The most wonderful aspect of Leviticus is that it was easier to read than Exodus. It was mercifully shorter too. That's about all I have for you in the way of positives. Sad.
Leviticus spends a lot of time on rituals and animal sacrifice. We also learned that people are very bad, often unclean and perpetual sinners.
Back in the days of Adam and Eve, humans were vegetarians. During the time of Noah and the flood, we became meat eaters. By Leviticus, God is blood thirsty and pretty much loves dead animals. Hundreds if not thousands of animals are slaughtered in Leviticus. What the hell would God need with a dead animal anyway?
Moses is thought to be the author of this book. What a nice coincidence that the priests get to eat the meat of a burnt offering. The priests of course are Moses' kin.
This book is stupid. The end.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Leviticus 24-27
As you might expect, the Lord spake unto Moses some more in Leviticus 24. Aaron is to tend to the lamps and put out the bread in the tabernacle.
An "Israelitish woman's son" curses the Lord. Big mistake. He is brought before Moses and stoned to death. This chapter repeats a familiar phrase - eye for eye, tooth for tooth. Somehow that explains getting murdered for taking the Lord's name in vain. By this measure, I'd be dead about 20 million times over by now.
Big shock, but in Leviticus 25, the Lord spake unto Moses some more. Fields are to be planted for six years and left fallow during the seventh year. What is it with the number seven? Every 50 years, there will be a jubilee during which slaves will be released. So for all you slaves out there, hold out hope. It's just 50 short years to freedom. It's all part of God's plan, see?
Leviticus 26 explains that all will be well if you keep God's laws. You will be fruitful and live in a peaceful land. If you do not obey God's commandments, you will be punished seven times over. Your farming will go to shit. Wild beasts will rob you of your children and destroy your livestock. Pestilence will visit you, and ye shall be delivered into the hand of the enemy. The land will become desolate, and your family will be scattered around the land. Ye shall eat the flesh of your children, and God's soul will abhor you. But he's a just God who loves you.
Leviticus 27 explains the tithing process. Hey, God needs dough like everybody else. You can also tithe land and livestock - clean beasts only, please.
An "Israelitish woman's son" curses the Lord. Big mistake. He is brought before Moses and stoned to death. This chapter repeats a familiar phrase - eye for eye, tooth for tooth. Somehow that explains getting murdered for taking the Lord's name in vain. By this measure, I'd be dead about 20 million times over by now.
Big shock, but in Leviticus 25, the Lord spake unto Moses some more. Fields are to be planted for six years and left fallow during the seventh year. What is it with the number seven? Every 50 years, there will be a jubilee during which slaves will be released. So for all you slaves out there, hold out hope. It's just 50 short years to freedom. It's all part of God's plan, see?
Leviticus 26 explains that all will be well if you keep God's laws. You will be fruitful and live in a peaceful land. If you do not obey God's commandments, you will be punished seven times over. Your farming will go to shit. Wild beasts will rob you of your children and destroy your livestock. Pestilence will visit you, and ye shall be delivered into the hand of the enemy. The land will become desolate, and your family will be scattered around the land. Ye shall eat the flesh of your children, and God's soul will abhor you. But he's a just God who loves you.
Leviticus 27 explains the tithing process. Hey, God needs dough like everybody else. You can also tithe land and livestock - clean beasts only, please.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Leviticus 22-23
Leviticus 22 explains the eating of an offering. Of course only priests get to partake, and only the best, unblemished animals are to be sacrificed. Quite a racket the sons of Aaron have going.
If a priest is unclean - say, leprosy or a case of the clap - he cannot eat the meat of an offering. You can also become unclean by touching an unclean thing, a dead thing or a creeping thing. To become clean, wash yourself and wait until evening.
Strangers aren't allowed to eat the meat of an offering, but slaves purchased by priests can. What a nice little perk for them. If a priest's daughter marries a foreigner, she is out of the meat offering diners club. But if the ole gal becomes widowed or divorced, doesn't have kids, and comes crawling home to daddy, she's back in again.
There's also rules on how long to keep a bull, sheep or goat before slaughtering it and some other related nonsense, but who cares? God ends this chapter by reminding us not to take his name in vain. He's very uptight about this.
Chapter 23 outlines the feast days and how to handle the sacrificial animal, bread and whatnot. There's wave offerings and drink offerings and so on and so forth. A memorial blowing of the trumpets. A day of atonement. Waving your sheaf before the Lord. Rejoicing by the willows of the brook. And ye shall dwell in booths (tents) seven days.
