In Chapter 24, Balak gets fussy with Balaam about not cursing the Israelites but Balaam cannot go against God's wishes. Balaam says these Hebrews are special and great things are in store for them in the smiting department. "There shall come a Star out of Jacob, and a Sceptre shall rise out of Israel, and shall smite the corners of Moab."
The Hebrews reach Shittim in Chapter 25 and immediately begin whoring with the Moabites. Not the deuce I'd expect to drop in Shittim, but goddammit those Moabites are sexy. Sacrifices are made to other gods, and the real God gets super pissed. Heads are going to roll and pronto.
To make God happy, Phinehas sends a javelin through a Moabite woman's belly straight through her Israeli lover. God then kills 24,000 people via the plague method and makes a convenant of peace with Phinehas for his excellent two-in-one murder. God tells Moses he'd like all Midianites dead. Apparently God has forgotten that Moses' wife is a Midianite. Whoopsie.
Chapter 26 brings us more counting, hooray! A census reveals there are 600,000 fighting men and 23,000 Levites. Caleb and Joshua are not included in the headcount.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Numbers 22-23
Today's episode of the Inerrant Word of God includes a talking donkey.
The Israelites reach Moab (on this side of Jordan). As King Balak watches them arrive, he is understandably nervous given his neighbors' recent fate. Balak wants them smited (smote? smoten? smoted?) and driven from the land so he asks Balaam for help. Apparently Balaam is good at delivering curses. Balaam has a one-on-one with God who tells him he cannot curse the chosen people. Thou shalt go with them instead. There's some back and forth between God and Balak's people, which causes God to change course and tell Balaam to go with Balak's tribe.
Balaam saddles his ass and tags along with the princes of Moab. This makes God very wroth, even though Balaam is doing exactly what he was just told to do. God does the logical thing and blocks his path with an angel wielding a sword. Problem is, the angel is invisible to Balaam. The donkey, however, can see it and stops in the road. Balaam gets angry and beats the donkey who then starts talking.
A talking donkey.
And I'm what's wrong with America for not believing this is the inspired, perfect word of God.
Right.
The donkey wants to know why Balaam is beating the shit out of him. Fair question. The angel then makes itself visible to Balaam who apologizes profusely for the sin of not seeing an invisible angel that God put there to trick him. Clearly that's his fault.
Then Balaam and Balak journey to Kirjathhuzoth and Baal that thence he might see the utmost part of the people.
In Chapter 23, Balaam and Balak make a few more stops. Balak hopes each place is just right for Balaam to do his magic act and smite all the Israelites. God reminds Balaam not to kill the chosen people. Finally they reach Jeshimon which is the perfect spot to sacrifice seven bulls and seven rams. God loves that.
The Israelites reach Moab (on this side of Jordan). As King Balak watches them arrive, he is understandably nervous given his neighbors' recent fate. Balak wants them smited (smote? smoten? smoted?) and driven from the land so he asks Balaam for help. Apparently Balaam is good at delivering curses. Balaam has a one-on-one with God who tells him he cannot curse the chosen people. Thou shalt go with them instead. There's some back and forth between God and Balak's people, which causes God to change course and tell Balaam to go with Balak's tribe.
Balaam saddles his ass and tags along with the princes of Moab. This makes God very wroth, even though Balaam is doing exactly what he was just told to do. God does the logical thing and blocks his path with an angel wielding a sword. Problem is, the angel is invisible to Balaam. The donkey, however, can see it and stops in the road. Balaam gets angry and beats the donkey who then starts talking.
A talking donkey.
And I'm what's wrong with America for not believing this is the inspired, perfect word of God.
Right.
The donkey wants to know why Balaam is beating the shit out of him. Fair question. The angel then makes itself visible to Balaam who apologizes profusely for the sin of not seeing an invisible angel that God put there to trick him. Clearly that's his fault.
Then Balaam and Balak journey to Kirjathhuzoth and Baal that thence he might see the utmost part of the people.
In Chapter 23, Balaam and Balak make a few more stops. Balak hopes each place is just right for Balaam to do his magic act and smite all the Israelites. God reminds Balaam not to kill the chosen people. Finally they reach Jeshimon which is the perfect spot to sacrifice seven bulls and seven rams. God loves that.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Numbers 21
I apologize for the delay. What's holding this process up is the bible itself. It SUCKS, people. No wonder so few people read it. To try to get things moving again, I'm going to post about the next chapter tonight if it kills me. And now on with our story.
