- Hebrew slaves are to be freed after six years of service. If a slave brought his family along when he was bought, he can take them when he leaves. If he married one of his master's slaves, he's out of luck. If your slave asks to stay, have him stand against a door and slam an awl through his ear. Once you pierce his ear, he can be a slave forever. How lucky for him.
- If you sell your daughter and her new owner is not satisfied with his purchase, he can sell her but NOT to a foreigner. Well that's just common sense.
- If you kill someone, the penalty is death. If you didn't intend for them to die, God will find you a hiding place
- If you attack your parents, the penalty is death.
- If you curse your parents, the penalty is death.
- If you kidnap someone, the penalty is death.
- If you beat a slave to death, you'll be punished (but not put to death. I mean, it's not like you cursed your parents or something serious). If the slave lives for a couple days after you beat him, there's no punishment "for he is (your) money."
- If you punch a pregnant woman but she doesn't suffer serious injury, you'll pay a fine. If the woman is injured or miscarries, the punishment must match the injury (familiar phrase alert): eye for eye, tooth for tooth.
- If you punch your slave in the face and destroy his or her eye, you must let them go free.
- If you punch your slave in the face and knock out his or her tooth, you must let them go free.
- There's quite a list of livestock laws. Here's the first one, just to give you the idea: If your ox gores someone to death, you must stone it to death but don't eat its meat. If you've been warned about this particular ox, you get stoned to death unless you can afford a fine.
- If you catch someone breaking into your house, you can kill them without penalty unless it's daylight. Stating the obvious here.
- "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." Boy, this one caused some problems.
- If you have sex with an animal, the penalty is death.
- It's odd to read something sensible in this list, but there are a few good points. Do not help a guilty party by being a malicious witness. Do not follow the crowd in doing wrong. Do not execute an innocent or honest person. Do not accept bribes.
- If you offer a sacrifice to any other god, you will be "utterly destroyed." Sigh. Seriously?
Showing posts with label slavery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label slavery. Show all posts
Friday, November 4, 2011
Exodus 21-23
If you thought the ten commandments were an outstanding set of guidelines for living a moral, upstanding life, you are in for a real treat as we continue with Exodus. Law after glorious law.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Genesis 33-36
Jacob reaches Canaan. Fearing Esau's reaction, he sends his slaves and their kids first, then Leah (the wife he doesn't love) and her kids, then Rachel and her kids. So if there's any trouble, people can be slaughtered in the order most suitable to Jacob, I suppose.
And then the first heartwarming thing I've read so far happens. Esau embraces his brother. Just like that. Fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept. Esau had grounds to be a real monster to Jacob, and yet he forgives. He tells Jacob the gift of livestock is not necessary, but Jacob insists that he keep them. They part on good terms. Jacob travels through a few places, buys some land and names the place Elelohe-Israel. Again with the naming of places. I don't get this at all.
Leah's daughter Dinah catches the eye of Shechem, son of the local prince. "He took her, and lay with her, and defiled her." That makes him sound like a total rapist but the next verse indicates he fell in love with her. I don't know what Dinah thinks of the situation. As a woman, she gets no opinion. Dinah's brothers Simeon and Levi get wind of this and they are very wroth, even though Shechem apparently has fallen for the gal. His soul clave unto her.
Shechem and his father pledge to pay any dowry for Dinah's hand in marriage. The brothers say we sure would like for you to marry our sister but look at that uncircumcised penis. We can't have that. In fact, everyone around here looks to have a foreskin. So the prince returns to his town and, you guessed it, it's circumcision for everyone! That must have been quite a party. Ah, but Simeon and Levi have played a little joke on Shechem. They remain very wroth. They take their swords and kill Shechem, his father AND all the local men. They steal all their wealth, all their livestock, all their children, and all their wives. Jacob is worried this will make him look bad.
God tells Jacob this would be a good time to get out of Dodge. How about you make a nice altar for me in Bethel? Jacob, recognizing this is a small price to pay for escaping the outright murder of who knows how many people, gathers the household and hits the road. He asks everyone to give up their "strange gods" and earrings first. Obviously you'd want to leave those behind. As they travel, the terror of God is put upon all the neighboring towns so no one will mess with them. Yes they are murdering thugs, but they're the chosen people, the descendants of Abraham.
They build the requested altar in Bethel which pleases God very much. He says from now on Jacob will be called Israel, the same name the hot man love wrestler gave him (so I guess that guy was an angel?). God says, "kings shall come out of thy loins." Again, what have these people done to deserve such favor? Massacred innocent people? Stole and tricked and lied at every turn?
Rachel dies in childbirth. Her parting words to Jacob are she'd like the baby to be named Benoni. Jacob promptly names him Benjamin. Hey, she's dead, she won't know the difference. And Jacob, if you didn't know, is the best!
Isaac reappears out of nowhere and "gives up the ghost" (love this phrase) after 180 years.
Chapter 36 is unbearable and I would rather take a beating than read it. It lists all the generations of Esau. Forty one verses of crap like this: "And Husham died, and Hadad the son of Bedad, who smote Midian in the field of Moab, reigned in his stead: and the name of his city [was] Avith."
