In today's reading, Moses is still speaking to the Hebrews, summarizing and repeating the law. He's been talking so long, I wonder if anyone is still listening. Also, aren't there like a million people on this journey? Does he have a really boss sound system? How does this work?
Moses reminds the chosen people of the kooky time when they worshipped the golden calf. God was very wroth, and only thanks to Moses were they not destroyed. In anger, Moses did brakest the tablets containing the Ten Commandments though. He and God refashion those and spell out the specifications for an ark to house the new ones. Moses' brother Aaron and his Levite kin, the priests, are to bear the ark of the covenant. As a special bonus, they are left out of inheriting any of the promised land. Sorry about that. Hope you enjoy the honor of toting around the ark made of shittim wood. The Hebrews are to both fear and love God, and to him thou shalt cleave. Circumcise therefore the foreskin of your heart, and be no more stiffnecked. OK then.
Remember when God opened up the Red Sea and swallowed all those people? Remember when the earth opened up her mouth and gobbled up Dathan, Abiram, all of their households and possessions? Isn't God so great and mighty? If you obey his commandments, you will be blessed. If you don't, you will be cursed. Destroy any place that worships other gods. Overthrow their altars, break their pillars, burn their groves, hew down their graven images. Bring your offerings and tithes before the Lord. Don't eat the blood of any sacrificed animal. If someone around you worships another god, you must kill them. If a town is full of such non-believers, destroy it utterly. Why is God so threatened by other gods? If he really is the one true god, what does he care? Shouldn't he be more secure?
Do not cut yourself, nor make any baldness between your eyes for the dead. Thou shalt not eat any abominable thing. Stick with the animals that have cloven hooves and chew the cud. Tithe, tithe, tithe. God needs money, folks. Every seven years, debts are forgiven and slaves are released. If your slave asks to stay, take an awl and thrust it through his ear and he'll be yours forever. What slave asks to stay? And why barbarically pierce his ear? The firstborn male in thy herd and thy flock shalt be eaten before the Lord, unless it has a blemish or is blind or lame. Eat those within thy gates; God doesn't want to see the ugly ones. Don't forget to pour its blood upon the ground like water.
Observe the feast of unleavened bread (Passover) during the month of Abib. Then put the sickle to the corn and celebrate the feast of weeks. The feast of the tabernacles is observed after thy gathers thy corn and thy wine. Three times a year all the menfolk appear before the Lord with an offering associated with each festival. How this works is beyond me. Where do they meet up with him, or do they go up to heaven? How do they get there? What does God need with bread and wine?
Showing posts with label Aaron. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Aaron. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Numbers 18-20
After such greatly entertaining chapters, we were bound to have a dud in Numbers 18. Again we learn about the rules and regulations involved in being a priest. God has given priestly powers to only Aaron and the Levites, and any stranger who cometh nigh will be put to death. When it comes to offerings, God wants the very best wine, wheat and oil. Make sure the beasts you massacre are the tastiest ones too. He will also take one-tenth of the money tithed by the Israelites, and the Levites get the rest. Such a deal.
In Chapter 19, we learn how to purify ourselves after being defiled by corpses. This is useful information given that so many people were recently slaughtered. He that toucheth a dead man is unclean for seven days. A red heifer without blemish is to be sacrificed. Burn him up and gather the ashes. Mix into the water of separation, and sprinkle it upon unclean people and tents. If you don't do this, you are to be cut off from the chosen people forever.
We begin Chapter 20 on a sad note. Moses' sister Miriam dies and is buried in Kadesh. We spend all of one verse bidding her farewell.
The people are thirsty and complain to Moses and Aaron, who visit the tabernacle and fall on their faces. The glory of the Lord appears, and Moses is instructed to gather everyone before a rock. He is to speak to the rock and it shalt give forth water for man and beast alike. Moses gets a wild hair and decides to hit the rock instead. The water springs forth and the people drink, but this insubordination upsets God so much that he announces he will not bring the congregation into the promised land after all.
Moses and company are on their own for the next step of the journey. Moses sends a messenger to King Edom, asking if they can pass through his land. Edom refuses, so the group goes the way of Mount Hor. God appears again, telling Aaron and his son Eleazar to walk up Mount Hor. Aaron is to be stripped of his garments which will then be worn by Eleazar. Aaron is also instructed to die at the top of the mount, which he dutifully does. When the Israelites learn of Aaron's death, they mourn for 30 days.
In Chapter 19, we learn how to purify ourselves after being defiled by corpses. This is useful information given that so many people were recently slaughtered. He that toucheth a dead man is unclean for seven days. A red heifer without blemish is to be sacrificed. Burn him up and gather the ashes. Mix into the water of separation, and sprinkle it upon unclean people and tents. If you don't do this, you are to be cut off from the chosen people forever.
We begin Chapter 20 on a sad note. Moses' sister Miriam dies and is buried in Kadesh. We spend all of one verse bidding her farewell.
The people are thirsty and complain to Moses and Aaron, who visit the tabernacle and fall on their faces. The glory of the Lord appears, and Moses is instructed to gather everyone before a rock. He is to speak to the rock and it shalt give forth water for man and beast alike. Moses gets a wild hair and decides to hit the rock instead. The water springs forth and the people drink, but this insubordination upsets God so much that he announces he will not bring the congregation into the promised land after all.
Moses and company are on their own for the next step of the journey. Moses sends a messenger to King Edom, asking if they can pass through his land. Edom refuses, so the group goes the way of Mount Hor. God appears again, telling Aaron and his son Eleazar to walk up Mount Hor. Aaron is to be stripped of his garments which will then be worn by Eleazar. Aaron is also instructed to die at the top of the mount, which he dutifully does. When the Israelites learn of Aaron's death, they mourn for 30 days.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Numbers 11-12
Numbers has been mostly boring thus far, so Chapter 11 is a pleasant surprise. As the Hebrews journey towards the promised land, they start complaining about everything. This makes God very angry. You know how it is when you take the kids on a long car trip, and they start acting like spoiled brats. God's reaction is to light several of them on fire. He does have a temper, folks.
The chosen people don't take a hint and whine about being hungry. They are tired of eating manna, the bread that magically falls from the sky. They miss Egypt where they had better food. Even though they were slaves, at least they were well fed. This bitching and moaning makes Moses and God very wroth. Moses has carried these numskulls in his bosom, as a nursing father bearing the sucketh child (what?). And yet they bitch! He asks God to either kill him or shut these people up. God puts his spirit upon 70 elders so they can help Moses out, whatever that means. He then makes a bunch of quail rain down round about the camp. He's still furious and to make himself feel better about feeding these people, he afflicts the quail eaters with a horrible plague and kills them. And he called the name of that place Kibrothhattaavah: because there they buried the people that lusted. Obviously.