If a priest is unclean - say, leprosy or a case of the clap - he cannot eat the meat of an offering. You can also become unclean by touching an unclean thing, a dead thing or a creeping thing. To become clean, wash yourself and wait until evening.
Strangers aren't allowed to eat the meat of an offering, but slaves purchased by priests can. What a nice little perk for them. If a priest's daughter marries a foreigner, she is out of the meat offering diners club. But if the ole gal becomes widowed or divorced, doesn't have kids, and comes crawling home to daddy, she's back in again.
There's also rules on how long to keep a bull, sheep or goat before slaughtering it and some other related nonsense, but who cares? God ends this chapter by reminding us not to take his name in vain. He's very uptight about this.
Chapter 23 outlines the feast days and how to handle the sacrificial animal, bread and whatnot. There's wave offerings and drink offerings and so on and so forth. A memorial blowing of the trumpets. A day of atonement. Waving your sheaf before the Lord. Rejoicing by the willows of the brook. And ye shall dwell in booths (tents) seven days.
Leviticus 19-21
God spake unto Moses some more in Leviticus 19, continuing with his instruction on how to be holy. Molten images and taking God's name in vain are still out of the question, but offerings of various dead animals continue to please the Lord greatly. Don't steal, don't deal falsely with others, don't curse the deaf, and don't put a stumbling block in front of a blind person. It's also very important that you refrain from rounding the corners of your head or your beard. If you force yourself on your slave and she's engaged, she will be scourged. Great news though - she won't be put to death because she was not free to decide on the sex connection. So if she's raped, she won't be murdered? Thanks, God! Also, stand up as a gesture of respect to old people, don't mix cattle breeds, and don't get any tattoos.
Favorite verse in Leviticus 19: "Do not prostitute thy daughter, to cause her to be a whore; lest the land fall to whoredom, and the land become full of wickedness." Don't sell your daughter into prostitution, but not because you're concerned for her welfare. Be more concerned with the state of the land, like any good parent would.
The Lord continues to drone on to Moses in Leviticus 20, but he's getting more agitated about all his rules and regulations. God brings up Molech again. Instead of just saying not to worship this counterfeit god, he says you'll be stoned to death if you do. You don't have to read very much of the bible to see how various religions and sects justify murdering people of differing views.
Those who commit adultery or have homosexual sex will be executed. For I am the LORD your God. The next time some numskull says homosexuality is immoral, tell them this part of the bible also says you'll be executed if you curse your parents. If a man sleeps with a gal on the rag (if he uncovers her fountain of blood), they will be cut off from the chosen people forever. How did they police this one? If a man fucks an animal, he will be put to death. And so will the animal. Jesus.
Leviticus 21 focuses more on the sons of Aaron, the priests. They are not to shave their heads, cut their beards or get tattoos. High priests are to keep their heads covered and their clothing in order. They are to marry virgins, not widows, divorcees or harlots. They must not be near dead bodies. This would make it hard to officiate at funerals, no?
The best part of this chapter is the list of who is not eligible for the priesthood. Let's say you're a son of Aaron and are super devoted to the Lord your God. Well, that's not good enough. You're forbidden from becoming a priest if you have a blemish, are blind, lame, have a flat nose or anything superfluous. You are similarly unwelcome if you are brokenfooted, brokenhanded, crook backed, a dwarf, have a blemish in your eye, have scurvy, scabs or are infertile ("broken stones"). You are not holy if you are any of these things. Scram, ugly folk.
Favorite verse in Leviticus 19: "Do not prostitute thy daughter, to cause her to be a whore; lest the land fall to whoredom, and the land become full of wickedness." Don't sell your daughter into prostitution, but not because you're concerned for her welfare. Be more concerned with the state of the land, like any good parent would.
The Lord continues to drone on to Moses in Leviticus 20, but he's getting more agitated about all his rules and regulations. God brings up Molech again. Instead of just saying not to worship this counterfeit god, he says you'll be stoned to death if you do. You don't have to read very much of the bible to see how various religions and sects justify murdering people of differing views.
Those who commit adultery or have homosexual sex will be executed. For I am the LORD your God. The next time some numskull says homosexuality is immoral, tell them this part of the bible also says you'll be executed if you curse your parents. If a man sleeps with a gal on the rag (if he uncovers her fountain of blood), they will be cut off from the chosen people forever. How did they police this one? If a man fucks an animal, he will be put to death. And so will the animal. Jesus.