And then the first heartwarming thing I've read so far happens. Esau embraces his brother. Just like that. Fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept. Esau had grounds to be a real monster to Jacob, and yet he forgives. He tells Jacob the gift of livestock is not necessary, but Jacob insists that he keep them. They part on good terms. Jacob travels through a few places, buys some land and names the place Elelohe-Israel. Again with the naming of places. I don't get this at all.
Leah's daughter Dinah catches the eye of Shechem, son of the local prince. "He took her, and lay with her, and defiled her." That makes him sound like a total rapist but the next verse indicates he fell in love with her. I don't know what Dinah thinks of the situation. As a woman, she gets no opinion. Dinah's brothers Simeon and Levi get wind of this and they are very wroth, even though Shechem apparently has fallen for the gal. His soul clave unto her.
Shechem and his father pledge to pay any dowry for Dinah's hand in marriage. The brothers say we sure would like for you to marry our sister but look at that uncircumcised penis. We can't have that. In fact, everyone around here looks to have a foreskin. So the prince returns to his town and, you guessed it, it's circumcision for everyone! That must have been quite a party. Ah, but Simeon and Levi have played a little joke on Shechem. They remain very wroth. They take their swords and kill Shechem, his father AND all the local men. They steal all their wealth, all their livestock, all their children, and all their wives. Jacob is worried this will make him look bad.
God tells Jacob this would be a good time to get out of Dodge. How about you make a nice altar for me in Bethel? Jacob, recognizing this is a small price to pay for escaping the outright murder of who knows how many people, gathers the household and hits the road. He asks everyone to give up their "strange gods" and earrings first. Obviously you'd want to leave those behind. As they travel, the terror of God is put upon all the neighboring towns so no one will mess with them. Yes they are murdering thugs, but they're the chosen people, the descendants of Abraham.
They build the requested altar in Bethel which pleases God very much. He says from now on Jacob will be called Israel, the same name the hot man love wrestler gave him (so I guess that guy was an angel?). God says, "kings shall come out of thy loins." Again, what have these people done to deserve such favor? Massacred innocent people? Stole and tricked and lied at every turn?
Rachel dies in childbirth. Her parting words to Jacob are she'd like the baby to be named Benoni. Jacob promptly names him Benjamin. Hey, she's dead, she won't know the difference. And Jacob, if you didn't know, is the best!
Isaac reappears out of nowhere and "gives up the ghost" (love this phrase) after 180 years.
Chapter 36 is unbearable and I would rather take a beating than read it. It lists all the generations of Esau. Forty one verses of crap like this: "And Husham died, and Hadad the son of Bedad, who smote Midian in the field of Moab, reigned in his stead: and the name of his city [was] Avith."
Monday, October 10, 2011
Genesis 32
After this chapter, I'll group a few together. I gotta pick up the pace or I'll never finish this damn book. Plus, we're getting to the Jacob and the Technicolor Dreamcoat story, and you can listen to the soundtrack to fill in the blanks. I have to tell you, trudging through the bible is a genuine chore. The sex scenes and absurdities do help liven things up, so thank you God for that.
Jacob starts the trek home to Canaan. He's nervous about reuniting with his brother Esau. Recall that Jacob was an a-hole to Esau, stealing birth rights and such. He divides his slaves and livestock into two groups. I guess if there is trouble, only half of Team Jacob will get slaughtered. He doesn't put himself in harm's way though. He prepares a gift of 530 livestock for his brother. Here's some camels and she asses, sorry about screwing up your life. The fraidy cat gives them to his slaves to deliver.
Jacob sends his family and servants ahead of him and spends the night alone. Well, not exactly alone. "There wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day." We don't know who the man is, or how/why they met, but they went at it all night. There doesn't seem to be any anger in the wrestling, in fact they part ways in the morning with a blessing. It certainly was a rough-and-tumble night though, as "the hollow of Jacob's thigh" gets bruised up. Ooh la la. The guy won't tell Jacob his name. Probably best to keep these things discreet. He renames Jacob "Israel" before he scampers off.
And Jacob called the place Peniel. Who could make this up? Ah yes, I had a wild night with a mystery man here in thy place, I name thee Peniel.
And what is with bible men naming places as they travel around? How do they know a given place is not already named? Or that the town name is not already in use? And who are you to decide what gets named? Small detail but you can poke holes at every turn in this book.
P.S. The children of Israel will not eat the sinew of the thigh of any animal, as a result of Jacob's injury during his special night with the "wrestler." Good thinking.
Jacob starts the trek home to Canaan. He's nervous about reuniting with his brother Esau. Recall that Jacob was an a-hole to Esau, stealing birth rights and such. He divides his slaves and livestock into two groups. I guess if there is trouble, only half of Team Jacob will get slaughtered. He doesn't put himself in harm's way though. He prepares a gift of 530 livestock for his brother. Here's some camels and she asses, sorry about screwing up your life. The fraidy cat gives them to his slaves to deliver.