Chapter 12 reveals it isn't just the bratty minions who aren't getting along. Moses' siblings Aaron and Miriam are fussy as well. They don't like that Moses married an Ethiopian woman instead of an Israelite. They are also mad that God deals directly with Moses instead of including them. This makes God very wroth and he afflicts Miriam with leprosy. Aaron realizes he's in deep shit and pleads with Moses for mercy. Moses takes this message to God who heals Miriam after she is shut out of the camp for seven days. The entire group of one or two million people have to wait around for seven days until she's good to go.
Those who have not been murdered by God leave Hazeroth and head toward Paran.
The chosen people don't take a hint and whine about being hungry. They are tired of eating manna, the bread that magically falls from the sky. They miss Egypt where they had better food. Even though they were slaves, at least they were well fed. This bitching and moaning makes Moses and God very wroth. Moses has carried these numskulls in his bosom, as a nursing father bearing the sucketh child (what?). And yet they bitch! He asks God to either kill him or shut these people up. God puts his spirit upon 70 elders so they can help Moses out, whatever that means. He then makes a bunch of quail rain down round about the camp. He's still furious and to make himself feel better about feeding these people, he afflicts the quail eaters with a horrible plague and kills them. And he called the name of that place Kibrothhattaavah: because there they buried the people that lusted. Obviously.
Chapter 12 reveals it isn't just the bratty minions who aren't getting along. Moses' siblings Aaron and Miriam are fussy as well. They don't like that Moses married an Ethiopian woman instead of an Israelite. They are also mad that God deals directly with Moses instead of including them. This makes God very wroth and he afflicts Miriam with leprosy. Aaron realizes he's in deep shit and pleads with Moses for mercy. Moses takes this message to God who heals Miriam after she is shut out of the camp for seven days. The entire group of one or two million people have to wait around for seven days until she's good to go.
Those who have not been murdered by God leave Hazeroth and head toward Paran.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Numbers 6-8
And the Lord spake unto Moses in Chapter 6, explaining how to become a Nazarite. Judging by other bible translations, it looks like this is a clergy person. You take an oath to keep yourself separate and give yourself to the Lord. Par-tay. To be a good Nazarite, it's crucial that you grow out your hair. Drinking wine is prohibited. In fact, all varieties of grapes (moist and dried) must be avoided at all times. Stay away from dead bodies while you're at it. There is one potential snag. Say you go through the steps to become a Nazarite and then someone drops dead next to you, touching your hair on the way to the ground. Then you have to shave your head and start over. Take two turtles or two young pigeons to a priest, one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering. God would like some unleavened bread, oil and a drink offering at this time. Pizza Rolls would be a good choice too.
In Chapter 7, the leader of each tribe presents an offering before the Lord. This goes on for 89 verses and I considered flinging myself out the window rather than read it. I split the difference and just skimmed it. The sons of Gershon give two wagons and four oxen. God needs those. The sons of Helon, Shedeur, Zurishaddai, Huey, Dewey and Luey each take a turn. There are spoons of gold, shekels of this and that, one year old lambs, goats, silver chargers (huh?), gold, incense and more. Everyone piles their gifts on the altar in the tabernacle for a dedication.
God spake unto Moses some more in Chapter 8, this time focusing on the Levites. First, Aaron lights the lamps. The candlesticks are to be made of beaten gold, unto the shaft thereof. Now that's my kind of candlestick. The Levites clean themselves by sprinkling water, washing their clothes and shaving every inch of their bodies. The next thing you want to do when you're good and clean is slaughter some bullocks to make an atonement for your sins. The Levites will serve the Lord in the tabernacle and in return for this wonderful honor, God will take all their firstborn. It's a fond reminder for God of the time he smote all the firstborn of Egypt. I don't think he's going to kill the Levite firstborn; it seems he just wants to own them. And who could blame him really?
Get excited because in Chapter 9 we are finally, finally going to get the F out of Sinai.
In Chapter 7, the leader of each tribe presents an offering before the Lord. This goes on for 89 verses and I considered flinging myself out the window rather than read it. I split the difference and just skimmed it. The sons of Gershon give two wagons and four oxen. God needs those. The sons of Helon, Shedeur, Zurishaddai, Huey, Dewey and Luey each take a turn. There are spoons of gold, shekels of this and that, one year old lambs, goats, silver chargers (huh?), gold, incense and more. Everyone piles their gifts on the altar in the tabernacle for a dedication.
God spake unto Moses some more in Chapter 8, this time focusing on the Levites. First, Aaron lights the lamps. The candlesticks are to be made of beaten gold, unto the shaft thereof. Now that's my kind of candlestick. The Levites clean themselves by sprinkling water, washing their clothes and shaving every inch of their bodies. The next thing you want to do when you're good and clean is slaughter some bullocks to make an atonement for your sins. The Levites will serve the Lord in the tabernacle and in return for this wonderful honor, God will take all their firstborn. It's a fond reminder for God of the time he smote all the firstborn of Egypt. I don't think he's going to kill the Levite firstborn; it seems he just wants to own them. And who could blame him really?
Get excited because in Chapter 9 we are finally, finally going to get the F out of Sinai.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Numbers 2-5
A few people have asked about the break I've taken from the good book. It wasn't planned and I'm not busy. The reason is simple: this book sucks. Back before the flood, people may have lived for hundreds of years, but their life stories were reasonably short. We're now on our third book featuring Moses. For the love of God, will he never die? And how did Joseph and his kin scurry to Canaan and back multiple times, yet Moses is taking f-o-r-e-v-e-r to get past Mt. Sinai. I'm ready for God to spake unto someone besides Moses, but it doesn't look like there's any relief in sight. I'm going to plow through some content tonight if it kills me. Praying to God for strength and wisdom.
And now on with our story.
Chapter 2 repeats the long list of tribes and headcounts. This book, besides being absurd and boring, is unbelievably repetitive. "Then the tribe of Benjamin: and the captain of the sons of Benjamin shall be Abidan the son of Gideoni. And his host, and those that were numbered of them, were thirty and five thousand and four hundred." That's the kind of detail you need to tell me only once but thanks, bible, for making sure this pointless minutia is run into the ground.
