Deuteronomy 5-6

Here are the statutes and judgments which Moses spake in your ears this day. Moses continues rehashing the covenant the chosen people have with God. He reminds them that he alone went up the mountain because they were afraid of God in the form of fire. It's awfully convenient that Moses is always alone when he talks to God - up on a mountain or some other hidden location. This chapter also points out that no one actually saw God; they just heard his voice. Pretty clever there, Moses.

Now you might think we've more than covered the graven image commandment already. You would be wrong. Do not make the likeness of any living thing. Do not bow down to it. Do not serve it. For God is a jealous God. I don't know what else to say about this. It's ridiculous.

Don't take God's name in vain. Keep the Sabbath holy: thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, nor thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thine ox, nor thine ass, nor any of thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates; that thy manservant and thy maidservant may rest as well as thou. Do you know anyone who does this each Sunday? If it's the top 10 list of most important rules, why does almost no one observe it?

Let's see. Honor your father and mother. Don't kill. Don't commit adultery. Don't steal. Don't bear false witness. Don't covet your neighbor's wife, house, field, manservant, maidservant, ox, ass, or anything that is thy neighbor's. When I learned these commandments as a kid, I don't recall anyone mentioning the neighbor's wife is property, on the same level of the ox and ass. Anyway, coveting is very bad. Don't do it.

If the chosen people fear God and keep these super important commandments, it might be well with them and with their children forever! Keep these commandments and love God with all your heart, soul and might, for he brought you out of Egypt with a mighty hand.

Versions of the Ten Commandments we've already covered:
Version 1
Version 2

Deuteronomy 4

Moses drones on endlessly during our reading today. I listened to Thomas and the Bible's podcast on Deut. 4-6, and I recommend it. He reads every word and adds his commentary. Very amusing, especially when Moses will not shut up already. He mused about removing all repetitive text and boiling the first five books of the bible down to each item being stated only one time. He thought he'd end up with maybe 20 pages. I can't overstate how repetitive and ridiculous this book is so far. Moses says the same thing over and over again. He keeps saying the same thing. And then, he'll say the same thing again. After that, he repeats it again. Then he restates it. <stabs eye out with a number 2 pencil>

Here's a fun example. Moses is explaining the graven image commandment. Instead of just saying "no graven images" (or not saying it... recall it was already hammered into the ground in Exodus), he says this:

¹⁶ Lest ye corrupt yourselves, and make you a graven image, the similitude of any figure, the likeness of male or female,

¹⁷ The likeness of any beast that is on the earth, the likeness of any winged fowl that flieth in the air,

¹⁸ The likeness of any thing that creepeth on the ground, the likeness of any fish that is in the waters beneath the earth

 

I GET IT. Don't make a likeness of any figure. Annnd he keeps going:

 

²³ Take heed unto yourselves, lest ye forget the covenant of the LORD your God, which he made with you, and make you a graven image, or the likeness of any thing, which the LORD thy God hath forbidden thee.

²⁴ For the LORD thy God is a consuming fire, even a jealous God.

²⁵ When thou shalt beget children, and children's children, and ye shall have remained long in the land, and shall corrupt yourselves, and make a graven image, or the likeness of any thing, and shall do evil in the sight of the LORD thy God, to provoke him to anger

²⁶ I call heaven and earth to witness against you this day, that ye shall soon utterly perish from off the land whereunto ye go over Jordan to possess it; ye shall not prolong your days upon it, but shall utterly be destroyed.

²⁷ And the LORD shall scatter you among the nations, and ye shall be left few in number among the heathen, whither the LORD shall lead you.

 

If you've made it this far and are still alive, let's think about what Moses is telling us here. First, in case you didn't know, don't make a graven image! How many times do I have to tell you? And if you DO make a graven image, plan on God destroying you and scattering your brood among the nations. This is irrational and tyrannical. It is not the response of a loving and reasonable God. Verse 24 tells us that he's in fact a jealous God. Jealous of a little statue. Someone explain to me the moral and just lesson I'm supposed to be learning here. I don't get it.

 

I was raised Catholic and every church is jam packed with what appears to me to be graven images. Statues, pictures, murals, etc. How does this not break a commandment? What about those little St. Joseph statues people use to sell their houses? And why would God care so much about these images to put them in his Top 10 No No's?

Numbers 15-17

In Numbers 15, we return to an old favorite past time, making offerings to God. Numerous rules are spelled out so you know when it's appropriate to slaughter a bullock, ram, lamb, kid, or she goat. These offerings are a sweet savour unto the Lord. He sure does get hungry up there in the sky. God prefers meat offerings to be tossed with a tenth deal of flour and a fourth part of an hin of oil. Please also provide a fourth part of an hin of wine and some spinach dip and pita chips. Those are delicious. "For I am the Lord your God." I like how the bible continually says that, as if it makes it more true or something.

