Numbers 15-17

In Numbers 15, we return to an old favorite past time, making offerings to God. Numerous rules are spelled out so you know when it's appropriate to slaughter a bullock, ram, lamb, kid, or she goat. These offerings are a sweet savour unto the Lord. He sure does get hungry up there in the sky. God prefers meat offerings to be tossed with a tenth deal of flour and a fourth part of an hin of oil. Please also provide a fourth part of an hin of wine and some spinach dip and pita chips. Those are delicious. "For I am the Lord your God." I like how the bible continually says that, as if it makes it more true or something.

Something hilariously awful happens in Numbers 15. Some children see a man gathering sticks on the sabbath day, which is a clear violation of the Ten Commandments, so they rat him out to Moses and Aaron. Moses in turn tattles to God who determines this horrible person deserves nothing less than to stand before the congregation and be stoned to death. And they stoned him with stones, and he died. The Israelites then add a ribband of blue to their clothing as a reminder to keep God's commandments, after which ye use to go a whoring. The Basic English Bible translates this to being untrue to God, but it's so much more fun to say "go a whoring." So to sum up, if you've ever picked up sticks on the sabbath, you deserve to be put to death.

Chapter 16 shares a heartwarming tale about our perfectly wise and loving God. Korah, one of the Levite priests, garners the support of 250 princes and challenges Moses' authority. When Moses hears of it, he falls upon his face. He has been doing that a lot lately. He might be exhibiting the early signs of MS or even ALS. I hope he gets that checked out. God is called in to settle the dispute. Take a big guess whose side he takes. He causes some of the would-be rebels to be swallowed up by the land, never to be seen again. God lights the others on fire, then whips up some sort of plague. Aaron and Moses high tail it to the incense to make an atonement and appease God. The plague was stayed (whew!) but sadly not before it claims the life of 14,700 people. Next time, I'll get to that incense faster, God.

In Chapter 17, God instructs Moses to gather a rod from the head of each of the 12 tribes of Israel. A rod from each head, check. Write thou every man's name upon his rod. That's a little weird, but whatever gets you off. I'm not here to judge. Moses puts all the rods in the tabernacle, and in the morning Aaron's rod has blossomed and sprouted almonds. The people freak out, believing this is a bad omen. They weren't fazed by 15,000 people being murdered via the plague, fire and spontaneous burial, but oh no, Aaron has nuts at the base of his rod! Whosoever cometh any thing near the tabernacle shall die!

Numbers 13-14

In Chapter 13, we f-i-n-a-l-l-y reach Canaan. Moses sends a representative from each tribe to "spy out" Canaan. They spend (wait for it) 40 days and 40 nights checking things out. They report that Canaan is indeed the land of milk and honey, but they're fearful of being overpowered by the super sized Canaanites. Caleb thinks they should bust on in and take over, but the rest of the Hebrew spies feel like grasshoppers next to those giants. With crazy biblical names like Issachar, Ephraim and Zebulun, it's funny to see an overly popular name like Caleb. I wonder if Caleb ever has a playdate with Tucker, Parker, Jayden, Aidan or Brayden. Maybe McKenna and Kaylee can join them if it is not their unclean time of the month or they're not busy being stoned to death.

The Hebrews continue complaining in Chapter 14. They go so far as pondering a return to Egypt, where they were slaves... because that's going to be so much better. Morons! When Moses and Aaron get wind of this, they fall flat on their faces in frustration (I am not making this up). Caleb and Joshua address the crowd. How could everyone hear? There's well over a million people, maybe two. Anyway, they remind everyone they have God on their side and the Canaanites don't. The congregation is not convinced and calls for Caleb and Joshua to be stoned to death with stones (in case you're wondering how it's done). At this point, God flies off the handle. He has had enough of these doubters and complainers. He says, "I will smite them with the pestilence, and disinherit them, and will make of thee a greater nation and mightier than they." That's right, God says he'll kill the chosen people and come up with better ones. You didn't hear stories like this in Sunday school, now did you?

Moses asks how this will look to folks with other gods, like those stupid Egyptians, if God smotes all his people because he is unable to get them into the promised land. You've got to think about your street cred, God! Moses also reminds him that he is merciful (since when?), and he basically talks God down... because an all-knowing, loving God would need talked down. Caleb and Joshua earn special favor for their willingness to conquer Canaan but everyone else gets, you guessed it, 40 more years in the wilderness. "And your children shall wander in the wilderness forty years, and bear your whoredoms, until your carcases be wasted in the wilderness." I do hate bearing someone's whoredoms. For good measure, God afflicts a handful of them with a horrible plague and kills them. Are you listening, Hebrews? God will straight up murder your ass, so STFU already!

Then the Amalekites came down, and the Canaanites which dwelt in that hill, and smote them, and discomfited them, even unto Hormah. I'm stating the obvious here.

Leviticus 24-27

As you might expect, the Lord spake unto Moses some more in Leviticus 24. Aaron is to tend to the lamps and put out the bread in the tabernacle.

An "Israelitish woman's son" curses the Lord. Big mistake. He is brought before Moses and stoned to death. This chapter repeats a familiar phrase - eye for eye, tooth for tooth. Somehow that explains getting murdered for taking the Lord's name in vain. By this measure, I'd be dead about 20 million times over by now.

Big shock, but in Leviticus 25, the Lord spake unto Moses some more. Fields are to be planted for six years and left fallow during the seventh year. What is it with the number seven? Every 50 years, there will be a jubilee during which slaves will be released. So for all you slaves out there, hold out hope. It's just 50 short years to freedom. It's all part of God's plan, see?