In Chapter 3, the Levites are tallied. Instead of counting the men age 20 and older, God's interested in every male one month old and up. "On the day that I smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt I hallowed unto me all the firstborn in Israel, both man and beast: mine shall they be: I am the LORD." If you're wondering who's included, think along the lines of Kohath, Amram, and Izehar, Hebron and Uzziel. God instructs Moses to pay Aaron for the Levites. So these fellows now belong to God, whatever that means.
Chapter 4 outlines the responsibilities of Aaron and the Levite priests. The sons of Kohath carry the holy things. Aaron and sons cover the ark of the testimony with a vail, badger skins, a blue cloth and shall put in the staves thereof. The sons of Gershon between the ages of 30 and 50 are in charge of the tabernacle curtains. The sons of Merari between the ages of 30 and 50 are in charge of the tabernacle boards, bars, pillars and sockets thereof. If you want to live a good moral life, you need to understand these very important words of God. Otherwise, enjoy eternal hellfire, heathen.
The Lord spake unto Moses some more in chapter 5. "Command the children of Israel, that they put out of the camp every leper, and every one that hath an issue, and whosoever is defiled by the dead." So I guess these sad folks just get shunned out of their camps and are left to fend for themselves in the desert? But he's a just God who loves you. God also explains that people need to pay up to be forgiven for their sins. Let the trespass be recompensed unto the Lord. God needs the money. He is saving up for a down payment on his first house.
Then finally the story gets interesting. Adultery, hooray! If a man suspects his wife is having an affair, they can go before a high priest with a meal offering of a tenth part of an ephah of barley meal (without oil or perfume, obviously). The priest in turn will put some dust into a bottle of holy water and put a jealousy offering in the woman's hands. If cheating couples of today would just do this, so many marriages could be saved. The divorce rate would plummet. We must spread the good news! Anyway, the woman drinks some bitter water and the priest casts a spell (sorry, witches, but that's pretty much what is happening here). The bitter water will travel through the woman to her very bowels. If she's innocent of adultery, she will remain fertile. If she's guilty, her gut and legs will rot away and she'll be a curse among her people. This is the law of jealousies.
And now on with our story.
Chapter 2 repeats the long list of tribes and headcounts. This book, besides being absurd and boring, is unbelievably repetitive. "Then the tribe of Benjamin: and the captain of the sons of Benjamin shall be Abidan the son of Gideoni. And his host, and those that were numbered of them, were thirty and five thousand and four hundred." That's the kind of detail you need to tell me only once but thanks, bible, for making sure this pointless minutia is run into the ground.
In Chapter 3, the Levites are tallied. Instead of counting the men age 20 and older, God's interested in every male one month old and up. "On the day that I smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt I hallowed unto me all the firstborn in Israel, both man and beast: mine shall they be: I am the LORD." If you're wondering who's included, think along the lines of Kohath, Amram, and Izehar, Hebron and Uzziel. God instructs Moses to pay Aaron for the Levites. So these fellows now belong to God, whatever that means.
Chapter 4 outlines the responsibilities of Aaron and the Levite priests. The sons of Kohath carry the holy things. Aaron and sons cover the ark of the testimony with a vail, badger skins, a blue cloth and shall put in the staves thereof. The sons of Gershon between the ages of 30 and 50 are in charge of the tabernacle curtains. The sons of Merari between the ages of 30 and 50 are in charge of the tabernacle boards, bars, pillars and sockets thereof. If you want to live a good moral life, you need to understand these very important words of God. Otherwise, enjoy eternal hellfire, heathen.
The Lord spake unto Moses some more in chapter 5. "Command the children of Israel, that they put out of the camp every leper, and every one that hath an issue, and whosoever is defiled by the dead." So I guess these sad folks just get shunned out of their camps and are left to fend for themselves in the desert? But he's a just God who loves you. God also explains that people need to pay up to be forgiven for their sins. Let the trespass be recompensed unto the Lord. God needs the money. He is saving up for a down payment on his first house.
Then finally the story gets interesting. Adultery, hooray! If a man suspects his wife is having an affair, they can go before a high priest with a meal offering of a tenth part of an ephah of barley meal (without oil or perfume, obviously). The priest in turn will put some dust into a bottle of holy water and put a jealousy offering in the woman's hands. If cheating couples of today would just do this, so many marriages could be saved. The divorce rate would plummet. We must spread the good news! Anyway, the woman drinks some bitter water and the priest casts a spell (sorry, witches, but that's pretty much what is happening here). The bitter water will travel through the woman to her very bowels. If she's innocent of adultery, she will remain fertile. If she's guilty, her gut and legs will rot away and she'll be a curse among her people. This is the law of jealousies.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Leviticus 9-12
After Moses and the gang's seven days in the tabernacle are up, guess what the first item on the agenda is? That's right, animal sacrifice - a calf and baby goat for a sin offering; a ram, calf and lamb for a burnt offering; a bull and ram for a peace offering; and a meat offering mingled with oil. And Moses said, this is the thing which the Lord commanded that ye should do: and the glory of the Lord shall appear unto you. Thankfully there is a never ending supply of animals to slaughter, or I don't know what we'd do.
Aaron and sons carry out the familiar rituals - mutilating the dead animals, sprinkling blood round about, washing the inwards, smearing blood on the altar, waving the breast and right shoulder in the air, and so on. This pleases the Lord very much, for "the glory of the Lord" appeared before the people. I'm not sure if he's in person form or if it's one of his shape shifter incarnations. A fire came out from before the Lord and consumed the burnt offering and the fat. When the people saw, they shouted and fell on their faces. My goodness that is a hilarious visual.
Just as everything is moving along swimmingly, tragedy befalls us. Aaron's sons Nadab and Abihu mix up some incense and fire at the altar. Standard stuff, but the only problem is God has not commanded them to do so. Penalty: death. You pull a stunt like that and you've got it coming. God blasts them both with flames and murders them. Moses instructs the remaining kin to carry the toasty departed out of the camp and explains how to avoid the same fate.
The Lord spake unto Aaron, instructing him and his sons not to drink wine or strong drink in the tabernacle. Penalty: death. God also clarifies his expectations on sin offerings, wave offerings, peace offerings and heave offerings.
I bet you have many questions about what is clean and unclean and what you can eateth. Some guidelines:
Next up: leprosy. A plague on the skin of thy flesh.