Leviticus 21 focuses more on the sons of Aaron, the priests. They are not to shave their heads, cut their beards or get tattoos. High priests are to keep their heads covered and their clothing in order. They are to marry virgins, not widows, divorcees or harlots. They must not be near dead bodies. This would make it hard to officiate at funerals, no?
The best part of this chapter is the list of who is not eligible for the priesthood. Let's say you're a son of Aaron and are super devoted to the Lord your God. Well, that's not good enough. You're forbidden from becoming a priest if you have a blemish, are blind, lame, have a flat nose or anything superfluous. You are similarly unwelcome if you are brokenfooted, brokenhanded, crook backed, a dwarf, have a blemish in your eye, have scurvy, scabs or are infertile ("broken stones"). You are not holy if you are any of these things. Scram, ugly folk.
Leviticus 18
It turns out that celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is quite time consuming. I have my work cut out for me finishing Leviticus by the end of the month, but I know that through Him all things are possible. Also, I've already read it. I just need to write up my thoughts.
We have reached the chapter on sexual behavior. Because verse 22 gets so much attention, I'm going to spend this entire post on one chapter.
We see "I am the LORD" six times in a 30-verse chapter. It's just randomly tacked onto the ends of various verses. Try that sometime in your everyday speech, and LORD is always capitalized so put a big emphasis on that. It's in the bible; it must be right.
OK, enough banter. And the Lord spake unto Moses:
We have reached the chapter on sexual behavior. Because verse 22 gets so much attention, I'm going to spend this entire post on one chapter.
We see "I am the LORD" six times in a 30-verse chapter. It's just randomly tacked onto the ends of various verses. Try that sometime in your everyday speech, and LORD is always capitalized so put a big emphasis on that. It's in the bible; it must be right.
OK, enough banter. And the Lord spake unto Moses:
- Do not uncover the nakedness of any of your kin. You would think this covers the topic of getting naked with any family members, but no. God spells out the many variations, so listen up.
- Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father and mother. Various bible translations say "have sex connection" instead of uncovering nakedness. So don't take your parents' pants off, and don't fuck them (your parents, not your pants).
- Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father's wife, also known as your mother.
- Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy sister, whether she be born at home or born abroad.
- Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy son's daughter or of thy daughter's daughter. Sons are OK though.
- Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father's wife's daughter. I think we have some overlap here with #4.
- Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father's sister.
- Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy mother's sister. OK, so no aunt fucking. Glad that took two shalt nots.
- Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father's brother or his wife. Again, why not just leave it at "kin"?
- Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy daughter-in-law. Sons-in-law are fair game though.
- Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy brother's wife, although your sister's husband is up for grabs.
- Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of a woman and her daughter, neither shalt thou take her son's daughter, or her daughter's daughter. This variation is "wickedness." Obviously.
- Neither shalt thou take a wife to her sister, to vex [her], to uncover her nakedness, beside the other in her life [time]. What?
- Thou shalt not have a sex connection with a woman on the rag. God really hates that.
- Thou shalt not lie carnally with thy neighbor's wife, to defile thyself with her. Didn't the all encompassing and perfect Ten Commandments already cover this one?
- And then we have an oddball one about worshiping other gods: Thou shalt not let any of thy seed (aka children) pass through the fire to Molech (a rival god), neither shalt thou profane the name of thy God. Again with taking God's name in vain. Why is God so insecure about this?
- I'm directly quoting this verse, since it gets so much attention: "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it [is] abomination." You hear that, Adam and Steve? God is clear on this one, pree-verts. It is abomination!
- Neither shalt thou lie with any beast to defile thyself therewith: neither shall any woman stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it [is] confusion. So no screwing of the livestock.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Leviticus 16-17
Sometimes I think I should explain more about the footnotes and what this bible babble supposedly means. For example, Leviticus 16 is the foundation of Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement. Then I think, if you want to become a biblical scholar, I might not be your best resource. So if you're wondering why I don't say something that's obvious about a given reading, it probably was not obvious to me as I read this POS. And/or I don't care.
And now, I'll continue summarizing and commenting on my reading in any way I see fit.
The children of Israel are to meet once a year for a mass sin offering. There's dead animals and blood sprinkling and the standard slaughter rituals we've grown accustomed to by now. To me the most interesting thing in Leviticus 16 was the introduction of the scapegoat. Did you know that pushing the blame on an innocent party has a biblical origin? In this case, the priest symbolically places the sins of the Hebrews on the head of a goat. So the first scapegoat was literally a goat. Wild.
