It's time for Passover, boys and girls. Those who have been made unclean by a dead body must make an atonement before they can participate, but then it's go time. Passover rituals ensue, then God shows up as the helpful pillar of cloud to guide their journey away from Mt. Sinai.
Now that we're finally moving toward Canaan, God explains how to keep the group together and on task. Instead of just, you know, appearing to everyone and explaining what to do, a complex series of trumpet blasts will be used. There's the blast of one trumpet, the blast of two trumpets, and one or two alarm sounds. When the congregation is to be gathered together, ye shall blow, but ye shall not sound an alarm. Duh.
Trumpets are to be sounded over peace offerings and burnt offerings. No word on what to do about meal offerings or drink offerings. If Moses and the gang find themselves in a vicious cockfight with the enemy, they are to sound a trumpet alarm. This will alert God that he needs to step in and save them from the bad guys. This implies that God is not always paying attention to or protecting his chosen people, and the blast of a trumpet will cause him to tune back in. I guess it's probably time consuming running the entire universe, and the guy just needs some quiet time to zone out.
Chapter 10 helpfully lists all the tribes taking part in this journey, in case they haven't been listed enough already. This is the most repetitive, poorly written POS e-v-e-r. Here's but a sample: "And over the host of the tribe of the children of Manasseh was Gamaliel the son of Pedahzur." Very important detail to include in the good book over and over again, no? At least we're finally moving toward the land of milk and honey, so I can't complain too much. I do love honey.
Showing posts with label Mt Sinai. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mt Sinai. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Numbers 1
Apparently we are in for a lot of counting in the Book of Numbers. We remain at Mt. Sinai as Numbers begins. How are these folks ever going to reach the land of milk and honey if they keep jogging in place?
God spake unto Moses, instructing him to conduct a census of the men 20 years and older who are able bodied for war. The Book of Numbers then provides a mind-numbing amount of counting in the most excessively verbose manner possible. I'm pretty sure the authors of the bible were paid by the word. The census is done tribe by tribe and excludes the Levites. We have 600,000 able bodied men. Wow! So how would you know which tribe each person belongs to, or does each guy know that his great-grandpa was Reuben, Simeon, etc. on through all the sons of Jacob? How would you get them to group together for the headcount? How would you communicate with everyone what you're trying to do?
I bet you're wondering why the tribe of Levi wasn't counted. It turns out they have special tabernacle duties. They're more special than the special people.
Everyone pitches a tent near the tabernacle. I would guess the entire group is well over a million (maybe even two?) if the able bodied men number 600,000. Also, it's important to God that strangers who near the tabernacle are put to death. How would they get near it? That's a pretty big group to plow through. Why would they want to? How would they even know it's there? And how would you know, if you're in a group of a million+ people, who the strangers are?
Numbers is off to an awful start.
God spake unto Moses, instructing him to conduct a census of the men 20 years and older who are able bodied for war. The Book of Numbers then provides a mind-numbing amount of counting in the most excessively verbose manner possible. I'm pretty sure the authors of the bible were paid by the word. The census is done tribe by tribe and excludes the Levites. We have 600,000 able bodied men. Wow! So how would you know which tribe each person belongs to, or does each guy know that his great-grandpa was Reuben, Simeon, etc. on through all the sons of Jacob? How would you get them to group together for the headcount? How would you communicate with everyone what you're trying to do?
I bet you're wondering why the tribe of Levi wasn't counted. It turns out they have special tabernacle duties. They're more special than the special people.
Everyone pitches a tent near the tabernacle. I would guess the entire group is well over a million (maybe even two?) if the able bodied men number 600,000. Also, it's important to God that strangers who near the tabernacle are put to death. How would they get near it? That's a pretty big group to plow through. Why would they want to? How would they even know it's there? And how would you know, if you're in a group of a million+ people, who the strangers are?
Numbers is off to an awful start.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Exodus 32-33
Moses heads up Mt. Sinai for a private talk with God. The people quickly decide he is gone forever and tell Aaron they want a new god (one that does what it should, one that won't make me feel too bad, one that won't make me feel too good). Aaron's response is to melt everyone's gold earrings and fashion a golden calf. He builds an altar for offering burnt sacrifices to their new god, and the numskulls start worshiping the golden calf.
When the Lord gets wind of this, his wrath waxes very hot against these stiffnecked people (stiffnecked?). Moses reminds God that these are his chosen people he brought out of Egypt to return to the promised land. Come on, God, you can't kill them all now. "And the LORD repented of the evil which he thought to do unto his people." So God gets pissed off, and Moses talks him down. The all powerful, all knowing, almighty God flies into a rage when he sees his people worshiping a piece of gold. These folks didn't get dumber all of a sudden. They've been somewhere between marginal to horrible the entire time. This shouldn't surprise God. In fact, isn't it pretty much his own doing?
Moses heads down the mountain with newly carved tablets containing the ten commandments (the familiar list you read in Exodus 20 is not THE ten commandments). He sees his people dancing around the golden calf, and he is very wroth. He slams the tablets into the ground, breaking them. This is the first document written in God's own hand and he breaks the damn things. Aaron distances himself, claiming the people pushed him into this and all he did was throw gold into a fire and the calf popped out on its own. Moses then notices that everyone is naked, "for Aaron had made them naked unto [their] shame among their enemies." What? Moses reclaims control of the situation and has the sons of Levi kill about 3,000 people. That usually gets your point across.
Moses tells the people he will atone for their sins and get everything squared away with God. He walks up Mt. Sinai yet again. God says these children of Israel are a stiffnecked people, have them remove their ornaments. And of course they do. That's really the best first step when you're trying to make amends with someone - remove your ornaments.