Aaron and sons carry out the familiar rituals - mutilating the dead animals, sprinkling blood round about, washing the inwards, smearing blood on the altar, waving the breast and right shoulder in the air, and so on. This pleases the Lord very much, for "the glory of the Lord" appeared before the people. I'm not sure if he's in person form or if it's one of his shape shifter incarnations. A fire came out from before the Lord and consumed the burnt offering and the fat. When the people saw, they shouted and fell on their faces. My goodness that is a hilarious visual.
Just as everything is moving along swimmingly, tragedy befalls us. Aaron's sons Nadab and Abihu mix up some incense and fire at the altar. Standard stuff, but the only problem is God has not commanded them to do so. Penalty: death. You pull a stunt like that and you've got it coming. God blasts them both with flames and murders them. Moses instructs the remaining kin to carry the toasty departed out of the camp and explains how to avoid the same fate.
The Lord spake unto Aaron, instructing him and his sons not to drink wine or strong drink in the tabernacle. Penalty: death. God also clarifies his expectations on sin offerings, wave offerings, peace offerings and heave offerings.
I bet you have many questions about what is clean and unclean and what you can eateth. Some guidelines:
- Livestock: If it has parted hooves, is cloven footed and cheweth the cud, it is clean and you may eat of it. Swine, camels, coneys and hares are out. Do not eat them or touch their carcasses.
- Fish: If it has fins and scales, it is clean and you may eat of it. Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters is an abomination. I guess that's why we don't eat dolphins. Sidenote: "abomination" is used four times here, so God is serious about this one. If I were you, I wouldn't eat any shrimp.
- Fowls: It is an abomination to eat the eagle (regular and gier), ossifrage, osprey, vulture, raven, owl (little, regular and great), hawk (regular and night), cuckow, cormorant, swan, pelican, stork, heron, lapwing and bat.
- Flying creeping things: You may eat of every flying creeping thing that goeth upon all four, which have legs above their feet, to leap withal upon the earth. Great news: we can eat beetles, grasshoppers and locusts. The other flying creeping things that have four feet are an abomination and you are not to even touch their carcasses (should this happen, you are unclean until nightfall and need to wash your clothes).
- Creeping things that creep upon the earth: Do not touch or eat the weasel, mouse, tortoise, ferret, chameleon, lizard, snail or mole. Where these creatures die is unclean. If one croaks in an earthen vessel, break it.
Next up: leprosy. A plague on the skin of thy flesh.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Leviticus 8
The Lord spake unto Moses, instructing him to gather Aaron and sons along with special clothes, oil, a bull, two rams and some unleavened bread. It's going to be a wild night, boys. They scamper to the tabernacle, wash and dress one another, then anoint each other with oil. And he girded him with the girdle, and clothed him with the robe, and put the ephod upon him, and he girded him with the curious girdle of the ephod, and bound it unto him therewith. Hey, it gets lonely in the desert. I'm not here to judge. He put the breastplate upon him and the mitre upon thy head. And he oiled him with the curious oil of his head. And he rubbed his ephod upon him. Gird! Gird! Gird! Again! Again! Again!
So everyone smokes a cigarette, and it's time for round 2. Moses anoints the tabernacle, sprinkling oil thereof upon the altar seven times to sanctify it. He sprinkles oil on Aaron, does more girding with girdles and puts bonnets on everyone. Then for the big finish, they murder the bull and smear its blood on the altar.
Now it's time to mutilate the dead bull. First they burn the fat, caul and kidneys on the altar. Next they take the skin, flesh and poo poo and burn it outside. With that out of the way, they murder ram #1. They sprinkle some blood round about the altar, then chop the ram into pieces and burn it. It's a sweet savour unto the Lord. And what could be sweeter really?
They set their sites on the remaining ram who has to be shitting itself by now, don't you think? It doesn't suffer long. They kill it of course, and Moses smears its blood on the tip of Aaron's right ear, right thumb and right big toe. He likes this so much he repeats the process with each of Aaron's sons.
Moses takes the ram's fat, rump, all the fat that was upon the inwards, the caul above the liver, the two kidneys and their fat, and the right shoulder. He grabs one unleavened cake, a cake of oiled bread and one wafer, and sets them on top of the fat and right shoulder. Moses and company wave these pieces and parts in the air as a wave offering. They burn everything as a burnt offering, a sweet savour unto the Lord. Moses waves the burned breast in the air, then sprinkles anointing oil and leftover ram's blood all over his brother and nephews. They boil the remaining ram flesh, eat it with some bread (unleavened, of course), and burn the leftovers.
Moses and the gang are to stay in the tabernacle and keep watch for seven days. The Lord hath commanded them to do this, so they die not.
So everyone smokes a cigarette, and it's time for round 2. Moses anoints the tabernacle, sprinkling oil thereof upon the altar seven times to sanctify it. He sprinkles oil on Aaron, does more girding with girdles and puts bonnets on everyone. Then for the big finish, they murder the bull and smear its blood on the altar.
Now it's time to mutilate the dead bull. First they burn the fat, caul and kidneys on the altar. Next they take the skin, flesh and poo poo and burn it outside. With that out of the way, they murder ram #1. They sprinkle some blood round about the altar, then chop the ram into pieces and burn it. It's a sweet savour unto the Lord. And what could be sweeter really?
They set their sites on the remaining ram who has to be shitting itself by now, don't you think? It doesn't suffer long. They kill it of course, and Moses smears its blood on the tip of Aaron's right ear, right thumb and right big toe. He likes this so much he repeats the process with each of Aaron's sons.
Moses takes the ram's fat, rump, all the fat that was upon the inwards, the caul above the liver, the two kidneys and their fat, and the right shoulder. He grabs one unleavened cake, a cake of oiled bread and one wafer, and sets them on top of the fat and right shoulder. Moses and company wave these pieces and parts in the air as a wave offering. They burn everything as a burnt offering, a sweet savour unto the Lord. Moses waves the burned breast in the air, then sprinkles anointing oil and leftover ram's blood all over his brother and nephews. They boil the remaining ram flesh, eat it with some bread (unleavened, of course), and burn the leftovers.
Moses and the gang are to stay in the tabernacle and keep watch for seven days. The Lord hath commanded them to do this, so they die not.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Leviticus 5-7
Forgiveness of sins remains a gory business in Leviticus 5-7. You have your burnt offering, peace offering, meat offering, sin offering, wave offering, heave offering and trespass offering. It's a bad time to be an unblemished ram in Sinai. In some circumstances, if you can't kill a lamb, then two turtledoves or pigeons are acceptable. God is also agreeable to offerings of silver. Hey, he's got bills to pay just like everyone else.