If you kill an ox, lamb or goat, and it's not for the purposes of an offering, then you'll be cut off from the chosen people forever. If you eat an animal that died of natural causes or was killed by another animal, you are unclean until the evening and need to wash your clothes. Leviticus 17 rehashes the same tired old dead animal rituals: sprinkling the blood round about the altar and so on.
And they shall no more offer their sacrifices unto devils, after whom they have gone a whoring. What?
If you eat blood (WTF??) you're also out of the gang, for the life of the flesh is in the blood. Also, eating blood would be disgusting.
Short summary today but this book is so GD repetitive. Gear up for next time - Leviticus 18 has some absolute gold about nakedness. It also reveals there's no Adam and Steve... or does it?
And now, I'll continue summarizing and commenting on my reading in any way I see fit.
The children of Israel are to meet once a year for a mass sin offering. There's dead animals and blood sprinkling and the standard slaughter rituals we've grown accustomed to by now. To me the most interesting thing in Leviticus 16 was the introduction of the scapegoat. Did you know that pushing the blame on an innocent party has a biblical origin? In this case, the priest symbolically places the sins of the Hebrews on the head of a goat. So the first scapegoat was literally a goat. Wild.
If you kill an ox, lamb or goat, and it's not for the purposes of an offering, then you'll be cut off from the chosen people forever. If you eat an animal that died of natural causes or was killed by another animal, you are unclean until the evening and need to wash your clothes. Leviticus 17 rehashes the same tired old dead animal rituals: sprinkling the blood round about the altar and so on.
And they shall no more offer their sacrifices unto devils, after whom they have gone a whoring. What?
If you eat blood (WTF??) you're also out of the gang, for the life of the flesh is in the blood. Also, eating blood would be disgusting.
Short summary today but this book is so GD repetitive. Gear up for next time - Leviticus 18 has some absolute gold about nakedness. It also reveals there's no Adam and Steve... or does it?
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Leviticus 13-15
When the plague of leprosy is in you, visit a priest. That's right. Don't go to the doctor. Hightail it to a priest. He will look at your rising of the flesh, scab or bright spot and determine if you have the plague or just a garden variety boil. The color of the sore is meaningful, as is the color of any hair found in the pus bubbles.
If you are afflicted, you will be quarantined. You will need to wash your clothes or maybe even burn them. You might need to shave off all your hair including your eyebrows and beard. Interesting that our timeless God didn't understand we'd conquer leprosy in due time. Or maybe he did realize it -- he is all knowing, after all -- but decided it was still one of the most important things to cover in his holy book.
The Lord tells Moses and Aaron he will afflict some Canaanites with leprosy. They will provide offerings to Aaron or one of his priests, and their houses will be boarded up with stones and plaster. Those poor folks aren't going to know what hit them. And what an immoral, mean thing to do. What have the Canaanites done wrong? Nothing. They just live in the wrong place.
Now it is time for an offering. Find two birds, cedar wood, scarlet and hyssop. Kill one bird. The priest will take the other items and dip them in the blood of the dead bird. He will sprinkle blood on the leper seven times and set the living bird free. The leper will be pronounced clean. Unless he's still unclean, that is. More shaving and ritual sacrifice will ensue, this time two lambs and a ewe. If the leper is poor, one lamb and two turtledoves or pigeons are acceptable. Blood and oil will be rubbed on the leper's right ear, thumb and big toe. The priest will make an atonement and the leper will be clean. If the priest gets mixed up and rubs the bloody oil on your left ear, thumb and toe, I guess you're screwed.
Leviticus 15 addresses man's uncleanness in his issue. Bible translations call it an issue of the seed, unclean flow or discharge. We have unnatural issues (like gonorrhea) and natural issues (semen). Anything a man has worn, touched or sat on when he has his issue is unclean. If you touch anything the unclean man has touched, you too are unclean (so pretty much the entire world is unclean?). After washing up and waiting the required amount of time, your final step to purification involves... can anyone guess? Prayer? Community service? More jacking off? No, sorry. The answer is animal sacrifice.
If a man's seed of copulation touches his wife, they're both unclean. Figure that one out. You'll be shocked to learn that menstruating women are unclean. Everything a gal on the rag wears, sits on, looks at or thinks about it is unclean too. She needs to be locked up for seven days and then take two turtledoves or pigeons to a priest. He will burn them and make an atonement to the Lord for her uncleanness. God created this whole period business, and yet he has a problem with it. He's pretty much an ignorant dick during today's reading. So tell me, if one of the priests gets leprosy, does he dab himself with blood and oil? And if God jacks off, does he offer an animal sacrifice to himself?