Jacob sends his family and servants ahead of him and spends the night alone. Well, not exactly alone. "There wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day." We don't know who the man is, or how/why they met, but they went at it all night. There doesn't seem to be any anger in the wrestling, in fact they part ways in the morning with a blessing. It certainly was a rough-and-tumble night though, as "the hollow of Jacob's thigh" gets bruised up. Ooh la la. The guy won't tell Jacob his name. Probably best to keep these things discreet. He renames Jacob "Israel" before he scampers off.
And Jacob called the place Peniel. Who could make this up? Ah yes, I had a wild night with a mystery man here in thy place, I name thee Peniel.
And what is with bible men naming places as they travel around? How do they know a given place is not already named? Or that the town name is not already in use? And who are you to decide what gets named? Small detail but you can poke holes at every turn in this book.
P.S. The children of Israel will not eat the sinew of the thigh of any animal, as a result of Jacob's injury during his special night with the "wrestler." Good thinking.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Genesis 28-31
Isaac wants Jacob to marry someone worthy (one of their own kind) and sends him to take thee a wife from Rebekah's brother Laban's clan. Esau overhears and realizes his Canaanite wives are second rate so he takes a third wife, this one Ishmael's daughter a.k.a. his cousin.
Jacob dreams of angels walking up and down a ladder and of course God makes an appearance. And big shock, God says Jacob and descendants will be very blessed. What makes Abraham's descendants so special, other than the lack of foreskin? I must have missed something. And if such things are predestined, what does behavior matter? As we've seen by now, Jacob can be a major league asshole, so I guess it doesn't matter. And why does God show up in dreams?
Jacob wakes up and proclaims surely the presence of the Lord is in this place. I can feel his mighty power and his grace. I can hear the brush of angels' wings. I see glory on each face. Sing it with me! He names the place Bethel and seals the deal by setting a rock on a pillar and pouring oil on it. I guess he had to make do with what he had. He says if God will feed, clothe and protect him, then the Lord shall be his God AND Bethel shall be God's house. Pretty sweet deal for God.
Jacob meets his Laban and falls in love with Laban's daughter Rachel. He agrees to work for Laban for seven years if he can marry Rachel. That's love. Or maybe Laban is a manipulative bastard. Turns out it's both. On the wedding night, Laban uses the cover of darkness to pull the old bait-and-switch and sends his daughter Leah into the tent.
Jacob goes in unto Leah and in the morning realizes he nailed the wrong cousin. He is pretty pissed, although he's getting a taste of his own medicine with this lying trickery. Laban is unapologetic. He wanted the elder daughter married off first. But great news - work another seven years and THEN Rachel will be his. Fourteen years isn't that much for these folks who live hundreds of years. After seven years, he goes in unto Rachel, making Leah and Rachel for reals sister wives.
Jacob doesn't love Leah (she's tender eyed after all, and who wants that?), so God makes her fertile and Rachel barren. Makes sense. Leah starts cranking them out. All sons of course. Desperate for children, Rachel gives her handmaid (slave) to Jacob. He goes in unto her and she delivers a few sons. Meanwhile, Leah's uterus has run out of gas, but she is not giving Rachel the last word on this babymaking business. Leah gives HER slave to Jacob and he goes in unto her, and guess what. That's right, a couple more sons!
One of the sons finds "mandrakes" which some bible translations call "love fruit." Leah and Rachel quarrel over it. I guess Leah wins because Jacob goes in unto her and two more sons arrive. And, oops, a daughter (Dinah). God decides to open Rachel's womb for business (so the love fruit wouldn't have mattered, I guess) and she finally has a son, Joseph.
Jacob and his father in law are constantly trying to dick each other over. Jacob makes sure Laban ends up with the feeble livestock, keeping the best for himself. Laban changes Jacob's wages and pulls other dickery to cheat Jacob out of what he's owed. Jacob decides to take the brood to Canaan and sneaks out in the dead of night. On the way out, Rachel steals her dad's idols.
Laban hunts them down and demands to know why they didn't say goodbye. The best part of this whole exchange is Rachel hides the stolen idols in a camel saddle, then sits on the camel while Laban frantically searches for the goods. She lies to her dad and says she got her period and can't stand up. He buys it. Classic.
Somehow Laban and Jacob part on decent terms, forming a covenant that involves... wait for it... a sacrificed animal.
Jacob dreams of angels walking up and down a ladder and of course God makes an appearance. And big shock, God says Jacob and descendants will be very blessed. What makes Abraham's descendants so special, other than the lack of foreskin? I must have missed something. And if such things are predestined, what does behavior matter? As we've seen by now, Jacob can be a major league asshole, so I guess it doesn't matter. And why does God show up in dreams?
Jacob wakes up and proclaims surely the presence of the Lord is in this place. I can feel his mighty power and his grace. I can hear the brush of angels' wings. I see glory on each face. Sing it with me! He names the place Bethel and seals the deal by setting a rock on a pillar and pouring oil on it. I guess he had to make do with what he had. He says if God will feed, clothe and protect him, then the Lord shall be his God AND Bethel shall be God's house. Pretty sweet deal for God.
