In today's reading, Moses is still speaking to the Hebrews, summarizing and repeating the law. He's been talking so long, I wonder if anyone is still listening. Also, aren't there like a million people on this journey? Does he have a really boss sound system? How does this work?
Moses reminds the chosen people of the kooky time when they worshipped the golden calf. God was very wroth, and only thanks to Moses were they not destroyed. In anger, Moses did brakest the tablets containing the Ten Commandments though. He and God refashion those and spell out the specifications for an ark to house the new ones. Moses' brother Aaron and his Levite kin, the priests, are to bear the ark of the covenant. As a special bonus, they are left out of inheriting any of the promised land. Sorry about that. Hope you enjoy the honor of toting around the ark made of shittim wood. The Hebrews are to both fear and love God, and to him thou shalt cleave. Circumcise therefore the foreskin of your heart, and be no more stiffnecked. OK then.
Remember when God opened up the Red Sea and swallowed all those people? Remember when the earth opened up her mouth and gobbled up Dathan, Abiram, all of their households and possessions? Isn't God so great and mighty? If you obey his commandments, you will be blessed. If you don't, you will be cursed. Destroy any place that worships other gods. Overthrow their altars, break their pillars, burn their groves, hew down their graven images. Bring your offerings and tithes before the Lord. Don't eat the blood of any sacrificed animal. If someone around you worships another god, you must kill them. If a town is full of such non-believers, destroy it utterly. Why is God so threatened by other gods? If he really is the one true god, what does he care? Shouldn't he be more secure?
Do not cut yourself, nor make any baldness between your eyes for the dead. Thou shalt not eat any abominable thing. Stick with the animals that have cloven hooves and chew the cud. Tithe, tithe, tithe. God needs money, folks. Every seven years, debts are forgiven and slaves are released. If your slave asks to stay, take an awl and thrust it through his ear and he'll be yours forever. What slave asks to stay? And why barbarically pierce his ear? The firstborn male in thy herd and thy flock shalt be eaten before the Lord, unless it has a blemish or is blind or lame. Eat those within thy gates; God doesn't want to see the ugly ones. Don't forget to pour its blood upon the ground like water.
Observe the feast of unleavened bread (Passover) during the month of Abib. Then put the sickle to the corn and celebrate the feast of weeks. The feast of the tabernacles is observed after thy gathers thy corn and thy wine. Three times a year all the menfolk appear before the Lord with an offering associated with each festival. How this works is beyond me. Where do they meet up with him, or do they go up to heaven? How do they get there? What does God need with bread and wine?
Showing posts with label Moses. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Moses. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Deuteronomy 7-8
When the Hebrews get to the promised land, God assures them he will cast out seven nations greater and mightier than they. We have the Hittites, Girgashites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites and of course the Jebusites. The Hebrews are to smite them and show no mercy. Destroy their altars, groves, and especially their graven images (God hates those). And whatever you do, don't marry one of these horrible people who worship other gods. This will kindle the wrath of God who will destroy the both of you. But he loves you.
If the Hebrews keep up their end of the deal, then God will love thee, and bless thee, and multiply thee: he will also bless the fruit of thy womb, and the fruit of thy land, thy corn, and thy wine, and thine oil, the increase of thy kine, and the flocks of thy sheep, in the land which he sware unto thy fathers to give thee. Thou shalt be blessed above all people: there shall not be male or female barren among you, or among your cattle. Even the cattle will be fertile - excellent.
Also, God will protect the chosen people from being sick but will afflict everyone else. Think about how cruel this is. People tend to worship the god of their parents. You're born into it, indoctrinated and that's all you know. These folks worshipping the wrong god don't have any resources to find out about the "real" god, and yet they are cursed and damned forever. It makes no sense. It's a scare tactic meant to keep people in their place. Don't even think about other gods or else.
The "mighty and terrible" God doesn't want any graven images around. The Hebrews are to burn graven images with fire, for they are cursed things. Apparently this is the most important of the Ten Commandments, since Moses keeps telling us about it over and over again. If you think the 10C are crucial for living a good and moral life, explain this one to me. I don't get it.
This journey to Canaan has taken 40 years to humble thee. God suffered thee to hunger, then fed thee manna - bread that rained down from the heavens - to prove man does not live on bread alone. No, we also need that sweet elixir that is God's word.
Outside of Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, when have you ever seen it rain food from the heavens? Why hasn't this happened since biblical times? One of every seven people is undernourished, and 25,000 of them will die today.* Where is God?
* more on these numbers:
http://www.worldhunger.org/articles/Learn/world%20hunger%20facts%202002.htm
http://www.poverty.com/
If the Hebrews keep up their end of the deal, then God will love thee, and bless thee, and multiply thee: he will also bless the fruit of thy womb, and the fruit of thy land, thy corn, and thy wine, and thine oil, the increase of thy kine, and the flocks of thy sheep, in the land which he sware unto thy fathers to give thee. Thou shalt be blessed above all people: there shall not be male or female barren among you, or among your cattle. Even the cattle will be fertile - excellent.
Also, God will protect the chosen people from being sick but will afflict everyone else. Think about how cruel this is. People tend to worship the god of their parents. You're born into it, indoctrinated and that's all you know. These folks worshipping the wrong god don't have any resources to find out about the "real" god, and yet they are cursed and damned forever. It makes no sense. It's a scare tactic meant to keep people in their place. Don't even think about other gods or else.
The "mighty and terrible" God doesn't want any graven images around. The Hebrews are to burn graven images with fire, for they are cursed things. Apparently this is the most important of the Ten Commandments, since Moses keeps telling us about it over and over again. If you think the 10C are crucial for living a good and moral life, explain this one to me. I don't get it.
This journey to Canaan has taken 40 years to humble thee. God suffered thee to hunger, then fed thee manna - bread that rained down from the heavens - to prove man does not live on bread alone. No, we also need that sweet elixir that is God's word.
Outside of Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, when have you ever seen it rain food from the heavens? Why hasn't this happened since biblical times? One of every seven people is undernourished, and 25,000 of them will die today.* Where is God?
* more on these numbers:
http://www.worldhunger.org/articles/Learn/world%20hunger%20facts%202002.htm
http://www.poverty.com/
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Deuteronomy 5-6
Here are the statutes and judgments which Moses spake in your ears this day. Moses continues rehashing the covenant the chosen people have with God. He reminds them that he alone went up the mountain because they were afraid of God in the form of fire. It's awfully convenient that Moses is always alone when he talks to God - up on a mountain or some other hidden location. This chapter also points out that no one actually saw God; they just heard his voice. Pretty clever there, Moses.
Now you might think we've more than covered the graven image commandment already. You would be wrong. Do not make the likeness of any living thing. Do not bow down to it. Do not serve it. For God is a jealous God. I don't know what else to say about this. It's ridiculous.
Don't take God's name in vain. Keep the Sabbath holy: thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, nor thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thine ox, nor thine ass, nor any of thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates; that thy manservant and thy maidservant may rest as well as thou. Do you know anyone who does this each Sunday? If it's the top 10 list of most important rules, why does almost no one observe it?
Let's see. Honor your father and mother. Don't kill. Don't commit adultery. Don't steal. Don't bear false witness. Don't covet your neighbor's wife, house, field, manservant, maidservant, ox, ass, or anything that is thy neighbor's. When I learned these commandments as a kid, I don't recall anyone mentioning the neighbor's wife is property, on the same level of the ox and ass. Anyway, coveting is very bad. Don't do it.
If the chosen people fear God and keep these super important commandments, it might be well with them and with their children forever! Keep these commandments and love God with all your heart, soul and might, for he brought you out of Egypt with a mighty hand.
Versions of the Ten Commandments we've already covered:
Version 1
Version 2
Now you might think we've more than covered the graven image commandment already. You would be wrong. Do not make the likeness of any living thing. Do not bow down to it. Do not serve it. For God is a jealous God. I don't know what else to say about this. It's ridiculous.
