Numbers 22-23

Today's episode of the Inerrant Word of God includes a talking donkey.

The Israelites reach Moab (on this side of Jordan). As King Balak watches them arrive, he is understandably nervous given his neighbors' recent fate. Balak wants them smited (smote? smoten? smoted?) and driven from the land so he asks Balaam for help. Apparently Balaam is good at delivering curses. Balaam has a one-on-one with God who tells him he cannot curse the chosen people. Thou shalt go with them instead. There's some back and forth between God and Balak's people, which causes God to change course and tell Balaam to go with Balak's tribe.

Balaam saddles his ass and tags along with the princes of Moab. This makes God very wroth, even though Balaam is doing exactly what he was just told to do. God does the logical thing and blocks his path with an angel wielding a sword. Problem is, the angel is invisible to Balaam. The donkey, however, can see it and stops in the road. Balaam gets angry and beats the donkey who then starts talking.

A talking donkey.

And I'm what's wrong with America for not believing this is the inspired, perfect word of God.

Right.

The donkey wants to know why Balaam is beating the shit out of him. Fair question. The angel then makes itself visible to Balaam who apologizes profusely for the sin of not seeing an invisible angel that God put there to trick him. Clearly that's his fault.

Then Balaam and Balak journey to Kirjathhuzoth and Baal that thence he might see the utmost part of the people.

In Chapter 23, Balaam and Balak make a few more stops. Balak hopes each place is just right for Balaam to do his magic act and smite all the Israelites. God reminds Balaam not to kill the chosen people. Finally they reach Jeshimon which is the perfect spot to sacrifice seven bulls and seven rams. God loves that.

Numbers 21

I apologize for the delay. What's holding this process up is the bible itself. It SUCKS, people. No wonder so few people read it. To try to get things moving again, I'm going to post about the next chapter tonight if it kills me. And now on with our story.

We begin Numbers 21 with the news that a Canaanite king has fought off approaching Israelites and taken some as prisoners. The Israelites turn to God -- if you will return our people to us, then we will utterly destroy the Canaanite cities. God, recognizing a good deal when he sees one, hearkens unto the voice of Israel. And they called the place Hormah.

The chosen people continue on by way of the Red Sea to Edom. Forgetting that God struck down 15,000 people a few chapters back, these morons start bitching and moaning. "And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died." Will these people never learn? I guess God has a change of heart because he instructs Moses to build a magic brass rod shaped like a serpent. People who have been bitten and aren't already dead can gaze upon the magic rod and be healed.

Numbers 21 outlines the cities they pass through on their journey. It's pretty much the path you'd expect -- Oboth to Zared to the brooks of Arnon to the border of Moab. And thence they went to Beer where the princes digged a well. Then from Mattanah to Nahaliel to Bamoth. When they get to Sihon, they ask the Amorite king if they can kindly pass through his land. He says no so the Israelites kill a bunch of people and take the land. "Thus Israel dwelt in the land of the Amorites."

Then it's on to Jaazer where Moses and company kill everyone and take their land. It's God's will.

Exodus 7-11

These chapters were brutal to get through, and you should thank me for summarizing it in the following manner.

• Moses: Let me people go!  Pharaoh: Nah, I think I'll keep them.
• To prove God's power, Egypt is subjected to a plague of:

1. Turning the river to blood and killing all the fish. The local magicians re-create the same plague.
2. Smiting the land with frogs. The magicians pull this stunt too. Note: It would have been more useful to make all the frogs disappear.
3. Afflicting every creature with lice. The magicians are powerless to keep up. Obviously only a real god can do this one!
4. Creating swarms of flies that completely destroy the land.
5. Killing all the Egyptian livestock.
6. Making boils appear on all men and livestock (which were killed one plague ago).
7. Raining forth a storm of hail and fire that kills everything that somehow survived previous plagues.
8. Covering the land with locusts that eat everything that's left.
9. Blanketing everything with darkness so dark you can feel it (ooh! scary!), and yet providing light for the Hebrew houses. Because that's how light works. You can totally partition it off between houses.
10. Sending God around Egypt at midnight to kill all firstborn sons of Egyptians and their slaves as well as the firstborn sons of all the livestock that no longer exist (see plagues 5, 7 and 8).