Jacob meets his Laban and falls in love with Laban's daughter Rachel. He agrees to work for Laban for seven years if he can marry Rachel. That's love. Or maybe Laban is a manipulative bastard. Turns out it's both. On the wedding night, Laban uses the cover of darkness to pull the old bait-and-switch and sends his daughter Leah into the tent.
Jacob goes in unto Leah and in the morning realizes he nailed the wrong cousin. He is pretty pissed, although he's getting a taste of his own medicine with this lying trickery. Laban is unapologetic. He wanted the elder daughter married off first. But great news - work another seven years and THEN Rachel will be his. Fourteen years isn't that much for these folks who live hundreds of years. After seven years, he goes in unto Rachel, making Leah and Rachel for reals sister wives.
Jacob doesn't love Leah (she's tender eyed after all, and who wants that?), so God makes her fertile and Rachel barren. Makes sense. Leah starts cranking them out. All sons of course. Desperate for children, Rachel gives her handmaid (slave) to Jacob. He goes in unto her and she delivers a few sons. Meanwhile, Leah's uterus has run out of gas, but she is not giving Rachel the last word on this babymaking business. Leah gives HER slave to Jacob and he goes in unto her, and guess what. That's right, a couple more sons!
One of the sons finds "mandrakes" which some bible translations call "love fruit." Leah and Rachel quarrel over it. I guess Leah wins because Jacob goes in unto her and two more sons arrive. And, oops, a daughter (Dinah). God decides to open Rachel's womb for business (so the love fruit wouldn't have mattered, I guess) and she finally has a son, Joseph.
Jacob and his father in law are constantly trying to dick each other over. Jacob makes sure Laban ends up with the feeble livestock, keeping the best for himself. Laban changes Jacob's wages and pulls other dickery to cheat Jacob out of what he's owed. Jacob decides to take the brood to Canaan and sneaks out in the dead of night. On the way out, Rachel steals her dad's idols.
Laban hunts them down and demands to know why they didn't say goodbye. The best part of this whole exchange is Rachel hides the stolen idols in a camel saddle, then sits on the camel while Laban frantically searches for the goods. She lies to her dad and says she got her period and can't stand up. He buys it. Classic.
Somehow Laban and Jacob part on decent terms, forming a covenant that involves... wait for it... a sacrificed animal.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Genesis 26-27
It's like father, like son with Abraham and Isaac. Both lived through famines in their younger days and both go to Gerar and pass off their wives as their sisters. WTF is that about? King Abimelech figures out Isaac is a liar before he sleeps with Rebekah and warns his people if anyone toucheth either of these freaks, they'll be put to death.
Isaac sets up shop in Gerar with his many crops, animals and slaves. He is very successful while his neighbors aren't, but hey he is blessed and they aren't. Too bad, so sad. The king eventually asks Isaac to move along, and he heads to the valley. Isaac names the many wells his slaves dig. It helps him pass the time. One night God appears to him in a dream, and in the morning Isaac builds an altar and has the slaves dig another well. OK then.
We end Chapter 26 with Esau's marriages to two Canaanite women, which his parents aren't wild about (I think because they don't have an acceptable heritage).
As Isaac lay nearly blind and dying, he asks Esau to kill something for him to eat and he'll give him a blessing before he kicks off. Rebekah and Jacob conspire so he can get the blessing instead. You already duped Esau out of his birth right, jerk. Isn't that enough? Rebekah puts some goat hide on Jacob so he will be nice and hairy, and the old man thinks he has blessed his favorite son.
Esau arrives home to find what his lying jerk of a brother has done. He begs his father for a blessing, but apparently he can only give one. He says Esau will live far from the fertile land and dew of heaven. He will live by the sword and serve his brother. So not only is he not blessed, his life is going to suck. Esau is raving mad, and Rebekah tells Jacob he better get out of there before his brother kills him. She also wants him to find a wife from another land. These girls from Heth are no good.
Isaac sets up shop in Gerar with his many crops, animals and slaves. He is very successful while his neighbors aren't, but hey he is blessed and they aren't. Too bad, so sad. The king eventually asks Isaac to move along, and he heads to the valley. Isaac names the many wells his slaves dig. It helps him pass the time. One night God appears to him in a dream, and in the morning Isaac builds an altar and has the slaves dig another well. OK then.
We end Chapter 26 with Esau's marriages to two Canaanite women, which his parents aren't wild about (I think because they don't have an acceptable heritage).
As Isaac lay nearly blind and dying, he asks Esau to kill something for him to eat and he'll give him a blessing before he kicks off. Rebekah and Jacob conspire so he can get the blessing instead. You already duped Esau out of his birth right, jerk. Isn't that enough? Rebekah puts some goat hide on Jacob so he will be nice and hairy, and the old man thinks he has blessed his favorite son.
Esau arrives home to find what his lying jerk of a brother has done. He begs his father for a blessing, but apparently he can only give one. He says Esau will live far from the fertile land and dew of heaven. He will live by the sword and serve his brother. So not only is he not blessed, his life is going to suck. Esau is raving mad, and Rebekah tells Jacob he better get out of there before his brother kills him. She also wants him to find a wife from another land. These girls from Heth are no good.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Genesis 23-24
Sarah dies at the age of 123 and Abraham finds a place to bury her. This takes 20 verses, and you should thank me for not going into more detail.
