The Israelites are joyful and triumphant now that Pharaoh's finest are dead at the bottom of the Red Sea. The Lord hath dashed the enemy into pieces. Hooray! They break out in song, and the ladies dance with tambourines.
Moses and company continue their travels, and after three days in the wilderness they find themselves without water. They discover water in Marah but darn the luck, it is too bitter to drink. The people complain and cry. God tells Moses to throw a tree in the water which as any idiot knows makes the water sweet. Problem solved.
They travel on and run out of food. The people complain some more. God and Moses talk some more. God makes it rain manna, a type of bread (unleavened, of course). There are rules for how much to collect and on what days. The Hebrews can't keep the rules straight and God gets pissy. They get it all straightened out, and the people eat manna for their entire 40 year journey to Canaan. Why is it taking so long to get there?
The next place they set up camp has no water. Sigh... this again. The people moan and groan. This time God tells Moses to strike a rock and water will come out. This isn't good enough for the Hebrews. They ask, "is the LORD among us, or not?" These people have seen thousands upon thousands of people murdered for no reason other than being born in the wrong place, and they know Moses is the only reason they've made it this far, yet they take every opportunity to bitch.
A battle breaks out with some people led by a fellow named Amalek. The Hebrews are led by Joshua, who is mentioned as though we've known him all along. Moses, Aaron and Hur watch the fight from a hilltop. "And it came to pass, when Moses held up his hand, that Israel prevailed: and when he let down his hand, Amalek prevailed." Moses' arms get tired so Aaron and Hur hold them up for him. I couldn't make this shit up, folks. Take a big guess which side wins. Right.
Moses builds an altar, and calls the name of it Jehovahnissi. Good choice.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
Exodus 13-14
We begin today's reading with a recap on the numerous rules for eating bread. We also learn that Hebrews are to sanctify their firstborn sons and beasts to God. Apparently that means they are more special or something. Because, again, we are so thankful that when God slaughtered all those people, he spared us because we slaughtered a lamb. And because we're extra special for no apparent reason.
And it came to pass that Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt by way of the Red Sea. No one had time to pack the yeast before they hit the road, so they are stuck with unleavened bread for the trip. God seems to hate leavened bread though, so I think this works out. Moses has enough spare time to locate and dig up Joseph's bones so he can carry them to Canaan. Nothing odd about that.
The exodus from Egypt begins, and God takes the form of a pillar of cloud to guide them by day, and a pillar of fire to guide them by night. Recall Jacob's kin made this trek between Egypt and Canaan many times, but Moses' group apparently has a poor sense of direction. Although with a party of 600,000+, a pillar of fire might be a practical thing to take along.
The Lord hardens Pharaoh's heart yet again and has him decide he doesn't want to free the Hebrews after all. WTF. Pharaoh leads a group of 600 chariots to overtake Moses and gang. Because 600 chariots and crew can overtake 600,000+ people whose leader has already slaughtered them 10 times over. Right. And here's an idea - why doesn't God just murder everyone like he did with good old Er and Onan. Why all the games? Well, God repeatedly says he wants his presence to be known - remember this next time someone says God can't make himself visible to us because it's all about faith, and blah blah blah.
We've reached another scene that everyone knows. Moses parts the Red Sea so his folks can scamper across and get away from the moronic Egyptians who just keep coming back for more. Pharaoh and crew follow, and as you well know, the wall of water crashes down on them. "There remained not so much as one of them." Wouldn't there be a historical record of all the king's finest crew and horses drowning in 600 chariots?
"And Israel saw that great work which the LORD did upon the Egyptians: and the people feared the LORD, and believed the LORD, and his servant Moses." Yeah, great work, God. Way to murder everyone.
And it came to pass that Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt by way of the Red Sea. No one had time to pack the yeast before they hit the road, so they are stuck with unleavened bread for the trip. God seems to hate leavened bread though, so I think this works out. Moses has enough spare time to locate and dig up Joseph's bones so he can carry them to Canaan. Nothing odd about that.
The exodus from Egypt begins, and God takes the form of a pillar of cloud to guide them by day, and a pillar of fire to guide them by night. Recall Jacob's kin made this trek between Egypt and Canaan many times, but Moses' group apparently has a poor sense of direction. Although with a party of 600,000+, a pillar of fire might be a practical thing to take along.
The Lord hardens Pharaoh's heart yet again and has him decide he doesn't want to free the Hebrews after all. WTF. Pharaoh leads a group of 600 chariots to overtake Moses and gang. Because 600 chariots and crew can overtake 600,000+ people whose leader has already slaughtered them 10 times over. Right. And here's an idea - why doesn't God just murder everyone like he did with good old Er and Onan. Why all the games? Well, God repeatedly says he wants his presence to be known - remember this next time someone says God can't make himself visible to us because it's all about faith, and blah blah blah.
We've reached another scene that everyone knows. Moses parts the Red Sea so his folks can scamper across and get away from the moronic Egyptians who just keep coming back for more. Pharaoh and crew follow, and as you well know, the wall of water crashes down on them. "There remained not so much as one of them." Wouldn't there be a historical record of all the king's finest crew and horses drowning in 600 chariots?
"And Israel saw that great work which the LORD did upon the Egyptians: and the people feared the LORD, and believed the LORD, and his servant Moses." Yeah, great work, God. Way to murder everyone.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Exodus 12
Chapter 11 ended with the description of the 10th plague. Show of hands - who knew the 10th plague is actually Passover? Yes, that Passover. The Jewish holiday you don't particularly understand. Well, prepare to be dazzled. God has outdone himself on this one.
Chapter 12 explains the rules of Passover, when God passes over the houses of the Hebrews and murders the firstborn son and beast of the Egyptians. Something to celebrate, no?
So God does all the planned murdering, and Pharaoh has finally had enough. He tells Moses to get his people out of Egypt. "The Egyptians were forcing the people on, to get them out of the land quickly; for they said, We are all dead men." No kidding. How are there any Egyptians left? And haven't the livestock been killed several times over by now? God tinkers with Egyptian minds so they look on the Hebrews with favor and hand over their silver and gold. That is just rude. Christ. I mean God.
And it came to pass that the Lord led 600,000+ Israelites out of Egypt. They are in too big of a hurry to pack the yeast so it's all unleavened bread for the journey. God tells them not to share their bread with anyone along the way who is uncircumcised.
Chapter 12 explains the rules of Passover, when God passes over the houses of the Hebrews and murders the firstborn son and beast of the Egyptians. Something to celebrate, no?
- On the tenth day of the first month of the year, get a young unblemished male lamb. Hold it until the 14th day, then slaughter it at dusk.
- Smudge some of the lamb's blood on the sides and top of the door. This will let God know where the chosen people are (shouldn't he know?).
- Bake the lamb with its head, legs and innards. This should go without saying but do NOT boil it.
- Eat all you can and burn the rest by sunrise.
- Make sure you're wearing your shoes. Holding a stick is also recommended.
- During the night, God will kill all the Egyptian firstborn men and beast. It seems he does this simultaneously, unlike Santa Claus' nighttime routine where he visits houses one by one. God is just that powerful.
- From the first through the seventh days, eat unleavened bread. So is this just bread without yeast? Am I missing something? If you eat Wonderbread between the first and seventh days, you are cut off from Israel forever.
- On the first and seventh days, hold holy meetings and don't work.
- From the 14th through the 21st day, same deal on the bread. If Wonderbread is even in the house, you're out of the tribe.
- Slaves and house guests can take part in Passover rituals, provided they are circumcised.
So God does all the planned murdering, and Pharaoh has finally had enough. He tells Moses to get his people out of Egypt. "The Egyptians were forcing the people on, to get them out of the land quickly; for they said, We are all dead men." No kidding. How are there any Egyptians left? And haven't the livestock been killed several times over by now? God tinkers with Egyptian minds so they look on the Hebrews with favor and hand over their silver and gold. That is just rude. Christ. I mean God.
And it came to pass that the Lord led 600,000+ Israelites out of Egypt. They are in too big of a hurry to pack the yeast so it's all unleavened bread for the journey. God tells them not to share their bread with anyone along the way who is uncircumcised.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Exodus 7-11
These chapters were brutal to get through, and you should thank me for summarizing it in the following manner.
This story needs to start sucking less. I'm getting fussy.
- Moses: Let me people go! Pharaoh: Nah, I think I'll keep them.
- To prove God's power, Egypt is subjected to a plague of:
- Turning the river to blood and killing all the fish. The local magicians re-create the same plague.
- Smiting the land with frogs. The magicians pull this stunt too. Note: It would have been more useful to make all the frogs disappear.
- Afflicting every creature with lice. The magicians are powerless to keep up. Obviously only a real god can do this one!
- Creating swarms of flies that completely destroy the land.
- Killing all the Egyptian livestock.
- Making boils appear on all men and livestock (which were killed one plague ago).
- Raining forth a storm of hail and fire that kills everything that somehow survived previous plagues.
- Covering the land with locusts that eat everything that's left.
- Blanketing everything with darkness so dark you can feel it (ooh! scary!), and yet providing light for the Hebrew houses. Because that's how light works. You can totally partition it off between houses.
- Sending God around Egypt at midnight to kill all firstborn sons of Egyptians and their slaves as well as the firstborn sons of all the livestock that no longer exist (see plagues 5, 7 and 8).
- Pharaoh, stunned by the severity of the plague, relents. OK, your people can go.
- An act of magic ends the plague.
- After a moment of reprieve, Pharaoh changes his mind. Actually God changes Pharaoh's mind for him by hardening his heart. Dick.
- ** Return to first list item above and read through the list again, selecting the next plague in the list. Lather, rinse, repeat. **
This story needs to start sucking less. I'm getting fussy.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Exodus 5-6
Take a guess what bubbled up to the surface as I read Exodus Chapter 5. Sunday school memories? Religion class in high school? Lessons from CCD? No, no and no. My first thought was Nervous Night, the Hooters' cassette tape I played the crap out of in junior high. Holy Moses met the Pharaoh. Yeah, he tried to set him straight. Looked him in the eye. Said let my people go! ... All you zombies, show your faces, all you people in the street. All you sitting in high places, the rain's gonna fall on you.
