Exodus 12

Chapter 11 ended with the description of the 10th plague. Show of hands - who knew the 10th plague is actually Passover? Yes, that Passover. The Jewish holiday you don't particularly understand. Well, prepare to be dazzled. God has outdone himself on this one.

Chapter 12 explains the rules of Passover, when God passes over the houses of the Hebrews and murders the firstborn son and beast of the Egyptians. Something to celebrate, no?

• On the tenth day of the first month of the year, get a young unblemished male lamb. Hold it until the 14th day, then slaughter it at dusk. 
• Smudge some of the lamb's blood on the sides and top of the door. This will let God know where the chosen people are (shouldn't he know?). 
• Bake the lamb with its head, legs and innards. This should go without saying but do NOT boil it. 
• Eat all you can and burn the rest by sunrise.
• Make sure you're wearing your shoes. Holding a stick is also recommended. 
• During the night, God will kill all the Egyptian firstborn men and beast. It seems he does this simultaneously, unlike Santa Claus' nighttime routine where he visits houses one by one. God is just that powerful.
• From the first through the seventh days, eat unleavened bread. So is this just bread without yeast? Am I missing something? If you eat Wonderbread between the first and seventh days, you are cut off from Israel forever. 
• On the first and seventh days, hold holy meetings and don't work.
• From the 14th through the 21st day, same deal on the bread. If Wonderbread is even in the house, you're out of the tribe. 
• Slaves and house guests can take part in Passover rituals, provided they are circumcised.

Annual lamb and bread rituals are to be carried out forever. When your children ask, "Seriously, what in the hell are we doing?", your answer should be, "We are celebrating God not slaughtering us when he slaughtered all those other people. Let's slaughter something!" 

So God does all the planned murdering, and Pharaoh has finally had enough. He tells Moses to get his people out of Egypt. "The Egyptians were forcing the people on, to get them out of the land quickly; for they said, We are all dead men." No kidding. How are there any Egyptians left? And haven't the livestock been killed several times over by now? God tinkers with Egyptian minds so they look on the Hebrews with favor and hand over their silver and gold. That is just rude. Christ. I mean God.

And it came to pass that the Lord led 600,000+ Israelites out of Egypt. They are in too big of a hurry to pack the yeast so it's all unleavened bread for the journey. God tells them not to share their bread with anyone along the way who is uncircumcised.