We begin Numbers 21 with the news that a Canaanite king has fought off approaching Israelites and taken some as prisoners. The Israelites turn to God -- if you will return our people to us, then we will utterly destroy the Canaanite cities. God, recognizing a good deal when he sees one, hearkens unto the voice of Israel. And they called the place Hormah.
The chosen people continue on by way of the Red Sea to Edom. Forgetting that God struck down 15,000 people a few chapters back, these morons start bitching and moaning. "And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died." Will these people never learn? I guess God has a change of heart because he instructs Moses to build a magic brass rod shaped like a serpent. People who have been bitten and aren't already dead can gaze upon the magic rod and be healed.
Numbers 21 outlines the cities they pass through on their journey. It's pretty much the path you'd expect -- Oboth to Zared to the brooks of Arnon to the border of Moab. And thence they went to Beer where the princes digged a well. Then from Mattanah to Nahaliel to Bamoth. When they get to Sihon, they ask the Amorite king if they can kindly pass through his land. He says no so the Israelites kill a bunch of people and take the land. "Thus Israel dwelt in the land of the Amorites."
Then it's on to Jaazer where Moses and company kill everyone and take their land. It's God's will.
We begin Numbers 21 with the news that a Canaanite king has fought off approaching Israelites and taken some as prisoners. The Israelites turn to God -- if you will return our people to us, then we will utterly destroy the Canaanite cities. God, recognizing a good deal when he sees one, hearkens unto the voice of Israel. And they called the place Hormah.
The chosen people continue on by way of the Red Sea to Edom. Forgetting that God struck down 15,000 people a few chapters back, these morons start bitching and moaning. "And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died." Will these people never learn? I guess God has a change of heart because he instructs Moses to build a magic brass rod shaped like a serpent. People who have been bitten and aren't already dead can gaze upon the magic rod and be healed.
Numbers 21 outlines the cities they pass through on their journey. It's pretty much the path you'd expect -- Oboth to Zared to the brooks of Arnon to the border of Moab. And thence they went to Beer where the princes digged a well. Then from Mattanah to Nahaliel to Bamoth. When they get to Sihon, they ask the Amorite king if they can kindly pass through his land. He says no so the Israelites kill a bunch of people and take the land. "Thus Israel dwelt in the land of the Amorites."
Then it's on to Jaazer where Moses and company kill everyone and take their land. It's God's will.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Numbers 18-20
After such greatly entertaining chapters, we were bound to have a dud in Numbers 18. Again we learn about the rules and regulations involved in being a priest. God has given priestly powers to only Aaron and the Levites, and any stranger who cometh nigh will be put to death. When it comes to offerings, God wants the very best wine, wheat and oil. Make sure the beasts you massacre are the tastiest ones too. He will also take one-tenth of the money tithed by the Israelites, and the Levites get the rest. Such a deal.
In Chapter 19, we learn how to purify ourselves after being defiled by corpses. This is useful information given that so many people were recently slaughtered. He that toucheth a dead man is unclean for seven days. A red heifer without blemish is to be sacrificed. Burn him up and gather the ashes. Mix into the water of separation, and sprinkle it upon unclean people and tents. If you don't do this, you are to be cut off from the chosen people forever.
We begin Chapter 20 on a sad note. Moses' sister Miriam dies and is buried in Kadesh. We spend all of one verse bidding her farewell.
The people are thirsty and complain to Moses and Aaron, who visit the tabernacle and fall on their faces. The glory of the Lord appears, and Moses is instructed to gather everyone before a rock. He is to speak to the rock and it shalt give forth water for man and beast alike. Moses gets a wild hair and decides to hit the rock instead. The water springs forth and the people drink, but this insubordination upsets God so much that he announces he will not bring the congregation into the promised land after all.
Moses and company are on their own for the next step of the journey. Moses sends a messenger to King Edom, asking if they can pass through his land. Edom refuses, so the group goes the way of Mount Hor. God appears again, telling Aaron and his son Eleazar to walk up Mount Hor. Aaron is to be stripped of his garments which will then be worn by Eleazar. Aaron is also instructed to die at the top of the mount, which he dutifully does. When the Israelites learn of Aaron's death, they mourn for 30 days.
