Numbers 13-14

In Chapter 13, we f-i-n-a-l-l-y reach Canaan. Moses sends a representative from each tribe to "spy out" Canaan. They spend (wait for it) 40 days and 40 nights checking things out. They report that Canaan is indeed the land of milk and honey, but they're fearful of being overpowered by the super sized Canaanites. Caleb thinks they should bust on in and take over, but the rest of the Hebrew spies feel like grasshoppers next to those giants. With crazy biblical names like Issachar, Ephraim and Zebulun, it's funny to see an overly popular name like Caleb. I wonder if Caleb ever has a playdate with Tucker, Parker, Jayden, Aidan or Brayden. Maybe McKenna and Kaylee can join them if it is not their unclean time of the month or they're not busy being stoned to death.

The Hebrews continue complaining in Chapter 14. They go so far as pondering a return to Egypt, where they were slaves... because that's going to be so much better. Morons! When Moses and Aaron get wind of this, they fall flat on their faces in frustration (I am not making this up). Caleb and Joshua address the crowd. How could everyone hear? There's well over a million people, maybe two. Anyway, they remind everyone they have God on their side and the Canaanites don't. The congregation is not convinced and calls for Caleb and Joshua to be stoned to death with stones (in case you're wondering how it's done). At this point, God flies off the handle. He has had enough of these doubters and complainers. He says, "I will smite them with the pestilence, and disinherit them, and will make of thee a greater nation and mightier than they." That's right, God says he'll kill the chosen people and come up with better ones. You didn't hear stories like this in Sunday school, now did you?

Moses asks how this will look to folks with other gods, like those stupid Egyptians, if God smotes all his people because he is unable to get them into the promised land. You've got to think about your street cred, God! Moses also reminds him that he is merciful (since when?), and he basically talks God down... because an all-knowing, loving God would need talked down. Caleb and Joshua earn special favor for their willingness to conquer Canaan but everyone else gets, you guessed it, 40 more years in the wilderness. "And your children shall wander in the wilderness forty years, and bear your whoredoms, until your carcases be wasted in the wilderness." I do hate bearing someone's whoredoms. For good measure, God afflicts a handful of them with a horrible plague and kills them. Are you listening, Hebrews? God will straight up murder your ass, so STFU already!

Then the Amalekites came down, and the Canaanites which dwelt in that hill, and smote them, and discomfited them, even unto Hormah. I'm stating the obvious here.

Exodus 34

A few points of comparison between this chapter and the earlier set of commandments:

• Exodus 20 refers to the list as "my commandments"; only Exodus 34 uses the phrase "the ten commandments." 
• Unlike the verbal list in Exodus 20, Exodus 34 is written in stone. Which seems more official to you?
• The list in Exodus 34 is important enough to recreate after Moses brakest the original set of stone tablets a few chapters back.

Clearly this chapter provides the official, finalized, authorized ten commandments. And now on with our story.

When Moses saw the people of Israel worshiping a golden calf, he brakest the stone tablets written in God's own hand. God instructs Moses to cut two new pieces of stone. Obviously Moses needs to take care of this, because how the heck could God cut two pieces of stone? I guess in his current form, he doesn't have hands. Moses scampers up Mt. Sinai for yet another private 40 days and 40 nights with God. For an old man, he is quite the mountain climber. The two lads recreate the tablets. God twice indicates the wording mirrors the first set.

It is now time to reveal the much anticipated ten commandments. Now remember, this is the inerrant word of God:

1. Thou shalt worship no other gods. This is a match with Exodus 20 except it's lots wordier. Thrice this commandment tells us not to go "a whoring" after other gods. No problem! All gods will remain strictly separate of my numerous whoring activities.
2. Thou shalt make thee no molten gods. Good news -- this must mean graven images are now ok.
3. The feast of unleavened bread shalt thou keep in the month when the ear is on the corn. What month is that? Also, firstborn male sons, cattle, ox and sheep are God's. "But the firstling of an ass thou shalt redeem with a lamb: and if thou redeem [him] not, then shalt thou break his neck." Stating the obvious here.
4. Six days shalt thou work, but on the seventh thou shalt rest. Another match with Exodus 20.
5. Thou shalt observe the feast of weeks. I do enjoy a good feast.
6. Three times a year, the male folk are to appear before the Lord. How would this work exactly? Does God show up down here? Do the men visit him in heaven? Do they all go at once? How do they get there?
7. Thou shalt not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leavened bread. This one's self explanatory.
8. The fat of my feast shall not remain all night until the morning. So I guess take the garbage out.
9. Take the first fruits of your land to the house of the Lord. This commandment is probably easier to observe if you farm. Well, assuming you know how to get to God's house, that is.
10. Thou shalt not boil a baby goat in its mother's milk. A commandment I am guaranteed never to brakest.

If you don't follow these holy guidelines, please know that God "will send punishment on children for the sins of their fathers." He will visit your kin with iniquities for four generations. But he's a just and merciful god.

Exodus 24-28

God tells Moses, Aaron and some other important menfolk to come up unto him. Moses will have a one-on-one and the others will keep their distance. This is an essential part of making shit up. The make-believe conversations you're having with God can't be witnessed by anyone else.