If you are afflicted, you will be quarantined. You will need to wash your clothes or maybe even burn them. You might need to shave off all your hair including your eyebrows and beard. Interesting that our timeless God didn't understand we'd conquer leprosy in due time. Or maybe he did realize it -- he is all knowing, after all -- but decided it was still one of the most important things to cover in his holy book.
The Lord tells Moses and Aaron he will afflict some Canaanites with leprosy. They will provide offerings to Aaron or one of his priests, and their houses will be boarded up with stones and plaster. Those poor folks aren't going to know what hit them. And what an immoral, mean thing to do. What have the Canaanites done wrong? Nothing. They just live in the wrong place.
Now it is time for an offering. Find two birds, cedar wood, scarlet and hyssop. Kill one bird. The priest will take the other items and dip them in the blood of the dead bird. He will sprinkle blood on the leper seven times and set the living bird free. The leper will be pronounced clean. Unless he's still unclean, that is. More shaving and ritual sacrifice will ensue, this time two lambs and a ewe. If the leper is poor, one lamb and two turtledoves or pigeons are acceptable. Blood and oil will be rubbed on the leper's right ear, thumb and big toe. The priest will make an atonement and the leper will be clean. If the priest gets mixed up and rubs the bloody oil on your left ear, thumb and toe, I guess you're screwed.
Leviticus 15 addresses man's uncleanness in his issue. Bible translations call it an issue of the seed, unclean flow or discharge. We have unnatural issues (like gonorrhea) and natural issues (semen). Anything a man has worn, touched or sat on when he has his issue is unclean. If you touch anything the unclean man has touched, you too are unclean (so pretty much the entire world is unclean?). After washing up and waiting the required amount of time, your final step to purification involves... can anyone guess? Prayer? Community service? More jacking off? No, sorry. The answer is animal sacrifice.
If a man's seed of copulation touches his wife, they're both unclean. Figure that one out. You'll be shocked to learn that menstruating women are unclean. Everything a gal on the rag wears, sits on, looks at or thinks about it is unclean too. She needs to be locked up for seven days and then take two turtledoves or pigeons to a priest. He will burn them and make an atonement to the Lord for her uncleanness. God created this whole period business, and yet he has a problem with it. He's pretty much an ignorant dick during today's reading. So tell me, if one of the priests gets leprosy, does he dab himself with blood and oil? And if God jacks off, does he offer an animal sacrifice to himself?
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Leviticus 9-12
After Moses and the gang's seven days in the tabernacle are up, guess what the first item on the agenda is? That's right, animal sacrifice - a calf and baby goat for a sin offering; a ram, calf and lamb for a burnt offering; a bull and ram for a peace offering; and a meat offering mingled with oil. And Moses said, this is the thing which the Lord commanded that ye should do: and the glory of the Lord shall appear unto you. Thankfully there is a never ending supply of animals to slaughter, or I don't know what we'd do.
Aaron and sons carry out the familiar rituals - mutilating the dead animals, sprinkling blood round about, washing the inwards, smearing blood on the altar, waving the breast and right shoulder in the air, and so on. This pleases the Lord very much, for "the glory of the Lord" appeared before the people. I'm not sure if he's in person form or if it's one of his shape shifter incarnations. A fire came out from before the Lord and consumed the burnt offering and the fat. When the people saw, they shouted and fell on their faces. My goodness that is a hilarious visual.
Just as everything is moving along swimmingly, tragedy befalls us. Aaron's sons Nadab and Abihu mix up some incense and fire at the altar. Standard stuff, but the only problem is God has not commanded them to do so. Penalty: death. You pull a stunt like that and you've got it coming. God blasts them both with flames and murders them. Moses instructs the remaining kin to carry the toasty departed out of the camp and explains how to avoid the same fate.
The Lord spake unto Aaron, instructing him and his sons not to drink wine or strong drink in the tabernacle. Penalty: death. God also clarifies his expectations on sin offerings, wave offerings, peace offerings and heave offerings.
I bet you have many questions about what is clean and unclean and what you can eateth. Some guidelines:
Next up: leprosy. A plague on the skin of thy flesh.
Aaron and sons carry out the familiar rituals - mutilating the dead animals, sprinkling blood round about, washing the inwards, smearing blood on the altar, waving the breast and right shoulder in the air, and so on. This pleases the Lord very much, for "the glory of the Lord" appeared before the people. I'm not sure if he's in person form or if it's one of his shape shifter incarnations. A fire came out from before the Lord and consumed the burnt offering and the fat. When the people saw, they shouted and fell on their faces. My goodness that is a hilarious visual.
