It's time for Passover, boys and girls. Those who have been made unclean by a dead body must make an atonement before they can participate, but then it's go time. Passover rituals ensue, then God shows up as the helpful pillar of cloud to guide their journey away from Mt. Sinai.
Now that we're finally moving toward Canaan, God explains how to keep the group together and on task. Instead of just, you know, appearing to everyone and explaining what to do, a complex series of trumpet blasts will be used. There's the blast of one trumpet, the blast of two trumpets, and one or two alarm sounds. When the congregation is to be gathered together, ye shall blow, but ye shall not sound an alarm. Duh.
Trumpets are to be sounded over peace offerings and burnt offerings. No word on what to do about meal offerings or drink offerings. If Moses and the gang find themselves in a vicious cockfight with the enemy, they are to sound a trumpet alarm. This will alert God that he needs to step in and save them from the bad guys. This implies that God is not always paying attention to or protecting his chosen people, and the blast of a trumpet will cause him to tune back in. I guess it's probably time consuming running the entire universe, and the guy just needs some quiet time to zone out.
Chapter 10 helpfully lists all the tribes taking part in this journey, in case they haven't been listed enough already. This is the most repetitive, poorly written POS e-v-e-r. Here's but a sample: "And over the host of the tribe of the children of Manasseh was Gamaliel the son of Pedahzur." Very important detail to include in the good book over and over again, no? At least we're finally moving toward the land of milk and honey, so I can't complain too much. I do love honey.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Numbers 6-8
And the Lord spake unto Moses in Chapter 6, explaining how to become a Nazarite. Judging by other bible translations, it looks like this is a clergy person. You take an oath to keep yourself separate and give yourself to the Lord. Par-tay. To be a good Nazarite, it's crucial that you grow out your hair. Drinking wine is prohibited. In fact, all varieties of grapes (moist and dried) must be avoided at all times. Stay away from dead bodies while you're at it. There is one potential snag. Say you go through the steps to become a Nazarite and then someone drops dead next to you, touching your hair on the way to the ground. Then you have to shave your head and start over. Take two turtles or two young pigeons to a priest, one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering. God would like some unleavened bread, oil and a drink offering at this time. Pizza Rolls would be a good choice too.
In Chapter 7, the leader of each tribe presents an offering before the Lord. This goes on for 89 verses and I considered flinging myself out the window rather than read it. I split the difference and just skimmed it. The sons of Gershon give two wagons and four oxen. God needs those. The sons of Helon, Shedeur, Zurishaddai, Huey, Dewey and Luey each take a turn. There are spoons of gold, shekels of this and that, one year old lambs, goats, silver chargers (huh?), gold, incense and more. Everyone piles their gifts on the altar in the tabernacle for a dedication.
God spake unto Moses some more in Chapter 8, this time focusing on the Levites. First, Aaron lights the lamps. The candlesticks are to be made of beaten gold, unto the shaft thereof. Now that's my kind of candlestick. The Levites clean themselves by sprinkling water, washing their clothes and shaving every inch of their bodies. The next thing you want to do when you're good and clean is slaughter some bullocks to make an atonement for your sins. The Levites will serve the Lord in the tabernacle and in return for this wonderful honor, God will take all their firstborn. It's a fond reminder for God of the time he smote all the firstborn of Egypt. I don't think he's going to kill the Levite firstborn; it seems he just wants to own them. And who could blame him really?
Get excited because in Chapter 9 we are finally, finally going to get the F out of Sinai.
In Chapter 7, the leader of each tribe presents an offering before the Lord. This goes on for 89 verses and I considered flinging myself out the window rather than read it. I split the difference and just skimmed it. The sons of Gershon give two wagons and four oxen. God needs those. The sons of Helon, Shedeur, Zurishaddai, Huey, Dewey and Luey each take a turn. There are spoons of gold, shekels of this and that, one year old lambs, goats, silver chargers (huh?), gold, incense and more. Everyone piles their gifts on the altar in the tabernacle for a dedication.