And we danced, like a wave on the ocean, romanced. Had I known Exodus was so good to rock out to, I would have read it a long time ago. Nothing lasts forever, only fades away. Day by dayyyy.
Just like the Hooters taught us, Moses tells Pharaoh to let his people go. Pharaoh says, bitch please. And with that, it's on. Pharaoh's first little stunt is to withhold straw from the Hebrew slaves yet demand they make just as many bricks. Apparently straw is a key supply. There are beatings when the brick production slows down.
Moses informs God his initial convo with Pharaoh didn't go so well. God responds, "I am the LORD" (I like how he yells some words) and reveals he is also named Jehovah. A nickname, I suppose. God says the groaning of the Israelites reminded him of his covenant with Abraham. I guess he was a little out of it while things got out of control in Egypt. And now Moses is his go-to guy to return these folks to Canaan. God tells Moses to get back in the game, man.
God runs through the list of Abraham's descendants, and tells Moses to repeat the whole thing to Pharaoh. Moses is concerned about his uncircumcised lips, which according to other versions of the bible means his unskilled speech. How you get from A to B on this one is beyond me.
And we danced, like a wave on the ocean, romanced. Had I known Exodus was so good to rock out to, I would have read it a long time ago. Nothing lasts forever, only fades away. Day by dayyyy.
Just like the Hooters taught us, Moses tells Pharaoh to let his people go. Pharaoh says, bitch please. And with that, it's on. Pharaoh's first little stunt is to withhold straw from the Hebrew slaves yet demand they make just as many bricks. Apparently straw is a key supply. There are beatings when the brick production slows down.
Moses informs God his initial convo with Pharaoh didn't go so well. God responds, "I am the LORD" (I like how he yells some words) and reveals he is also named Jehovah. A nickname, I suppose. God says the groaning of the Israelites reminded him of his covenant with Abraham. I guess he was a little out of it while things got out of control in Egypt. And now Moses is his go-to guy to return these folks to Canaan. God tells Moses to get back in the game, man.
God runs through the list of Abraham's descendants, and tells Moses to repeat the whole thing to Pharaoh. Moses is concerned about his uncircumcised lips, which according to other versions of the bible means his unskilled speech. How you get from A to B on this one is beyond me.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Exodus 3-4
As Moses leads his father-in-law Jethro's flock, he happens upon a burning bush somehow not consumed by the fire. An angel of the Lord appears in the flames and talks to him. When Moses answers, God pipes up. The angel is kind of like a secretary. Please hold for God on line 2. God wants to free his people from oppression. He'd like them to reside in the land of milk and honey (hey, another familiar phrase) and return to the land of the Canaanites (also the land of Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites, but I'm calling it Canaan unless it becomes evident I should call it something else). Recall Canaan is also Noah's grandson, who was forever enslaved because his dad saw his grandpa naked. Say what?
Moses learns he will be instrumental in getting the chosen people out of Egypt. He is nervous about dealing with Pharaoh, but God says he'll be there alongside him. You just won't see or hear him. Moses will tell the Hebrews the god of their fathers has sent him, but how will he respond when they ask who that is? How will Moses answer a stumper like that? God responds, "I AM THAT I AM." Why can't he just say the god who sent him is God, as in THE God?
God gives Moses the ability to perform magic tricks and gives him a magic staff. Moses is still hesitant and says he is a poor speaker. God is getting pretty pissed off with the excuses and says to drag his brother Aaron along. God will do the talking through him. Here's an idea. Why doesn't God just visibly appear to everyone instead? It's the same kinda deal with people who talk to God today, so at least God is consistent I suppose. The guy is really fond of secret one-on-ones.
Moses finds Jethro sitting on a park bench, eyeing little girls with bad intent. Snot is running down his nose, greasy fingers smearing shabby clothes. Drying in the cold sun, and watching as the frilly panties run. Feeling like a dead duck, spitting out pieces of his broken luuuuuck. Jethro tells Moses to go in peace, so he does. Recall Moses fled Egypt after killing someone. Well, God has seen to it that those who were after him are dead now. I guess it pays to be one of the chosen people.
God is going to tinker with Pharaoh's brain so he will not set the Hebrews free, no matter how many magic tricks Moses performs. He's going to "harden his heart." I wonder if he's gonna swallow his tears too.
The topic of killing of firstborn sons is back in the picture. Moses has an infant son whom God is ready to murder. Zipporah, Moses' old lady, circumcises the baby with a sharp stone (wha??). She throws the foreskin at Moses' feet and says, "a bloody husband thou art to me." God is suitably impressed and doesn't kill anyone. Outpatient surgery with a dusty rock on an infant's penis. Ummmkay.
Moses meets up with Aaron and the elder Israelites and gives them the lowdown on the magic tricks and whatnot. They believe everything without question. They just know good times are ahead.
Moses learns he will be instrumental in getting the chosen people out of Egypt. He is nervous about dealing with Pharaoh, but God says he'll be there alongside him. You just won't see or hear him. Moses will tell the Hebrews the god of their fathers has sent him, but how will he respond when they ask who that is? How will Moses answer a stumper like that? God responds, "I AM THAT I AM." Why can't he just say the god who sent him is God, as in THE God?
God gives Moses the ability to perform magic tricks and gives him a magic staff. Moses is still hesitant and says he is a poor speaker. God is getting pretty pissed off with the excuses and says to drag his brother Aaron along. God will do the talking through him. Here's an idea. Why doesn't God just visibly appear to everyone instead? It's the same kinda deal with people who talk to God today, so at least God is consistent I suppose. The guy is really fond of secret one-on-ones.
Moses finds Jethro sitting on a park bench, eyeing little girls with bad intent. Snot is running down his nose, greasy fingers smearing shabby clothes. Drying in the cold sun, and watching as the frilly panties run. Feeling like a dead duck, spitting out pieces of his broken luuuuuck. Jethro tells Moses to go in peace, so he does. Recall Moses fled Egypt after killing someone. Well, God has seen to it that those who were after him are dead now. I guess it pays to be one of the chosen people.
God is going to tinker with Pharaoh's brain so he will not set the Hebrews free, no matter how many magic tricks Moses performs. He's going to "harden his heart." I wonder if he's gonna swallow his tears too.
The topic of killing of firstborn sons is back in the picture. Moses has an infant son whom God is ready to murder. Zipporah, Moses' old lady, circumcises the baby with a sharp stone (wha??). She throws the foreskin at Moses' feet and says, "a bloody husband thou art to me." God is suitably impressed and doesn't kill anyone. Outpatient surgery with a dusty rock on an infant's penis. Ummmkay.
Moses meets up with Aaron and the elder Israelites and gives them the lowdown on the magic tricks and whatnot. They believe everything without question. They just know good times are ahead.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Exodus 1-2
The days of Genesis are long behind us. Jacob's children, the 12 tribes of Israel, are dead and gone. Their descendants are very fertile and have "waxed exceedingly mighty" in Egypt.
A new Pharaoh takes the helm and is concerned the Israelites are a little too plentiful and strong. It isn't clear how he can tell Egyptians from Hebrews. Does he look for the circumcised? This wouldn't include the gals though. Or maybe it's skin color/racism? Somehow he knows who the Hebrews are and enslaves them. Makes sense. The Egyptians work them extra hard, yet they keep multiplying with wild abandon. Pharaoh has had enough so he instructs the Hebrew midwives to kill male Hebrew newborns. The midwives are too God fearing to do so, and God rewards them with houses. Good choice. He also makes Jacob's people extra, extra fertile. Take that, Pharaoh. Then Pharaoh extends his order to everyone in Egypt: "Every son that is born ye shall cast into the river, and every daughter ye shall save alive." This is some sinister stuff. It also makes zero sense.
The Hebrew babe we will later know as Moses is born. His mom can tell he is a goodly child, and it takes her three months to dump him in the Nile. She builds him a little ark of bulrushes, so technically she is meeting Pharaoh's demands, and yet the wee one has a chance of survival. Provided the elements don't get him first. Or wild animals. Or a leaky ark. Or hypothermia. Or starvation.
Pharaoh's daughter finds the baby. Wouldn't there be lots of babies in the water? This is a horrifying image. Or is Moses' mom the only one who complied? Or has only one baby been born? The lady feels sorry for him and selects a wet nurse from the nearby Hebrew slaves. And wouldn't you know, it's Moses' mom! She weans him and hands him over to Pharaoh's daughter to raise. How did she then get rid of Moses' birth mom, and how did she swing bringing a Hebrew kid into the family without Pharaoh knowing?
One verse later, Moses is a grown man. He somehow knows he is an Israelite. He sees an Egyptian beating an enslaved Hebrew and something in him snaps. He murders the Egyptian, then high tails it to Midian to hide. He finds a girl there to marry. She conceives (a son, of course) and they name the baby Gershom, "for he said, I have been a stranger in a strange land." I like finding familiar phrases like this as a I read along. I have to wonder though - how did we pluck a little nugget like this and somehow get past/ignore the ludicrous story where it appears?
OK so the stupid Pharaoh dies. The enslaved Israelites groan and wail loud enough for God to hear. Apparently he's been out to lunch this whole time. He takes notice and is concerned. Because slavery is evil and wrong? Why, no. Because the Hebrews are the descendants of Abraham. And that causes God to remember his little old covenant with Abraham. Hope everyone is circumcised.
A new Pharaoh takes the helm and is concerned the Israelites are a little too plentiful and strong. It isn't clear how he can tell Egyptians from Hebrews. Does he look for the circumcised? This wouldn't include the gals though. Or maybe it's skin color/racism? Somehow he knows who the Hebrews are and enslaves them. Makes sense. The Egyptians work them extra hard, yet they keep multiplying with wild abandon. Pharaoh has had enough so he instructs the Hebrew midwives to kill male Hebrew newborns. The midwives are too God fearing to do so, and God rewards them with houses. Good choice. He also makes Jacob's people extra, extra fertile. Take that, Pharaoh. Then Pharaoh extends his order to everyone in Egypt: "Every son that is born ye shall cast into the river, and every daughter ye shall save alive." This is some sinister stuff. It also makes zero sense.