Just as everything is moving along swimmingly, tragedy befalls us. Aaron's sons Nadab and Abihu mix up some incense and fire at the altar. Standard stuff, but the only problem is God has not commanded them to do so. Penalty: death. You pull a stunt like that and you've got it coming. God blasts them both with flames and murders them. Moses instructs the remaining kin to carry the toasty departed out of the camp and explains how to avoid the same fate.
The Lord spake unto Aaron, instructing him and his sons not to drink wine or strong drink in the tabernacle. Penalty: death. God also clarifies his expectations on sin offerings, wave offerings, peace offerings and heave offerings.
I bet you have many questions about what is clean and unclean and what you can eateth. Some guidelines:
- Livestock: If it has parted hooves, is cloven footed and cheweth the cud, it is clean and you may eat of it. Swine, camels, coneys and hares are out. Do not eat them or touch their carcasses.
- Fish: If it has fins and scales, it is clean and you may eat of it. Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters is an abomination. I guess that's why we don't eat dolphins. Sidenote: "abomination" is used four times here, so God is serious about this one. If I were you, I wouldn't eat any shrimp.
- Fowls: It is an abomination to eat the eagle (regular and gier), ossifrage, osprey, vulture, raven, owl (little, regular and great), hawk (regular and night), cuckow, cormorant, swan, pelican, stork, heron, lapwing and bat.
- Flying creeping things: You may eat of every flying creeping thing that goeth upon all four, which have legs above their feet, to leap withal upon the earth. Great news: we can eat beetles, grasshoppers and locusts. The other flying creeping things that have four feet are an abomination and you are not to even touch their carcasses (should this happen, you are unclean until nightfall and need to wash your clothes).
- Creeping things that creep upon the earth: Do not touch or eat the weasel, mouse, tortoise, ferret, chameleon, lizard, snail or mole. Where these creatures die is unclean. If one croaks in an earthen vessel, break it.
Next up: leprosy. A plague on the skin of thy flesh.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Leviticus 8
The Lord spake unto Moses, instructing him to gather Aaron and sons along with special clothes, oil, a bull, two rams and some unleavened bread. It's going to be a wild night, boys. They scamper to the tabernacle, wash and dress one another, then anoint each other with oil. And he girded him with the girdle, and clothed him with the robe, and put the ephod upon him, and he girded him with the curious girdle of the ephod, and bound it unto him therewith. Hey, it gets lonely in the desert. I'm not here to judge. He put the breastplate upon him and the mitre upon thy head. And he oiled him with the curious oil of his head. And he rubbed his ephod upon him. Gird! Gird! Gird! Again! Again! Again!
So everyone smokes a cigarette, and it's time for round 2. Moses anoints the tabernacle, sprinkling oil thereof upon the altar seven times to sanctify it. He sprinkles oil on Aaron, does more girding with girdles and puts bonnets on everyone. Then for the big finish, they murder the bull and smear its blood on the altar.
Now it's time to mutilate the dead bull. First they burn the fat, caul and kidneys on the altar. Next they take the skin, flesh and poo poo and burn it outside. With that out of the way, they murder ram #1. They sprinkle some blood round about the altar, then chop the ram into pieces and burn it. It's a sweet savour unto the Lord. And what could be sweeter really?
They set their sites on the remaining ram who has to be shitting itself by now, don't you think? It doesn't suffer long. They kill it of course, and Moses smears its blood on the tip of Aaron's right ear, right thumb and right big toe. He likes this so much he repeats the process with each of Aaron's sons.
Moses takes the ram's fat, rump, all the fat that was upon the inwards, the caul above the liver, the two kidneys and their fat, and the right shoulder. He grabs one unleavened cake, a cake of oiled bread and one wafer, and sets them on top of the fat and right shoulder. Moses and company wave these pieces and parts in the air as a wave offering. They burn everything as a burnt offering, a sweet savour unto the Lord. Moses waves the burned breast in the air, then sprinkles anointing oil and leftover ram's blood all over his brother and nephews. They boil the remaining ram flesh, eat it with some bread (unleavened, of course), and burn the leftovers.
Moses and the gang are to stay in the tabernacle and keep watch for seven days. The Lord hath commanded them to do this, so they die not.
So everyone smokes a cigarette, and it's time for round 2. Moses anoints the tabernacle, sprinkling oil thereof upon the altar seven times to sanctify it. He sprinkles oil on Aaron, does more girding with girdles and puts bonnets on everyone. Then for the big finish, they murder the bull and smear its blood on the altar.