In Chapter 19, we learn how to purify ourselves after being defiled by corpses. This is useful information given that so many people were recently slaughtered. He that toucheth a dead man is unclean for seven days. A red heifer without blemish is to be sacrificed. Burn him up and gather the ashes. Mix into the water of separation, and sprinkle it upon unclean people and tents. If you don't do this, you are to be cut off from the chosen people forever.
We begin Chapter 20 on a sad note. Moses' sister Miriam dies and is buried in Kadesh. We spend all of one verse bidding her farewell.
The people are thirsty and complain to Moses and Aaron, who visit the tabernacle and fall on their faces. The glory of the Lord appears, and Moses is instructed to gather everyone before a rock. He is to speak to the rock and it shalt give forth water for man and beast alike. Moses gets a wild hair and decides to hit the rock instead. The water springs forth and the people drink, but this insubordination upsets God so much that he announces he will not bring the congregation into the promised land after all.
Moses and company are on their own for the next step of the journey. Moses sends a messenger to King Edom, asking if they can pass through his land. Edom refuses, so the group goes the way of Mount Hor. God appears again, telling Aaron and his son Eleazar to walk up Mount Hor. Aaron is to be stripped of his garments which will then be worn by Eleazar. Aaron is also instructed to die at the top of the mount, which he dutifully does. When the Israelites learn of Aaron's death, they mourn for 30 days.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Numbers 15-17
In Numbers 15, we return to an old favorite past time, making offerings to God. Numerous rules are spelled out so you know when it's appropriate to slaughter a bullock, ram, lamb, kid, or she goat. These offerings are a sweet savour unto the Lord. He sure does get hungry up there in the sky. God prefers meat offerings to be tossed with a tenth deal of flour and a fourth part of an hin of oil. Please also provide a fourth part of an hin of wine and some spinach dip and pita chips. Those are delicious. "For I am the Lord your God." I like how the bible continually says that, as if it makes it more true or something.
Something hilariously awful happens in Numbers 15. Some children see a man gathering sticks on the sabbath day, which is a clear violation of the Ten Commandments, so they rat him out to Moses and Aaron. Moses in turn tattles to God who determines this horrible person deserves nothing less than to stand before the congregation and be stoned to death. And they stoned him with stones, and he died. The Israelites then add a ribband of blue to their clothing as a reminder to keep God's commandments, after which ye use to go a whoring. The Basic English Bible translates this to being untrue to God, but it's so much more fun to say "go a whoring." So to sum up, if you've ever picked up sticks on the sabbath, you deserve to be put to death.
Chapter 16 shares a heartwarming tale about our perfectly wise and loving God. Korah, one of the Levite priests, garners the support of 250 princes and challenges Moses' authority. When Moses hears of it, he falls upon his face. He has been doing that a lot lately. He might be exhibiting the early signs of MS or even ALS. I hope he gets that checked out. God is called in to settle the dispute. Take a big guess whose side he takes. He causes some of the would-be rebels to be swallowed up by the land, never to be seen again. God lights the others on fire, then whips up some sort of plague. Aaron and Moses high tail it to the incense to make an atonement and appease God. The plague was stayed (whew!) but sadly not before it claims the life of 14,700 people. Next time, I'll get to that incense faster, God.
In Chapter 17, God instructs Moses to gather a rod from the head of each of the 12 tribes of Israel. A rod from each head, check. Write thou every man's name upon his rod. That's a little weird, but whatever gets you off. I'm not here to judge. Moses puts all the rods in the tabernacle, and in the morning Aaron's rod has blossomed and sprouted almonds. The people freak out, believing this is a bad omen. They weren't fazed by 15,000 people being murdered via the plague, fire and spontaneous burial, but oh no, Aaron has nuts at the base of his rod! Whosoever cometh any thing near the tabernacle shall die!
Something hilariously awful happens in Numbers 15. Some children see a man gathering sticks on the sabbath day, which is a clear violation of the Ten Commandments, so they rat him out to Moses and Aaron. Moses in turn tattles to God who determines this horrible person deserves nothing less than to stand before the congregation and be stoned to death. And they stoned him with stones, and he died. The Israelites then add a ribband of blue to their clothing as a reminder to keep God's commandments, after which ye use to go a whoring. The Basic English Bible translates this to being untrue to God, but it's so much more fun to say "go a whoring." So to sum up, if you've ever picked up sticks on the sabbath, you deserve to be put to death.