The Hebrew babe we will later know as Moses is born. His mom can tell he is a goodly child, and it takes her three months to dump him in the Nile. She builds him a little ark of bulrushes, so technically she is meeting Pharaoh's demands, and yet the wee one has a chance of survival. Provided the elements don't get him first. Or wild animals. Or a leaky ark. Or hypothermia. Or starvation.
Pharaoh's daughter finds the baby. Wouldn't there be lots of babies in the water? This is a horrifying image. Or is Moses' mom the only one who complied? Or has only one baby been born? The lady feels sorry for him and selects a wet nurse from the nearby Hebrew slaves. And wouldn't you know, it's Moses' mom! She weans him and hands him over to Pharaoh's daughter to raise. How did she then get rid of Moses' birth mom, and how did she swing bringing a Hebrew kid into the family without Pharaoh knowing?
One verse later, Moses is a grown man. He somehow knows he is an Israelite. He sees an Egyptian beating an enslaved Hebrew and something in him snaps. He murders the Egyptian, then high tails it to Midian to hide. He finds a girl there to marry. She conceives (a son, of course) and they name the baby Gershom, "for he said, I have been a stranger in a strange land." I like finding familiar phrases like this as a I read along. I have to wonder though - how did we pluck a little nugget like this and somehow get past/ignore the ludicrous story where it appears?
OK so the stupid Pharaoh dies. The enslaved Israelites groan and wail loud enough for God to hear. Apparently he's been out to lunch this whole time. He takes notice and is concerned. Because slavery is evil and wrong? Why, no. Because the Hebrews are the descendants of Abraham. And that causes God to remember his little old covenant with Abraham. Hope everyone is circumcised.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Thoughts on Genesis
One book down, sixty five to go.
I'm surprised how much of Genesis was familiar to me, considering I'd never read the entire book before. So has anyone read this but me? It's ridiculous. Seriously. I feel like the kid in The Emperor's New Clothes.
It's alarming how much influence the bible has over modern society. Take the creation myth. It spans two simpleton chapters. Is this really what creationists and intelligent design folks look to as proof of how we got here? I don't know how our story began either, but that doesn't mean God did it. The fact we don't know something is not proof that God did it. And I don't have to prove he *didn't* do it. In fact, I can't; the burden of proof is on the side making the claim. I also can't prove Jupiter is not full of cotton candy. If you think it is in fact full of cotton candy, it's on you to provide the evidence. I'm not wicked or immoral if I don't believe it. Same concept.
Abraham and his kin are nothing special. Actually they often act horribly, and yet they're the chosen people. Was circumcision, the symbol of their covenant with God, a new concept when the bible was written? If yes, why on earth would you agree to it as a token of your agreement with God or anyone else? Wouldn't you back away in horror instead? And if circumcision was known to the bible authors, weren't they simply writing about something they understood?
The bible is pretty plainly a product of its time. Rainbows weren't understood so they were described as God's cute little reminders to himself. We now have a straight forward scientific explanation for rainbows. This is one simple thing you can write off in the bible. If you dismiss this one thing as silliness, how do you buy the rest of it? If you also dismiss a talking snake, impossibly old people and Lot's wife turning into a pillar of salt, where do you draw the line on what is "real" and what is not? OK, so maybe you write off the obvious baloney and hold up the bible as the ultimate reference for how we should behave. Well what about slavery, women as property, murder, rape, burning people alive, animal sacrifice and lots of other behavior that simply cannot be defended as moral?
I didn't find one good takeaway from the entire book of Genesis. On to Exodus.
I'm surprised how much of Genesis was familiar to me, considering I'd never read the entire book before. So has anyone read this but me? It's ridiculous. Seriously. I feel like the kid in The Emperor's New Clothes.
It's alarming how much influence the bible has over modern society. Take the creation myth. It spans two simpleton chapters. Is this really what creationists and intelligent design folks look to as proof of how we got here? I don't know how our story began either, but that doesn't mean God did it. The fact we don't know something is not proof that God did it. And I don't have to prove he *didn't* do it. In fact, I can't; the burden of proof is on the side making the claim. I also can't prove Jupiter is not full of cotton candy. If you think it is in fact full of cotton candy, it's on you to provide the evidence. I'm not wicked or immoral if I don't believe it. Same concept.
Abraham and his kin are nothing special. Actually they often act horribly, and yet they're the chosen people. Was circumcision, the symbol of their covenant with God, a new concept when the bible was written? If yes, why on earth would you agree to it as a token of your agreement with God or anyone else? Wouldn't you back away in horror instead? And if circumcision was known to the bible authors, weren't they simply writing about something they understood?
The bible is pretty plainly a product of its time. Rainbows weren't understood so they were described as God's cute little reminders to himself. We now have a straight forward scientific explanation for rainbows. This is one simple thing you can write off in the bible. If you dismiss this one thing as silliness, how do you buy the rest of it? If you also dismiss a talking snake, impossibly old people and Lot's wife turning into a pillar of salt, where do you draw the line on what is "real" and what is not? OK, so maybe you write off the obvious baloney and hold up the bible as the ultimate reference for how we should behave. Well what about slavery, women as property, murder, rape, burning people alive, animal sacrifice and lots of other behavior that simply cannot be defended as moral?
I didn't find one good takeaway from the entire book of Genesis. On to Exodus.
Genesis 46-50
We begin Chapter 46 with an animal sacrifice. God likes those. He promises to protect Jacob and the gang as they journey to Egypt. Jacob's descendants are named in agonizing detail. These sort of verses are taxing just to skim. A sampling: "And the sons of Benjamin were Belah, and Becher, and Ashbel, Gera, and Naaman, Ehi, and Rosh, Muppim, and Huppim, and Ard." zzzzz
And it came to pass the threescore and ten souls of Jacob, which came out of his loins, arrive in Egypt. Father and son finally meet again. They fall upon each other's neck and weep.
Joseph's family tells Pharoah of the terrible famine back in Canaan and asks if they can stay in Egypt. The famine is still underway in Egypt, but whatever. Pharoah approves their stay, and Joseph gets them all set up with the best of the land.
Joseph ends up with all the money, all the land, all the livestock in Egypt. Well, except for the land of the priests (huh?). Locals pay Joseph for the food they grew in the first place. Seems fair. Joe enacts a law where 20% of everything Egyptians grow will be a tax given to the Pharoah. He gets to make laws now evidently. So the Egyptians survive the famine, but it's no picnic being them. Meanwhile, Joe's carpet bagger family is rich and continues to crank out babies. Hey, they're the chosen people.
At 147 years of age, Jacob is near death. He asks Joseph to bury him in Canaan with Abraham, Sarah, Isaac and the sister wives Rebekah and Leah. Joseph promises by putting his hand under his dad's thigh (and where would that be?). Jacob blesses Joseph's sons, Manasseh and Ephraim. He puts his left hand on Manasseh (the first born) which is all wrong. Joseph tries to get his dad to put his right hand on the older son. How can the blessing work if his hands are mixed up? Jacob insists the younger will be greater than the older and his seed shall be a multitude of nations.
Jacob gathers all his sons and says a little something to each of these twelve tribes of Israel. Of course Joseph is the most blessed. Jacob does speak to the murderous acts of Simeon and Levi. He solves that little dilemma by scattering their descendants around Israel. Glad we got that addressed. Let's see. Judah is a lion's whelp, his ass's colt unto the vine. His teeth be white with milk. Issachar is a strong ass couching down between two burdens. Dan shall biteth the horse heels. Blah blah blah, and Jacob dies. Finally.
The Eygptians mourn for threescore and ten days. Why? What has this guy done for them except hog all the good stuff? Joe and his descendants and a few of Pharoah's slaves haul the body to Canaan and bury it. Then they return to Egypt. They do a hell of a lot of traveling between Canaan and Egypt.
Now that Jacob is dead, the brothers fear Joe will requite them all the evil which they did unto him. To his credit, Joseph doesn't. He tells his brethren God has promised them the land of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. The chosen people. The promised land.
Joe gives up the ghost at the age of 110 and is put in a coffin in Egypt. It was a good ride, old man.
And it came to pass the threescore and ten souls of Jacob, which came out of his loins, arrive in Egypt. Father and son finally meet again. They fall upon each other's neck and weep.
Joseph's family tells Pharoah of the terrible famine back in Canaan and asks if they can stay in Egypt. The famine is still underway in Egypt, but whatever. Pharoah approves their stay, and Joseph gets them all set up with the best of the land.
Joseph ends up with all the money, all the land, all the livestock in Egypt. Well, except for the land of the priests (huh?). Locals pay Joseph for the food they grew in the first place. Seems fair. Joe enacts a law where 20% of everything Egyptians grow will be a tax given to the Pharoah. He gets to make laws now evidently. So the Egyptians survive the famine, but it's no picnic being them. Meanwhile, Joe's carpet bagger family is rich and continues to crank out babies. Hey, they're the chosen people.
At 147 years of age, Jacob is near death. He asks Joseph to bury him in Canaan with Abraham, Sarah, Isaac and the sister wives Rebekah and Leah. Joseph promises by putting his hand under his dad's thigh (and where would that be?). Jacob blesses Joseph's sons, Manasseh and Ephraim. He puts his left hand on Manasseh (the first born) which is all wrong. Joseph tries to get his dad to put his right hand on the older son. How can the blessing work if his hands are mixed up? Jacob insists the younger will be greater than the older and his seed shall be a multitude of nations.
Jacob gathers all his sons and says a little something to each of these twelve tribes of Israel. Of course Joseph is the most blessed. Jacob does speak to the murderous acts of Simeon and Levi. He solves that little dilemma by scattering their descendants around Israel. Glad we got that addressed. Let's see. Judah is a lion's whelp, his ass's colt unto the vine. His teeth be white with milk. Issachar is a strong ass couching down between two burdens. Dan shall biteth the horse heels. Blah blah blah, and Jacob dies. Finally.
The Eygptians mourn for threescore and ten days. Why? What has this guy done for them except hog all the good stuff? Joe and his descendants and a few of Pharoah's slaves haul the body to Canaan and bury it. Then they return to Egypt. They do a hell of a lot of traveling between Canaan and Egypt.