Don't take God's name in vain. Keep the Sabbath holy: thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, nor thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thine ox, nor thine ass, nor any of thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates; that thy manservant and thy maidservant may rest as well as thou. Do you know anyone who does this each Sunday? If it's the top 10 list of most important rules, why does almost no one observe it?
Let's see. Honor your father and mother. Don't kill. Don't commit adultery. Don't steal. Don't bear false witness. Don't covet your neighbor's wife, house, field, manservant, maidservant, ox, ass, or anything that is thy neighbor's. When I learned these commandments as a kid, I don't recall anyone mentioning the neighbor's wife is property, on the same level of the ox and ass. Anyway, coveting is very bad. Don't do it.
If the chosen people fear God and keep these super important commandments, it might be well with them and with their children forever! Keep these commandments and love God with all your heart, soul and might, for he brought you out of Egypt with a mighty hand.
Versions of the Ten Commandments we've already covered:
Version 1
Version 2
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Deuteronomy 4
Moses drones on endlessly during our reading today. I listened to Thomas and the Bible's podcast on Deut. 4-6, and I recommend it. He reads every word and adds his commentary. Very amusing, especially when Moses will not shut up already. He mused about removing all repetitive text and boiling the first five books of the bible down to each item being stated only one time. He thought he'd end up with maybe 20 pages. I can't overstate how repetitive and ridiculous this book is so far. Moses says the same thing over and over again. He keeps saying the same thing. And then, he'll say the same thing again. After that, he repeats it again. Then he restates it. <stabs eye out with a number 2 pencil>
Here's a fun example. Moses is explaining the graven image commandment. Instead of just saying "no graven images" (or not saying it... recall it was already hammered into the ground in Exodus), he says this:
23 Take heed unto yourselves, lest ye forget the covenant of the LORD your God, which he made with you, and make you a graven image, or the likeness of any thing, which the LORD thy God hath forbidden thee.
Here's a fun example. Moses is explaining the graven image commandment. Instead of just saying "no graven images" (or not saying it... recall it was already hammered into the ground in Exodus), he says this:
16 Lest ye corrupt yourselves, and make you a graven image, the similitude of any figure, the likeness of male or female,
17 The likeness of any beast that is on the earth, the likeness of any winged fowl that flieth in the air,
18 The likeness of any thing that creepeth on the ground, the likeness of any fish that is in the waters beneath the earth
I GET IT. Don't make a likeness of any figure. Annnd he keeps going:
24 For the LORD thy God is a consuming fire, even a jealous God.
25 When thou shalt beget children, and children's children, and ye shall have remained long in the land, and shall corrupt yourselves, and make a graven image, or the likeness of any thing, and shall do evil in the sight of the LORD thy God, to provoke him to anger
26 I call heaven and earth to witness against you this day, that ye shall soon utterly perish from off the land whereunto ye go over Jordan to possess it; ye shall not prolong your days upon it, but shall utterly be destroyed.
27 And the LORD shall scatter you among the nations, and ye shall be left few in number among the heathen, whither the LORD shall lead you.
If you've made it this far and are still alive, let's think about what Moses is telling us here. First, in case you didn't know, don't make a graven image! How many times do I have to tell you? And if you DO make a graven image, plan on God destroying you and scattering your brood among the nations. This is irrational and tyrannical. It is not the response of a loving and reasonable God. Verse 24 tells us that he's in fact a jealous God. Jealous of a little statue. Someone explain to me the moral and just lesson I'm supposed to be learning here. I don't get it.
I was raised Catholic and every church is jam packed with what appears to me to be graven images. Statues, pictures, murals, etc. How does this not break a commandment? What about those little St. Joseph statues people use to sell their houses? And why would God care so much about these images to put them in his Top 10 No No's?
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Deuteronomy 1-3
Because I took a substantial break on this project, I reviewed my old work to refresh my memory. I recalled just how torturous it was to get through the first four books. It is terribly hard to read. That's why you haven't read it. Also, it sucks.
Deuteronomy so far is a rehash of what we already know. It begins on the first day of the 11th month of the 40th year of the journey to Canaan, and these be the words of Moses. God is fussy that the group is running in place at Mount Horeb. It is high time the chosen people claimed the land God has set aside for them. Moses names some team leaders - captains over thousands, captains over hundreds, captains over fifties, captains over tens. Twelve men journey ahead of the group to determine the best route. The people still have doubts and fears, and the Lord hears the voice of their words and is very wroth.
Joshua steps up to lead the fight which puts him in very good standing (spoiler alert: he's about to become our next leader). Ye shall not fear them, for the LORD your God he shall fight for you. The journey to Canaan is very violent but it's OK; God has their backs. They are the chosen people, more special than anyone else (I still don't understand why this is so).
Moses recounts how they conquered this land and that king, including Bashon the land of giants. Apparently the giants were bad at slaying normal sized people. That's a shame. They get mowed down like all the rest. The chosen people murder all the men, women and children in their path, then take all the livestock and other spoils for themselves. Those little kids aren't part of the chosen tribe, so tough luck for them. It's God's will, people.
These first three chapters are chock full of gems like this: Jair the son of Manasseh took all the country of Argob unto the coasts of Geshuri and Maachathi; and called them after his own name, Bashanhavothjair, unto this day. Makes you want to read the whole book, right?
Deuteronomy so far is a rehash of what we already know. It begins on the first day of the 11th month of the 40th year of the journey to Canaan, and these be the words of Moses. God is fussy that the group is running in place at Mount Horeb. It is high time the chosen people claimed the land God has set aside for them. Moses names some team leaders - captains over thousands, captains over hundreds, captains over fifties, captains over tens. Twelve men journey ahead of the group to determine the best route. The people still have doubts and fears, and the Lord hears the voice of their words and is very wroth.
Joshua steps up to lead the fight which puts him in very good standing (spoiler alert: he's about to become our next leader). Ye shall not fear them, for the LORD your God he shall fight for you. The journey to Canaan is very violent but it's OK; God has their backs. They are the chosen people, more special than anyone else (I still don't understand why this is so).
Moses recounts how they conquered this land and that king, including Bashon the land of giants. Apparently the giants were bad at slaying normal sized people. That's a shame. They get mowed down like all the rest. The chosen people murder all the men, women and children in their path, then take all the livestock and other spoils for themselves. Those little kids aren't part of the chosen tribe, so tough luck for them. It's God's will, people.
These first three chapters are chock full of gems like this: Jair the son of Manasseh took all the country of Argob unto the coasts of Geshuri and Maachathi; and called them after his own name, Bashanhavothjair, unto this day. Makes you want to read the whole book, right?
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Numbers 32-36
As the Israelites reach Canaan, we finish the Book of Numbers. There is a God!
The gang arrives in Gilead in Numbers 32. Reuben and Gad are quite taken with the place. It's just perfect for their cattle. Moses grants them permission to settle there if they promise to help slaughter the Canaanites. It's all hands on deck when you've got serious murdering to do. Moses then threatens the wrath of God if Reuben and Gad don't follow through.
Numbers 33 is a recap. You don't know literary torture until you've had to read a bible-style recap.
And the Lord spake unto Moses in Numbers 34, describing Canaan's borders. Eleazar the priest and Joshua the son of Nun are named the leaders who will divide and assign the land.
Numbers 35 gives us some handy guidelines regarding murder. If you purposefully kill someone, say by striking them with an instrument of iron, the punishment is death. If you accidentally kill someone, you are to go to a city of refuge. When the high priest dies, you are free to go. Also, bloodshed pollutes the land. So give a hoot and don't pollute.
If a woman inherits land or money (if there are no male heirs), Numbers 36 instructs that she must marry within her tribe. The gals find this very fair and commence marrying their cousins.