Chapter 16 shares a heartwarming tale about our perfectly wise and loving God. Korah, one of the Levite priests, garners the support of 250 princes and challenges Moses' authority. When Moses hears of it, he falls upon his face. He has been doing that a lot lately. He might be exhibiting the early signs of MS or even ALS. I hope he gets that checked out. God is called in to settle the dispute. Take a big guess whose side he takes. He causes some of the would-be rebels to be swallowed up by the land, never to be seen again. God lights the others on fire, then whips up some sort of plague. Aaron and Moses high tail it to the incense to make an atonement and appease God. The plague was stayed (whew!) but sadly not before it claims the life of 14,700 people. Next time, I'll get to that incense faster, God.
In Chapter 17, God instructs Moses to gather a rod from the head of each of the 12 tribes of Israel. A rod from each head, check. Write thou every man's name upon his rod. That's a little weird, but whatever gets you off. I'm not here to judge. Moses puts all the rods in the tabernacle, and in the morning Aaron's rod has blossomed and sprouted almonds. The people freak out, believing this is a bad omen. They weren't fazed by 15,000 people being murdered via the plague, fire and spontaneous burial, but oh no, Aaron has nuts at the base of his rod! Whosoever cometh any thing near the tabernacle shall die!
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Numbers 13-14
In Chapter 13, we f-i-n-a-l-l-y reach Canaan. Moses sends a representative from each tribe to "spy out" Canaan. They spend (wait for it) 40 days and 40 nights checking things out. They report that Canaan is indeed the land of milk and honey, but they're fearful of being overpowered by the super sized Canaanites. Caleb thinks they should bust on in and take over, but the rest of the Hebrew spies feel like grasshoppers next to those giants. With crazy biblical names like Issachar, Ephraim and Zebulun, it's funny to see an overly popular name like Caleb. I wonder if Caleb ever has a playdate with Tucker, Parker, Jayden, Aidan or Brayden. Maybe McKenna and Kaylee can join them if it is not their unclean time of the month or they're not busy being stoned to death.
The Hebrews continue complaining in Chapter 14. They go so far as pondering a return to Egypt, where they were slaves... because that's going to be so much better. Morons! When Moses and Aaron get wind of this, they fall flat on their faces in frustration (I am not making this up). Caleb and Joshua address the crowd. How could everyone hear? There's well over a million people, maybe two. Anyway, they remind everyone they have God on their side and the Canaanites don't. The congregation is not convinced and calls for Caleb and Joshua to be stoned to death with stones (in case you're wondering how it's done). At this point, God flies off the handle. He has had enough of these doubters and complainers. He says, "I will smite them with the pestilence, and disinherit them, and will make of thee a greater nation and mightier than they." That's right, God says he'll kill the chosen people and come up with better ones. You didn't hear stories like this in Sunday school, now did you?
Moses asks how this will look to folks with other gods, like those stupid Egyptians, if God smotes all his people because he is unable to get them into the promised land. You've got to think about your street cred, God! Moses also reminds him that he is merciful (since when?), and he basically talks God down... because an all-knowing, loving God would need talked down. Caleb and Joshua earn special favor for their willingness to conquer Canaan but everyone else gets, you guessed it, 40 more years in the wilderness. "And your children shall wander in the wilderness forty years, and bear your whoredoms, until your carcases be wasted in the wilderness." I do hate bearing someone's whoredoms. For good measure, God afflicts a handful of them with a horrible plague and kills them. Are you listening, Hebrews? God will straight up murder your ass, so STFU already!
Then the Amalekites came down, and the Canaanites which dwelt in that hill, and smote them, and discomfited them, even unto Hormah. I'm stating the obvious here.
