On the tenth day of the first month of the year, get a young unblemished male lamb. Hold it until the 14th day, then slaughter it at dusk. 
• Smudge some of the lamb's blood on the sides and top of the door. This will let God know where the chosen people are (shouldn't he know?). 
• Bake the lamb with its head, legs and innards. This should go without saying but do NOT boil it. 
• Eat all you can and burn the rest by sunrise.
• Make sure you're wearing your shoes. Holding a stick is also recommended. 
• During the night, God will kill all the Egyptian firstborn men and beast. It seems he does this simultaneously, unlike Santa Claus' nighttime routine where he visits houses one by one. God is just that powerful.
• From the first through the seventh days, eat unleavened bread. So is this just bread without yeast? Am I missing something? If you eat Wonderbread between the first and seventh days, you are cut off from Israel forever. 
• On the first and seventh days, hold holy meetings and don't work.
• From the 14th through the 21st day, same deal on the bread. If Wonderbread is even in the house, you're out of the tribe. 
• Slaves and house guests can take part in Passover rituals, provided they are circumcised.

Annual lamb and bread rituals are to be carried out forever. When your children ask, "Seriously, what in the hell are we doing?", your answer should be, "We are celebrating God not slaughtering us when he slaughtered all those other people. Let's slaughter something!" 

So God does all the planned murdering, and Pharaoh has finally had enough. He tells Moses to get his people out of Egypt. "The Egyptians were forcing the people on, to get them out of the land quickly; for they said, We are all dead men." No kidding. How are there any Egyptians left? And haven't the livestock been killed several times over by now? God tinkers with Egyptian minds so they look on the Hebrews with favor and hand over their silver and gold. That is just rude. Christ. I mean God.

And it came to pass that the Lord led 600,000+ Israelites out of Egypt. They are in too big of a hurry to pack the yeast so it's all unleavened bread for the journey. God tells them not to share their bread with anyone along the way who is uncircumcised.

Exodus 7-11

These chapters were brutal to get through, and you should thank me for summarizing it in the following manner.

• Moses: Let me people go!  Pharaoh: Nah, I think I'll keep them.
• To prove God's power, Egypt is subjected to a plague of:

1. Turning the river to blood and killing all the fish. The local magicians re-create the same plague.
2. Smiting the land with frogs. The magicians pull this stunt too. Note: It would have been more useful to make all the frogs disappear.
3. Afflicting every creature with lice. The magicians are powerless to keep up. Obviously only a real god can do this one!
4. Creating swarms of flies that completely destroy the land.
5. Killing all the Egyptian livestock.
6. Making boils appear on all men and livestock (which were killed one plague ago).
7. Raining forth a storm of hail and fire that kills everything that somehow survived previous plagues.
8. Covering the land with locusts that eat everything that's left.
9. Blanketing everything with darkness so dark you can feel it (ooh! scary!), and yet providing light for the Hebrew houses. Because that's how light works. You can totally partition it off between houses.
10. Sending God around Egypt at midnight to kill all firstborn sons of Egyptians and their slaves as well as the firstborn sons of all the livestock that no longer exist (see plagues 5, 7 and 8).

• Pharaoh, stunned by the severity of the plague, relents. OK, your people can go.
• An act of magic ends the plague.
• After a moment of reprieve, Pharaoh changes his mind. Actually God changes Pharaoh's mind for him by hardening his heart. Dick.
• ** Return to first list item above and read through the list again, selecting the next plague in the list. Lather, rinse, repeat. **

Each plague is very obviously nonsense, but let's pretend it's real and look at other elements of this story. God causes Pharaoh to change his mind. What is the point? Are we chess pieces or puppets? What about free will? And if the point is to prove he's the all powerful god, why not visibly appear to everyone instead of only in secret to Moses? Why don't the Egyptians who survive a given plague rise up and kill Pharaoh when they realize he's the a-hole who's extending this whole mess? And what is up with magicians who can recreate the first few plagues? Even if you buy the notion that God is behind all these other plagues, shouldn't the magicians be your clue this story might not be true?

This story needs to start sucking less. I'm getting fussy.

Exodus 5-6

Take a guess what bubbled up to the surface as I read Exodus Chapter 5. Sunday school memories? Religion class in high school? Lessons from CCD? No, no and no. My first thought was Nervous Night, the Hooters' cassette tape I played the crap out of in junior high. Holy Moses met the Pharaoh. Yeah, he tried to set him straight. Looked him in the eye. Said let my people go! ... All you zombies, show your faces, all you people in the street. All you sitting in high places, the rain's gonna fall on you.

And we danced, like a wave on the ocean, romanced. Had I known Exodus was so good to rock out to, I would have read it a long time ago. Nothing lasts forever, only fades away. Day by dayyyy.

Just like the Hooters taught us, Moses tells Pharaoh to let his people go. Pharaoh says, bitch please. And with that, it's on. Pharaoh's first little stunt is to withhold straw from the Hebrew slaves yet demand they make just as many bricks. Apparently straw is a key supply. There are beatings when the brick production slows down.

Moses informs God his initial convo with Pharaoh didn't go so well. God responds, "I am the LORD" (I like how he yells some words) and reveals he is also named Jehovah. A nickname, I suppose. God says the groaning of the Israelites reminded him of his covenant with Abraham. I guess he was a little out of it while things got out of control in Egypt. And now Moses is his go-to guy to return these folks to Canaan. God tells Moses to get back in the game, man.