Something hilariously awful happens in Numbers 15. Some children see a man gathering sticks on the sabbath day, which is a clear violation of the Ten Commandments, so they rat him out to Moses and Aaron. Moses in turn tattles to God who determines this horrible person deserves nothing less than to stand before the congregation and be stoned to death. And they stoned him with stones, and he died. The Israelites then add a ribband of blue to their clothing as a reminder to keep God's commandments, after which ye use to go a whoring. The Basic English Bible translates this to being untrue to God, but it's so much more fun to say "go a whoring." So to sum up, if you've ever picked up sticks on the sabbath, you deserve to be put to death.

Chapter 16 shares a heartwarming tale about our perfectly wise and loving God. Korah, one of the Levite priests, garners the support of 250 princes and challenges Moses' authority. When Moses hears of it, he falls upon his face. He has been doing that a lot lately. He might be exhibiting the early signs of MS or even ALS. I hope he gets that checked out. God is called in to settle the dispute. Take a big guess whose side he takes. He causes some of the would-be rebels to be swallowed up by the land, never to be seen again. God lights the others on fire, then whips up some sort of plague. Aaron and Moses high tail it to the incense to make an atonement and appease God. The plague was stayed (whew!) but sadly not before it claims the life of 14,700 people. Next time, I'll get to that incense faster, God.

In Chapter 17, God instructs Moses to gather a rod from the head of each of the 12 tribes of Israel. A rod from each head, check. Write thou every man's name upon his rod. That's a little weird, but whatever gets you off. I'm not here to judge. Moses puts all the rods in the tabernacle, and in the morning Aaron's rod has blossomed and sprouted almonds. The people freak out, believing this is a bad omen. They weren't fazed by 15,000 people being murdered via the plague, fire and spontaneous burial, but oh no, Aaron has nuts at the base of his rod! Whosoever cometh any thing near the tabernacle shall die!

Exodus 34

A few points of comparison between this chapter and the earlier set of commandments:

• Exodus 20 refers to the list as "my commandments"; only Exodus 34 uses the phrase "the ten commandments." 
• Unlike the verbal list in Exodus 20, Exodus 34 is written in stone. Which seems more official to you?
• The list in Exodus 34 is important enough to recreate after Moses brakest the original set of stone tablets a few chapters back.

Clearly this chapter provides the official, finalized, authorized ten commandments. And now on with our story.

When Moses saw the people of Israel worshiping a golden calf, he brakest the stone tablets written in God's own hand. God instructs Moses to cut two new pieces of stone. Obviously Moses needs to take care of this, because how the heck could God cut two pieces of stone? I guess in his current form, he doesn't have hands. Moses scampers up Mt. Sinai for yet another private 40 days and 40 nights with God. For an old man, he is quite the mountain climber. The two lads recreate the tablets. God twice indicates the wording mirrors the first set.

It is now time to reveal the much anticipated ten commandments. Now remember, this is the inerrant word of God:

1. Thou shalt worship no other gods. This is a match with Exodus 20 except it's lots wordier. Thrice this commandment tells us not to go "a whoring" after other gods. No problem! All gods will remain strictly separate of my numerous whoring activities.
2. Thou shalt make thee no molten gods. Good news -- this must mean graven images are now ok.
3. The feast of unleavened bread shalt thou keep in the month when the ear is on the corn. What month is that? Also, firstborn male sons, cattle, ox and sheep are God's. "But the firstling of an ass thou shalt redeem with a lamb: and if thou redeem [him] not, then shalt thou break his neck." Stating the obvious here.
4. Six days shalt thou work, but on the seventh thou shalt rest. Another match with Exodus 20.
5. Thou shalt observe the feast of weeks. I do enjoy a good feast.
6. Three times a year, the male folk are to appear before the Lord. How would this work exactly? Does God show up down here? Do the men visit him in heaven? Do they all go at once? How do they get there?
7. Thou shalt not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leavened bread. This one's self explanatory.
8. The fat of my feast shall not remain all night until the morning. So I guess take the garbage out.
9. Take the first fruits of your land to the house of the Lord. This commandment is probably easier to observe if you farm. Well, assuming you know how to get to God's house, that is.
10. Thou shalt not boil a baby goat in its mother's milk. A commandment I am guaranteed never to brakest.

If you don't follow these holy guidelines, please know that God "will send punishment on children for the sins of their fathers." He will visit your kin with iniquities for four generations. But he's a just and merciful god.

Exodus 32-33

Moses heads up Mt. Sinai for a private talk with God. The people quickly decide he is gone forever and tell Aaron they want a new god (one that does what it should, one that won't make me feel too bad, one that won't make me feel too good). Aaron's response is to melt everyone's gold earrings and fashion a golden calf. He builds an altar for offering burnt sacrifices to their new god, and the numskulls start worshiping the golden calf.

When the Lord gets wind of this, his wrath waxes very hot against these stiffnecked people (stiffnecked?). Moses reminds God that these are his chosen people he brought out of Egypt to return to the promised land. Come on, God, you can't kill them all now. "And the LORD repented of the evil which he thought to do unto his people." So God gets pissed off, and Moses talks him down. The all powerful, all knowing, almighty God flies into a rage when he sees his people worshiping a piece of gold. These folks didn't get dumber all of a sudden. They've been somewhere between marginal to horrible the entire time. This shouldn't surprise God. In fact, isn't it pretty much his own doing?