Abraham summons an old favorite slave: "put thy hand under my thigh." I did a little reading about this and apparently it means, come over here and cup my balls. Abraham explains he doesn't want Isaac to marry someone from Canaan (where they live). The slave takes ten camels and heads to the home land of Mesopotamia where he finds Rebekah and knows she is the one. She and her family are quite hospitable to him and the camels, and he in turns gives them jewelry and explains he's there to find a wife for Isaac. Her family happily sends her on her way to become the "mother of thousands of millions."
It's love at first site for Isaac and Rebekah who immediately make a little lovin'... a little turtle dovin' on the Mason-Dixon line. This makes Isaac less broken hearted about Sarah's death, which is good because they're lying in her bed.
Abraham summons an old favorite slave: "put thy hand under my thigh." I did a little reading about this and apparently it means, come over here and cup my balls. Abraham explains he doesn't want Isaac to marry someone from Canaan (where they live). The slave takes ten camels and heads to the home land of Mesopotamia where he finds Rebekah and knows she is the one. She and her family are quite hospitable to him and the camels, and he in turns gives them jewelry and explains he's there to find a wife for Isaac. Her family happily sends her on her way to become the "mother of thousands of millions."
It's love at first site for Isaac and Rebekah who immediately make a little lovin'... a little turtle dovin' on the Mason-Dixon line. This makes Isaac less broken hearted about Sarah's death, which is good because they're lying in her bed.
Genesis 22
God tells Abraham to take "his only son" Isaac (I guess we aren't claiming Ishmael at this point) to the land of Moriah and present him as a burnt offering. You read that right. Burn your son to death, please. Instead of telling God he is an unreasonable asshole, Abraham starts the long trek to Moriah with Isaac and some slaves. Isaac, knowing they are there for a burnt offering, asks where the lamb is. The answer? God will provide one. Joke's on you, Isaac.
An altar is built and the old man ties Isaac to it. He is just about to slit Isaac's throat when an angel of the Lord appears. Just kidding, Abraham! No need to kill your son.
Abraham's willingness to murder his son proves his great faith. He looks up to find a ram has conveniently appeared. The Lord always provides, you know. He burns the ram as an offering to God, who tells Abraham he will have many descendants and be the father of many nations. Hooray!
An altar is built and the old man ties Isaac to it. He is just about to slit Isaac's throat when an angel of the Lord appears. Just kidding, Abraham! No need to kill your son.
Abraham's willingness to murder his son proves his great faith. He looks up to find a ram has conveniently appeared. The Lord always provides, you know. He burns the ram as an offering to God, who tells Abraham he will have many descendants and be the father of many nations. Hooray!
Genesis 20-21
We return to the journey of Abraham and Sarah. He revives his old gag of passing off his wife as his sister. This time King Abimelech of Gerar takes a turn at the wheel. God again gets pissed at the wrong guy. He appears to Abimelech in a dream: "thou are but a dead man." Abimelech points out he didn't know Sarah is Abraham's wife and God eases up on the dead man talk but demands Sarah be returned to her husband. Because she is not property, right? Why no. Because Abraham is a prophet. He's so special that if he lies to you, it's your fault.
Abimelech confronts Abraham, who blames the people of Gerar. Obviously they would have killed him to get to his luscious 100 year old wife, who apparently has no say in who is banging her. So he had to say she is his sister. He then reveals this little nugget: Abraham and Sarah have the same dad. That's right. His wife IS his sister. WTF.
Abimelech makes it up to Abraham (he owed him, wouldn't you say?) with the return of Sarah and a gift of silver, sheep, oxen and plenty of slaves. He tells Abraham to live wherever he wants in Gerar. Abraham finds this satisfactory, and God heals Abimelech, his wife and slaves. Turns out when he heard about Abimelech screwing Sarah, he "closed up all the wombs of the house of Abimelech." That's right. Sterilized them all.
Sarah gives birth to Isaac, the son long promised by God, and Abraham circumcises him. How can Isaac be part of the covenant if his penis doesn't look just like God likes it? Sarah is very merry now that she can "give children suck." The day Isaac stops sucking, Abraham prepares a great feast. Yahoo! No more nursing bras!
Sarah has had enough of Hagar and tells Abraham to throw her and Ishmael out. Abraham is sad, but if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. So he gives Hagar a loaf of bread and a bit of water, and tells her to get the hell out. Recall Ishmael was 13 when he was circumcised. Now he is small enough for Hagar to carry. How does that work? It doesn't take long for the two to find themselves totally screwed, alone in the desert. God intervenes and provides water, saving them from certain death. Ishmael grows up, and his mom finds him a nice Egyptian wife.
Abimelech and Abraham form a covenant where Abraham promises not to be a lying douche again. Abraham gives the gift of some animals but puts seven ewes off to the side, which apparently is supposed to mean something to me. "And Abraham sojourned in the Philistines' land many days." Uh... ok. The end of this chapter (verses 25-34) was lost on me. Hope this isn't the key to the whole book. I'm just going to plow ahead, or I'll never get through this thing.
