When the plague of leprosy is in you, visit a priest. That's right. Don't go to the doctor. Hightail it to a priest. He will look at your rising of the flesh, scab or bright spot and determine if you have the plague or just a garden variety boil. The color of the sore is meaningful, as is the color of any hair found in the pus bubbles.
If you are afflicted, you will be quarantined. You will need to wash your clothes or maybe even burn them. You might need to shave off all your hair including your eyebrows and beard. Interesting that our timeless God didn't understand we'd conquer leprosy in due time. Or maybe he did realize it -- he is all knowing, after all -- but decided it was still one of the most important things to cover in his holy book.
The Lord tells Moses and Aaron he will afflict some Canaanites with leprosy. They will provide offerings to Aaron or one of his priests, and their houses will be boarded up with stones and plaster. Those poor folks aren't going to know what hit them. And what an immoral, mean thing to do. What have the Canaanites done wrong? Nothing. They just live in the wrong place.
Now it is time for an offering. Find two birds, cedar wood, scarlet and hyssop. Kill one bird. The priest will take the other items and dip them in the blood of the dead bird. He will sprinkle blood on the leper seven times and set the living bird free. The leper will be pronounced clean. Unless he's still unclean, that is. More shaving and ritual sacrifice will ensue, this time two lambs and a ewe. If the leper is poor, one lamb and two turtledoves or pigeons are acceptable. Blood and oil will be rubbed on the leper's right ear, thumb and big toe. The priest will make an atonement and the leper will be clean. If the priest gets mixed up and rubs the bloody oil on your left ear, thumb and toe, I guess you're screwed.
Leviticus 15 addresses man's uncleanness in his issue. Bible translations call it an issue of the seed, unclean flow or discharge. We have unnatural issues (like gonorrhea) and natural issues (semen). Anything a man has worn, touched or sat on when he has his issue is unclean. If you touch anything the unclean man has touched, you too are unclean (so pretty much the entire world is unclean?). After washing up and waiting the required amount of time, your final step to purification involves... can anyone guess? Prayer? Community service? More jacking off? No, sorry. The answer is animal sacrifice.
If a man's seed of copulation touches his wife, they're both unclean. Figure that one out. You'll be shocked to learn that menstruating women are unclean. Everything a gal on the rag wears, sits on, looks at or thinks about it is unclean too. She needs to be locked up for seven days and then take two turtledoves or pigeons to a priest. He will burn them and make an atonement to the Lord for her uncleanness. God created this whole period business, and yet he has a problem with it. He's pretty much an ignorant dick during today's reading. So tell me, if one of the priests gets leprosy, does he dab himself with blood and oil? And if God jacks off, does he offer an animal sacrifice to himself?
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