The gang arrives in Gilead in Numbers 32. Reuben and Gad are quite taken with the place. It's just perfect for their cattle. Moses grants them permission to settle there if they promise to help slaughter the Canaanites. It's all hands on deck when you've got serious murdering to do. Moses then threatens the wrath of God if Reuben and Gad don't follow through.
Numbers 33 is a recap. You don't know literary torture until you've had to read a bible-style recap.
And the Lord spake unto Moses in Numbers 34, describing Canaan's borders. Eleazar the priest and Joshua the son of Nun are named the leaders who will divide and assign the land.
Numbers 35 gives us some handy guidelines regarding murder. If you purposefully kill someone, say by striking them with an instrument of iron, the punishment is death. If you accidentally kill someone, you are to go to a city of refuge. When the high priest dies, you are free to go. Also, bloodshed pollutes the land. So give a hoot and don't pollute.
If a woman inherits land or money (if there are no male heirs), Numbers 36 instructs that she must marry within her tribe. The gals find this very fair and commence marrying their cousins.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Numbers 27-31
I needed a little break from the bible, and I do apologize for my absence. I've crossed paths with the good book a couple times this week, and I know in my heart it's the Lord calling me back to him. Just today I read this nugget on Facebook: "Many scriptures of the old testament says the Lord revenged, in truth the Lord avenges His people out of love from the enemy!" He does work in mysterious ways, folks.
And now, on with our story.
Numbers 27 talks about how property is passed on when a man with no male heirs dies. In these sad and unfortunate circumstances, the daughters can receive the inheritance. Zelophehad's daughters score some land as a result. God lets Moses know his life is almost over, and Moses selects Joshua as his successor. It's been a good ride, old man, but get your affairs in order.
We learn more rules and rituals in Numbers 28-29. There's Passover and the Feast of Weeks. There's offerings on the Sabbath, the first of the month and every morning and night. God does enjoy a sweet savour, maybe a lamb mingled with an hin of oil. God also requests trumpets on the first day of the seventh month. An atonement on the tenth day would be good. And one goat for a sin offering; beside the continual burnt offering, his meat offering, and his drink offering. This is all very straight forward.
Numbers 30 provides some good, old fashioned patriarchy. When a man makes a vow, he must not break it. But when a woman makes a vow, her husband or father can overrule her and forbid it. I mean, she's a woman. It's not like she has her own brain.
God is good and pissed off again in Numbers 31, which means some Midianites need murdered and pronto. All the adult males they can find including Balaam are slaughtered. This is particularly rude since Balaam could have used his magical powers to curse the Hebrews just a few short chapters ago.
The chosen people also steal all the goods and burn some cities. And the booty, being the rest of the prey which the men of war had caught, was six hundred thousand and seventy thousand and five thousand sheep. And threescore and twelve thousand beeves. And threescore and one thousand asses. And thirty and two thousand persons in all, of women that had not known man by lying with him. I guess the non-virgin gals were murdered too. And how is it that they determined whether a lady they were about to abduct was a virgin or not? I'll leave you with that thought.
And now, on with our story.
Numbers 27 talks about how property is passed on when a man with no male heirs dies. In these sad and unfortunate circumstances, the daughters can receive the inheritance. Zelophehad's daughters score some land as a result. God lets Moses know his life is almost over, and Moses selects Joshua as his successor. It's been a good ride, old man, but get your affairs in order.
We learn more rules and rituals in Numbers 28-29. There's Passover and the Feast of Weeks. There's offerings on the Sabbath, the first of the month and every morning and night. God does enjoy a sweet savour, maybe a lamb mingled with an hin of oil. God also requests trumpets on the first day of the seventh month. An atonement on the tenth day would be good. And one goat for a sin offering; beside the continual burnt offering, his meat offering, and his drink offering. This is all very straight forward.
Numbers 30 provides some good, old fashioned patriarchy. When a man makes a vow, he must not break it. But when a woman makes a vow, her husband or father can overrule her and forbid it. I mean, she's a woman. It's not like she has her own brain.
God is good and pissed off again in Numbers 31, which means some Midianites need murdered and pronto. All the adult males they can find including Balaam are slaughtered. This is particularly rude since Balaam could have used his magical powers to curse the Hebrews just a few short chapters ago.
The chosen people also steal all the goods and burn some cities. And the booty, being the rest of the prey which the men of war had caught, was six hundred thousand and seventy thousand and five thousand sheep. And threescore and twelve thousand beeves. And threescore and one thousand asses. And thirty and two thousand persons in all, of women that had not known man by lying with him. I guess the non-virgin gals were murdered too. And how is it that they determined whether a lady they were about to abduct was a virgin or not? I'll leave you with that thought.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Numbers 24-26
In Chapter 24, Balak gets fussy with Balaam about not cursing the Israelites but Balaam cannot go against God's wishes. Balaam says these Hebrews are special and great things are in store for them in the smiting department. "There shall come a Star out of Jacob, and a Sceptre shall rise out of Israel, and shall smite the corners of Moab."
The Hebrews reach Shittim in Chapter 25 and immediately begin whoring with the Moabites. Not the deuce I'd expect to drop in Shittim, but goddammit those Moabites are sexy. Sacrifices are made to other gods, and the real God gets super pissed. Heads are going to roll and pronto.
To make God happy, Phinehas sends a javelin through a Moabite woman's belly straight through her Israeli lover. God then kills 24,000 people via the plague method and makes a convenant of peace with Phinehas for his excellent two-in-one murder. God tells Moses he'd like all Midianites dead. Apparently God has forgotten that Moses' wife is a Midianite. Whoopsie.
Chapter 26 brings us more counting, hooray! A census reveals there are 600,000 fighting men and 23,000 Levites. Caleb and Joshua are not included in the headcount.
The Hebrews reach Shittim in Chapter 25 and immediately begin whoring with the Moabites. Not the deuce I'd expect to drop in Shittim, but goddammit those Moabites are sexy. Sacrifices are made to other gods, and the real God gets super pissed. Heads are going to roll and pronto.
To make God happy, Phinehas sends a javelin through a Moabite woman's belly straight through her Israeli lover. God then kills 24,000 people via the plague method and makes a convenant of peace with Phinehas for his excellent two-in-one murder. God tells Moses he'd like all Midianites dead. Apparently God has forgotten that Moses' wife is a Midianite. Whoopsie.
Chapter 26 brings us more counting, hooray! A census reveals there are 600,000 fighting men and 23,000 Levites. Caleb and Joshua are not included in the headcount.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Numbers 21
I apologize for the delay. What's holding this process up is the bible itself. It SUCKS, people. No wonder so few people read it. To try to get things moving again, I'm going to post about the next chapter tonight if it kills me. And now on with our story.
We begin Numbers 21 with the news that a Canaanite king has fought off approaching Israelites and taken some as prisoners. The Israelites turn to God -- if you will return our people to us, then we will utterly destroy the Canaanite cities. God, recognizing a good deal when he sees one, hearkens unto the voice of Israel. And they called the place Hormah.
The chosen people continue on by way of the Red Sea to Edom. Forgetting that God struck down 15,000 people a few chapters back, these morons start bitching and moaning. "And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died." Will these people never learn? I guess God has a change of heart because he instructs Moses to build a magic brass rod shaped like a serpent. People who have been bitten and aren't already dead can gaze upon the magic rod and be healed.
Numbers 21 outlines the cities they pass through on their journey. It's pretty much the path you'd expect -- Oboth to Zared to the brooks of Arnon to the border of Moab. And thence they went to Beer where the princes digged a well. Then from Mattanah to Nahaliel to Bamoth. When they get to Sihon, they ask the Amorite king if they can kindly pass through his land. He says no so the Israelites kill a bunch of people and take the land. "Thus Israel dwelt in the land of the Amorites."
Then it's on to Jaazer where Moses and company kill everyone and take their land. It's God's will.