Now that Jacob is dead, the brothers fear Joe will requite them all the evil which they did unto him. To his credit, Joseph doesn't. He tells his brethren God has promised them the land of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. The chosen people. The promised land.
Joe gives up the ghost at the age of 110 and is put in a coffin in Egypt. It was a good ride, old man.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Genesis 42-45
Ten of Joseph's brothers head to Egypt. Benjamin stays with Daddy who wants one son safe at home if tragedy befalls the others during their travels.
Joe recognizes his brothers but they don't know who he is. He returns to his jackass habits of the past and toys with them quite a bit. He puts them in jail for three days, then decides to send all but Simeon home to retrieve the missing brother. He says this will prove they are not spies. While Simeon is tied up, the others haul some corn home. They freak out when they realize their corn sacks contain money that isn't theirs.
Jacob is unhappy when informed of the need to take Benjamin to Egypt. Reuben replies, hey if I don't return Ben and Simeon safe and sound, you can kill my two sons. A tit-for-tat kind of deal. Good thinking. Jacob asks why did you mention Benjamin in the first place? Why couldn't you be liars like me? But alas, they're out of corn and must return to Egypt. And, oh yeah, Simeon is still in jail. I don't feel sorry for him though as he did massacre a bunch of people a few chapters back.
The brothers return with gifts (myrrh and whatnot), money for more corn and the money that was slipped into their corn sacks. Joe tells them to relax about the money, frees Simeon, lets them wash their feet and gives their asses provender. When Joe sees Benjamin, he gets antsy to reveal who he is. "For his bowels did yearn upon his brother." He's so excited he could poop. They have a big feast and marvel upon one another.
Joseph sends the 11 off with more corn and cash, this time slipping a silver cup into Ben's corn bag. He then sends his goons after them and "they speedily took down every man his sack to the ground." Ouch. They find the "stolen" silver cup and haul everyone back before Joseph. Joe threatens to kill Ben, and Judah pleads to take his life instead. This test proves the brothers are reformed and worthy, so he finally tells them who he is. And thank God, because I didn't think this chapter would ever end.
Chapter 45 ties up this little episode nicely. Joseph says if he hadn't been sold into slavery, he couldn't have saved Egypt from famine. God sent him to be a prisoner, so he could become a lord of Egypt. This reasoning could be used to justify some shitty behavior -- sorry I pushed you into slavery but, well, it was God's will.
Hugging and kissing ensues, and everyone weeps upon thy brother's neck. Pharoah and his slaves are very pleased. Slaves love a good family reunion. Pharoah announces all the good of the land of Egypt belongs to Joe's brethren and sends them home with wagons of gifts. Joe's career is well established, so he stays put in Egypt.
When Jacob learns Joseph is alive and well, he pledges to see him again before he dies. That's right, they're going back to Egypt. Again.
Joe recognizes his brothers but they don't know who he is. He returns to his jackass habits of the past and toys with them quite a bit. He puts them in jail for three days, then decides to send all but Simeon home to retrieve the missing brother. He says this will prove they are not spies. While Simeon is tied up, the others haul some corn home. They freak out when they realize their corn sacks contain money that isn't theirs.
Jacob is unhappy when informed of the need to take Benjamin to Egypt. Reuben replies, hey if I don't return Ben and Simeon safe and sound, you can kill my two sons. A tit-for-tat kind of deal. Good thinking. Jacob asks why did you mention Benjamin in the first place? Why couldn't you be liars like me? But alas, they're out of corn and must return to Egypt. And, oh yeah, Simeon is still in jail. I don't feel sorry for him though as he did massacre a bunch of people a few chapters back.
The brothers return with gifts (myrrh and whatnot), money for more corn and the money that was slipped into their corn sacks. Joe tells them to relax about the money, frees Simeon, lets them wash their feet and gives their asses provender. When Joe sees Benjamin, he gets antsy to reveal who he is. "For his bowels did yearn upon his brother." He's so excited he could poop. They have a big feast and marvel upon one another.
Joseph sends the 11 off with more corn and cash, this time slipping a silver cup into Ben's corn bag. He then sends his goons after them and "they speedily took down every man his sack to the ground." Ouch. They find the "stolen" silver cup and haul everyone back before Joseph. Joe threatens to kill Ben, and Judah pleads to take his life instead. This test proves the brothers are reformed and worthy, so he finally tells them who he is. And thank God, because I didn't think this chapter would ever end.
Chapter 45 ties up this little episode nicely. Joseph says if he hadn't been sold into slavery, he couldn't have saved Egypt from famine. God sent him to be a prisoner, so he could become a lord of Egypt. This reasoning could be used to justify some shitty behavior -- sorry I pushed you into slavery but, well, it was God's will.
Hugging and kissing ensues, and everyone weeps upon thy brother's neck. Pharoah and his slaves are very pleased. Slaves love a good family reunion. Pharoah announces all the good of the land of Egypt belongs to Joe's brethren and sends them home with wagons of gifts. Joe's career is well established, so he stays put in Egypt.
When Jacob learns Joseph is alive and well, he pledges to see him again before he dies. That's right, they're going back to Egypt. Again.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Genesis 39-41
Potiphar can see the Lord is with his new slave Joseph (whatever that means) and puts him in charge of the house. Because Joseph is such a goodly person and well favored, God blesses Potiphar's home, crops and possessions.
Potiphar's wife has the hots for Joseph, but he continually refuses her. She gets pretty animated about it and grabs his garment while demanding sex. He flees. She uses the clothing as evidence that the Hebrew servant tried to rape her. Potiphar is very wroth and throws Joe in jail next to Pharoah's butler and baker.
The guard can see the Lord is with Joseph (again, what?) so he puts him in charge of the butler and baker. The prison guard puts a prisoner in charge of the other prisoners. Right. The butler and baker dream some dreams. You can listen to the soundtrack for details. "And Joseph came in unto them in the morning, and looked upon them, and behold, they were sad." Supposedly they are sad because they don't understand the meaning of their dreams, but until this point in the bible the phrase "came in unto them" has been reserved for naughty time. Bow chicka wow wow. I guess it is a prison. Anyway, Joe informs them the butler's dream means he will be released from jail in three days (and he is). The baker's dream means Pharoah will hang him from a tree in three days (and he does).
Two years later Pharoah dreams about seven skinny cows eating fat cows, and seven pitiful ears of corn eating seven beautiful ears of corn. And, behold, it was a dream. Clearly it means something very important. So how do these folks know which dreams mean something and which are the random nonsense that everyone dreams every night? Pharoah summons all the magicians in Egypt but they too are stumped. The butler tells Pharoah about the faithful Hebrew servant Joseph.
Pharoah calls for the imprisoned Joseph, who shaves, changes his clothes and "came in unto Pharoah." I guess that's one way to break the ice. Joe, wouldn't you know, can interpret the dreams: Egypt will have seven years of feast and seven of famine. Pharoah is impressed with Joseph's obvious talents and makes him his second in command. He gives Joe fine clothes, jewelry, a chariot, a wife and a new name: Zaphnathpaaneah.
During the seven plentiful years, Joseph directs all the surplus to be stored. Apparently being in a dungeon the past few years has sharpened his leadership skills. His wife bares two babes (sons, of course), Manasseh and Ephraim. And then the famine strikes. People somehow know food is stored in Egypt and show up in droves from other lands. Pharoah directs all the hungry people to Joseph. Chapter 41 ends as Jacob sends his sons to Egypt to buy corn. We're right on the cusp of a brotherly reunion.
Potiphar's wife has the hots for Joseph, but he continually refuses her. She gets pretty animated about it and grabs his garment while demanding sex. He flees. She uses the clothing as evidence that the Hebrew servant tried to rape her. Potiphar is very wroth and throws Joe in jail next to Pharoah's butler and baker.
The guard can see the Lord is with Joseph (again, what?) so he puts him in charge of the butler and baker. The prison guard puts a prisoner in charge of the other prisoners. Right. The butler and baker dream some dreams. You can listen to the soundtrack for details. "And Joseph came in unto them in the morning, and looked upon them, and behold, they were sad." Supposedly they are sad because they don't understand the meaning of their dreams, but until this point in the bible the phrase "came in unto them" has been reserved for naughty time. Bow chicka wow wow. I guess it is a prison. Anyway, Joe informs them the butler's dream means he will be released from jail in three days (and he is). The baker's dream means Pharoah will hang him from a tree in three days (and he does).
Two years later Pharoah dreams about seven skinny cows eating fat cows, and seven pitiful ears of corn eating seven beautiful ears of corn. And, behold, it was a dream. Clearly it means something very important. So how do these folks know which dreams mean something and which are the random nonsense that everyone dreams every night? Pharoah summons all the magicians in Egypt but they too are stumped. The butler tells Pharoah about the faithful Hebrew servant Joseph.
Pharoah calls for the imprisoned Joseph, who shaves, changes his clothes and "came in unto Pharoah." I guess that's one way to break the ice. Joe, wouldn't you know, can interpret the dreams: Egypt will have seven years of feast and seven of famine. Pharoah is impressed with Joseph's obvious talents and makes him his second in command. He gives Joe fine clothes, jewelry, a chariot, a wife and a new name: Zaphnathpaaneah.
During the seven plentiful years, Joseph directs all the surplus to be stored. Apparently being in a dungeon the past few years has sharpened his leadership skills. His wife bares two babes (sons, of course), Manasseh and Ephraim. And then the famine strikes. People somehow know food is stored in Egypt and show up in droves from other lands. Pharoah directs all the hungry people to Joseph. Chapter 41 ends as Jacob sends his sons to Egypt to buy corn. We're right on the cusp of a brotherly reunion.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Genesis 37-38
Joseph is 17 when Jacob/Israel takes the clan to Canaan. One of Joe's favorite pastimes is tattling on his brothers. "Joseph brought unto his father their evil report." If it's acceptable to these folks to trick all the men in a town into circumcision and then - ha! ha! - murder them, I wonder what qualifies as evil.
For no apparent reason, Jacob loves Joseph more than his other sons and makes him a coat of many colors. How he loved his coat of many colors. It was red and yellow and green and brown and blue.