Moses heads down the mountain with newly carved tablets containing the ten commandments (the familiar list you read in Exodus 20 is not THE ten commandments). He sees his people dancing around the golden calf, and he is very wroth. He slams the tablets into the ground, breaking them. This is the first document written in God's own hand and he breaks the damn things. Aaron distances himself, claiming the people pushed him into this and all he did was throw gold into a fire and the calf popped out on its own. Moses then notices that everyone is naked, "for Aaron had made them naked unto [their] shame among their enemies." What? Moses reclaims control of the situation and has the sons of Levi kill about 3,000 people. That usually gets your point across.

Moses tells the people he will atone for their sins and get everything squared away with God. He walks up Mt. Sinai yet again. God says these children of Israel are a stiffnecked people, have them remove their ornaments. And of course they do. That's really the best first step when you're trying to make amends with someone - remove your ornaments.

Moses walks down the mountain and heads into the tabernacle, followed closely by God in the form of a pillar of cloud (form of a pail of water, form of an eagle... wonder twin powers, activate!). The people see the pillar of cloud and stand by their tents and worship. These are the same morons who were just worshiping a hunk of gold, so what can you say? God proclaims, "I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will shew mercy on whom I will shew mercy." Well that narrows it down.

It's time for God to leave now, and he will pass by in glory but will cover thy eyes. "Thou shalt see my back parts, but my face shall not be seen." What are God's "back parts" anyway? Does God have a hiney? For that matter, does God have a face? Wasn't he just a pillar of cloud a few verses ago? Is he a shape shifter?

The next post will be the long awaited ten commandments.  Until then, I beg of you, do not offer the blood of a sacrifice with leaven.

Exodus 20

It's time for the ten commandments, boys and girls. Don't look now but this familiar list is actually not the ten commandments. The official "ten commandments" appear later in Exodus and you aren't going to believe it when we get there. I'll just say I hope you haven't ever boiled a baby goat in its mother's milk. But for now, God spake all these words:

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.  Remind me how this has anything to do with moral behavior? And when someone insists that we have only one God, remember this commandment. The big man himself says there are multiple gods.
2. No graven images, which the Basic English Bible translates as not making "an image or picture of anything in heaven or on the earth or in the waters under the earth." If your child draws a picture of fish in the ocean, this commandment is broken. Our "jealous God" promises he will visit "the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me." So if you don't buy into this list, your great-grandchildren will be punished. Pretty sure that's not moral.
3. Don't take God's name in vain. Why not? I do it all the time.
4. Keep the Sabbath holy. I think only Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A follow this one. God gives his top ten rules and the first four have nothing to do with how we should behave or treat one another. So far he has focused on keeping people in their place and under his spell.
5. Honor your father and mother. This sounds good but is too simpleton in reality. What if your parents are abusive assholes? If you're the victim of incest, should you be held to this commandment? This sounds like a good rule for keeping people in their place. If someone has more power than you do, too bad for you. How about respecting and honoring those who have protected and helped you on your path through life? Wouldn't something like that be more useful?
6. Thou shalt not kill. The bible has done a shit job on this commandment so far. And what about euthanasia? Self defense? Soldiers at war? Do you support the death penalty? How many abortion doctors have been shot and killed with this commandment held up as justification? Wherever you stand on these issues, it's pretty clear it's more complicated than this one-dimensional edict.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery. If the rules for life are to be whittled down to a top ten list, I say this doesn't make the cut. Why not a more general guideline about keeping your promises? Or maybe we could have an item about treating people fairly and honestly. How about thou shalt not manipulate or take advantage of people. Why did adultery and graven images make the list but nothing about rape and torture? A bunch of 20th century Catholic priests could have used a commandment along those lines. A priest who rapes a little kid doesn't break a single commandment, unless he does it on a Sunday. And *I'm* the asshole for not believing this list is the greatest code of human behavior ever written?
8. Thou shalt not steal. I'm against stealing as much as the next guy, and it's easy to understand why we have laws against theft. However, if you survived Hurricane Katrina, were you wrong to steal baby formula for your child? Ethics are situational; the ten commandments don't have any notion of that. That's an important point for this entire list. This is also a good time to point out that without the ten commandments, we'd still have concluded that taking other people's stuff is wrong. Plenty of societies have figured this out without the bible.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. Does this commandment pertain to courtroom testimony, or false statements against other people or any form of lying? Are white lies wrong? And who qualifies as a neighbor, and why include that phrase in the first place? Is God saying if you're a damn foreigner, I can bear false witness against you? Also, if I know where your battered wife is hiding I'm going to lie to you about it, commandments be damned.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, wife, slaves, ox, ass or property. This one is the thought police. Jealous of your neighbor's car? Envy their beautiful house? Wish you had a nice tight ass like theirs? All wrong, folks. It's OK to own slaves, just don't covet your neighbor's. Notice that women are property too. Stupid fucking list. Seriously.

I think these rules should be on display at every courthouse in America, don't you?