We begin Numbers 21 with the news that a Canaanite king has fought off approaching Israelites and taken some as prisoners. The Israelites turn to God -- if you will return our people to us, then we will utterly destroy the Canaanite cities. God, recognizing a good deal when he sees one, hearkens unto the voice of Israel. And they called the place Hormah.
The chosen people continue on by way of the Red Sea to Edom. Forgetting that God struck down 15,000 people a few chapters back, these morons start bitching and moaning. "And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died." Will these people never learn? I guess God has a change of heart because he instructs Moses to build a magic brass rod shaped like a serpent. People who have been bitten and aren't already dead can gaze upon the magic rod and be healed.
Numbers 21 outlines the cities they pass through on their journey. It's pretty much the path you'd expect -- Oboth to Zared to the brooks of Arnon to the border of Moab. And thence they went to Beer where the princes digged a well. Then from Mattanah to Nahaliel to Bamoth. When they get to Sihon, they ask the Amorite king if they can kindly pass through his land. He says no so the Israelites kill a bunch of people and take the land. "Thus Israel dwelt in the land of the Amorites."
Then it's on to Jaazer where Moses and company kill everyone and take their land. It's God's will.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Numbers 18-20
After such greatly entertaining chapters, we were bound to have a dud in Numbers 18. Again we learn about the rules and regulations involved in being a priest. God has given priestly powers to only Aaron and the Levites, and any stranger who cometh nigh will be put to death. When it comes to offerings, God wants the very best wine, wheat and oil. Make sure the beasts you massacre are the tastiest ones too. He will also take one-tenth of the money tithed by the Israelites, and the Levites get the rest. Such a deal.
In Chapter 19, we learn how to purify ourselves after being defiled by corpses. This is useful information given that so many people were recently slaughtered. He that toucheth a dead man is unclean for seven days. A red heifer without blemish is to be sacrificed. Burn him up and gather the ashes. Mix into the water of separation, and sprinkle it upon unclean people and tents. If you don't do this, you are to be cut off from the chosen people forever.
We begin Chapter 20 on a sad note. Moses' sister Miriam dies and is buried in Kadesh. We spend all of one verse bidding her farewell.
The people are thirsty and complain to Moses and Aaron, who visit the tabernacle and fall on their faces. The glory of the Lord appears, and Moses is instructed to gather everyone before a rock. He is to speak to the rock and it shalt give forth water for man and beast alike. Moses gets a wild hair and decides to hit the rock instead. The water springs forth and the people drink, but this insubordination upsets God so much that he announces he will not bring the congregation into the promised land after all.
Moses and company are on their own for the next step of the journey. Moses sends a messenger to King Edom, asking if they can pass through his land. Edom refuses, so the group goes the way of Mount Hor. God appears again, telling Aaron and his son Eleazar to walk up Mount Hor. Aaron is to be stripped of his garments which will then be worn by Eleazar. Aaron is also instructed to die at the top of the mount, which he dutifully does. When the Israelites learn of Aaron's death, they mourn for 30 days.
In Chapter 19, we learn how to purify ourselves after being defiled by corpses. This is useful information given that so many people were recently slaughtered. He that toucheth a dead man is unclean for seven days. A red heifer without blemish is to be sacrificed. Burn him up and gather the ashes. Mix into the water of separation, and sprinkle it upon unclean people and tents. If you don't do this, you are to be cut off from the chosen people forever.
We begin Chapter 20 on a sad note. Moses' sister Miriam dies and is buried in Kadesh. We spend all of one verse bidding her farewell.
The people are thirsty and complain to Moses and Aaron, who visit the tabernacle and fall on their faces. The glory of the Lord appears, and Moses is instructed to gather everyone before a rock. He is to speak to the rock and it shalt give forth water for man and beast alike. Moses gets a wild hair and decides to hit the rock instead. The water springs forth and the people drink, but this insubordination upsets God so much that he announces he will not bring the congregation into the promised land after all.
Moses and company are on their own for the next step of the journey. Moses sends a messenger to King Edom, asking if they can pass through his land. Edom refuses, so the group goes the way of Mount Hor. God appears again, telling Aaron and his son Eleazar to walk up Mount Hor. Aaron is to be stripped of his garments which will then be worn by Eleazar. Aaron is also instructed to die at the top of the mount, which he dutifully does. When the Israelites learn of Aaron's death, they mourn for 30 days.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Numbers 11-12
Numbers has been mostly boring thus far, so Chapter 11 is a pleasant surprise. As the Hebrews journey towards the promised land, they start complaining about everything. This makes God very angry. You know how it is when you take the kids on a long car trip, and they start acting like spoiled brats. God's reaction is to light several of them on fire. He does have a temper, folks.
The chosen people don't take a hint and whine about being hungry. They are tired of eating manna, the bread that magically falls from the sky. They miss Egypt where they had better food. Even though they were slaves, at least they were well fed. This bitching and moaning makes Moses and God very wroth. Moses has carried these numskulls in his bosom, as a nursing father bearing the sucketh child (what?). And yet they bitch! He asks God to either kill him or shut these people up. God puts his spirit upon 70 elders so they can help Moses out, whatever that means. He then makes a bunch of quail rain down round about the camp. He's still furious and to make himself feel better about feeding these people, he afflicts the quail eaters with a horrible plague and kills them. And he called the name of that place Kibrothhattaavah: because there they buried the people that lusted. Obviously.
Chapter 12 reveals it isn't just the bratty minions who aren't getting along. Moses' siblings Aaron and Miriam are fussy as well. They don't like that Moses married an Ethiopian woman instead of an Israelite. They are also mad that God deals directly with Moses instead of including them. This makes God very wroth and he afflicts Miriam with leprosy. Aaron realizes he's in deep shit and pleads with Moses for mercy. Moses takes this message to God who heals Miriam after she is shut out of the camp for seven days. The entire group of one or two million people have to wait around for seven days until she's good to go.
Those who have not been murdered by God leave Hazeroth and head toward Paran.
The chosen people don't take a hint and whine about being hungry. They are tired of eating manna, the bread that magically falls from the sky. They miss Egypt where they had better food. Even though they were slaves, at least they were well fed. This bitching and moaning makes Moses and God very wroth. Moses has carried these numskulls in his bosom, as a nursing father bearing the sucketh child (what?). And yet they bitch! He asks God to either kill him or shut these people up. God puts his spirit upon 70 elders so they can help Moses out, whatever that means. He then makes a bunch of quail rain down round about the camp. He's still furious and to make himself feel better about feeding these people, he afflicts the quail eaters with a horrible plague and kills them. And he called the name of that place Kibrothhattaavah: because there they buried the people that lusted. Obviously.
Chapter 12 reveals it isn't just the bratty minions who aren't getting along. Moses' siblings Aaron and Miriam are fussy as well. They don't like that Moses married an Ethiopian woman instead of an Israelite. They are also mad that God deals directly with Moses instead of including them. This makes God very wroth and he afflicts Miriam with leprosy. Aaron realizes he's in deep shit and pleads with Moses for mercy. Moses takes this message to God who heals Miriam after she is shut out of the camp for seven days. The entire group of one or two million people have to wait around for seven days until she's good to go.
Those who have not been murdered by God leave Hazeroth and head toward Paran.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Numbers 9-10
It's time for Passover, boys and girls. Those who have been made unclean by a dead body must make an atonement before they can participate, but then it's go time. Passover rituals ensue, then God shows up as the helpful pillar of cloud to guide their journey away from Mt. Sinai.
Now that we're finally moving toward Canaan, God explains how to keep the group together and on task. Instead of just, you know, appearing to everyone and explaining what to do, a complex series of trumpet blasts will be used. There's the blast of one trumpet, the blast of two trumpets, and one or two alarm sounds. When the congregation is to be gathered together, ye shall blow, but ye shall not sound an alarm. Duh.