Now it's time to mutilate the dead bull. First they burn the fat, caul and kidneys on the altar. Next they take the skin, flesh and poo poo and burn it outside. With that out of the way, they murder ram #1. They sprinkle some blood round about the altar, then chop the ram into pieces and burn it. It's a sweet savour unto the Lord. And what could be sweeter really?
They set their sites on the remaining ram who has to be shitting itself by now, don't you think? It doesn't suffer long. They kill it of course, and Moses smears its blood on the tip of Aaron's right ear, right thumb and right big toe. He likes this so much he repeats the process with each of Aaron's sons.
Moses takes the ram's fat, rump, all the fat that was upon the inwards, the caul above the liver, the two kidneys and their fat, and the right shoulder. He grabs one unleavened cake, a cake of oiled bread and one wafer, and sets them on top of the fat and right shoulder. Moses and company wave these pieces and parts in the air as a wave offering. They burn everything as a burnt offering, a sweet savour unto the Lord. Moses waves the burned breast in the air, then sprinkles anointing oil and leftover ram's blood all over his brother and nephews. They boil the remaining ram flesh, eat it with some bread (unleavened, of course), and burn the leftovers.
Moses and the gang are to stay in the tabernacle and keep watch for seven days. The Lord hath commanded them to do this, so they die not.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Leviticus 5-7
Forgiveness of sins remains a gory business in Leviticus 5-7. You have your burnt offering, peace offering, meat offering, sin offering, wave offering, heave offering and trespass offering. It's a bad time to be an unblemished ram in Sinai. In some circumstances, if you can't kill a lamb, then two turtledoves or pigeons are acceptable. God is also agreeable to offerings of silver. Hey, he's got bills to pay just like everyone else.
When priests burn an offering, they wear special linen breeches. They change clothes when they carry the ashes to a clean place. Cooking methods are advancing because meat offerings are now breaded with flour and fried. The bible also reveals that Aaron and sons will eateth the "remainder" of the offering, I guess meaning whatever God doesn't chow down on first. Don't forget the unleavened cakes and wafers. Those are delicious dipped in oil.
Numerous rules explain how to cook the meat, sprinkle the blood, clean the vessel, handle the ashes and so on. This probably becomes quite routine after slaughtering your umpteenth animal. For best results, the priests should eat an offering the day it is burned. Leftovers have a specific shelf life. If the flesh of the sacrifice be eaten on the third day, it shall not be accepted, neither shall it be imputed unto him that offereth it: it shall be an abomination, and the soul that eateth of it shall bear his iniquity.
The fat of a sacrified ox, sheep or goat is particularly troublesome. If you eat this unclean substance, you will be cut off from the chosen people forever. The same rule applies if the beast dies of natural causes or is ripped apart by other animals. For peace offerings, the priest will burn the fat, then eat the baked breast. Aaron gets first dibs on the right shoulder.
When priests burn an offering, they wear special linen breeches. They change clothes when they carry the ashes to a clean place. Cooking methods are advancing because meat offerings are now breaded with flour and fried. The bible also reveals that Aaron and sons will eateth the "remainder" of the offering, I guess meaning whatever God doesn't chow down on first. Don't forget the unleavened cakes and wafers. Those are delicious dipped in oil.
Numerous rules explain how to cook the meat, sprinkle the blood, clean the vessel, handle the ashes and so on. This probably becomes quite routine after slaughtering your umpteenth animal. For best results, the priests should eat an offering the day it is burned. Leftovers have a specific shelf life. If the flesh of the sacrifice be eaten on the third day, it shall not be accepted, neither shall it be imputed unto him that offereth it: it shall be an abomination, and the soul that eateth of it shall bear his iniquity.
The fat of a sacrified ox, sheep or goat is particularly troublesome. If you eat this unclean substance, you will be cut off from the chosen people forever. The same rule applies if the beast dies of natural causes or is ripped apart by other animals. For peace offerings, the priest will burn the fat, then eat the baked breast. Aaron gets first dibs on the right shoulder.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Leviticus 2-4
Meal Offerings
It is time for a meal offering unto the Lord. God sure does work up an appetite smiting the wicked. Step one is to give Aaron and sons some flour, oil and frankincense to be burned at the altar. Then hand over your unleavened cakes. Unleavened wafers are also acceptable. God is flexible on this one as long as it's unleavened. For ye shall burn no leaven, nor any honey, in any offering made by fire. And the priest shall burn the beaten corn.