Joe's other favorite pastime is interpreting dreams. He informs his brothers of his dreams that clearly indicate the 11 of them will someday bow down to him. Needless to say, they aren't big fans of Joe. One day Joseph checks up on his brethren as they feed the flock, and they see their chance to get rid of him. They sell him to some passing Ishmeelites, then kill a goat and splatter its blood on the amazing technicolor dreamcoat. They show the evidence of Joe's untimely demise to Dad. Doesn't this sound like a charming premise for a musical? There's one more angel in heaven. There's one more star in the sky. Joseph, we'll never forget you. It's tough! But we're gonna get by.
Meanwhile, Joe is sold into slavery to Potiphar, an officer of the Pharoah. Potiphar had very few cares. He was one of Egypt's millionaires, having made a fortune buying shares in pyramids.
And then we hear an adorable little story I don't seem to recall in the musical. Joe's brother Judah goes in unto his wife and has three sons, Er, Onan and Shelah. Unfortunately for Er, he is "wicked in the sight of the Lord, and the Lord slew him." That's right. God murders him.
Judah instructs Onan to go in unto Er's wife Tamar, marry her and raise Er's family (huh?). Onan is not completely on board with this idea. Oh, he goes in unto her all right, but he spills his seed on the ground instead of, uh, finishing up inside Tamar. This infuriates God who then murders Onan. The moral of the story, kids, is when you fuck your brother's widow, whatever you do, do NOT pull out. Penalty: Death.
Judah sends Tamar to live with her dad until his (Judah's) son Shelah "be grown" and can come in unto her, so she has that to look forward to. Poor Tamar. And then a bit of sad news - Judah's wife dies. In his grief, he visits his sheep shearer friends. He sees a disguised Tamar and mistakes her for "an harlot." And, you know, a hooker can really cheer a guy up. So they discuss the going rate and settle on a goat (to be provided later) and some other whatnots. Judah and Tamar roll, roll, roll in the hay, and she conceives.
While looking for Tamar to hand over the goat to her, Judah learns she "is with child by whoredom." Judah initially wants her burned alive (hey, she lied!) but then remembers he gave her not unto Shelah as promised. So, she lives. Hooray!
As Tamar delivers twins (boys, of course), one sticks his wee baby arm out of the birth canal and a midwife ties a red thread around his wrist. OK then. He yanks his arm back into the uterus. The other twin slides around him, takes his place at the front of the line and is born first. Because even fetuses understand the value of being the first born.
For no apparent reason, Jacob loves Joseph more than his other sons and makes him a coat of many colors. How he loved his coat of many colors. It was red and yellow and green and brown and blue.
Joe's other favorite pastime is interpreting dreams. He informs his brothers of his dreams that clearly indicate the 11 of them will someday bow down to him. Needless to say, they aren't big fans of Joe. One day Joseph checks up on his brethren as they feed the flock, and they see their chance to get rid of him. They sell him to some passing Ishmeelites, then kill a goat and splatter its blood on the amazing technicolor dreamcoat. They show the evidence of Joe's untimely demise to Dad. Doesn't this sound like a charming premise for a musical? There's one more angel in heaven. There's one more star in the sky. Joseph, we'll never forget you. It's tough! But we're gonna get by.
Meanwhile, Joe is sold into slavery to Potiphar, an officer of the Pharoah. Potiphar had very few cares. He was one of Egypt's millionaires, having made a fortune buying shares in pyramids.
And then we hear an adorable little story I don't seem to recall in the musical. Joe's brother Judah goes in unto his wife and has three sons, Er, Onan and Shelah. Unfortunately for Er, he is "wicked in the sight of the Lord, and the Lord slew him." That's right. God murders him.
Judah instructs Onan to go in unto Er's wife Tamar, marry her and raise Er's family (huh?). Onan is not completely on board with this idea. Oh, he goes in unto her all right, but he spills his seed on the ground instead of, uh, finishing up inside Tamar. This infuriates God who then murders Onan. The moral of the story, kids, is when you fuck your brother's widow, whatever you do, do NOT pull out. Penalty: Death.
Judah sends Tamar to live with her dad until his (Judah's) son Shelah "be grown" and can come in unto her, so she has that to look forward to. Poor Tamar. And then a bit of sad news - Judah's wife dies. In his grief, he visits his sheep shearer friends. He sees a disguised Tamar and mistakes her for "an harlot." And, you know, a hooker can really cheer a guy up. So they discuss the going rate and settle on a goat (to be provided later) and some other whatnots. Judah and Tamar roll, roll, roll in the hay, and she conceives.
While looking for Tamar to hand over the goat to her, Judah learns she "is with child by whoredom." Judah initially wants her burned alive (hey, she lied!) but then remembers he gave her not unto Shelah as promised. So, she lives. Hooray!
As Tamar delivers twins (boys, of course), one sticks his wee baby arm out of the birth canal and a midwife ties a red thread around his wrist. OK then. He yanks his arm back into the uterus. The other twin slides around him, takes his place at the front of the line and is born first. Because even fetuses understand the value of being the first born.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Genesis 33-36
Jacob reaches Canaan. Fearing Esau's reaction, he sends his slaves and their kids first, then Leah (the wife he doesn't love) and her kids, then Rachel and her kids. So if there's any trouble, people can be slaughtered in the order most suitable to Jacob, I suppose.
And then the first heartwarming thing I've read so far happens. Esau embraces his brother. Just like that. Fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept. Esau had grounds to be a real monster to Jacob, and yet he forgives. He tells Jacob the gift of livestock is not necessary, but Jacob insists that he keep them. They part on good terms. Jacob travels through a few places, buys some land and names the place Elelohe-Israel. Again with the naming of places. I don't get this at all.
Leah's daughter Dinah catches the eye of Shechem, son of the local prince. "He took her, and lay with her, and defiled her." That makes him sound like a total rapist but the next verse indicates he fell in love with her. I don't know what Dinah thinks of the situation. As a woman, she gets no opinion. Dinah's brothers Simeon and Levi get wind of this and they are very wroth, even though Shechem apparently has fallen for the gal. His soul clave unto her.
Shechem and his father pledge to pay any dowry for Dinah's hand in marriage. The brothers say we sure would like for you to marry our sister but look at that uncircumcised penis. We can't have that. In fact, everyone around here looks to have a foreskin. So the prince returns to his town and, you guessed it, it's circumcision for everyone! That must have been quite a party. Ah, but Simeon and Levi have played a little joke on Shechem. They remain very wroth. They take their swords and kill Shechem, his father AND all the local men. They steal all their wealth, all their livestock, all their children, and all their wives. Jacob is worried this will make him look bad.
God tells Jacob this would be a good time to get out of Dodge. How about you make a nice altar for me in Bethel? Jacob, recognizing this is a small price to pay for escaping the outright murder of who knows how many people, gathers the household and hits the road. He asks everyone to give up their "strange gods" and earrings first. Obviously you'd want to leave those behind. As they travel, the terror of God is put upon all the neighboring towns so no one will mess with them. Yes they are murdering thugs, but they're the chosen people, the descendants of Abraham.
They build the requested altar in Bethel which pleases God very much. He says from now on Jacob will be called Israel, the same name the hot man love wrestler gave him (so I guess that guy was an angel?). God says, "kings shall come out of thy loins." Again, what have these people done to deserve such favor? Massacred innocent people? Stole and tricked and lied at every turn?
Rachel dies in childbirth. Her parting words to Jacob are she'd like the baby to be named Benoni. Jacob promptly names him Benjamin. Hey, she's dead, she won't know the difference. And Jacob, if you didn't know, is the best!
Isaac reappears out of nowhere and "gives up the ghost" (love this phrase) after 180 years.
Chapter 36 is unbearable and I would rather take a beating than read it. It lists all the generations of Esau. Forty one verses of crap like this: "And Husham died, and Hadad the son of Bedad, who smote Midian in the field of Moab, reigned in his stead: and the name of his city [was] Avith."
And then the first heartwarming thing I've read so far happens. Esau embraces his brother. Just like that. Fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept. Esau had grounds to be a real monster to Jacob, and yet he forgives. He tells Jacob the gift of livestock is not necessary, but Jacob insists that he keep them. They part on good terms. Jacob travels through a few places, buys some land and names the place Elelohe-Israel. Again with the naming of places. I don't get this at all.
Leah's daughter Dinah catches the eye of Shechem, son of the local prince. "He took her, and lay with her, and defiled her." That makes him sound like a total rapist but the next verse indicates he fell in love with her. I don't know what Dinah thinks of the situation. As a woman, she gets no opinion. Dinah's brothers Simeon and Levi get wind of this and they are very wroth, even though Shechem apparently has fallen for the gal. His soul clave unto her.
Shechem and his father pledge to pay any dowry for Dinah's hand in marriage. The brothers say we sure would like for you to marry our sister but look at that uncircumcised penis. We can't have that. In fact, everyone around here looks to have a foreskin. So the prince returns to his town and, you guessed it, it's circumcision for everyone! That must have been quite a party. Ah, but Simeon and Levi have played a little joke on Shechem. They remain very wroth. They take their swords and kill Shechem, his father AND all the local men. They steal all their wealth, all their livestock, all their children, and all their wives. Jacob is worried this will make him look bad.
God tells Jacob this would be a good time to get out of Dodge. How about you make a nice altar for me in Bethel? Jacob, recognizing this is a small price to pay for escaping the outright murder of who knows how many people, gathers the household and hits the road. He asks everyone to give up their "strange gods" and earrings first. Obviously you'd want to leave those behind. As they travel, the terror of God is put upon all the neighboring towns so no one will mess with them. Yes they are murdering thugs, but they're the chosen people, the descendants of Abraham.
They build the requested altar in Bethel which pleases God very much. He says from now on Jacob will be called Israel, the same name the hot man love wrestler gave him (so I guess that guy was an angel?). God says, "kings shall come out of thy loins." Again, what have these people done to deserve such favor? Massacred innocent people? Stole and tricked and lied at every turn?
Rachel dies in childbirth. Her parting words to Jacob are she'd like the baby to be named Benoni. Jacob promptly names him Benjamin. Hey, she's dead, she won't know the difference. And Jacob, if you didn't know, is the best!