Trumpets are to be sounded over peace offerings and burnt offerings. No word on what to do about meal offerings or drink offerings. If Moses and the gang find themselves in a vicious cockfight with the enemy, they are to sound a trumpet alarm. This will alert God that he needs to step in and save them from the bad guys. This implies that God is not always paying attention to or protecting his chosen people, and the blast of a trumpet will cause him to tune back in. I guess it's probably time consuming running the entire universe, and the guy just needs some quiet time to zone out.
Chapter 10 helpfully lists all the tribes taking part in this journey, in case they haven't been listed enough already. This is the most repetitive, poorly written POS e-v-e-r. Here's but a sample: "And over the host of the tribe of the children of Manasseh was Gamaliel the son of Pedahzur." Very important detail to include in the good book over and over again, no? At least we're finally moving toward the land of milk and honey, so I can't complain too much. I do love honey.
Now that we're finally moving toward Canaan, God explains how to keep the group together and on task. Instead of just, you know, appearing to everyone and explaining what to do, a complex series of trumpet blasts will be used. There's the blast of one trumpet, the blast of two trumpets, and one or two alarm sounds. When the congregation is to be gathered together, ye shall blow, but ye shall not sound an alarm. Duh.
Trumpets are to be sounded over peace offerings and burnt offerings. No word on what to do about meal offerings or drink offerings. If Moses and the gang find themselves in a vicious cockfight with the enemy, they are to sound a trumpet alarm. This will alert God that he needs to step in and save them from the bad guys. This implies that God is not always paying attention to or protecting his chosen people, and the blast of a trumpet will cause him to tune back in. I guess it's probably time consuming running the entire universe, and the guy just needs some quiet time to zone out.
Chapter 10 helpfully lists all the tribes taking part in this journey, in case they haven't been listed enough already. This is the most repetitive, poorly written POS e-v-e-r. Here's but a sample: "And over the host of the tribe of the children of Manasseh was Gamaliel the son of Pedahzur." Very important detail to include in the good book over and over again, no? At least we're finally moving toward the land of milk and honey, so I can't complain too much. I do love honey.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Numbers 6-8
And the Lord spake unto Moses in Chapter 6, explaining how to become a Nazarite. Judging by other bible translations, it looks like this is a clergy person. You take an oath to keep yourself separate and give yourself to the Lord. Par-tay. To be a good Nazarite, it's crucial that you grow out your hair. Drinking wine is prohibited. In fact, all varieties of grapes (moist and dried) must be avoided at all times. Stay away from dead bodies while you're at it. There is one potential snag. Say you go through the steps to become a Nazarite and then someone drops dead next to you, touching your hair on the way to the ground. Then you have to shave your head and start over. Take two turtles or two young pigeons to a priest, one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering. God would like some unleavened bread, oil and a drink offering at this time. Pizza Rolls would be a good choice too.
In Chapter 7, the leader of each tribe presents an offering before the Lord. This goes on for 89 verses and I considered flinging myself out the window rather than read it. I split the difference and just skimmed it. The sons of Gershon give two wagons and four oxen. God needs those. The sons of Helon, Shedeur, Zurishaddai, Huey, Dewey and Luey each take a turn. There are spoons of gold, shekels of this and that, one year old lambs, goats, silver chargers (huh?), gold, incense and more. Everyone piles their gifts on the altar in the tabernacle for a dedication.
God spake unto Moses some more in Chapter 8, this time focusing on the Levites. First, Aaron lights the lamps. The candlesticks are to be made of beaten gold, unto the shaft thereof. Now that's my kind of candlestick. The Levites clean themselves by sprinkling water, washing their clothes and shaving every inch of their bodies. The next thing you want to do when you're good and clean is slaughter some bullocks to make an atonement for your sins. The Levites will serve the Lord in the tabernacle and in return for this wonderful honor, God will take all their firstborn. It's a fond reminder for God of the time he smote all the firstborn of Egypt. I don't think he's going to kill the Levite firstborn; it seems he just wants to own them. And who could blame him really?
Get excited because in Chapter 9 we are finally, finally going to get the F out of Sinai.
In Chapter 7, the leader of each tribe presents an offering before the Lord. This goes on for 89 verses and I considered flinging myself out the window rather than read it. I split the difference and just skimmed it. The sons of Gershon give two wagons and four oxen. God needs those. The sons of Helon, Shedeur, Zurishaddai, Huey, Dewey and Luey each take a turn. There are spoons of gold, shekels of this and that, one year old lambs, goats, silver chargers (huh?), gold, incense and more. Everyone piles their gifts on the altar in the tabernacle for a dedication.
God spake unto Moses some more in Chapter 8, this time focusing on the Levites. First, Aaron lights the lamps. The candlesticks are to be made of beaten gold, unto the shaft thereof. Now that's my kind of candlestick. The Levites clean themselves by sprinkling water, washing their clothes and shaving every inch of their bodies. The next thing you want to do when you're good and clean is slaughter some bullocks to make an atonement for your sins. The Levites will serve the Lord in the tabernacle and in return for this wonderful honor, God will take all their firstborn. It's a fond reminder for God of the time he smote all the firstborn of Egypt. I don't think he's going to kill the Levite firstborn; it seems he just wants to own them. And who could blame him really?
Get excited because in Chapter 9 we are finally, finally going to get the F out of Sinai.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Numbers 2-5
A few people have asked about the break I've taken from the good book. It wasn't planned and I'm not busy. The reason is simple: this book sucks. Back before the flood, people may have lived for hundreds of years, but their life stories were reasonably short. We're now on our third book featuring Moses. For the love of God, will he never die? And how did Joseph and his kin scurry to Canaan and back multiple times, yet Moses is taking f-o-r-e-v-e-r to get past Mt. Sinai. I'm ready for God to spake unto someone besides Moses, but it doesn't look like there's any relief in sight. I'm going to plow through some content tonight if it kills me. Praying to God for strength and wisdom.
And now on with our story.
Chapter 2 repeats the long list of tribes and headcounts. This book, besides being absurd and boring, is unbelievably repetitive. "Then the tribe of Benjamin: and the captain of the sons of Benjamin shall be Abidan the son of Gideoni. And his host, and those that were numbered of them, were thirty and five thousand and four hundred." That's the kind of detail you need to tell me only once but thanks, bible, for making sure this pointless minutia is run into the ground.
In Chapter 3, the Levites are tallied. Instead of counting the men age 20 and older, God's interested in every male one month old and up. "On the day that I smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt I hallowed unto me all the firstborn in Israel, both man and beast: mine shall they be: I am the LORD." If you're wondering who's included, think along the lines of Kohath, Amram, and Izehar, Hebron and Uzziel. God instructs Moses to pay Aaron for the Levites. So these fellows now belong to God, whatever that means.
Chapter 4 outlines the responsibilities of Aaron and the Levite priests. The sons of Kohath carry the holy things. Aaron and sons cover the ark of the testimony with a vail, badger skins, a blue cloth and shall put in the staves thereof. The sons of Gershon between the ages of 30 and 50 are in charge of the tabernacle curtains. The sons of Merari between the ages of 30 and 50 are in charge of the tabernacle boards, bars, pillars and sockets thereof. If you want to live a good moral life, you need to understand these very important words of God. Otherwise, enjoy eternal hellfire, heathen.
The Lord spake unto Moses some more in chapter 5. "Command the children of Israel, that they put out of the camp every leper, and every one that hath an issue, and whosoever is defiled by the dead." So I guess these sad folks just get shunned out of their camps and are left to fend for themselves in the desert? But he's a just God who loves you. God also explains that people need to pay up to be forgiven for their sins. Let the trespass be recompensed unto the Lord. God needs the money. He is saving up for a down payment on his first house.