When priests burn an offering, they wear special linen breeches. They change clothes when they carry the ashes to a clean place. Cooking methods are advancing because meat offerings are now breaded with flour and fried. The bible also reveals that Aaron and sons will eateth the "remainder" of the offering, I guess meaning whatever God doesn't chow down on first. Don't forget the unleavened cakes and wafers. Those are delicious dipped in oil.
Numerous rules explain how to cook the meat, sprinkle the blood, clean the vessel, handle the ashes and so on. This probably becomes quite routine after slaughtering your umpteenth animal. For best results, the priests should eat an offering the day it is burned. Leftovers have a specific shelf life. If the flesh of the sacrifice be eaten on the third day, it shall not be accepted, neither shall it be imputed unto him that offereth it: it shall be an abomination, and the soul that eateth of it shall bear his iniquity.
The fat of a sacrified ox, sheep or goat is particularly troublesome. If you eat this unclean substance, you will be cut off from the chosen people forever. The same rule applies if the beast dies of natural causes or is ripped apart by other animals. For peace offerings, the priest will burn the fat, then eat the baked breast. Aaron gets first dibs on the right shoulder.
When priests burn an offering, they wear special linen breeches. They change clothes when they carry the ashes to a clean place. Cooking methods are advancing because meat offerings are now breaded with flour and fried. The bible also reveals that Aaron and sons will eateth the "remainder" of the offering, I guess meaning whatever God doesn't chow down on first. Don't forget the unleavened cakes and wafers. Those are delicious dipped in oil.
Numerous rules explain how to cook the meat, sprinkle the blood, clean the vessel, handle the ashes and so on. This probably becomes quite routine after slaughtering your umpteenth animal. For best results, the priests should eat an offering the day it is burned. Leftovers have a specific shelf life. If the flesh of the sacrifice be eaten on the third day, it shall not be accepted, neither shall it be imputed unto him that offereth it: it shall be an abomination, and the soul that eateth of it shall bear his iniquity.
The fat of a sacrified ox, sheep or goat is particularly troublesome. If you eat this unclean substance, you will be cut off from the chosen people forever. The same rule applies if the beast dies of natural causes or is ripped apart by other animals. For peace offerings, the priest will burn the fat, then eat the baked breast. Aaron gets first dibs on the right shoulder.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Leviticus 2-4
Meal Offerings
It is time for a meal offering unto the Lord. God sure does work up an appetite smiting the wicked. Step one is to give Aaron and sons some flour, oil and frankincense to be burned at the altar. Then hand over your unleavened cakes. Unleavened wafers are also acceptable. God is flexible on this one as long as it's unleavened. For ye shall burn no leaven, nor any honey, in any offering made by fire. And the priest shall burn the beaten corn.
Apparently Aaron, I mean God, doesn't like bland meat. With all thine offerings thou shalt offer salt. Also, bring fruit. Make it the good stuff and don't burn it. Aaron and his crew are getting pretty fat by now I would imagine. Pretty good gig they have going, instructing everyone what God wants and doesn't want.
Peace Offerings
If the children of Israel sin by breaking any of God's commandments, take a young unblemished bull to the tabernacle. Kill it before the Lord, and the priest will sprinkle its blood seven times in the sanctuary. Be sure and count because if he messes up and only sprinkles six times, your sins are totally not forgiven. Pour the blood at the base of the altar. Offer the fat as a sin offering. Burn the liver, kidneys and caul. Then take the bull's skin, flesh, head, legs, inwards and dung to a clean place and burn with some wood. These same steps are to be followed if the entire congregation sins.
If a ruler sins, take pretty much all the same steps except kill a goat this time. I'm stating the obvious here, but you'll want to skip the seven times blood sprinkling.
If "common people" (non-Hebrews) sin, offer a baby goat. Slay it for a sin offering in the place where they kill the burnt offering. The priest will put some goat blood on his finger and rub it on the horns of the altar. Burn the mutilated baby goat and the sins will be forgiven.
It is time for a meal offering unto the Lord. God sure does work up an appetite smiting the wicked. Step one is to give Aaron and sons some flour, oil and frankincense to be burned at the altar. Then hand over your unleavened cakes. Unleavened wafers are also acceptable. God is flexible on this one as long as it's unleavened. For ye shall burn no leaven, nor any honey, in any offering made by fire. And the priest shall burn the beaten corn.
Apparently Aaron, I mean God, doesn't like bland meat. With all thine offerings thou shalt offer salt. Also, bring fruit. Make it the good stuff and don't burn it. Aaron and his crew are getting pretty fat by now I would imagine. Pretty good gig they have going, instructing everyone what God wants and doesn't want.
Peace Offerings
- If your peace offering is a bull: Kill an unblemished male or female. Sprinkle its blood upon the altar round about. I think you get rid of the kidneys, liver, fat and caul, then burn the rest for a sweet savour unto the Lord. King James is kind of sloppy in his use of the word "it" which makes the rules difficult to follow. You might want to reference this chapter before you slay your next bull.
- If your peace offering is a lamb: Kill an unblemished male or female. The fat and the whole rump, it shall ye take off hard by the backbone. Again with the kidneys and caul and burning whatnots at the altar. What could be more peaceful than a dismembered lamb.
- If your peace offering is a goat: Kill and gut it appropriately. Burn it for a sweet savour unto the Lord. All the fat is the Lord's. He likes to put it in a coffee can and use it the next time he makes green beans.
If the children of Israel sin by breaking any of God's commandments, take a young unblemished bull to the tabernacle. Kill it before the Lord, and the priest will sprinkle its blood seven times in the sanctuary. Be sure and count because if he messes up and only sprinkles six times, your sins are totally not forgiven. Pour the blood at the base of the altar. Offer the fat as a sin offering. Burn the liver, kidneys and caul. Then take the bull's skin, flesh, head, legs, inwards and dung to a clean place and burn with some wood. These same steps are to be followed if the entire congregation sins.
If a ruler sins, take pretty much all the same steps except kill a goat this time. I'm stating the obvious here, but you'll want to skip the seven times blood sprinkling.