Isaac reappears out of nowhere and "gives up the ghost" (love this phrase) after 180 years.
Chapter 36 is unbearable and I would rather take a beating than read it. It lists all the generations of Esau. Forty one verses of crap like this: "And Husham died, and Hadad the son of Bedad, who smote Midian in the field of Moab, reigned in his stead: and the name of his city [was] Avith."
Monday, October 10, 2011
Genesis 32
After this chapter, I'll group a few together. I gotta pick up the pace or I'll never finish this damn book. Plus, we're getting to the Jacob and the Technicolor Dreamcoat story, and you can listen to the soundtrack to fill in the blanks. I have to tell you, trudging through the bible is a genuine chore. The sex scenes and absurdities do help liven things up, so thank you God for that.
Jacob starts the trek home to Canaan. He's nervous about reuniting with his brother Esau. Recall that Jacob was an a-hole to Esau, stealing birth rights and such. He divides his slaves and livestock into two groups. I guess if there is trouble, only half of Team Jacob will get slaughtered. He doesn't put himself in harm's way though. He prepares a gift of 530 livestock for his brother. Here's some camels and she asses, sorry about screwing up your life. The fraidy cat gives them to his slaves to deliver.
Jacob sends his family and servants ahead of him and spends the night alone. Well, not exactly alone. "There wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day." We don't know who the man is, or how/why they met, but they went at it all night. There doesn't seem to be any anger in the wrestling, in fact they part ways in the morning with a blessing. It certainly was a rough-and-tumble night though, as "the hollow of Jacob's thigh" gets bruised up. Ooh la la. The guy won't tell Jacob his name. Probably best to keep these things discreet. He renames Jacob "Israel" before he scampers off.
And Jacob called the place Peniel. Who could make this up? Ah yes, I had a wild night with a mystery man here in thy place, I name thee Peniel.
And what is with bible men naming places as they travel around? How do they know a given place is not already named? Or that the town name is not already in use? And who are you to decide what gets named? Small detail but you can poke holes at every turn in this book.
P.S. The children of Israel will not eat the sinew of the thigh of any animal, as a result of Jacob's injury during his special night with the "wrestler." Good thinking.
Jacob starts the trek home to Canaan. He's nervous about reuniting with his brother Esau. Recall that Jacob was an a-hole to Esau, stealing birth rights and such. He divides his slaves and livestock into two groups. I guess if there is trouble, only half of Team Jacob will get slaughtered. He doesn't put himself in harm's way though. He prepares a gift of 530 livestock for his brother. Here's some camels and she asses, sorry about screwing up your life. The fraidy cat gives them to his slaves to deliver.
Jacob sends his family and servants ahead of him and spends the night alone. Well, not exactly alone. "There wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day." We don't know who the man is, or how/why they met, but they went at it all night. There doesn't seem to be any anger in the wrestling, in fact they part ways in the morning with a blessing. It certainly was a rough-and-tumble night though, as "the hollow of Jacob's thigh" gets bruised up. Ooh la la. The guy won't tell Jacob his name. Probably best to keep these things discreet. He renames Jacob "Israel" before he scampers off.
And Jacob called the place Peniel. Who could make this up? Ah yes, I had a wild night with a mystery man here in thy place, I name thee Peniel.
And what is with bible men naming places as they travel around? How do they know a given place is not already named? Or that the town name is not already in use? And who are you to decide what gets named? Small detail but you can poke holes at every turn in this book.
P.S. The children of Israel will not eat the sinew of the thigh of any animal, as a result of Jacob's injury during his special night with the "wrestler." Good thinking.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Genesis 28-31
Isaac wants Jacob to marry someone worthy (one of their own kind) and sends him to take thee a wife from Rebekah's brother Laban's clan. Esau overhears and realizes his Canaanite wives are second rate so he takes a third wife, this one Ishmael's daughter a.k.a. his cousin.
Jacob dreams of angels walking up and down a ladder and of course God makes an appearance. And big shock, God says Jacob and descendants will be very blessed. What makes Abraham's descendants so special, other than the lack of foreskin? I must have missed something. And if such things are predestined, what does behavior matter? As we've seen by now, Jacob can be a major league asshole, so I guess it doesn't matter. And why does God show up in dreams?
Jacob wakes up and proclaims surely the presence of the Lord is in this place. I can feel his mighty power and his grace. I can hear the brush of angels' wings. I see glory on each face. Sing it with me! He names the place Bethel and seals the deal by setting a rock on a pillar and pouring oil on it. I guess he had to make do with what he had. He says if God will feed, clothe and protect him, then the Lord shall be his God AND Bethel shall be God's house. Pretty sweet deal for God.
Jacob meets his Laban and falls in love with Laban's daughter Rachel. He agrees to work for Laban for seven years if he can marry Rachel. That's love. Or maybe Laban is a manipulative bastard. Turns out it's both. On the wedding night, Laban uses the cover of darkness to pull the old bait-and-switch and sends his daughter Leah into the tent.
Jacob goes in unto Leah and in the morning realizes he nailed the wrong cousin. He is pretty pissed, although he's getting a taste of his own medicine with this lying trickery. Laban is unapologetic. He wanted the elder daughter married off first. But great news - work another seven years and THEN Rachel will be his. Fourteen years isn't that much for these folks who live hundreds of years. After seven years, he goes in unto Rachel, making Leah and Rachel for reals sister wives.
Jacob doesn't love Leah (she's tender eyed after all, and who wants that?), so God makes her fertile and Rachel barren. Makes sense. Leah starts cranking them out. All sons of course. Desperate for children, Rachel gives her handmaid (slave) to Jacob. He goes in unto her and she delivers a few sons. Meanwhile, Leah's uterus has run out of gas, but she is not giving Rachel the last word on this babymaking business. Leah gives HER slave to Jacob and he goes in unto her, and guess what. That's right, a couple more sons!
One of the sons finds "mandrakes" which some bible translations call "love fruit." Leah and Rachel quarrel over it. I guess Leah wins because Jacob goes in unto her and two more sons arrive. And, oops, a daughter (Dinah). God decides to open Rachel's womb for business (so the love fruit wouldn't have mattered, I guess) and she finally has a son, Joseph.
Jacob and his father in law are constantly trying to dick each other over. Jacob makes sure Laban ends up with the feeble livestock, keeping the best for himself. Laban changes Jacob's wages and pulls other dickery to cheat Jacob out of what he's owed. Jacob decides to take the brood to Canaan and sneaks out in the dead of night. On the way out, Rachel steals her dad's idols.
Laban hunts them down and demands to know why they didn't say goodbye. The best part of this whole exchange is Rachel hides the stolen idols in a camel saddle, then sits on the camel while Laban frantically searches for the goods. She lies to her dad and says she got her period and can't stand up. He buys it. Classic.
Somehow Laban and Jacob part on decent terms, forming a covenant that involves... wait for it... a sacrificed animal.
Jacob dreams of angels walking up and down a ladder and of course God makes an appearance. And big shock, God says Jacob and descendants will be very blessed. What makes Abraham's descendants so special, other than the lack of foreskin? I must have missed something. And if such things are predestined, what does behavior matter? As we've seen by now, Jacob can be a major league asshole, so I guess it doesn't matter. And why does God show up in dreams?
Jacob wakes up and proclaims surely the presence of the Lord is in this place. I can feel his mighty power and his grace. I can hear the brush of angels' wings. I see glory on each face. Sing it with me! He names the place Bethel and seals the deal by setting a rock on a pillar and pouring oil on it. I guess he had to make do with what he had. He says if God will feed, clothe and protect him, then the Lord shall be his God AND Bethel shall be God's house. Pretty sweet deal for God.
Jacob meets his Laban and falls in love with Laban's daughter Rachel. He agrees to work for Laban for seven years if he can marry Rachel. That's love. Or maybe Laban is a manipulative bastard. Turns out it's both. On the wedding night, Laban uses the cover of darkness to pull the old bait-and-switch and sends his daughter Leah into the tent.
Jacob goes in unto Leah and in the morning realizes he nailed the wrong cousin. He is pretty pissed, although he's getting a taste of his own medicine with this lying trickery. Laban is unapologetic. He wanted the elder daughter married off first. But great news - work another seven years and THEN Rachel will be his. Fourteen years isn't that much for these folks who live hundreds of years. After seven years, he goes in unto Rachel, making Leah and Rachel for reals sister wives.
Jacob doesn't love Leah (she's tender eyed after all, and who wants that?), so God makes her fertile and Rachel barren. Makes sense. Leah starts cranking them out. All sons of course. Desperate for children, Rachel gives her handmaid (slave) to Jacob. He goes in unto her and she delivers a few sons. Meanwhile, Leah's uterus has run out of gas, but she is not giving Rachel the last word on this babymaking business. Leah gives HER slave to Jacob and he goes in unto her, and guess what. That's right, a couple more sons!
One of the sons finds "mandrakes" which some bible translations call "love fruit." Leah and Rachel quarrel over it. I guess Leah wins because Jacob goes in unto her and two more sons arrive. And, oops, a daughter (Dinah). God decides to open Rachel's womb for business (so the love fruit wouldn't have mattered, I guess) and she finally has a son, Joseph.
Jacob and his father in law are constantly trying to dick each other over. Jacob makes sure Laban ends up with the feeble livestock, keeping the best for himself. Laban changes Jacob's wages and pulls other dickery to cheat Jacob out of what he's owed. Jacob decides to take the brood to Canaan and sneaks out in the dead of night. On the way out, Rachel steals her dad's idols.
Laban hunts them down and demands to know why they didn't say goodbye. The best part of this whole exchange is Rachel hides the stolen idols in a camel saddle, then sits on the camel while Laban frantically searches for the goods. She lies to her dad and says she got her period and can't stand up. He buys it. Classic.
Somehow Laban and Jacob part on decent terms, forming a covenant that involves... wait for it... a sacrificed animal.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Genesis 26-27
It's like father, like son with Abraham and Isaac. Both lived through famines in their younger days and both go to Gerar and pass off their wives as their sisters. WTF is that about? King Abimelech figures out Isaac is a liar before he sleeps with Rebekah and warns his people if anyone toucheth either of these freaks, they'll be put to death.