God runs through the list of Abraham's descendants, and tells Moses to repeat the whole thing to Pharaoh. Moses is concerned about his uncircumcised lips, which according to other versions of the bible means his unskilled speech. How you get from A to B on this one is beyond me.

Exodus 3-4

As Moses leads his father-in-law Jethro's flock, he happens upon a burning bush somehow not consumed by the fire. An angel of the Lord appears in the flames and talks to him. When Moses answers, God pipes up. The angel is kind of like a secretary. Please hold for God on line 2. God wants to free his people from oppression. He'd like them to reside in the land of milk and honey (hey, another familiar phrase) and return to the land of the Canaanites (also the land of Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites, but I'm calling it Canaan unless it becomes evident I should call it something else). Recall Canaan is also Noah's grandson, who was forever enslaved because his dad saw his grandpa naked. Say what?

Moses learns he will be instrumental in getting the chosen people out of Egypt. He is nervous about dealing with Pharaoh, but God says he'll be there alongside him. You just won't see or hear him. Moses will tell the Hebrews the god of their fathers has sent him, but how will he respond when they ask who that is? How will Moses answer a stumper like that? God responds, "I AM THAT I AM." Why can't he just say the god who sent him is God, as in THE God?

God gives Moses the ability to perform magic tricks and gives him a magic staff. Moses is still hesitant and says he is a poor speaker. God is getting pretty pissed off with the excuses and says to drag his brother Aaron along. God will do the talking through him. Here's an idea. Why doesn't God just visibly appear to everyone instead? It's the same kinda deal with people who talk to God today, so at least God is consistent I suppose. The guy is really fond of secret one-on-ones.

Moses finds Jethro sitting on a park bench, eyeing little girls with bad intent. Snot is running down his nose, greasy fingers smearing shabby clothes. Drying in the cold sun, and watching as the frilly panties run. Feeling like a dead duck, spitting out pieces of his broken luuuuuck. Jethro tells Moses to go in peace, so he does. Recall Moses fled Egypt after killing someone. Well, God has seen to it that those who were after him are dead now. I guess it pays to be one of the chosen people.

God is going to tinker with Pharaoh's brain so he will not set the Hebrews free, no matter how many magic tricks Moses performs. He's going to "harden his heart." I wonder if he's gonna swallow his tears too.

The topic of killing of firstborn sons is back in the picture. Moses has an infant son whom God is ready to murder. Zipporah, Moses' old lady, circumcises the baby with a sharp stone (wha??). She throws the foreskin at Moses' feet and says, "a bloody husband thou art to me." God is suitably impressed and doesn't kill anyone. Outpatient surgery with a dusty rock on an infant's penis. Ummmkay.

Moses meets up with Aaron and the elder Israelites and gives them the lowdown on the magic tricks and whatnot. They believe everything without question. They just know good times are ahead.

Exodus 1-2

The days of Genesis are long behind us. Jacob's children, the 12 tribes of Israel, are dead and gone. Their descendants are very fertile and have "waxed exceedingly mighty" in Egypt.

A new Pharaoh takes the helm and is concerned the Israelites are a little too plentiful and strong. It isn't clear how he can tell Egyptians from Hebrews. Does he look for the circumcised? This wouldn't include the gals though. Or maybe it's skin color/racism? Somehow he knows who the Hebrews are and enslaves them. Makes sense. The Egyptians work them extra hard, yet they keep multiplying with wild abandon. Pharaoh has had enough so he instructs the Hebrew midwives to kill male Hebrew newborns. The midwives are too God fearing to do so, and God rewards them with houses. Good choice. He also makes Jacob's people extra, extra fertile. Take that, Pharaoh. Then Pharaoh extends his order to everyone in Egypt: "Every son that is born ye shall cast into the river, and every daughter ye shall save alive." This is some sinister stuff. It also makes zero sense.

The Hebrew babe we will later know as Moses is born. His mom can tell he is a goodly child, and it takes her three months to dump him in the Nile. She builds him a little ark of bulrushes, so technically she is meeting Pharaoh's demands, and yet the wee one has a chance of survival. Provided the elements don't get him first. Or wild animals. Or a leaky ark. Or hypothermia. Or starvation.

Pharaoh's daughter finds the baby. Wouldn't there be lots of babies in the water? This is a horrifying image. Or is Moses' mom the only one who complied? Or has only one baby been born? The lady feels sorry for him and selects a wet nurse from the nearby Hebrew slaves. And wouldn't you know, it's Moses' mom! She weans him and hands him over to Pharaoh's daughter to raise. How did she then get rid of Moses' birth mom, and how did she swing bringing a Hebrew kid into the family without Pharaoh knowing?

One verse later, Moses is a grown man. He somehow knows he is an Israelite. He sees an Egyptian beating an enslaved Hebrew and something in him snaps. He murders the Egyptian, then high tails it to Midian to hide. He finds a girl there to marry. She conceives (a son, of course) and they name the baby Gershom, "for he said, I have been a stranger in a strange land." I like finding familiar phrases like this as a I read along. I have to wonder though - how did we pluck a little nugget like this and somehow get past/ignore the ludicrous story where it appears?

OK so the stupid Pharaoh dies. The enslaved Israelites groan and wail loud enough for God to hear. Apparently he's been out to lunch this whole time. He takes notice and is concerned. Because slavery is evil and wrong? Why, no. Because the Hebrews are the descendants of Abraham. And that causes God to remember his little old covenant with Abraham. Hope everyone is circumcised.