If "common people" (non-Hebrews) sin, offer a baby goat. Slay it for a sin offering in the place where they kill the burnt offering. The priest will put some goat blood on his finger and rub it on the horns of the altar. Burn the mutilated baby goat and the sins will be forgiven.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Leviticus 1
We begin Leviticus by bringing offerings unto the Lord. Some guidelines:
- Bulls: Kill an unblemished male, and Aaron's sons will sprinkle the blood around the tabernacle door just the way God likes it. Skin the animal and chop it into pieces. Make sure you set the pieces and parts on the fire in a very specific order, or else. The innards and legs are to be washed then burned.
- Sheep and Goats: Kill an unblemished male on the north side of the altar, and Aaron's sons will sprinkle the blood around the altar just the way God likes it. Again with the skinning, chopping and specific ordering of the guts on the fire. The innards and legs are to be washed then burned.
- Turtledoves and Pigeons: Kill it, then rip off its head. Squeeze out its blood on the side of the altar. Pluck the feathers on the east side of the altar. Crack the skeleton, but don't break it completely in half. Toss with olive oil and bake at 425 degrees for 20-25 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the bird comes out clean.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Exodus 35-40
Let's finish Exodus, so we never, ever have to read it again, mmkay?
The remainder of this book is so repetitive, boring and horrible that I can hardly believe I survived to tell about it. And with that sentence, you know all you need to know about the rest of Exodus. But because I'm so gosh darned thorough, here are some highlights from Exodus 35-40:
The remainder of this book is so repetitive, boring and horrible that I can hardly believe I survived to tell about it. And with that sentence, you know all you need to know about the rest of Exodus. But because I'm so gosh darned thorough, here are some highlights from Exodus 35-40:
- Now that God has given us his terrific list of commandments, let's take him offerings, including gold, silver, brass, shittim wood, dyed rams' skin, incense, oil and onyx stones. I try to peel away the layers of this mind numbingly detailed ritual to find what's at the heart of it, and guess what? Nothing is there. OK, I didn't try that hard. I was too busy wishing I was done with this stupid book.
- Those with willing hearts, in whom the Lord put wisdom and understanding, will bring offerings for the Lord. What in the hell does God need with this stuff anyway?
- And then there's the detail about the tabernacle. GAH! I wanted to gouge my eyes out reading this. Linen curtains of cubits and more cubits. Loops of fifty made he. Fifty taches of gold, curtains of goat hair, rams' skin dyed red, and badger skin. Sockets of silver and brass, bars of shittim wood, and purple and scarlet needlework. Gold overlay, gold rings, gold crowns, gold candlesticks, and gold cherubs beaten out of one piece made he them, on the two ends of the mercy seat. And he made his seven lamps, and his snuffers, and his snuffdishes of pure gold.
- Your altar needs pots and basins and fire pans and flesh hooks and shovels for the numerous burnt offerings you're going to have. You'll need to butcher animal after animal to make things right with God. What a gory, bloody place this tabernacle must have been.
- The brass of the offering is seventy talents, and two thousand and four hundred shekels. I'm stating the obvious here.
- The ministers wear fancy outfits in the tabernacle. Girding thyselves with girdles. Wearing bonnets, rings of gold and wreathen chains fastened in the ouches (where are the ouches again? I forget). And an ephod bedazzled with onyx, jasper, amethyst, agate, carbuncle, sardius, emerald and gold in their enclosings. If all this sounds familiar, it's because we already read this same verbose description earlier in Exodus. Cut to the chase, God. Jesus Christ.
- God tells Moses to gather the congregation in the tabernacle on the first of the month. Light the candles, burn the incense, and slaughter some animals for the Lord your God.
- Aaron and his sons are the ministers. To prepare for the altar ceremony (which I guess you could call church?), they don their fancy boy clothes, dot themselves with oil and wash their feet. Then God will show up at the tabernacle as a cloud by day and fire by night.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Exodus 32-33
Moses heads up Mt. Sinai for a private talk with God. The people quickly decide he is gone forever and tell Aaron they want a new god (one that does what it should, one that won't make me feel too bad, one that won't make me feel too good). Aaron's response is to melt everyone's gold earrings and fashion a golden calf. He builds an altar for offering burnt sacrifices to their new god, and the numskulls start worshiping the golden calf.
When the Lord gets wind of this, his wrath waxes very hot against these stiffnecked people (stiffnecked?). Moses reminds God that these are his chosen people he brought out of Egypt to return to the promised land. Come on, God, you can't kill them all now. "And the LORD repented of the evil which he thought to do unto his people." So God gets pissed off, and Moses talks him down. The all powerful, all knowing, almighty God flies into a rage when he sees his people worshiping a piece of gold. These folks didn't get dumber all of a sudden. They've been somewhere between marginal to horrible the entire time. This shouldn't surprise God. In fact, isn't it pretty much his own doing?
Moses heads down the mountain with newly carved tablets containing the ten commandments (the familiar list you read in Exodus 20 is not THE ten commandments). He sees his people dancing around the golden calf, and he is very wroth. He slams the tablets into the ground, breaking them. This is the first document written in God's own hand and he breaks the damn things. Aaron distances himself, claiming the people pushed him into this and all he did was throw gold into a fire and the calf popped out on its own. Moses then notices that everyone is naked, "for Aaron had made them naked unto [their] shame among their enemies." What? Moses reclaims control of the situation and has the sons of Levi kill about 3,000 people. That usually gets your point across.
Moses tells the people he will atone for their sins and get everything squared away with God. He walks up Mt. Sinai yet again. God says these children of Israel are a stiffnecked people, have them remove their ornaments. And of course they do. That's really the best first step when you're trying to make amends with someone - remove your ornaments.
Moses walks down the mountain and heads into the tabernacle, followed closely by God in the form of a pillar of cloud (form of a pail of water, form of an eagle... wonder twin powers, activate!). The people see the pillar of cloud and stand by their tents and worship. These are the same morons who were just worshiping a hunk of gold, so what can you say? God proclaims, "I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will shew mercy on whom I will shew mercy." Well that narrows it down.
It's time for God to leave now, and he will pass by in glory but will cover thy eyes. "Thou shalt see my back parts, but my face shall not be seen." What are God's "back parts" anyway? Does God have a hiney? For that matter, does God have a face? Wasn't he just a pillar of cloud a few verses ago? Is he a shape shifter?
The next post will be the long awaited ten commandments. Until then, I beg of you, do not offer the blood of a sacrifice with leaven.