Leviticus 26 explains that all will be well if you keep God's laws. You will be fruitful and live in a peaceful land. If you do not obey God's commandments, you will be punished seven times over. Your farming will go to shit. Wild beasts will rob you of your children and destroy your livestock. Pestilence will visit you, and ye shall be delivered into the hand of the enemy. The land will become desolate, and your family will be scattered around the land. Ye shall eat the flesh of your children, and God's soul will abhor you. But he's a just God who loves you.

Leviticus 27 explains the tithing process. Hey, God needs dough like everybody else. You can also tithe land and livestock - clean beasts only, please.

Leviticus 19-21

God spake unto Moses some more in Leviticus 19, continuing with his instruction on how to be holy. Molten images and taking God's name in vain are still out of the question, but offerings of various dead animals continue to please the Lord greatly. Don't steal, don't deal falsely with others, don't curse the deaf, and don't put a stumbling block in front of a blind person. It's also very important that you refrain from rounding the corners of your head or your beard. If you force yourself on your slave and she's engaged, she will be scourged. Great news though - she won't be put to death because she was not free to decide on the sex connection. So if she's raped, she won't be murdered? Thanks, God! Also, stand up as a gesture of respect to old people, don't mix cattle breeds, and don't get any tattoos.

Favorite verse in Leviticus 19: "Do not prostitute thy daughter, to cause her to be a whore; lest the land fall to whoredom, and the land become full of wickedness." Don't sell your daughter into prostitution, but not because you're concerned for her welfare. Be more concerned with the state of the land, like any good parent would.

The Lord continues to drone on to Moses in Leviticus 20, but he's getting more agitated about all his rules and regulations. God brings up Molech again. Instead of just saying not to worship this counterfeit god, he says you'll be stoned to death if you do. You don't have to read very much of the bible to see how various religions and sects justify murdering people of differing views.

Those who commit adultery or have homosexual sex will be executed. For I am the LORD your God. The next time some numskull says homosexuality is immoral, tell them this part of the bible also says you'll be executed if you curse your parents. If a man sleeps with a gal on the rag (if he uncovers her fountain of blood), they will be cut off from the chosen people forever. How did they police this one?  If a man fucks an animal, he will be put to death. And so will the animal. Jesus.

Leviticus 21 focuses more on the sons of Aaron, the priests. They are not to shave their heads, cut their beards or get tattoos. High priests are to keep their heads covered and their clothing in order. They are to marry virgins, not widows, divorcees or harlots. They must not be near dead bodies. This would make it hard to officiate at funerals, no?

The best part of this chapter is the list of who is not eligible for the priesthood. Let's say you're a son of Aaron and are super devoted to the Lord your God. Well, that's not good enough. You're forbidden from becoming a priest if you have a blemish, are blind, lame, have a flat nose or anything superfluous. You are similarly unwelcome if you are brokenfooted, brokenhanded, crook backed, a dwarf, have a blemish in your eye, have scurvy, scabs or are infertile ("broken stones"). You are not holy if you are any of these things. Scram, ugly folk.

Exodus 21-23

If you thought the ten commandments were an outstanding set of guidelines for living a moral, upstanding life, you are in for a real treat as we continue with Exodus. Law after glorious law.

• Hebrew slaves are to be freed after six years of service. If a slave brought his family along when he was bought, he can take them when he leaves. If he married one of his master's slaves, he's out of luck. If your slave asks to stay, have him stand against a door and slam an awl through his ear. Once you pierce his ear, he can be a slave forever. How lucky for him.
• If you sell your daughter and her new owner is not satisfied with his purchase, he can sell her but NOT to a foreigner. Well that's just common sense.
• If you kill someone, the penalty is death. If you didn't intend for them to die, God will find you a hiding place
• If you attack your parents, the penalty is death.
• If you curse your parents, the penalty is death.
• If you kidnap someone, the penalty is death.
• If you beat a slave to death, you'll be punished (but not put to death. I mean, it's not like you cursed your parents or something serious). If the slave lives for a couple days after you beat him, there's no punishment "for he is (your) money."
• If you punch a pregnant woman but she doesn't suffer serious injury, you'll pay a fine. If the woman is injured or miscarries, the punishment must match the injury (familiar phrase alert): eye for eye, tooth for tooth.
• If you punch your slave in the face and destroy his or her eye, you must let them go free.
• If you punch your slave in the face and knock out his or her tooth, you must let them go free.
• There's quite a list of livestock laws. Here's the first one, just to give you the idea: If your ox gores someone to death, you must stone it to death but don't eat its meat. If you've been warned about this particular ox, you get stoned to death unless you can afford a fine.
• If you catch someone breaking into your house, you can kill them without penalty unless it's daylight. Stating the obvious here.
• "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." Boy, this one caused some problems.
• If you have sex with an animal, the penalty is death.
• It's odd to read something sensible in this list, but there are a few good points. Do not help a guilty party by being a malicious witness. Do not follow the crowd in doing wrong. Do not execute an innocent or honest person. Do not accept bribes.
• If you offer a sacrifice to any other god, you will be "utterly destroyed." Sigh. Seriously?

God announces he will send an angel to Canaan ahead of the Hebrews. He will send his fear upon them and destroy all the people to whom thou shalt come. He will also send hornets to drive the people out. But not all at once. God wants to ensure the land and livestock are properly maintained in advance of the Israelites' arrival. These folks who've been minding their own business in Canaan for hundreds of years are in for a surprise.