Moses builds an altar, burns a few oxen and sprinkles blood around. Standard altar stuff you probably do at home. Then he spends 40 days and 40 nights with God on Mt. Sinai. God gives Moses directions for building a tabernacle, the good old ark of the covenant. I need to watch Indiana Jones again to see how he fits into this whole story. God goes into excruciating detail about how to build the ark. It's made of shittim wood with gold overlay, three branches of the candlestick, and tongs thereof. There are purple, blue and scarlet curtains of linen. There are cherubims, fifty hooks of gold, forty sockets of silver. There are brass rods, more shittim wood, cubits of this, and cubits of that. The detail is mind numbing.

Aaron and his sons become ordained ministers which appears to mostly involve wearing the right garments, including a breastplate, an ephod, a robe, a broidered coat, a mitre and a girdle. You must bedazzle your ephod with sardius, topaz, carbuncle, emerald, sapphire, diamond, ligure, agate, amethyst, beryl, onax, jasper and gold. Beneath the hem of the garment you are to put a bell and a pomegranate. I couldn't make this up, folks. Aaron's sons wear linen breeches to cover their nakedness. They also don bonnets and girdles. I guess the fancy boys like a little role play. Things can get a little dull trekking across the desert.

The whole idea is for Aaron and company to be dressed in a suitably holy way when they are at the altar. This brings us to Chapter 29 and the subject of how to minister. I was going to include that in this post but I just don't have it in me to trudge through another overly detailed chapter tonight. Soon though - stay tuned for more fun and godly learning with Moses and the gang.

Exodus 15-17

The Israelites are joyful and triumphant now that Pharaoh's finest are dead at the bottom of the Red Sea. The Lord hath dashed the enemy into pieces. Hooray! They break out in song, and the ladies dance with tambourines.

Moses and company continue their travels, and after three days in the wilderness they find themselves without water. They discover water in Marah but darn the luck, it is too bitter to drink. The people complain and cry. God tells Moses to throw a tree in the water which as any idiot knows makes the water sweet. Problem solved.

They travel on and run out of food. The people complain some more. God and Moses talk some more. God makes it rain manna, a type of bread (unleavened, of course). There are rules for how much to collect and on what days. The Hebrews can't keep the rules straight and God gets pissy. They get it all straightened out, and the people eat manna for their entire 40 year journey to Canaan. Why is it taking so long to get there?

The next place they set up camp has no water. Sigh... this again. The people moan and groan. This time God tells Moses to strike a rock and water will come out. This isn't good enough for the Hebrews. They ask, "is the LORD among us, or not?" These people have seen thousands upon thousands of people murdered for no reason other than being born in the wrong place, and they know Moses is the only reason they've made it this far, yet they take every opportunity to bitch.

A battle breaks out with some people led by a fellow named Amalek. The Hebrews are led by Joshua, who is mentioned as though we've known him all along. Moses, Aaron and Hur watch the fight from a hilltop. "And it came to pass, when Moses held up his hand, that Israel prevailed: and when he let down his hand, Amalek prevailed." Moses' arms get tired so Aaron and Hur hold them up for him. I couldn't make this shit up, folks. Take a big guess which side wins. Right.

Moses builds an altar, and calls the name of it Jehovahnissi. Good choice.

Genesis 5-8

Chapter 5 outlines the descendants of Adam. Seth is the first named here although we know from Chapter 4 several came before him. In Chapter 5 daughters are mentioned for the first time, but the most noteworthy part of this chapter is everyone's age. When Adam was 130 years old, Seth was born. Adam lives another 800 years. What does that even mean? My first thought was a "year" is somehow not 365 days (this brought back memories of reading Inherit the Wind in high school and how much I liked the idea that each of the first seven days could be longer than 24 hours. It helped me try to wedge all my skepticism into this story I was supposed to believe without question). All these folks lived hundreds of years. The chapter ends with our dear friend Noah who was 500 years old when he sired 3 sons. Right.

In Chapter 6, God sees how wicked most of his creation is. I would like to know what behavior qualified as so despicable that God decided to kill off everyone from the face of the earth except Noah, his wife, his sons and their wives. Every toddler and every kitten are so terrible that they should be drowned, really? And yet Noah was "perfect in his generations and Noah walked with God."

God tells Noah to build an ark. This is a story everyone knows. Bring two of every creature onto the ark. Thus did Noah.

Chapter 7 adds a little more detail to this whole "two by two" business. Noah is to bring seven of the "clean beasts" and two of the unclean ones. Which is which? Why not put the unclean beasts on their own ark? Roughly how many creatures were there on board? Why bring two of *everything* including roaches and bed bugs?

OK, so it rains for 40 days and 40 nights. After that stops, the rain "prevailed upon the earth" for 150 days. Think about the food and bathroom situation after six months. Seriously. It's a wooden boat built by a 500 year old man. They didn't have a flush toilet or a litter box. Where does everyone poop? What about e coli, whooping cough and scurvy? The common cold? Legionnaires? Diarrhea? Where the hell did they store all the food? And not one of the creatures on board dies of natural causes in all that time trapped on the ark? What about natural predators - are the lions in first class and the zebras in coach? How do you keep the one from slaughtering the other?

In Chapter 8 things finally dry out. Noah sends out a dove who returns with an olive branch (is this where the whole "extending an olive branch" thing got started?). Noah is 601 when his party departs the ark. It's time to be fruitful and multiply, boys and girls.

Noah builds an altar and apparently sacrifices the clean beasts and clean fowl. I guess the Lord likes this because he decides he won't wipe out all of humankind again. Thanks, God!