Abimelech confronts Abraham, who blames the people of Gerar. Obviously they would have killed him to get to his luscious 100 year old wife, who apparently has no say in who is banging her. So he had to say she is his sister. He then reveals this little nugget: Abraham and Sarah have the same dad. That's right. His wife IS his sister. WTF.
Abimelech makes it up to Abraham (he owed him, wouldn't you say?) with the return of Sarah and a gift of silver, sheep, oxen and plenty of slaves. He tells Abraham to live wherever he wants in Gerar. Abraham finds this satisfactory, and God heals Abimelech, his wife and slaves. Turns out when he heard about Abimelech screwing Sarah, he "closed up all the wombs of the house of Abimelech." That's right. Sterilized them all.
Sarah gives birth to Isaac, the son long promised by God, and Abraham circumcises him. How can Isaac be part of the covenant if his penis doesn't look just like God likes it? Sarah is very merry now that she can "give children suck." The day Isaac stops sucking, Abraham prepares a great feast. Yahoo! No more nursing bras!
Sarah has had enough of Hagar and tells Abraham to throw her and Ishmael out. Abraham is sad, but if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. So he gives Hagar a loaf of bread and a bit of water, and tells her to get the hell out. Recall Ishmael was 13 when he was circumcised. Now he is small enough for Hagar to carry. How does that work? It doesn't take long for the two to find themselves totally screwed, alone in the desert. God intervenes and provides water, saving them from certain death. Ishmael grows up, and his mom finds him a nice Egyptian wife.
Abimelech and Abraham form a covenant where Abraham promises not to be a lying douche again. Abraham gives the gift of some animals but puts seven ewes off to the side, which apparently is supposed to mean something to me. "And Abraham sojourned in the Philistines' land many days." Uh... ok. The end of this chapter (verses 25-34) was lost on me. Hope this isn't the key to the whole book. I'm just going to plow ahead, or I'll never get through this thing.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Genesis 16-18
Sarai and Abram have been in Canaan for 10 years when they have a little chat about their infertility. Sarai tells Abram he should sleep with her Egyptian slave Hagar, thinking she may have children by Hagar if she can't have one on her own. She gives Hagar to Abram "to be his wife." Hagar of course has no say in the situation. Abram and Hagar go at it, and she gets knocked up. Sarai is upset about this, even though she is the one who suggested it in the first place. Abram reminds her that she has power over her servant and can do to her as she pleases. Sarai then beats the crap out of Hagar who flees.
An angel of the Lord tracks Hagar down and tells her to return to her mistress Sarai and submit to her. The angel says it's ok Hagar, you'll have a son Ishmael, many descendants, and things will be great, you'll see. Slavery is treated neutrally. Also note that the oppressed is told her reward will come later. Good tactic that keeps the little people in their place.
When Abram is 86 years old, Ishmael is born.
Thirteen years later, God shows up again and says Abram and Sarai are now Abraham and Sarah. OK then. Abraham learns he'll be the father of multitudes of nations and kings. God says Ishmael will be blessed, and Sarah, 90 years old by this point, will have a son Isaac who will be very, very blessed. The token of this covenant is... that's right, circumcision. Lop off your foreskins, please. Abraham takes his son and slaves and circumcises them all. Circumcises himself too. WTF. Ever hear of sealing a deal with a handshake?
God appears to Abraham yet again as Abraham sits at the entrance of his tent. Three men are traveling by and Abraham gives them food and water. Very hospitable. I don't know if these fellows are angels or in cahoots with God or what, but one of the men says Sarah will have a son within the year. She is listening from the tent and laughs in disbelief. Did I mention she's 90 years old? God asks Sarah why she is laughing. "Is there anything too hard for the Lord?" Instead of saying, listen I am a 90 year old woman, she denies laughing. Obviously you don't want to be too logical where God is concerned. So how did she know he was God? Was he visible? Did she just hear a voice? I don't get it.
Abraham walks with the three men as they head out of town toward Sodom, which reminds God of what a wicked place Sodom is. The people there sin all the time and God is ready to smote them all. Abraham doesn't want that to happen - his nephew Lot lives there. He makes a deal with God that if 10 righteous people can be found in Sodom, God will spare the city. What a guy.
An angel of the Lord tracks Hagar down and tells her to return to her mistress Sarai and submit to her. The angel says it's ok Hagar, you'll have a son Ishmael, many descendants, and things will be great, you'll see. Slavery is treated neutrally. Also note that the oppressed is told her reward will come later. Good tactic that keeps the little people in their place.
When Abram is 86 years old, Ishmael is born.
Thirteen years later, God shows up again and says Abram and Sarai are now Abraham and Sarah. OK then. Abraham learns he'll be the father of multitudes of nations and kings. God says Ishmael will be blessed, and Sarah, 90 years old by this point, will have a son Isaac who will be very, very blessed. The token of this covenant is... that's right, circumcision. Lop off your foreskins, please. Abraham takes his son and slaves and circumcises them all. Circumcises himself too. WTF. Ever hear of sealing a deal with a handshake?