Isaac sets up shop in Gerar with his many crops, animals and slaves. He is very successful while his neighbors aren't, but hey he is blessed and they aren't. Too bad, so sad. The king eventually asks Isaac to move along, and he heads to the valley. Isaac names the many wells his slaves dig. It helps him pass the time. One night God appears to him in a dream, and in the morning Isaac builds an altar and has the slaves dig another well. OK then.
We end Chapter 26 with Esau's marriages to two Canaanite women, which his parents aren't wild about (I think because they don't have an acceptable heritage).
As Isaac lay nearly blind and dying, he asks Esau to kill something for him to eat and he'll give him a blessing before he kicks off. Rebekah and Jacob conspire so he can get the blessing instead. You already duped Esau out of his birth right, jerk. Isn't that enough? Rebekah puts some goat hide on Jacob so he will be nice and hairy, and the old man thinks he has blessed his favorite son.
Esau arrives home to find what his lying jerk of a brother has done. He begs his father for a blessing, but apparently he can only give one. He says Esau will live far from the fertile land and dew of heaven. He will live by the sword and serve his brother. So not only is he not blessed, his life is going to suck. Esau is raving mad, and Rebekah tells Jacob he better get out of there before his brother kills him. She also wants him to find a wife from another land. These girls from Heth are no good.
Isaac sets up shop in Gerar with his many crops, animals and slaves. He is very successful while his neighbors aren't, but hey he is blessed and they aren't. Too bad, so sad. The king eventually asks Isaac to move along, and he heads to the valley. Isaac names the many wells his slaves dig. It helps him pass the time. One night God appears to him in a dream, and in the morning Isaac builds an altar and has the slaves dig another well. OK then.
We end Chapter 26 with Esau's marriages to two Canaanite women, which his parents aren't wild about (I think because they don't have an acceptable heritage).
As Isaac lay nearly blind and dying, he asks Esau to kill something for him to eat and he'll give him a blessing before he kicks off. Rebekah and Jacob conspire so he can get the blessing instead. You already duped Esau out of his birth right, jerk. Isn't that enough? Rebekah puts some goat hide on Jacob so he will be nice and hairy, and the old man thinks he has blessed his favorite son.
Esau arrives home to find what his lying jerk of a brother has done. He begs his father for a blessing, but apparently he can only give one. He says Esau will live far from the fertile land and dew of heaven. He will live by the sword and serve his brother. So not only is he not blessed, his life is going to suck. Esau is raving mad, and Rebekah tells Jacob he better get out of there before his brother kills him. She also wants him to find a wife from another land. These girls from Heth are no good.
Genesis 25
No kinky sex in Chapter 25, just garden variety slavery, infertility and impossibly old people. Ho hum.
Abraham marries Keturah and the babies show up in droves, but Abraham gives everything he has to Isaac. That sucks for everyone else. He also has children with the sister wife concubines. He gives them gifts, then shoos them out of the house. Abraham "gives up the ghost" after 350 years, and he is buried with Sarah.
Ishmael, Abraham's son with the slave Hagar, has a bunch of kids, 12 of whom are princes. He "gives up the ghost" at the tender age of 137.
Isaac marries, and wouldn't you know it, Rebekah is barren. When Isaac talks to God about it, she gets pregnant. It's a rough pregnancy which God explains like so: "Two nations [are] in thy womb, and two manner of people shall be separated from thy bowels; and [the one] people shall be stronger than [the other] people; and the elder shall serve the younger."
Rebekah gives birth to twin boys. Esau, the firstborn, is red like a hairy garment (what?), outdoorsy, and favored by his father. Jacob is a "plain man" and mommy's boy. He's also kind of a dick who tricks the more dim-witted Esau. One day Esau comes in from the field so famished that he stupidly trades his birthright for a bowl of Jacob's lentil soup. I guess it doesn't much matter as God has already announced the elder is predestined to serve the younger.
Abraham marries Keturah and the babies show up in droves, but Abraham gives everything he has to Isaac. That sucks for everyone else. He also has children with the sister wife concubines. He gives them gifts, then shoos them out of the house. Abraham "gives up the ghost" after 350 years, and he is buried with Sarah.
Ishmael, Abraham's son with the slave Hagar, has a bunch of kids, 12 of whom are princes. He "gives up the ghost" at the tender age of 137.
Isaac marries, and wouldn't you know it, Rebekah is barren. When Isaac talks to God about it, she gets pregnant. It's a rough pregnancy which God explains like so: "Two nations [are] in thy womb, and two manner of people shall be separated from thy bowels; and [the one] people shall be stronger than [the other] people; and the elder shall serve the younger."
Rebekah gives birth to twin boys. Esau, the firstborn, is red like a hairy garment (what?), outdoorsy, and favored by his father. Jacob is a "plain man" and mommy's boy. He's also kind of a dick who tricks the more dim-witted Esau. One day Esau comes in from the field so famished that he stupidly trades his birthright for a bowl of Jacob's lentil soup. I guess it doesn't much matter as God has already announced the elder is predestined to serve the younger.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Genesis 23-24
Sarah dies at the age of 123 and Abraham finds a place to bury her. This takes 20 verses, and you should thank me for not going into more detail.
Abraham summons an old favorite slave: "put thy hand under my thigh." I did a little reading about this and apparently it means, come over here and cup my balls. Abraham explains he doesn't want Isaac to marry someone from Canaan (where they live). The slave takes ten camels and heads to the home land of Mesopotamia where he finds Rebekah and knows she is the one. She and her family are quite hospitable to him and the camels, and he in turns gives them jewelry and explains he's there to find a wife for Isaac. Her family happily sends her on her way to become the "mother of thousands of millions."
It's love at first site for Isaac and Rebekah who immediately make a little lovin'... a little turtle dovin' on the Mason-Dixon line. This makes Isaac less broken hearted about Sarah's death, which is good because they're lying in her bed.
Abraham summons an old favorite slave: "put thy hand under my thigh." I did a little reading about this and apparently it means, come over here and cup my balls. Abraham explains he doesn't want Isaac to marry someone from Canaan (where they live). The slave takes ten camels and heads to the home land of Mesopotamia where he finds Rebekah and knows she is the one. She and her family are quite hospitable to him and the camels, and he in turns gives them jewelry and explains he's there to find a wife for Isaac. Her family happily sends her on her way to become the "mother of thousands of millions."
It's love at first site for Isaac and Rebekah who immediately make a little lovin'... a little turtle dovin' on the Mason-Dixon line. This makes Isaac less broken hearted about Sarah's death, which is good because they're lying in her bed.
Genesis 22
God tells Abraham to take "his only son" Isaac (I guess we aren't claiming Ishmael at this point) to the land of Moriah and present him as a burnt offering. You read that right. Burn your son to death, please. Instead of telling God he is an unreasonable asshole, Abraham starts the long trek to Moriah with Isaac and some slaves. Isaac, knowing they are there for a burnt offering, asks where the lamb is. The answer? God will provide one. Joke's on you, Isaac.
An altar is built and the old man ties Isaac to it. He is just about to slit Isaac's throat when an angel of the Lord appears. Just kidding, Abraham! No need to kill your son.
Abraham's willingness to murder his son proves his great faith. He looks up to find a ram has conveniently appeared. The Lord always provides, you know. He burns the ram as an offering to God, who tells Abraham he will have many descendants and be the father of many nations. Hooray!
An altar is built and the old man ties Isaac to it. He is just about to slit Isaac's throat when an angel of the Lord appears. Just kidding, Abraham! No need to kill your son.
Abraham's willingness to murder his son proves his great faith. He looks up to find a ram has conveniently appeared. The Lord always provides, you know. He burns the ram as an offering to God, who tells Abraham he will have many descendants and be the father of many nations. Hooray!
Genesis 20-21
We return to the journey of Abraham and Sarah. He revives his old gag of passing off his wife as his sister. This time King Abimelech of Gerar takes a turn at the wheel. God again gets pissed at the wrong guy. He appears to Abimelech in a dream: "thou are but a dead man." Abimelech points out he didn't know Sarah is Abraham's wife and God eases up on the dead man talk but demands Sarah be returned to her husband. Because she is not property, right? Why no. Because Abraham is a prophet. He's so special that if he lies to you, it's your fault.
Abimelech confronts Abraham, who blames the people of Gerar. Obviously they would have killed him to get to his luscious 100 year old wife, who apparently has no say in who is banging her. So he had to say she is his sister. He then reveals this little nugget: Abraham and Sarah have the same dad. That's right. His wife IS his sister. WTF.
Abimelech makes it up to Abraham (he owed him, wouldn't you say?) with the return of Sarah and a gift of silver, sheep, oxen and plenty of slaves. He tells Abraham to live wherever he wants in Gerar. Abraham finds this satisfactory, and God heals Abimelech, his wife and slaves. Turns out when he heard about Abimelech screwing Sarah, he "closed up all the wombs of the house of Abimelech." That's right. Sterilized them all.
Sarah gives birth to Isaac, the son long promised by God, and Abraham circumcises him. How can Isaac be part of the covenant if his penis doesn't look just like God likes it? Sarah is very merry now that she can "give children suck." The day Isaac stops sucking, Abraham prepares a great feast. Yahoo! No more nursing bras!
Sarah has had enough of Hagar and tells Abraham to throw her and Ishmael out. Abraham is sad, but if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. So he gives Hagar a loaf of bread and a bit of water, and tells her to get the hell out. Recall Ishmael was 13 when he was circumcised. Now he is small enough for Hagar to carry. How does that work? It doesn't take long for the two to find themselves totally screwed, alone in the desert. God intervenes and provides water, saving them from certain death. Ishmael grows up, and his mom finds him a nice Egyptian wife.
Abimelech and Abraham form a covenant where Abraham promises not to be a lying douche again. Abraham gives the gift of some animals but puts seven ewes off to the side, which apparently is supposed to mean something to me. "And Abraham sojourned in the Philistines' land many days." Uh... ok. The end of this chapter (verses 25-34) was lost on me. Hope this isn't the key to the whole book. I'm just going to plow ahead, or I'll never get through this thing.