Then finally the story gets interesting. Adultery, hooray! If a man suspects his wife is having an affair, they can go before a high priest with a meal offering of a tenth part of an ephah of barley meal (without oil or perfume, obviously). The priest in turn will put some dust into a bottle of holy water and put a jealousy offering in the woman's hands. If cheating couples of today would just do this, so many marriages could be saved. The divorce rate would plummet. We must spread the good news! Anyway, the woman drinks some bitter water and the priest casts a spell (sorry, witches, but that's pretty much what is happening here). The bitter water will travel through the woman to her very bowels. If she's innocent of adultery, she will remain fertile. If she's guilty, her gut and legs will rot away and she'll be a curse among her people. This is the law of jealousies.
And now on with our story.
Chapter 2 repeats the long list of tribes and headcounts. This book, besides being absurd and boring, is unbelievably repetitive. "Then the tribe of Benjamin: and the captain of the sons of Benjamin shall be Abidan the son of Gideoni. And his host, and those that were numbered of them, were thirty and five thousand and four hundred." That's the kind of detail you need to tell me only once but thanks, bible, for making sure this pointless minutia is run into the ground.
In Chapter 3, the Levites are tallied. Instead of counting the men age 20 and older, God's interested in every male one month old and up. "On the day that I smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt I hallowed unto me all the firstborn in Israel, both man and beast: mine shall they be: I am the LORD." If you're wondering who's included, think along the lines of Kohath, Amram, and Izehar, Hebron and Uzziel. God instructs Moses to pay Aaron for the Levites. So these fellows now belong to God, whatever that means.
Chapter 4 outlines the responsibilities of Aaron and the Levite priests. The sons of Kohath carry the holy things. Aaron and sons cover the ark of the testimony with a vail, badger skins, a blue cloth and shall put in the staves thereof. The sons of Gershon between the ages of 30 and 50 are in charge of the tabernacle curtains. The sons of Merari between the ages of 30 and 50 are in charge of the tabernacle boards, bars, pillars and sockets thereof. If you want to live a good moral life, you need to understand these very important words of God. Otherwise, enjoy eternal hellfire, heathen.
The Lord spake unto Moses some more in chapter 5. "Command the children of Israel, that they put out of the camp every leper, and every one that hath an issue, and whosoever is defiled by the dead." So I guess these sad folks just get shunned out of their camps and are left to fend for themselves in the desert? But he's a just God who loves you. God also explains that people need to pay up to be forgiven for their sins. Let the trespass be recompensed unto the Lord. God needs the money. He is saving up for a down payment on his first house.
Then finally the story gets interesting. Adultery, hooray! If a man suspects his wife is having an affair, they can go before a high priest with a meal offering of a tenth part of an ephah of barley meal (without oil or perfume, obviously). The priest in turn will put some dust into a bottle of holy water and put a jealousy offering in the woman's hands. If cheating couples of today would just do this, so many marriages could be saved. The divorce rate would plummet. We must spread the good news! Anyway, the woman drinks some bitter water and the priest casts a spell (sorry, witches, but that's pretty much what is happening here). The bitter water will travel through the woman to her very bowels. If she's innocent of adultery, she will remain fertile. If she's guilty, her gut and legs will rot away and she'll be a curse among her people. This is the law of jealousies.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Numbers 1
Apparently we are in for a lot of counting in the Book of Numbers. We remain at Mt. Sinai as Numbers begins. How are these folks ever going to reach the land of milk and honey if they keep jogging in place?
God spake unto Moses, instructing him to conduct a census of the men 20 years and older who are able bodied for war. The Book of Numbers then provides a mind-numbing amount of counting in the most excessively verbose manner possible. I'm pretty sure the authors of the bible were paid by the word. The census is done tribe by tribe and excludes the Levites. We have 600,000 able bodied men. Wow! So how would you know which tribe each person belongs to, or does each guy know that his great-grandpa was Reuben, Simeon, etc. on through all the sons of Jacob? How would you get them to group together for the headcount? How would you communicate with everyone what you're trying to do?
I bet you're wondering why the tribe of Levi wasn't counted. It turns out they have special tabernacle duties. They're more special than the special people.
Everyone pitches a tent near the tabernacle. I would guess the entire group is well over a million (maybe even two?) if the able bodied men number 600,000. Also, it's important to God that strangers who near the tabernacle are put to death. How would they get near it? That's a pretty big group to plow through. Why would they want to? How would they even know it's there? And how would you know, if you're in a group of a million+ people, who the strangers are?
Numbers is off to an awful start.
God spake unto Moses, instructing him to conduct a census of the men 20 years and older who are able bodied for war. The Book of Numbers then provides a mind-numbing amount of counting in the most excessively verbose manner possible. I'm pretty sure the authors of the bible were paid by the word. The census is done tribe by tribe and excludes the Levites. We have 600,000 able bodied men. Wow! So how would you know which tribe each person belongs to, or does each guy know that his great-grandpa was Reuben, Simeon, etc. on through all the sons of Jacob? How would you get them to group together for the headcount? How would you communicate with everyone what you're trying to do?
I bet you're wondering why the tribe of Levi wasn't counted. It turns out they have special tabernacle duties. They're more special than the special people.
Everyone pitches a tent near the tabernacle. I would guess the entire group is well over a million (maybe even two?) if the able bodied men number 600,000. Also, it's important to God that strangers who near the tabernacle are put to death. How would they get near it? That's a pretty big group to plow through. Why would they want to? How would they even know it's there? And how would you know, if you're in a group of a million+ people, who the strangers are?
Numbers is off to an awful start.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Leviticus 9-12
After Moses and the gang's seven days in the tabernacle are up, guess what the first item on the agenda is? That's right, animal sacrifice - a calf and baby goat for a sin offering; a ram, calf and lamb for a burnt offering; a bull and ram for a peace offering; and a meat offering mingled with oil. And Moses said, this is the thing which the Lord commanded that ye should do: and the glory of the Lord shall appear unto you. Thankfully there is a never ending supply of animals to slaughter, or I don't know what we'd do.
Aaron and sons carry out the familiar rituals - mutilating the dead animals, sprinkling blood round about, washing the inwards, smearing blood on the altar, waving the breast and right shoulder in the air, and so on. This pleases the Lord very much, for "the glory of the Lord" appeared before the people. I'm not sure if he's in person form or if it's one of his shape shifter incarnations. A fire came out from before the Lord and consumed the burnt offering and the fat. When the people saw, they shouted and fell on their faces. My goodness that is a hilarious visual.
Just as everything is moving along swimmingly, tragedy befalls us. Aaron's sons Nadab and Abihu mix up some incense and fire at the altar. Standard stuff, but the only problem is God has not commanded them to do so. Penalty: death. You pull a stunt like that and you've got it coming. God blasts them both with flames and murders them. Moses instructs the remaining kin to carry the toasty departed out of the camp and explains how to avoid the same fate.
The Lord spake unto Aaron, instructing him and his sons not to drink wine or strong drink in the tabernacle. Penalty: death. God also clarifies his expectations on sin offerings, wave offerings, peace offerings and heave offerings.
I bet you have many questions about what is clean and unclean and what you can eateth. Some guidelines:
Next up: leprosy. A plague on the skin of thy flesh.
Aaron and sons carry out the familiar rituals - mutilating the dead animals, sprinkling blood round about, washing the inwards, smearing blood on the altar, waving the breast and right shoulder in the air, and so on. This pleases the Lord very much, for "the glory of the Lord" appeared before the people. I'm not sure if he's in person form or if it's one of his shape shifter incarnations. A fire came out from before the Lord and consumed the burnt offering and the fat. When the people saw, they shouted and fell on their faces. My goodness that is a hilarious visual.
Just as everything is moving along swimmingly, tragedy befalls us. Aaron's sons Nadab and Abihu mix up some incense and fire at the altar. Standard stuff, but the only problem is God has not commanded them to do so. Penalty: death. You pull a stunt like that and you've got it coming. God blasts them both with flames and murders them. Moses instructs the remaining kin to carry the toasty departed out of the camp and explains how to avoid the same fate.