God appears to Abraham yet again as Abraham sits at the entrance of his tent. Three men are traveling by and Abraham gives them food and water. Very hospitable. I don't know if these fellows are angels or in cahoots with God or what, but one of the men says Sarah will have a son within the year. She is listening from the tent and laughs in disbelief. Did I mention she's 90 years old? God asks Sarah why she is laughing. "Is there anything too hard for the Lord?" Instead of saying, listen I am a 90 year old woman, she denies laughing. Obviously you don't want to be too logical where God is concerned. So how did she know he was God? Was he visible? Did she just hear a voice? I don't get it.
Abraham walks with the three men as they head out of town toward Sodom, which reminds God of what a wicked place Sodom is. The people there sin all the time and God is ready to smote them all. Abraham doesn't want that to happen - his nephew Lot lives there. He makes a deal with God that if 10 righteous people can be found in Sodom, God will spare the city. What a guy.
Genesis 13-15
In Chapter 13, Abram, Sarai and Lot do some traveling around the Bethel and Hai region. Abram's herdsmen and Lot's herdsmen do not get along, so the two men decide the world's a big place, let's spread out a bit. Lot heads to Jordan because it is beautiful and green. It is also where the wicked sinners of Sodom live. And Abram goes to Canaan. The Lord talks to Abram, assuring him he and his descendants will be very blessed. Abram builds a temple.
Chapter 14 rattles off a long list of kings. There is a war and Sodom and Gomorrah are ransacked. Lot loses all of his possessions and is captured. When Abram hears about his nephew Lot, he puts together an army of his slaves and recaptures all the lost goods. The kings of Sodom and Salem thank Abram and offer food and whatnot as a reward, but Abram refuses.
God talks to Abram again in Chapter 15. Abram takes this opportunity to bring up, hey you said we'd be fruitful but we are STILL childless. He then slaughters a heifer, a goat and a ram as an offering to God. Always a good choice. God promises Abram he will have lots of descendants.
Chapter 14 rattles off a long list of kings. There is a war and Sodom and Gomorrah are ransacked. Lot loses all of his possessions and is captured. When Abram hears about his nephew Lot, he puts together an army of his slaves and recaptures all the lost goods. The kings of Sodom and Salem thank Abram and offer food and whatnot as a reward, but Abram refuses.
God talks to Abram again in Chapter 15. Abram takes this opportunity to bring up, hey you said we'd be fruitful but we are STILL childless. He then slaughters a heifer, a goat and a ram as an offering to God. Always a good choice. God promises Abram he will have lots of descendants.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Genesis 10-12
A whole lot of begatting is going on in Genesis Chapter 10 with the descendants of Noah. Joktan begat Almomad and Sheleph, and on and on. Chapter 11 is more of the same. We meet Abram and Sarai whom we follow for a few chapters. They are married but childless.
10/10/11 EDIT: Today I realized I missed something significant in Ch. 11: the Tower of Babel, which is a pretty enduring image from the bible, so I'm breaking some blog rule and editing an old post. You know, I have wrestled with getting into too much detail in these posts because I don't want them to go on ad nauseam, but then when I try to be concise I miss something. Also, this book is effing boring at times.
OK, so... everyone on earth speaks the same language, which is really handy for building a tower to heaven. Makes it easier to assign roles and such. When God gets wind of this, he makes it so that people no longer speak one common language. And wa-la, foils their plans to build a tower to heaven. Why not just tell them it isn't possible to build a tower that tall because heaven doesn't exist?
In Chapter 12, God tells Abram it's time to leave his father's land. He will be greatly blessed and have a great nation. Well all right then. Let's do this thing. With that, Abram and Sarai hit the road. When they reach Canaan, they build an altar and God promises Abram his descendants will inherit this land.
Abram and Sarai head to Egypt where there is a horrible famine. Things get seriously fucked up at this point. Abram tells Sarai that she is so beautiful the Egyptians will kill him if they think that she is his wife, so he will pass her off as his sister. What? Pharaoh is smitten and starts getting it on with Sarai. Because Abram is her "brother" he is taken care of by Pharoah's folks. He is provided with servants (again, slavery presented as a ho-hum no big deal) and animals including she asses and camels. All is well until God gets involved. He is pretty pissed at Pharaoh for sleeping with Abram's wife and plagues him and his house with some sort of horrible illness. Now, if this is somehow the appropriate penalty, why not punish Abram for lying about Sarai instead of afflicting Pharaoh for what he didn't know?
Pharaoh confronts Abram about his lies and shoos them out of Egypt.
Seriously, what in the hell kind of story is this?
10/10/11 EDIT: Today I realized I missed something significant in Ch. 11: the Tower of Babel, which is a pretty enduring image from the bible, so I'm breaking some blog rule and editing an old post. You know, I have wrestled with getting into too much detail in these posts because I don't want them to go on ad nauseam, but then when I try to be concise I miss something. Also, this book is effing boring at times.