When the Lord gets wind of this, his wrath waxes very hot against these stiffnecked people (stiffnecked?). Moses reminds God that these are his chosen people he brought out of Egypt to return to the promised land. Come on, God, you can't kill them all now. "And the LORD repented of the evil which he thought to do unto his people." So God gets pissed off, and Moses talks him down. The all powerful, all knowing, almighty God flies into a rage when he sees his people worshiping a piece of gold. These folks didn't get dumber all of a sudden. They've been somewhere between marginal to horrible the entire time. This shouldn't surprise God. In fact, isn't it pretty much his own doing?
Moses heads down the mountain with newly carved tablets containing the ten commandments (the familiar list you read in Exodus 20 is not THE ten commandments). He sees his people dancing around the golden calf, and he is very wroth. He slams the tablets into the ground, breaking them. This is the first document written in God's own hand and he breaks the damn things. Aaron distances himself, claiming the people pushed him into this and all he did was throw gold into a fire and the calf popped out on its own. Moses then notices that everyone is naked, "for Aaron had made them naked unto [their] shame among their enemies." What? Moses reclaims control of the situation and has the sons of Levi kill about 3,000 people. That usually gets your point across.
Moses tells the people he will atone for their sins and get everything squared away with God. He walks up Mt. Sinai yet again. God says these children of Israel are a stiffnecked people, have them remove their ornaments. And of course they do. That's really the best first step when you're trying to make amends with someone - remove your ornaments.
Moses walks down the mountain and heads into the tabernacle, followed closely by God in the form of a pillar of cloud (form of a pail of water, form of an eagle... wonder twin powers, activate!). The people see the pillar of cloud and stand by their tents and worship. These are the same morons who were just worshiping a hunk of gold, so what can you say? God proclaims, "I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will shew mercy on whom I will shew mercy." Well that narrows it down.
It's time for God to leave now, and he will pass by in glory but will cover thy eyes. "Thou shalt see my back parts, but my face shall not be seen." What are God's "back parts" anyway? Does God have a hiney? For that matter, does God have a face? Wasn't he just a pillar of cloud a few verses ago? Is he a shape shifter?
The next post will be the long awaited ten commandments. Until then, I beg of you, do not offer the blood of a sacrifice with leaven.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Exodus 30-31
Chapter 30 continues with the rules for the tabernacle. Aaron is to build an altar of shittim wood on which to burn incense. No "strange incense" though, only the good stuff. God requires money offerings as an atonement for sins. Even the poor are to give at least half a shekel (if you're trying to calculate, a shekel is twenty gerahs). Is God low on cash? What does he do with the money? How does money pay off a sin?
God wants Aaron and company to wash their hands and feet in a brass basin. He also wants a holy ointment to be made from myrrh, cinnamon, calamus and cassia. You cannot put the oil on a stranger because they are NOT blessed. If you do such a foolish thing, plan on being cut off from the chosen people forever. God also likes perfume. He prefers a mix of stacte, onycha, galbanum and frankincense. Mix it just right and it's holy. However, if anyone makes a similar, imperfect concoction, they will be cut off from the chosen people forever. What does God need with frankincense and brass basins anyway? Where do you get these things when wandering across the desert for 40 years? Is holy behavior just about rituals and meeting absurd demands? If so, what good is it?
Chapter 31 tells us twice that we are not to work on the sabbath. Penalty: Death. Don't let anyone tell you this is just an Old Testament custom and it doesn't apply today. The bible is very clear this is a "perpetual convenant." That's forever, folks. "For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, and on the seventh day he rested, and was refreshed." Why does the ruler of all creation need a day off to rest? If he is omnipresent (present everywhere, all the time, all at once), how is it even possible to take a day off? Am I missing something?
Buckle up - the golden calf and the real ten commandments are up next.
God wants Aaron and company to wash their hands and feet in a brass basin. He also wants a holy ointment to be made from myrrh, cinnamon, calamus and cassia. You cannot put the oil on a stranger because they are NOT blessed. If you do such a foolish thing, plan on being cut off from the chosen people forever. God also likes perfume. He prefers a mix of stacte, onycha, galbanum and frankincense. Mix it just right and it's holy. However, if anyone makes a similar, imperfect concoction, they will be cut off from the chosen people forever. What does God need with frankincense and brass basins anyway? Where do you get these things when wandering across the desert for 40 years? Is holy behavior just about rituals and meeting absurd demands? If so, what good is it?
Chapter 31 tells us twice that we are not to work on the sabbath. Penalty: Death. Don't let anyone tell you this is just an Old Testament custom and it doesn't apply today. The bible is very clear this is a "perpetual convenant." That's forever, folks. "For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, and on the seventh day he rested, and was refreshed." Why does the ruler of all creation need a day off to rest? If he is omnipresent (present everywhere, all the time, all at once), how is it even possible to take a day off? Am I missing something?
Buckle up - the golden calf and the real ten commandments are up next.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Exodus 29
I bet you're curious how to sanctify the altar and the tabernacle of the congregation. Well, wonder no more. Chapter 29 explains just what to do. These instructions were intended for Aaron and sons, but since the bible is the inerrant word of God, this information is easily adapted for your modern day life:
- Find an unblemished bull and two rams. Bring to the door of the tabernacle and wash with water.
- Put some unleavened bread, wafers and wheat flour into a basket.
- Get dressed in the proper attire: robe of the ephod, breastplate, mitre upon thy head, crown upon the mitre. Anoint your head with oil. Gird thyself with a girdle.
- Kill the bull and put its blood upon the altar with thy finger. Then pour the blood beside the bottom of the altar. Burn the bull's kidney and fat on the altar. Burn its flesh, skin and poop outside as a sin offering. I hope I'm not insulting your intelligence by stating something so obvious.
- Kill one of the rams and sprinkle its blood on the altar. Chop it into pieces and wash its insides. Burn the entire ram on the altar as a burnt offering.
- Kill the other ram and put some of its blood on your right ear and your sons' right ears, right thumbs and right big toes. Sprinkle the blood and some anointing oil on yourself, your garments, your sons and their garments.
- Wave some bread and the ram's fat, kidneys, butt and right shoulder in the air for a wave offering before the Lord. Then burn it on the altar as a burnt offering.
- Wave the ram's breast in the air for a wave offering before the Lord. Sanctify the breast of the wave offering, and the shoulder of the heave offering, which is waved, and which is heaved up, of the ram of the consecration.