Apparently Aaron, I mean God, doesn't like bland meat. With all thine offerings thou shalt offer salt. Also, bring fruit. Make it the good stuff and don't burn it. Aaron and his crew are getting pretty fat by now I would imagine. Pretty good gig they have going, instructing everyone what God wants and doesn't want.
Peace Offerings
If the children of Israel sin by breaking any of God's commandments, take a young unblemished bull to the tabernacle. Kill it before the Lord, and the priest will sprinkle its blood seven times in the sanctuary. Be sure and count because if he messes up and only sprinkles six times, your sins are totally not forgiven. Pour the blood at the base of the altar. Offer the fat as a sin offering. Burn the liver, kidneys and caul. Then take the bull's skin, flesh, head, legs, inwards and dung to a clean place and burn with some wood. These same steps are to be followed if the entire congregation sins.
If a ruler sins, take pretty much all the same steps except kill a goat this time. I'm stating the obvious here, but you'll want to skip the seven times blood sprinkling.
If "common people" (non-Hebrews) sin, offer a baby goat. Slay it for a sin offering in the place where they kill the burnt offering. The priest will put some goat blood on his finger and rub it on the horns of the altar. Burn the mutilated baby goat and the sins will be forgiven.
It is time for a meal offering unto the Lord. God sure does work up an appetite smiting the wicked. Step one is to give Aaron and sons some flour, oil and frankincense to be burned at the altar. Then hand over your unleavened cakes. Unleavened wafers are also acceptable. God is flexible on this one as long as it's unleavened. For ye shall burn no leaven, nor any honey, in any offering made by fire. And the priest shall burn the beaten corn.
Apparently Aaron, I mean God, doesn't like bland meat. With all thine offerings thou shalt offer salt. Also, bring fruit. Make it the good stuff and don't burn it. Aaron and his crew are getting pretty fat by now I would imagine. Pretty good gig they have going, instructing everyone what God wants and doesn't want.
Peace Offerings
- If your peace offering is a bull: Kill an unblemished male or female. Sprinkle its blood upon the altar round about. I think you get rid of the kidneys, liver, fat and caul, then burn the rest for a sweet savour unto the Lord. King James is kind of sloppy in his use of the word "it" which makes the rules difficult to follow. You might want to reference this chapter before you slay your next bull.
- If your peace offering is a lamb: Kill an unblemished male or female. The fat and the whole rump, it shall ye take off hard by the backbone. Again with the kidneys and caul and burning whatnots at the altar. What could be more peaceful than a dismembered lamb.
- If your peace offering is a goat: Kill and gut it appropriately. Burn it for a sweet savour unto the Lord. All the fat is the Lord's. He likes to put it in a coffee can and use it the next time he makes green beans.
If the children of Israel sin by breaking any of God's commandments, take a young unblemished bull to the tabernacle. Kill it before the Lord, and the priest will sprinkle its blood seven times in the sanctuary. Be sure and count because if he messes up and only sprinkles six times, your sins are totally not forgiven. Pour the blood at the base of the altar. Offer the fat as a sin offering. Burn the liver, kidneys and caul. Then take the bull's skin, flesh, head, legs, inwards and dung to a clean place and burn with some wood. These same steps are to be followed if the entire congregation sins.
If a ruler sins, take pretty much all the same steps except kill a goat this time. I'm stating the obvious here, but you'll want to skip the seven times blood sprinkling.
If "common people" (non-Hebrews) sin, offer a baby goat. Slay it for a sin offering in the place where they kill the burnt offering. The priest will put some goat blood on his finger and rub it on the horns of the altar. Burn the mutilated baby goat and the sins will be forgiven.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Leviticus 1
We begin Leviticus by bringing offerings unto the Lord. Some guidelines:
- Bulls: Kill an unblemished male, and Aaron's sons will sprinkle the blood around the tabernacle door just the way God likes it. Skin the animal and chop it into pieces. Make sure you set the pieces and parts on the fire in a very specific order, or else. The innards and legs are to be washed then burned.
- Sheep and Goats: Kill an unblemished male on the north side of the altar, and Aaron's sons will sprinkle the blood around the altar just the way God likes it. Again with the skinning, chopping and specific ordering of the guts on the fire. The innards and legs are to be washed then burned.
- Turtledoves and Pigeons: Kill it, then rip off its head. Squeeze out its blood on the side of the altar. Pluck the feathers on the east side of the altar. Crack the skeleton, but don't break it completely in half. Toss with olive oil and bake at 425 degrees for 20-25 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the bird comes out clean.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)