The Lord spake unto Aaron, instructing him and his sons not to drink wine or strong drink in the tabernacle. Penalty: death. God also clarifies his expectations on sin offerings, wave offerings, peace offerings and heave offerings.
I bet you have many questions about what is clean and unclean and what you can eateth. Some guidelines:
- Livestock: If it has parted hooves, is cloven footed and cheweth the cud, it is clean and you may eat of it. Swine, camels, coneys and hares are out. Do not eat them or touch their carcasses.
- Fish: If it has fins and scales, it is clean and you may eat of it. Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters is an abomination. I guess that's why we don't eat dolphins. Sidenote: "abomination" is used four times here, so God is serious about this one. If I were you, I wouldn't eat any shrimp.
- Fowls: It is an abomination to eat the eagle (regular and gier), ossifrage, osprey, vulture, raven, owl (little, regular and great), hawk (regular and night), cuckow, cormorant, swan, pelican, stork, heron, lapwing and bat.
- Flying creeping things: You may eat of every flying creeping thing that goeth upon all four, which have legs above their feet, to leap withal upon the earth. Great news: we can eat beetles, grasshoppers and locusts. The other flying creeping things that have four feet are an abomination and you are not to even touch their carcasses (should this happen, you are unclean until nightfall and need to wash your clothes).
- Creeping things that creep upon the earth: Do not touch or eat the weasel, mouse, tortoise, ferret, chameleon, lizard, snail or mole. Where these creatures die is unclean. If one croaks in an earthen vessel, break it.
Next up: leprosy. A plague on the skin of thy flesh.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Leviticus 8
The Lord spake unto Moses, instructing him to gather Aaron and sons along with special clothes, oil, a bull, two rams and some unleavened bread. It's going to be a wild night, boys. They scamper to the tabernacle, wash and dress one another, then anoint each other with oil. And he girded him with the girdle, and clothed him with the robe, and put the ephod upon him, and he girded him with the curious girdle of the ephod, and bound it unto him therewith. Hey, it gets lonely in the desert. I'm not here to judge. He put the breastplate upon him and the mitre upon thy head. And he oiled him with the curious oil of his head. And he rubbed his ephod upon him. Gird! Gird! Gird! Again! Again! Again!
So everyone smokes a cigarette, and it's time for round 2. Moses anoints the tabernacle, sprinkling oil thereof upon the altar seven times to sanctify it. He sprinkles oil on Aaron, does more girding with girdles and puts bonnets on everyone. Then for the big finish, they murder the bull and smear its blood on the altar.
Now it's time to mutilate the dead bull. First they burn the fat, caul and kidneys on the altar. Next they take the skin, flesh and poo poo and burn it outside. With that out of the way, they murder ram #1. They sprinkle some blood round about the altar, then chop the ram into pieces and burn it. It's a sweet savour unto the Lord. And what could be sweeter really?
They set their sites on the remaining ram who has to be shitting itself by now, don't you think? It doesn't suffer long. They kill it of course, and Moses smears its blood on the tip of Aaron's right ear, right thumb and right big toe. He likes this so much he repeats the process with each of Aaron's sons.
Moses takes the ram's fat, rump, all the fat that was upon the inwards, the caul above the liver, the two kidneys and their fat, and the right shoulder. He grabs one unleavened cake, a cake of oiled bread and one wafer, and sets them on top of the fat and right shoulder. Moses and company wave these pieces and parts in the air as a wave offering. They burn everything as a burnt offering, a sweet savour unto the Lord. Moses waves the burned breast in the air, then sprinkles anointing oil and leftover ram's blood all over his brother and nephews. They boil the remaining ram flesh, eat it with some bread (unleavened, of course), and burn the leftovers.
Moses and the gang are to stay in the tabernacle and keep watch for seven days. The Lord hath commanded them to do this, so they die not.
So everyone smokes a cigarette, and it's time for round 2. Moses anoints the tabernacle, sprinkling oil thereof upon the altar seven times to sanctify it. He sprinkles oil on Aaron, does more girding with girdles and puts bonnets on everyone. Then for the big finish, they murder the bull and smear its blood on the altar.
Now it's time to mutilate the dead bull. First they burn the fat, caul and kidneys on the altar. Next they take the skin, flesh and poo poo and burn it outside. With that out of the way, they murder ram #1. They sprinkle some blood round about the altar, then chop the ram into pieces and burn it. It's a sweet savour unto the Lord. And what could be sweeter really?
They set their sites on the remaining ram who has to be shitting itself by now, don't you think? It doesn't suffer long. They kill it of course, and Moses smears its blood on the tip of Aaron's right ear, right thumb and right big toe. He likes this so much he repeats the process with each of Aaron's sons.
Moses takes the ram's fat, rump, all the fat that was upon the inwards, the caul above the liver, the two kidneys and their fat, and the right shoulder. He grabs one unleavened cake, a cake of oiled bread and one wafer, and sets them on top of the fat and right shoulder. Moses and company wave these pieces and parts in the air as a wave offering. They burn everything as a burnt offering, a sweet savour unto the Lord. Moses waves the burned breast in the air, then sprinkles anointing oil and leftover ram's blood all over his brother and nephews. They boil the remaining ram flesh, eat it with some bread (unleavened, of course), and burn the leftovers.
Moses and the gang are to stay in the tabernacle and keep watch for seven days. The Lord hath commanded them to do this, so they die not.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Exodus 35-40
Let's finish Exodus, so we never, ever have to read it again, mmkay?
The remainder of this book is so repetitive, boring and horrible that I can hardly believe I survived to tell about it. And with that sentence, you know all you need to know about the rest of Exodus. But because I'm so gosh darned thorough, here are some highlights from Exodus 35-40:
The remainder of this book is so repetitive, boring and horrible that I can hardly believe I survived to tell about it. And with that sentence, you know all you need to know about the rest of Exodus. But because I'm so gosh darned thorough, here are some highlights from Exodus 35-40:
- Now that God has given us his terrific list of commandments, let's take him offerings, including gold, silver, brass, shittim wood, dyed rams' skin, incense, oil and onyx stones. I try to peel away the layers of this mind numbingly detailed ritual to find what's at the heart of it, and guess what? Nothing is there. OK, I didn't try that hard. I was too busy wishing I was done with this stupid book.
- Those with willing hearts, in whom the Lord put wisdom and understanding, will bring offerings for the Lord. What in the hell does God need with this stuff anyway?
- And then there's the detail about the tabernacle. GAH! I wanted to gouge my eyes out reading this. Linen curtains of cubits and more cubits. Loops of fifty made he. Fifty taches of gold, curtains of goat hair, rams' skin dyed red, and badger skin. Sockets of silver and brass, bars of shittim wood, and purple and scarlet needlework. Gold overlay, gold rings, gold crowns, gold candlesticks, and gold cherubs beaten out of one piece made he them, on the two ends of the mercy seat. And he made his seven lamps, and his snuffers, and his snuffdishes of pure gold.
- Your altar needs pots and basins and fire pans and flesh hooks and shovels for the numerous burnt offerings you're going to have. You'll need to butcher animal after animal to make things right with God. What a gory, bloody place this tabernacle must have been.
- The brass of the offering is seventy talents, and two thousand and four hundred shekels. I'm stating the obvious here.
- The ministers wear fancy outfits in the tabernacle. Girding thyselves with girdles. Wearing bonnets, rings of gold and wreathen chains fastened in the ouches (where are the ouches again? I forget). And an ephod bedazzled with onyx, jasper, amethyst, agate, carbuncle, sardius, emerald and gold in their enclosings. If all this sounds familiar, it's because we already read this same verbose description earlier in Exodus. Cut to the chase, God. Jesus Christ.
- God tells Moses to gather the congregation in the tabernacle on the first of the month. Light the candles, burn the incense, and slaughter some animals for the Lord your God.
