Genesis 9

God establishes a covenant with Noah and sons. He will not flood the earth again, and a rainbow will serve as a reminder to God of that promise. I guess he can be forgetful.

Noah plants a vineyard, drinks wine and gets plastered. He then passes out naked in a tent. Hey, we've all been there; don't judge. Did Noah understand that wine could make him drunk or what that even meant? Anyway, Noah's son Ham walks into the tent and sees his naked, passed-out dad. He tells his brothers Shem and Japheth, who cover their naked father. They walk into the tent backwards so they don't see Noah's junk.

When Noah awakes, he magically knows that Ham has seen him naked and ratted him out to his brothers. This ticks off Noah and he curses Ham's son Canaan to be a slave of Shem and Japheth.

Let me get this straight. Noah, the only one whose family is worth saving according to God, is a drunkard (not that there's anything wrong with that). And the problem is not that he passes out naked and drunk, the problem is that someone saw him. And that guy's son is on the hook for it. Slavery is mentioned like it's no big whoop.

The chapter ends with Noah's death at 950 years.

In a few short chapters, we've seen several familiar Sunday School stories - creation, the serpent and the apple, the fall from grace, Noah's ark. Can't you just picture a children's coloring book about Noah's ark ending with the rainbow and God's promise? In the very same chapter, we get drunkenness, nakedness, slavery and impossibly old people.

When adults gather for a bible study, are totally fucked up stories like this one ever included? I listened to a Christian podcast about Genesis Chapter 9, just to hear how crazy shit like this is presented. Thirty of the 40 minutes were spent on God's covenant to us. He promised to never drown us all again. Isn't that wonderful? Isn't he just the best? Noah's drunken revelry is evidence that man is still sinful after this brand new start following the flood. Where does it say getting drunk is a sin? Is it "wicked" (which so far has not been specifically described)? We just know that whatever "wicked" is, it is VERY bad. But best of all, the podcast glossed over the whole slavery thing. Oh, Canaan's going to be a "servant", no biggie... What?