Deuteronomy 7-8

When the Hebrews get to the promised land, God assures them he will cast out seven nations greater and mightier than they. We have the Hittites, Girgashites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites and of course the Jebusites. The Hebrews are to smite them and show no mercy. Destroy their altars, groves, and especially their graven images (God hates those). And whatever you do, don't marry one of these horrible people who worship other gods. This will kindle the wrath of God who will destroy the both of you. But he loves you.

If the Hebrews keep up their end of the deal, then God will love thee, and bless thee, and multiply thee: he will also bless the fruit of thy womb, and the fruit of thy land, thy corn, and thy wine, and thine oil, the increase of thy kine, and the flocks of thy sheep, in the land which he sware unto thy fathers to give thee. Thou shalt be blessed above all people: there shall not be male or female barren among you, or among your cattle. Even the cattle will be fertile - excellent.

Also, God will protect the chosen people from being sick but will afflict everyone else. Think about how cruel this is. People tend to worship the god of their parents. You're born into it, indoctrinated and that's all you know. These folks worshipping the wrong god don't have any resources to find out about the "real" god, and yet they are cursed and damned forever. It makes no sense. It's a scare tactic meant to keep people in their place. Don't even think about other gods or else.

The "mighty and terrible" God doesn't want any graven images around. The Hebrews are to burn graven images with fire, for they are cursed things. Apparently this is the most important of the Ten Commandments, since Moses keeps telling us about it over and over again. If you think the 10C are crucial for living a good and moral life, explain this one to me. I don't get it.

This journey to Canaan has taken 40 years to humble thee. God suffered thee to hunger, then fed thee manna - bread that rained down from the heavens - to prove man does not live on bread alone. No, we also need that sweet elixir that is God's word.

Outside of Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, when have you ever seen it rain food from the heavens? Why hasn't this happened since biblical times? One of every seven people is undernourished, and 25,000 of them will die today.* Where is God?

* more on these numbers:
http://www.worldhunger.org/articles/Learn/world%20hunger%20facts%202002.htm
http://www.poverty.com/

Numbers 11-12

Numbers has been mostly boring thus far, so Chapter 11 is a pleasant surprise. As the Hebrews journey towards the promised land, they start complaining about everything. This makes God very angry. You know how it is when you take the kids on a long car trip, and they start acting like spoiled brats. God's reaction is to light several of them on fire. He does have a temper, folks.

The chosen people don't take a hint and whine about being hungry. They are tired of eating manna, the bread that magically falls from the sky. They miss Egypt where they had better food. Even though they were slaves, at least they were well fed. This bitching and moaning makes Moses and God very wroth. Moses has carried these numskulls in his bosom, as a nursing father bearing the sucketh child (what?). And yet they bitch! He asks God to either kill him or shut these people up. God puts his spirit upon 70 elders so they can help Moses out, whatever that means. He then makes a bunch of quail rain down round about the camp. He's still furious and to make himself feel better about feeding these people, he afflicts the quail eaters with a horrible plague and kills them. And he called the name of that place Kibrothhattaavah: because there they buried the people that lusted. Obviously.

Chapter 12 reveals it isn't just the bratty minions who aren't getting along. Moses' siblings Aaron and Miriam are fussy as well. They don't like that Moses married an Ethiopian woman instead of an Israelite. They are also mad that God deals directly with Moses instead of including them. This makes God very wroth and he afflicts Miriam with leprosy. Aaron realizes he's in deep shit and pleads with Moses for mercy. Moses takes this message to God who heals Miriam after she is shut out of the camp for seven days. The entire group of one or two million people have to wait around for seven days until she's good to go.

Those who have not been murdered by God leave Hazeroth and head toward Paran.

Exodus 15-17

The Israelites are joyful and triumphant now that Pharaoh's finest are dead at the bottom of the Red Sea. The Lord hath dashed the enemy into pieces. Hooray! They break out in song, and the ladies dance with tambourines.

Moses and company continue their travels, and after three days in the wilderness they find themselves without water. They discover water in Marah but darn the luck, it is too bitter to drink. The people complain and cry. God tells Moses to throw a tree in the water which as any idiot knows makes the water sweet. Problem solved.

They travel on and run out of food. The people complain some more. God and Moses talk some more. God makes it rain manna, a type of bread (unleavened, of course). There are rules for how much to collect and on what days. The Hebrews can't keep the rules straight and God gets pissy. They get it all straightened out, and the people eat manna for their entire 40 year journey to Canaan. Why is it taking so long to get there?

The next place they set up camp has no water. Sigh... this again. The people moan and groan. This time God tells Moses to strike a rock and water will come out. This isn't good enough for the Hebrews. They ask, "is the LORD among us, or not?" These people have seen thousands upon thousands of people murdered for no reason other than being born in the wrong place, and they know Moses is the only reason they've made it this far, yet they take every opportunity to bitch.

A battle breaks out with some people led by a fellow named Amalek. The Hebrews are led by Joshua, who is mentioned as though we've known him all along. Moses, Aaron and Hur watch the fight from a hilltop. "And it came to pass, when Moses held up his hand, that Israel prevailed: and when he let down his hand, Amalek prevailed." Moses' arms get tired so Aaron and Hur hold them up for him. I couldn't make this shit up, folks. Take a big guess which side wins. Right.

Moses builds an altar, and calls the name of it Jehovahnissi. Good choice.