Deuteronomy 9-16

In today's reading, Moses is still speaking to the Hebrews, summarizing and repeating the law. He's been talking so long, I wonder if anyone is still listening. Also, aren't there like a million people on this journey? Does he have a really boss sound system? How does this work?

Moses reminds the chosen people of the kooky time when they worshipped the golden calf. God was very wroth, and only thanks to Moses were they not destroyed. In anger, Moses did brakest the tablets containing the Ten Commandments though. He and God refashion those and spell out the specifications for an ark to house the new ones. Moses' brother Aaron and his Levite kin, the priests, are to bear the ark of the covenant. As a special bonus, they are left out of inheriting any of the promised land. Sorry about that. Hope you enjoy the honor of toting around the ark made of shittim wood. The Hebrews are to both fear and love God, and to him thou shalt cleave. Circumcise therefore the foreskin of your heart, and be no more stiffnecked. OK then.

Remember when God opened up the Red Sea and swallowed all those people? Remember when the earth opened up her mouth and gobbled up Dathan, Abiram, all of their households and possessions? Isn't God so great and mighty? If you obey his commandments, you will be blessed. If you don't, you will be cursed. Destroy any place that worships other gods. Overthrow their altars, break their pillars, burn their groves, hew down their graven images. Bring your offerings and tithes before the Lord. Don't eat the blood of any sacrificed animal. If someone around you worships another god, you must kill them. If a town is full of such non-believers, destroy it utterly. Why is God so threatened by other gods? If he really is the one true god, what does he care? Shouldn't he be more secure?

Do not cut yourself, nor make any baldness between your eyes for the dead. Thou shalt not eat any abominable thing. Stick with the animals that have cloven hooves and chew the cud. Tithe, tithe, tithe. God needs money, folks. Every seven years, debts are forgiven and slaves are released. If your slave asks to stay, take an awl and thrust it through his ear and he'll be yours forever. What slave asks to stay? And why barbarically pierce his ear? The firstborn male in thy herd and thy flock shalt be eaten before the Lord, unless it has a blemish or is blind or lame. Eat those within thy gates; God doesn't want to see the ugly ones. Don't forget to pour its blood upon the ground like water.

Observe the feast of unleavened bread (Passover) during the month of Abib. Then put the sickle to the corn and celebrate the feast of weeks. The feast of the tabernacles is observed after thy gathers thy corn and thy wine. Three times a year all the menfolk appear before the Lord with an offering associated with each festival. How this works is beyond me. Where do they meet up with him, or do they go up to heaven? How do they get there? What does God need with bread and wine?

Exodus 29

I bet you're curious how to sanctify the altar and the tabernacle of the congregation. Well, wonder no more. Chapter 29 explains just what to do. These instructions were intended for Aaron and sons, but since the bible is the inerrant word of God, this information is easily adapted for your modern day life:

• Find an unblemished bull and two rams. Bring to the door of the tabernacle and wash with water.
• Put some unleavened bread, wafers and wheat flour into a basket.
• Get dressed in the proper attire: robe of the ephod, breastplate, mitre upon thy head, crown upon the mitre. Anoint your head with oil. Gird thyself with a girdle.
• Kill the bull and put its blood upon the altar with thy finger. Then pour the blood beside the bottom of the altar. Burn the bull's kidney and fat on the altar. Burn its flesh, skin and poop outside as a sin offering. I hope I'm not insulting your intelligence by stating something so obvious.
• Kill one of the rams and sprinkle its blood on the altar. Chop it into pieces and wash its insides. Burn the entire ram on the altar as a burnt offering.
• Kill the other ram and put some of its blood on your right ear and your sons' right ears, right thumbs and right big toes. Sprinkle the blood and some anointing oil on yourself, your garments, your sons and their garments.
• Wave some bread and the ram's fat, kidneys, butt and right shoulder in the air for a wave offering before the Lord. Then burn it on the altar as a burnt offering.
• Wave the ram's breast in the air for a wave offering before the Lord. Sanctify the breast of the wave offering, and the shoulder of the heave offering, which is waved, and which is heaved up, of the ram of the consecration.
• Whatever's left of the ram gets boiled. Eat that and some bread by the door of the tabernacle. Don't allow a stranger to eat of it, for it is holy and only for you. Whatever is left in the morning must be burned, for it is holy.
• Follow the above steps for seven days. 
• Offer a continual burnt offering at the door of the tabernacle.

And that's all there is to it. Happy sanctifying!

Exodus 24-28

God tells Moses, Aaron and some other important menfolk to come up unto him. Moses will have a one-on-one and the others will keep their distance. This is an essential part of making shit up. The make-believe conversations you're having with God can't be witnessed by anyone else.

Moses builds an altar, burns a few oxen and sprinkles blood around. Standard altar stuff you probably do at home. Then he spends 40 days and 40 nights with God on Mt. Sinai. God gives Moses directions for building a tabernacle, the good old ark of the covenant. I need to watch Indiana Jones again to see how he fits into this whole story. God goes into excruciating detail about how to build the ark. It's made of shittim wood with gold overlay, three branches of the candlestick, and tongs thereof. There are purple, blue and scarlet curtains of linen. There are cherubims, fifty hooks of gold, forty sockets of silver. There are brass rods, more shittim wood, cubits of this, and cubits of that. The detail is mind numbing.

Aaron and his sons become ordained ministers which appears to mostly involve wearing the right garments, including a breastplate, an ephod, a robe, a broidered coat, a mitre and a girdle. You must bedazzle your ephod with sardius, topaz, carbuncle, emerald, sapphire, diamond, ligure, agate, amethyst, beryl, onax, jasper and gold. Beneath the hem of the garment you are to put a bell and a pomegranate. I couldn't make this up, folks. Aaron's sons wear linen breeches to cover their nakedness. They also don bonnets and girdles. I guess the fancy boys like a little role play. Things can get a little dull trekking across the desert.

The whole idea is for Aaron and company to be dressed in a suitably holy way when they are at the altar. This brings us to Chapter 29 and the subject of how to minister. I was going to include that in this post but I just don't have it in me to trudge through another overly detailed chapter tonight. Soon though - stay tuned for more fun and godly learning with Moses and the gang.