- Whatever's left of the ram gets boiled. Eat that and some bread by the door of the tabernacle. Don't allow a stranger to eat of it, for it is holy and only for you. Whatever is left in the morning must be burned, for it is holy.
- Follow the above steps for seven days.
- Offer a continual burnt offering at the door of the tabernacle.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Exodus 7-11
These chapters were brutal to get through, and you should thank me for summarizing it in the following manner.
This story needs to start sucking less. I'm getting fussy.
- Moses: Let me people go! Pharaoh: Nah, I think I'll keep them.
- To prove God's power, Egypt is subjected to a plague of:
- Turning the river to blood and killing all the fish. The local magicians re-create the same plague.
- Smiting the land with frogs. The magicians pull this stunt too. Note: It would have been more useful to make all the frogs disappear.
- Afflicting every creature with lice. The magicians are powerless to keep up. Obviously only a real god can do this one!
- Creating swarms of flies that completely destroy the land.
- Killing all the Egyptian livestock.
- Making boils appear on all men and livestock (which were killed one plague ago).
- Raining forth a storm of hail and fire that kills everything that somehow survived previous plagues.
- Covering the land with locusts that eat everything that's left.
- Blanketing everything with darkness so dark you can feel it (ooh! scary!), and yet providing light for the Hebrew houses. Because that's how light works. You can totally partition it off between houses.
- Sending God around Egypt at midnight to kill all firstborn sons of Egyptians and their slaves as well as the firstborn sons of all the livestock that no longer exist (see plagues 5, 7 and 8).
- Pharaoh, stunned by the severity of the plague, relents. OK, your people can go.
- An act of magic ends the plague.
- After a moment of reprieve, Pharaoh changes his mind. Actually God changes Pharaoh's mind for him by hardening his heart. Dick.
- ** Return to first list item above and read through the list again, selecting the next plague in the list. Lather, rinse, repeat. **
This story needs to start sucking less. I'm getting fussy.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Exodus 3-4
As Moses leads his father-in-law Jethro's flock, he happens upon a burning bush somehow not consumed by the fire. An angel of the Lord appears in the flames and talks to him. When Moses answers, God pipes up. The angel is kind of like a secretary. Please hold for God on line 2. God wants to free his people from oppression. He'd like them to reside in the land of milk and honey (hey, another familiar phrase) and return to the land of the Canaanites (also the land of Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites, but I'm calling it Canaan unless it becomes evident I should call it something else). Recall Canaan is also Noah's grandson, who was forever enslaved because his dad saw his grandpa naked. Say what?
Moses learns he will be instrumental in getting the chosen people out of Egypt. He is nervous about dealing with Pharaoh, but God says he'll be there alongside him. You just won't see or hear him. Moses will tell the Hebrews the god of their fathers has sent him, but how will he respond when they ask who that is? How will Moses answer a stumper like that? God responds, "I AM THAT I AM." Why can't he just say the god who sent him is God, as in THE God?
God gives Moses the ability to perform magic tricks and gives him a magic staff. Moses is still hesitant and says he is a poor speaker. God is getting pretty pissed off with the excuses and says to drag his brother Aaron along. God will do the talking through him. Here's an idea. Why doesn't God just visibly appear to everyone instead? It's the same kinda deal with people who talk to God today, so at least God is consistent I suppose. The guy is really fond of secret one-on-ones.
Moses finds Jethro sitting on a park bench, eyeing little girls with bad intent. Snot is running down his nose, greasy fingers smearing shabby clothes. Drying in the cold sun, and watching as the frilly panties run. Feeling like a dead duck, spitting out pieces of his broken luuuuuck. Jethro tells Moses to go in peace, so he does. Recall Moses fled Egypt after killing someone. Well, God has seen to it that those who were after him are dead now. I guess it pays to be one of the chosen people.
God is going to tinker with Pharaoh's brain so he will not set the Hebrews free, no matter how many magic tricks Moses performs. He's going to "harden his heart." I wonder if he's gonna swallow his tears too.
The topic of killing of firstborn sons is back in the picture. Moses has an infant son whom God is ready to murder. Zipporah, Moses' old lady, circumcises the baby with a sharp stone (wha??). She throws the foreskin at Moses' feet and says, "a bloody husband thou art to me." God is suitably impressed and doesn't kill anyone. Outpatient surgery with a dusty rock on an infant's penis. Ummmkay.
Moses meets up with Aaron and the elder Israelites and gives them the lowdown on the magic tricks and whatnot. They believe everything without question. They just know good times are ahead.
Moses learns he will be instrumental in getting the chosen people out of Egypt. He is nervous about dealing with Pharaoh, but God says he'll be there alongside him. You just won't see or hear him. Moses will tell the Hebrews the god of their fathers has sent him, but how will he respond when they ask who that is? How will Moses answer a stumper like that? God responds, "I AM THAT I AM." Why can't he just say the god who sent him is God, as in THE God?
God gives Moses the ability to perform magic tricks and gives him a magic staff. Moses is still hesitant and says he is a poor speaker. God is getting pretty pissed off with the excuses and says to drag his brother Aaron along. God will do the talking through him. Here's an idea. Why doesn't God just visibly appear to everyone instead? It's the same kinda deal with people who talk to God today, so at least God is consistent I suppose. The guy is really fond of secret one-on-ones.
Moses finds Jethro sitting on a park bench, eyeing little girls with bad intent. Snot is running down his nose, greasy fingers smearing shabby clothes. Drying in the cold sun, and watching as the frilly panties run. Feeling like a dead duck, spitting out pieces of his broken luuuuuck. Jethro tells Moses to go in peace, so he does. Recall Moses fled Egypt after killing someone. Well, God has seen to it that those who were after him are dead now. I guess it pays to be one of the chosen people.
God is going to tinker with Pharaoh's brain so he will not set the Hebrews free, no matter how many magic tricks Moses performs. He's going to "harden his heart." I wonder if he's gonna swallow his tears too.
The topic of killing of firstborn sons is back in the picture. Moses has an infant son whom God is ready to murder. Zipporah, Moses' old lady, circumcises the baby with a sharp stone (wha??). She throws the foreskin at Moses' feet and says, "a bloody husband thou art to me." God is suitably impressed and doesn't kill anyone. Outpatient surgery with a dusty rock on an infant's penis. Ummmkay.
Moses meets up with Aaron and the elder Israelites and gives them the lowdown on the magic tricks and whatnot. They believe everything without question. They just know good times are ahead.
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