• Pharaoh, stunned by the severity of the plague, relents. OK, your people can go.
• An act of magic ends the plague.
• After a moment of reprieve, Pharaoh changes his mind. Actually God changes Pharaoh's mind for him by hardening his heart. Dick.
• ** Return to first list item above and read through the list again, selecting the next plague in the list. Lather, rinse, repeat. **

Each plague is very obviously nonsense, but let's pretend it's real and look at other elements of this story. God causes Pharaoh to change his mind. What is the point? Are we chess pieces or puppets? What about free will? And if the point is to prove he's the all powerful god, why not visibly appear to everyone instead of only in secret to Moses? Why don't the Egyptians who survive a given plague rise up and kill Pharaoh when they realize he's the a-hole who's extending this whole mess? And what is up with magicians who can recreate the first few plagues? Even if you buy the notion that God is behind all these other plagues, shouldn't the magicians be your clue this story might not be true?

This story needs to start sucking less. I'm getting fussy.

Exodus 3-4

As Moses leads his father-in-law Jethro's flock, he happens upon a burning bush somehow not consumed by the fire. An angel of the Lord appears in the flames and talks to him. When Moses answers, God pipes up. The angel is kind of like a secretary. Please hold for God on line 2. God wants to free his people from oppression. He'd like them to reside in the land of milk and honey (hey, another familiar phrase) and return to the land of the Canaanites (also the land of Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites, but I'm calling it Canaan unless it becomes evident I should call it something else). Recall Canaan is also Noah's grandson, who was forever enslaved because his dad saw his grandpa naked. Say what?

Moses learns he will be instrumental in getting the chosen people out of Egypt. He is nervous about dealing with Pharaoh, but God says he'll be there alongside him. You just won't see or hear him. Moses will tell the Hebrews the god of their fathers has sent him, but how will he respond when they ask who that is? How will Moses answer a stumper like that? God responds, "I AM THAT I AM." Why can't he just say the god who sent him is God, as in THE God?

God gives Moses the ability to perform magic tricks and gives him a magic staff. Moses is still hesitant and says he is a poor speaker. God is getting pretty pissed off with the excuses and says to drag his brother Aaron along. God will do the talking through him. Here's an idea. Why doesn't God just visibly appear to everyone instead? It's the same kinda deal with people who talk to God today, so at least God is consistent I suppose. The guy is really fond of secret one-on-ones.

Moses finds Jethro sitting on a park bench, eyeing little girls with bad intent. Snot is running down his nose, greasy fingers smearing shabby clothes. Drying in the cold sun, and watching as the frilly panties run. Feeling like a dead duck, spitting out pieces of his broken luuuuuck. Jethro tells Moses to go in peace, so he does. Recall Moses fled Egypt after killing someone. Well, God has seen to it that those who were after him are dead now. I guess it pays to be one of the chosen people.

God is going to tinker with Pharaoh's brain so he will not set the Hebrews free, no matter how many magic tricks Moses performs. He's going to "harden his heart." I wonder if he's gonna swallow his tears too.

The topic of killing of firstborn sons is back in the picture. Moses has an infant son whom God is ready to murder. Zipporah, Moses' old lady, circumcises the baby with a sharp stone (wha??). She throws the foreskin at Moses' feet and says, "a bloody husband thou art to me." God is suitably impressed and doesn't kill anyone. Outpatient surgery with a dusty rock on an infant's penis. Ummmkay.

Moses meets up with Aaron and the elder Israelites and gives them the lowdown on the magic tricks and whatnot. They believe everything without question. They just know good times are ahead.