Genesis 9

God establishes a covenant with Noah and sons. He will not flood the earth again, and a rainbow will serve as a reminder to God of that promise. I guess he can be forgetful.

Noah plants a vineyard, drinks wine and gets plastered. He then passes out naked in a tent. Hey, we've all been there; don't judge. Did Noah understand that wine could make him drunk or what that even meant? Anyway, Noah's son Ham walks into the tent and sees his naked, passed-out dad. He tells his brothers Shem and Japheth, who cover their naked father. They walk into the tent backwards so they don't see Noah's junk.

When Noah awakes, he magically knows that Ham has seen him naked and ratted him out to his brothers. This ticks off Noah and he curses Ham's son Canaan to be a slave of Shem and Japheth.

Let me get this straight. Noah, the only one whose family is worth saving according to God, is a drunkard (not that there's anything wrong with that). And the problem is not that he passes out naked and drunk, the problem is that someone saw him. And that guy's son is on the hook for it. Slavery is mentioned like it's no big whoop.

The chapter ends with Noah's death at 950 years.

In a few short chapters, we've seen several familiar Sunday School stories - creation, the serpent and the apple, the fall from grace, Noah's ark. Can't you just picture a children's coloring book about Noah's ark ending with the rainbow and God's promise? In the very same chapter, we get drunkenness, nakedness, slavery and impossibly old people.

When adults gather for a bible study, are totally fucked up stories like this one ever included? I listened to a Christian podcast about Genesis Chapter 9, just to hear how crazy shit like this is presented. Thirty of the 40 minutes were spent on God's covenant to us. He promised to never drown us all again. Isn't that wonderful? Isn't he just the best? Noah's drunken revelry is evidence that man is still sinful after this brand new start following the flood. Where does it say getting drunk is a sin? Is it "wicked" (which so far has not been specifically described)? We just know that whatever "wicked" is, it is VERY bad. But best of all, the podcast glossed over the whole slavery thing. Oh, Canaan's going to be a "servant", no biggie... What?

Genesis 5-8

Chapter 5 outlines the descendants of Adam. Seth is the first named here although we know from Chapter 4 several came before him. In Chapter 5 daughters are mentioned for the first time, but the most noteworthy part of this chapter is everyone's age. When Adam was 130 years old, Seth was born. Adam lives another 800 years. What does that even mean? My first thought was a "year" is somehow not 365 days (this brought back memories of reading Inherit the Wind in high school and how much I liked the idea that each of the first seven days could be longer than 24 hours. It helped me try to wedge all my skepticism into this story I was supposed to believe without question). All these folks lived hundreds of years. The chapter ends with our dear friend Noah who was 500 years old when he sired 3 sons. Right.

In Chapter 6, God sees how wicked most of his creation is. I would like to know what behavior qualified as so despicable that God decided to kill off everyone from the face of the earth except Noah, his wife, his sons and their wives. Every toddler and every kitten are so terrible that they should be drowned, really? And yet Noah was "perfect in his generations and Noah walked with God."

God tells Noah to build an ark. This is a story everyone knows. Bring two of every creature onto the ark. Thus did Noah.

Chapter 7 adds a little more detail to this whole "two by two" business. Noah is to bring seven of the "clean beasts" and two of the unclean ones. Which is which? Why not put the unclean beasts on their own ark? Roughly how many creatures were there on board? Why bring two of *everything* including roaches and bed bugs?

OK, so it rains for 40 days and 40 nights. After that stops, the rain "prevailed upon the earth" for 150 days. Think about the food and bathroom situation after six months. Seriously. It's a wooden boat built by a 500 year old man. They didn't have a flush toilet or a litter box. Where does everyone poop? What about e coli, whooping cough and scurvy? The common cold? Legionnaires? Diarrhea? Where the hell did they store all the food? And not one of the creatures on board dies of natural causes in all that time trapped on the ark? What about natural predators - are the lions in first class and the zebras in coach? How do you keep the one from slaughtering the other?

In Chapter 8 things finally dry out. Noah sends out a dove who returns with an olive branch (is this where the whole "extending an olive branch" thing got started?). Noah is 601 when his party departs the ark. It's time to be fruitful and multiply, boys and girls.

Noah builds an altar and apparently sacrifices the clean beasts and clean fowl. I guess the Lord likes this because he decides he won't wipe out all of humankind again. Thanks, God!