- Aaron and his sons are the ministers. To prepare for the altar ceremony (which I guess you could call church?), they don their fancy boy clothes, dot themselves with oil and wash their feet. Then God will show up at the tabernacle as a cloud by day and fire by night.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Exodus 34
A few points of comparison between this chapter and the earlier set of commandments:
When Moses saw the people of Israel worshiping a golden calf, he brakest the stone tablets written in God's own hand. God instructs Moses to cut two new pieces of stone. Obviously Moses needs to take care of this, because how the heck could God cut two pieces of stone? I guess in his current form, he doesn't have hands. Moses scampers up Mt. Sinai for yet another private 40 days and 40 nights with God. For an old man, he is quite the mountain climber. The two lads recreate the tablets. God twice indicates the wording mirrors the first set.
It is now time to reveal the much anticipated ten commandments. Now remember, this is the inerrant word of God:
- Exodus 20 refers to the list as "my commandments"; only Exodus 34 uses the phrase "the ten commandments."
- Unlike the verbal list in Exodus 20, Exodus 34 is written in stone. Which seems more official to you?
- The list in Exodus 34 is important enough to recreate after Moses brakest the original set of stone tablets a few chapters back.
When Moses saw the people of Israel worshiping a golden calf, he brakest the stone tablets written in God's own hand. God instructs Moses to cut two new pieces of stone. Obviously Moses needs to take care of this, because how the heck could God cut two pieces of stone? I guess in his current form, he doesn't have hands. Moses scampers up Mt. Sinai for yet another private 40 days and 40 nights with God. For an old man, he is quite the mountain climber. The two lads recreate the tablets. God twice indicates the wording mirrors the first set.
It is now time to reveal the much anticipated ten commandments. Now remember, this is the inerrant word of God:
- Thou shalt worship no other gods. This is a match with Exodus 20 except it's lots wordier. Thrice this commandment tells us not to go "a whoring" after other gods. No problem! All gods will remain strictly separate of my numerous whoring activities.
- Thou shalt make thee no molten gods. Good news -- this must mean graven images are now ok.
- The feast of unleavened bread shalt thou keep in the month when the ear is on the corn. What month is that? Also, firstborn male sons, cattle, ox and sheep are God's. "But the firstling of an ass thou shalt redeem with a lamb: and if thou redeem [him] not, then shalt thou break his neck." Stating the obvious here.
- Six days shalt thou work, but on the seventh thou shalt rest. Another match with Exodus 20.
- Thou shalt observe the feast of weeks. I do enjoy a good feast.
- Three times a year, the male folk are to appear before the Lord. How would this work exactly? Does God show up down here? Do the men visit him in heaven? Do they all go at once? How do they get there?
- Thou shalt not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leavened bread. This one's self explanatory.
- The fat of my feast shall not remain all night until the morning. So I guess take the garbage out.
- Take the first fruits of your land to the house of the Lord. This commandment is probably easier to observe if you farm. Well, assuming you know how to get to God's house, that is.
- Thou shalt not boil a baby goat in its mother's milk. A commandment I am guaranteed never to brakest.
If you don't follow these holy guidelines, please know that God "will send punishment on children for the sins of their fathers." He will visit your kin with iniquities for four generations. But he's a just and merciful god.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Exodus 32-33
Moses heads up Mt. Sinai for a private talk with God. The people quickly decide he is gone forever and tell Aaron they want a new god (one that does what it should, one that won't make me feel too bad, one that won't make me feel too good). Aaron's response is to melt everyone's gold earrings and fashion a golden calf. He builds an altar for offering burnt sacrifices to their new god, and the numskulls start worshiping the golden calf.
When the Lord gets wind of this, his wrath waxes very hot against these stiffnecked people (stiffnecked?). Moses reminds God that these are his chosen people he brought out of Egypt to return to the promised land. Come on, God, you can't kill them all now. "And the LORD repented of the evil which he thought to do unto his people." So God gets pissed off, and Moses talks him down. The all powerful, all knowing, almighty God flies into a rage when he sees his people worshiping a piece of gold. These folks didn't get dumber all of a sudden. They've been somewhere between marginal to horrible the entire time. This shouldn't surprise God. In fact, isn't it pretty much his own doing?
Moses heads down the mountain with newly carved tablets containing the ten commandments (the familiar list you read in Exodus 20 is not THE ten commandments). He sees his people dancing around the golden calf, and he is very wroth. He slams the tablets into the ground, breaking them. This is the first document written in God's own hand and he breaks the damn things. Aaron distances himself, claiming the people pushed him into this and all he did was throw gold into a fire and the calf popped out on its own. Moses then notices that everyone is naked, "for Aaron had made them naked unto [their] shame among their enemies." What? Moses reclaims control of the situation and has the sons of Levi kill about 3,000 people. That usually gets your point across.
Moses tells the people he will atone for their sins and get everything squared away with God. He walks up Mt. Sinai yet again. God says these children of Israel are a stiffnecked people, have them remove their ornaments. And of course they do. That's really the best first step when you're trying to make amends with someone - remove your ornaments.
Moses walks down the mountain and heads into the tabernacle, followed closely by God in the form of a pillar of cloud (form of a pail of water, form of an eagle... wonder twin powers, activate!). The people see the pillar of cloud and stand by their tents and worship. These are the same morons who were just worshiping a hunk of gold, so what can you say? God proclaims, "I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will shew mercy on whom I will shew mercy." Well that narrows it down.
It's time for God to leave now, and he will pass by in glory but will cover thy eyes. "Thou shalt see my back parts, but my face shall not be seen." What are God's "back parts" anyway? Does God have a hiney? For that matter, does God have a face? Wasn't he just a pillar of cloud a few verses ago? Is he a shape shifter?
The next post will be the long awaited ten commandments. Until then, I beg of you, do not offer the blood of a sacrifice with leaven.
When the Lord gets wind of this, his wrath waxes very hot against these stiffnecked people (stiffnecked?). Moses reminds God that these are his chosen people he brought out of Egypt to return to the promised land. Come on, God, you can't kill them all now. "And the LORD repented of the evil which he thought to do unto his people." So God gets pissed off, and Moses talks him down. The all powerful, all knowing, almighty God flies into a rage when he sees his people worshiping a piece of gold. These folks didn't get dumber all of a sudden. They've been somewhere between marginal to horrible the entire time. This shouldn't surprise God. In fact, isn't it pretty much his own doing?
Moses heads down the mountain with newly carved tablets containing the ten commandments (the familiar list you read in Exodus 20 is not THE ten commandments). He sees his people dancing around the golden calf, and he is very wroth. He slams the tablets into the ground, breaking them. This is the first document written in God's own hand and he breaks the damn things. Aaron distances himself, claiming the people pushed him into this and all he did was throw gold into a fire and the calf popped out on its own. Moses then notices that everyone is naked, "for Aaron had made them naked unto [their] shame among their enemies." What? Moses reclaims control of the situation and has the sons of Levi kill about 3,000 people. That usually gets your point across.
Moses tells the people he will atone for their sins and get everything squared away with God. He walks up Mt. Sinai yet again. God says these children of Israel are a stiffnecked people, have them remove their ornaments. And of course they do. That's really the best first step when you're trying to make amends with someone - remove your ornaments.
Moses walks down the mountain and heads into the tabernacle, followed closely by God in the form of a pillar of cloud (form of a pail of water, form of an eagle... wonder twin powers, activate!). The people see the pillar of cloud and stand by their tents and worship. These are the same morons who were just worshiping a hunk of gold, so what can you say? God proclaims, "I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will shew mercy on whom I will shew mercy." Well that narrows it down.
It's time for God to leave now, and he will pass by in glory but will cover thy eyes. "Thou shalt see my back parts, but my face shall not be seen." What are God's "back parts" anyway? Does God have a hiney? For that matter, does God have a face? Wasn't he just a pillar of cloud a few verses ago? Is he a shape shifter?
The next post will be the long awaited ten commandments. Until then, I beg of you, do not offer the blood of a sacrifice with leaven.
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