Moses walks down the mountain and heads into the tabernacle, followed closely by God in the form of a pillar of cloud (form of a pail of water, form of an eagle... wonder twin powers, activate!). The people see the pillar of cloud and stand by their tents and worship. These are the same morons who were just worshiping a hunk of gold, so what can you say? God proclaims, "I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will shew mercy on whom I will shew mercy." Well that narrows it down.
It's time for God to leave now, and he will pass by in glory but will cover thy eyes. "Thou shalt see my back parts, but my face shall not be seen." What are God's "back parts" anyway? Does God have a hiney? For that matter, does God have a face? Wasn't he just a pillar of cloud a few verses ago? Is he a shape shifter?
The next post will be the long awaited ten commandments. Until then, I beg of you, do not offer the blood of a sacrifice with leaven.
When the Lord gets wind of this, his wrath waxes very hot against these stiffnecked people (stiffnecked?). Moses reminds God that these are his chosen people he brought out of Egypt to return to the promised land. Come on, God, you can't kill them all now. "And the LORD repented of the evil which he thought to do unto his people." So God gets pissed off, and Moses talks him down. The all powerful, all knowing, almighty God flies into a rage when he sees his people worshiping a piece of gold. These folks didn't get dumber all of a sudden. They've been somewhere between marginal to horrible the entire time. This shouldn't surprise God. In fact, isn't it pretty much his own doing?
Moses heads down the mountain with newly carved tablets containing the ten commandments (the familiar list you read in Exodus 20 is not THE ten commandments). He sees his people dancing around the golden calf, and he is very wroth. He slams the tablets into the ground, breaking them. This is the first document written in God's own hand and he breaks the damn things. Aaron distances himself, claiming the people pushed him into this and all he did was throw gold into a fire and the calf popped out on its own. Moses then notices that everyone is naked, "for Aaron had made them naked unto [their] shame among their enemies." What? Moses reclaims control of the situation and has the sons of Levi kill about 3,000 people. That usually gets your point across.
Moses tells the people he will atone for their sins and get everything squared away with God. He walks up Mt. Sinai yet again. God says these children of Israel are a stiffnecked people, have them remove their ornaments. And of course they do. That's really the best first step when you're trying to make amends with someone - remove your ornaments.
Moses walks down the mountain and heads into the tabernacle, followed closely by God in the form of a pillar of cloud (form of a pail of water, form of an eagle... wonder twin powers, activate!). The people see the pillar of cloud and stand by their tents and worship. These are the same morons who were just worshiping a hunk of gold, so what can you say? God proclaims, "I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will shew mercy on whom I will shew mercy." Well that narrows it down.
It's time for God to leave now, and he will pass by in glory but will cover thy eyes. "Thou shalt see my back parts, but my face shall not be seen." What are God's "back parts" anyway? Does God have a hiney? For that matter, does God have a face? Wasn't he just a pillar of cloud a few verses ago? Is he a shape shifter?
The next post will be the long awaited ten commandments. Until then, I beg of you, do not offer the blood of a sacrifice with leaven.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Exodus 18-19
Moses is spending a lot of time settling disputes and interpreting God's laws for the Hebrews. His father-in-law Jethro advises him to set up a judicial system. Moses hearkens to the voice of Jethro and rounds up the able God-fearing men who hate covetousness. He instructs them to settle the garden variety disputes, freeing him up to deal with the most complicated legal cases.
When the Hebrews set up camp in Sinai, God beckons Moses from the mountaintop. He reminds Moses that he destroyed the Egyptians while bearing his people "on eagles' wings." And he will raise you up on eagles' wings, bear you on the breath of dawn. Make you to shine like the sun, and hold you in the palm of his hand... Yes, this book is ridiculous, but I do dig the tunes.
God is going to deliver the most important rules for life, and Moses needs to prepare his people properly. They are to wash their clothes and abstain from sex. That helps you listen apparently. I do wonder how Moses spake this message unto 600,000 people. OK, so Moses will walk up into the mountainside, but the people are NOT to follow him. Penalty: Death. I bet you cynically think this prevents anyone from calling Moses' bluff and proving he's not up there talking to the almighty. Well, God is going to make himself known to the masses. He will appear with the thunders and lightnings, descend upon Mt. Sinai in fire, and bellow through the clouds. Really, why would you visibly appear to everyone and remove all doubt when you can quake the whole mount greatly? With that, the plans are in place. Buckle up - the ten commandments are right around the corner.
When the Hebrews set up camp in Sinai, God beckons Moses from the mountaintop. He reminds Moses that he destroyed the Egyptians while bearing his people "on eagles' wings." And he will raise you up on eagles' wings, bear you on the breath of dawn. Make you to shine like the sun, and hold you in the palm of his hand... Yes, this book is ridiculous, but I do dig the tunes.
God is going to deliver the most important rules for life, and Moses needs to prepare his people properly. They are to wash their clothes and abstain from sex. That helps you listen apparently. I do wonder how Moses spake this message unto 600,000 people. OK, so Moses will walk up into the mountainside, but the people are NOT to follow him. Penalty: Death. I bet you cynically think this prevents anyone from calling Moses' bluff and proving he's not up there talking to the almighty. Well, God is going to make himself known to the masses. He will appear with the thunders and lightnings, descend upon Mt. Sinai in fire, and bellow through the clouds. Really, why would you visibly appear to everyone and remove all doubt when you can quake the whole mount greatly? With that, the plans are in place. Buckle up - the ten commandments are right around the corner.
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