Abimelech confronts Abraham, who blames the people of Gerar. Obviously they would have killed him to get to his luscious 100 year old wife, who apparently has no say in who is banging her. So he had to say she is his sister. He then reveals this little nugget: Abraham and Sarah have the same dad. That's right. His wife IS his sister. WTF.
Abimelech makes it up to Abraham (he owed him, wouldn't you say?) with the return of Sarah and a gift of silver, sheep, oxen and plenty of slaves. He tells Abraham to live wherever he wants in Gerar. Abraham finds this satisfactory, and God heals Abimelech, his wife and slaves. Turns out when he heard about Abimelech screwing Sarah, he "closed up all the wombs of the house of Abimelech." That's right. Sterilized them all.
Sarah gives birth to Isaac, the son long promised by God, and Abraham circumcises him. How can Isaac be part of the covenant if his penis doesn't look just like God likes it? Sarah is very merry now that she can "give children suck." The day Isaac stops sucking, Abraham prepares a great feast. Yahoo! No more nursing bras!
Sarah has had enough of Hagar and tells Abraham to throw her and Ishmael out. Abraham is sad, but if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. So he gives Hagar a loaf of bread and a bit of water, and tells her to get the hell out. Recall Ishmael was 13 when he was circumcised. Now he is small enough for Hagar to carry. How does that work? It doesn't take long for the two to find themselves totally screwed, alone in the desert. God intervenes and provides water, saving them from certain death. Ishmael grows up, and his mom finds him a nice Egyptian wife.
Abimelech and Abraham form a covenant where Abraham promises not to be a lying douche again. Abraham gives the gift of some animals but puts seven ewes off to the side, which apparently is supposed to mean something to me. "And Abraham sojourned in the Philistines' land many days." Uh... ok. The end of this chapter (verses 25-34) was lost on me. Hope this isn't the key to the whole book. I'm just going to plow ahead, or I'll never get through this thing.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Genesis 19
Just when you think this book cannot get any freakier, it does just that. Welcome to Chapter 19.
Two angels visit Sodom and Lot invites them over for dinner. The male townsfolk show up and demand the guests be handed over to be raped. I guess these Sodomites really are wicked assholes after all. Lot is determined to protect his guests so he offers up his own daughters for the raping. And Lot is the good guy in town. He claims his daughters are virgins but we learn later in the chapter they are married, not that this detail makes the story any better or worse. Anyway, the suggestion ticks off the Sodomites who storm the house. The angels help Lot slip back inside and strike all the would-be rapists blind.
The angels escort Lot, his wife and two daughters out of town. Run away, and don't look back! God then gets down to business destroying the entire Jordanian valley, including Sodom and Gomorrah. Classic old testament hellfire and brimstone. Lot's wife looks back at the burning city. Big mistake. She immediately turns into a pillar of salt (what?!). Hey, you were warned, babe. But Lot -- who presents his daughters to would-be rapists -- escapes safely. Clearly he's done nothing so terrible as look back over his shoulder.
Lot and his daughters end up in a nice cave in Zoar. The daughters want their dad's name to live on, and who wouldn't want to preserve the bloodline of a wonderful dad who offered you up to be raped. So they did the only logical thing and got him drunk and took turns fucking him. Did it ever occur to you he might get married again? Maybe show him how to use eharmony.com.
OK, so both daughters have sons, making Lot a dad and grandpa to the same kids.
Two angels visit Sodom and Lot invites them over for dinner. The male townsfolk show up and demand the guests be handed over to be raped. I guess these Sodomites really are wicked assholes after all. Lot is determined to protect his guests so he offers up his own daughters for the raping. And Lot is the good guy in town. He claims his daughters are virgins but we learn later in the chapter they are married, not that this detail makes the story any better or worse. Anyway, the suggestion ticks off the Sodomites who storm the house. The angels help Lot slip back inside and strike all the would-be rapists blind.
The angels escort Lot, his wife and two daughters out of town. Run away, and don't look back! God then gets down to business destroying the entire Jordanian valley, including Sodom and Gomorrah. Classic old testament hellfire and brimstone. Lot's wife looks back at the burning city. Big mistake. She immediately turns into a pillar of salt (what?!). Hey, you were warned, babe. But Lot -- who presents his daughters to would-be rapists -- escapes safely. Clearly he's done nothing so terrible as look back over his shoulder.
Lot and his daughters end up in a nice cave in Zoar. The daughters want their dad's name to live on, and who wouldn't want to preserve the bloodline of a wonderful dad who offered you up to be raped. So they did the only logical thing and got him drunk and took turns fucking him. Did it ever occur to you he might get married again? Maybe show him how to use eharmony.com.
OK, so both daughters have sons, making Lot a dad and grandpa to the same kids.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Genesis 16-18
Sarai and Abram have been in Canaan for 10 years when they have a little chat about their infertility. Sarai tells Abram he should sleep with her Egyptian slave Hagar, thinking she may have children by Hagar if she can't have one on her own. She gives Hagar to Abram "to be his wife." Hagar of course has no say in the situation. Abram and Hagar go at it, and she gets knocked up. Sarai is upset about this, even though she is the one who suggested it in the first place. Abram reminds her that she has power over her servant and can do to her as she pleases. Sarai then beats the crap out of Hagar who flees.
An angel of the Lord tracks Hagar down and tells her to return to her mistress Sarai and submit to her. The angel says it's ok Hagar, you'll have a son Ishmael, many descendants, and things will be great, you'll see. Slavery is treated neutrally. Also note that the oppressed is told her reward will come later. Good tactic that keeps the little people in their place.
When Abram is 86 years old, Ishmael is born.
Thirteen years later, God shows up again and says Abram and Sarai are now Abraham and Sarah. OK then. Abraham learns he'll be the father of multitudes of nations and kings. God says Ishmael will be blessed, and Sarah, 90 years old by this point, will have a son Isaac who will be very, very blessed. The token of this covenant is... that's right, circumcision. Lop off your foreskins, please. Abraham takes his son and slaves and circumcises them all. Circumcises himself too. WTF. Ever hear of sealing a deal with a handshake?
God appears to Abraham yet again as Abraham sits at the entrance of his tent. Three men are traveling by and Abraham gives them food and water. Very hospitable. I don't know if these fellows are angels or in cahoots with God or what, but one of the men says Sarah will have a son within the year. She is listening from the tent and laughs in disbelief. Did I mention she's 90 years old? God asks Sarah why she is laughing. "Is there anything too hard for the Lord?" Instead of saying, listen I am a 90 year old woman, she denies laughing. Obviously you don't want to be too logical where God is concerned. So how did she know he was God? Was he visible? Did she just hear a voice? I don't get it.
Abraham walks with the three men as they head out of town toward Sodom, which reminds God of what a wicked place Sodom is. The people there sin all the time and God is ready to smote them all. Abraham doesn't want that to happen - his nephew Lot lives there. He makes a deal with God that if 10 righteous people can be found in Sodom, God will spare the city. What a guy.
An angel of the Lord tracks Hagar down and tells her to return to her mistress Sarai and submit to her. The angel says it's ok Hagar, you'll have a son Ishmael, many descendants, and things will be great, you'll see. Slavery is treated neutrally. Also note that the oppressed is told her reward will come later. Good tactic that keeps the little people in their place.
When Abram is 86 years old, Ishmael is born.
Thirteen years later, God shows up again and says Abram and Sarai are now Abraham and Sarah. OK then. Abraham learns he'll be the father of multitudes of nations and kings. God says Ishmael will be blessed, and Sarah, 90 years old by this point, will have a son Isaac who will be very, very blessed. The token of this covenant is... that's right, circumcision. Lop off your foreskins, please. Abraham takes his son and slaves and circumcises them all. Circumcises himself too. WTF. Ever hear of sealing a deal with a handshake?
God appears to Abraham yet again as Abraham sits at the entrance of his tent. Three men are traveling by and Abraham gives them food and water. Very hospitable. I don't know if these fellows are angels or in cahoots with God or what, but one of the men says Sarah will have a son within the year. She is listening from the tent and laughs in disbelief. Did I mention she's 90 years old? God asks Sarah why she is laughing. "Is there anything too hard for the Lord?" Instead of saying, listen I am a 90 year old woman, she denies laughing. Obviously you don't want to be too logical where God is concerned. So how did she know he was God? Was he visible? Did she just hear a voice? I don't get it.
Abraham walks with the three men as they head out of town toward Sodom, which reminds God of what a wicked place Sodom is. The people there sin all the time and God is ready to smote them all. Abraham doesn't want that to happen - his nephew Lot lives there. He makes a deal with God that if 10 righteous people can be found in Sodom, God will spare the city. What a guy.
Genesis 13-15
In Chapter 13, Abram, Sarai and Lot do some traveling around the Bethel and Hai region. Abram's herdsmen and Lot's herdsmen do not get along, so the two men decide the world's a big place, let's spread out a bit. Lot heads to Jordan because it is beautiful and green. It is also where the wicked sinners of Sodom live. And Abram goes to Canaan. The Lord talks to Abram, assuring him he and his descendants will be very blessed. Abram builds a temple.
Chapter 14 rattles off a long list of kings. There is a war and Sodom and Gomorrah are ransacked. Lot loses all of his possessions and is captured. When Abram hears about his nephew Lot, he puts together an army of his slaves and recaptures all the lost goods. The kings of Sodom and Salem thank Abram and offer food and whatnot as a reward, but Abram refuses.
God talks to Abram again in Chapter 15. Abram takes this opportunity to bring up, hey you said we'd be fruitful but we are STILL childless. He then slaughters a heifer, a goat and a ram as an offering to God. Always a good choice. God promises Abram he will have lots of descendants.
Chapter 14 rattles off a long list of kings. There is a war and Sodom and Gomorrah are ransacked. Lot loses all of his possessions and is captured. When Abram hears about his nephew Lot, he puts together an army of his slaves and recaptures all the lost goods. The kings of Sodom and Salem thank Abram and offer food and whatnot as a reward, but Abram refuses.
God talks to Abram again in Chapter 15. Abram takes this opportunity to bring up, hey you said we'd be fruitful but we are STILL childless. He then slaughters a heifer, a goat and a ram as an offering to God. Always a good choice. God promises Abram he will have lots of descendants.
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