OK, so... everyone on earth speaks the same language, which is really handy for building a tower to heaven. Makes it easier to assign roles and such. When God gets wind of this, he makes it so that people no longer speak one common language. And wa-la, foils their plans to build a tower to heaven. Why not just tell them it isn't possible to build a tower that tall because heaven doesn't exist?
In Chapter 12, God tells Abram it's time to leave his father's land. He will be greatly blessed and have a great nation. Well all right then. Let's do this thing. With that, Abram and Sarai hit the road. When they reach Canaan, they build an altar and God promises Abram his descendants will inherit this land.
Abram and Sarai head to Egypt where there is a horrible famine. Things get seriously fucked up at this point. Abram tells Sarai that she is so beautiful the Egyptians will kill him if they think that she is his wife, so he will pass her off as his sister. What? Pharaoh is smitten and starts getting it on with Sarai. Because Abram is her "brother" he is taken care of by Pharoah's folks. He is provided with servants (again, slavery presented as a ho-hum no big deal) and animals including she asses and camels. All is well until God gets involved. He is pretty pissed at Pharaoh for sleeping with Abram's wife and plagues him and his house with some sort of horrible illness. Now, if this is somehow the appropriate penalty, why not punish Abram for lying about Sarai instead of afflicting Pharaoh for what he didn't know?
Pharaoh confronts Abram about his lies and shoos them out of Egypt.
Seriously, what in the hell kind of story is this?
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Genesis 9
God establishes a covenant with Noah and sons. He will not flood the earth again, and a rainbow will serve as a reminder to God of that promise. I guess he can be forgetful.
Noah plants a vineyard, drinks wine and gets plastered. He then passes out naked in a tent. Hey, we've all been there; don't judge. Did Noah understand that wine could make him drunk or what that even meant? Anyway, Noah's son Ham walks into the tent and sees his naked, passed-out dad. He tells his brothers Shem and Japheth, who cover their naked father. They walk into the tent backwards so they don't see Noah's junk.
When Noah awakes, he magically knows that Ham has seen him naked and ratted him out to his brothers. This ticks off Noah and he curses Ham's son Canaan to be a slave of Shem and Japheth.
Let me get this straight. Noah, the only one whose family is worth saving according to God, is a drunkard (not that there's anything wrong with that). And the problem is not that he passes out naked and drunk, the problem is that someone saw him. And that guy's son is on the hook for it. Slavery is mentioned like it's no big whoop.
The chapter ends with Noah's death at 950 years.
In a few short chapters, we've seen several familiar Sunday School stories - creation, the serpent and the apple, the fall from grace, Noah's ark. Can't you just picture a children's coloring book about Noah's ark ending with the rainbow and God's promise? In the very same chapter, we get drunkenness, nakedness, slavery and impossibly old people.
When adults gather for a bible study, are totally fucked up stories like this one ever included? I listened to a Christian podcast about Genesis Chapter 9, just to hear how crazy shit like this is presented. Thirty of the 40 minutes were spent on God's covenant to us. He promised to never drown us all again. Isn't that wonderful? Isn't he just the best? Noah's drunken revelry is evidence that man is still sinful after this brand new start following the flood. Where does it say getting drunk is a sin? Is it "wicked" (which so far has not been specifically described)? We just know that whatever "wicked" is, it is VERY bad. But best of all, the podcast glossed over the whole slavery thing. Oh, Canaan's going to be a "servant", no biggie... What?
Noah plants a vineyard, drinks wine and gets plastered. He then passes out naked in a tent. Hey, we've all been there; don't judge. Did Noah understand that wine could make him drunk or what that even meant? Anyway, Noah's son Ham walks into the tent and sees his naked, passed-out dad. He tells his brothers Shem and Japheth, who cover their naked father. They walk into the tent backwards so they don't see Noah's junk.
When Noah awakes, he magically knows that Ham has seen him naked and ratted him out to his brothers. This ticks off Noah and he curses Ham's son Canaan to be a slave of Shem and Japheth.
Let me get this straight. Noah, the only one whose family is worth saving according to God, is a drunkard (not that there's anything wrong with that). And the problem is not that he passes out naked and drunk, the problem is that someone saw him. And that guy's son is on the hook for it. Slavery is mentioned like it's no big whoop.
The chapter ends with Noah's death at 950 years.
In a few short chapters, we've seen several familiar Sunday School stories - creation, the serpent and the apple, the fall from grace, Noah's ark. Can't you just picture a children's coloring book about Noah's ark ending with the rainbow and God's promise? In the very same chapter, we get drunkenness, nakedness, slavery and impossibly old people.
When adults gather for a bible study, are totally fucked up stories like this one ever included? I listened to a Christian podcast about Genesis Chapter 9, just to hear how crazy shit like this is presented. Thirty of the 40 minutes were spent on God's covenant to us. He promised to never drown us all again. Isn't that wonderful? Isn't he just the best? Noah's drunken revelry is evidence that man is still sinful after this brand new start following the flood. Where does it say getting drunk is a sin? Is it "wicked" (which so far has not been specifically described)? We just know that whatever "wicked" is, it is VERY bad. But best of all, the podcast glossed over the whole slavery thing. Oh, Canaan's going to be a "servant", no biggie... What?
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