The Hebrews continue complaining in Chapter 14. They go so far as pondering a return to Egypt, where they were slaves... because that's going to be so much better. Morons! When Moses and Aaron get wind of this, they fall flat on their faces in frustration (I am not making this up). Caleb and Joshua address the crowd. How could everyone hear? There's well over a million people, maybe two. Anyway, they remind everyone they have God on their side and the Canaanites don't. The congregation is not convinced and calls for Caleb and Joshua to be stoned to death with stones (in case you're wondering how it's done). At this point, God flies off the handle. He has had enough of these doubters and complainers. He says, "I will smite them with the pestilence, and disinherit them, and will make of thee a greater nation and mightier than they." That's right, God says he'll kill the chosen people and come up with better ones. You didn't hear stories like this in Sunday school, now did you?
Moses asks how this will look to folks with other gods, like those stupid Egyptians, if God smotes all his people because he is unable to get them into the promised land. You've got to think about your street cred, God! Moses also reminds him that he is merciful (since when?), and he basically talks God down... because an all-knowing, loving God would need talked down. Caleb and Joshua earn special favor for their willingness to conquer Canaan but everyone else gets, you guessed it, 40 more years in the wilderness. "And your children shall wander in the wilderness forty years, and bear your whoredoms, until your carcases be wasted in the wilderness." I do hate bearing someone's whoredoms. For good measure, God afflicts a handful of them with a horrible plague and kills them. Are you listening, Hebrews? God will straight up murder your ass, so STFU already!
Then the Amalekites came down, and the Canaanites which dwelt in that hill, and smote them, and discomfited them, even unto Hormah. I'm stating the obvious here.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Numbers 11-12
Numbers has been mostly boring thus far, so Chapter 11 is a pleasant surprise. As the Hebrews journey towards the promised land, they start complaining about everything. This makes God very angry. You know how it is when you take the kids on a long car trip, and they start acting like spoiled brats. God's reaction is to light several of them on fire. He does have a temper, folks.
The chosen people don't take a hint and whine about being hungry. They are tired of eating manna, the bread that magically falls from the sky. They miss Egypt where they had better food. Even though they were slaves, at least they were well fed. This bitching and moaning makes Moses and God very wroth. Moses has carried these numskulls in his bosom, as a nursing father bearing the sucketh child (what?). And yet they bitch! He asks God to either kill him or shut these people up. God puts his spirit upon 70 elders so they can help Moses out, whatever that means. He then makes a bunch of quail rain down round about the camp. He's still furious and to make himself feel better about feeding these people, he afflicts the quail eaters with a horrible plague and kills them. And he called the name of that place Kibrothhattaavah: because there they buried the people that lusted. Obviously.
Chapter 12 reveals it isn't just the bratty minions who aren't getting along. Moses' siblings Aaron and Miriam are fussy as well. They don't like that Moses married an Ethiopian woman instead of an Israelite. They are also mad that God deals directly with Moses instead of including them. This makes God very wroth and he afflicts Miriam with leprosy. Aaron realizes he's in deep shit and pleads with Moses for mercy. Moses takes this message to God who heals Miriam after she is shut out of the camp for seven days. The entire group of one or two million people have to wait around for seven days until she's good to go.
Those who have not been murdered by God leave Hazeroth and head toward Paran.
The chosen people don't take a hint and whine about being hungry. They are tired of eating manna, the bread that magically falls from the sky. They miss Egypt where they had better food. Even though they were slaves, at least they were well fed. This bitching and moaning makes Moses and God very wroth. Moses has carried these numskulls in his bosom, as a nursing father bearing the sucketh child (what?). And yet they bitch! He asks God to either kill him or shut these people up. God puts his spirit upon 70 elders so they can help Moses out, whatever that means. He then makes a bunch of quail rain down round about the camp. He's still furious and to make himself feel better about feeding these people, he afflicts the quail eaters with a horrible plague and kills them. And he called the name of that place Kibrothhattaavah: because there they buried the people that lusted. Obviously.
Chapter 12 reveals it isn't just the bratty minions who aren't getting along. Moses' siblings Aaron and Miriam are fussy as well. They don't like that Moses married an Ethiopian woman instead of an Israelite. They are also mad that God deals directly with Moses instead of including them. This makes God very wroth and he afflicts Miriam with leprosy. Aaron realizes he's in deep shit and pleads with Moses for mercy. Moses takes this message to God who heals Miriam after she is shut out of the camp for seven days. The entire group of one or two million people have to wait around for seven days until she's good to go.
Those who have not been murdered by God leave Hazeroth and head toward Paran.
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