God spake unto Moses some more in Chapter 8, this time focusing on the Levites. First, Aaron lights the lamps. The candlesticks are to be made of beaten gold, unto the shaft thereof. Now that's my kind of candlestick. The Levites clean themselves by sprinkling water, washing their clothes and shaving every inch of their bodies. The next thing you want to do when you're good and clean is slaughter some bullocks to make an atonement for your sins. The Levites will serve the Lord in the tabernacle and in return for this wonderful honor, God will take all their firstborn. It's a fond reminder for God of the time he smote all the firstborn of Egypt. I don't think he's going to kill the Levite firstborn; it seems he just wants to own them. And who could blame him really?
Get excited because in Chapter 9 we are finally, finally going to get the F out of Sinai.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Numbers 2-5
A few people have asked about the break I've taken from the good book. It wasn't planned and I'm not busy. The reason is simple: this book sucks. Back before the flood, people may have lived for hundreds of years, but their life stories were reasonably short. We're now on our third book featuring Moses. For the love of God, will he never die? And how did Joseph and his kin scurry to Canaan and back multiple times, yet Moses is taking f-o-r-e-v-e-r to get past Mt. Sinai. I'm ready for God to spake unto someone besides Moses, but it doesn't look like there's any relief in sight. I'm going to plow through some content tonight if it kills me. Praying to God for strength and wisdom.
And now on with our story.
Chapter 2 repeats the long list of tribes and headcounts. This book, besides being absurd and boring, is unbelievably repetitive. "Then the tribe of Benjamin: and the captain of the sons of Benjamin shall be Abidan the son of Gideoni. And his host, and those that were numbered of them, were thirty and five thousand and four hundred." That's the kind of detail you need to tell me only once but thanks, bible, for making sure this pointless minutia is run into the ground.
In Chapter 3, the Levites are tallied. Instead of counting the men age 20 and older, God's interested in every male one month old and up. "On the day that I smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt I hallowed unto me all the firstborn in Israel, both man and beast: mine shall they be: I am the LORD." If you're wondering who's included, think along the lines of Kohath, Amram, and Izehar, Hebron and Uzziel. God instructs Moses to pay Aaron for the Levites. So these fellows now belong to God, whatever that means.
Chapter 4 outlines the responsibilities of Aaron and the Levite priests. The sons of Kohath carry the holy things. Aaron and sons cover the ark of the testimony with a vail, badger skins, a blue cloth and shall put in the staves thereof. The sons of Gershon between the ages of 30 and 50 are in charge of the tabernacle curtains. The sons of Merari between the ages of 30 and 50 are in charge of the tabernacle boards, bars, pillars and sockets thereof. If you want to live a good moral life, you need to understand these very important words of God. Otherwise, enjoy eternal hellfire, heathen.
The Lord spake unto Moses some more in chapter 5. "Command the children of Israel, that they put out of the camp every leper, and every one that hath an issue, and whosoever is defiled by the dead." So I guess these sad folks just get shunned out of their camps and are left to fend for themselves in the desert? But he's a just God who loves you. God also explains that people need to pay up to be forgiven for their sins. Let the trespass be recompensed unto the Lord. God needs the money. He is saving up for a down payment on his first house.
Then finally the story gets interesting. Adultery, hooray! If a man suspects his wife is having an affair, they can go before a high priest with a meal offering of a tenth part of an ephah of barley meal (without oil or perfume, obviously). The priest in turn will put some dust into a bottle of holy water and put a jealousy offering in the woman's hands. If cheating couples of today would just do this, so many marriages could be saved. The divorce rate would plummet. We must spread the good news! Anyway, the woman drinks some bitter water and the priest casts a spell (sorry, witches, but that's pretty much what is happening here). The bitter water will travel through the woman to her very bowels. If she's innocent of adultery, she will remain fertile. If she's guilty, her gut and legs will rot away and she'll be a curse among her people. This is the law of jealousies.
And now on with our story.
Chapter 2 repeats the long list of tribes and headcounts. This book, besides being absurd and boring, is unbelievably repetitive. "Then the tribe of Benjamin: and the captain of the sons of Benjamin shall be Abidan the son of Gideoni. And his host, and those that were numbered of them, were thirty and five thousand and four hundred." That's the kind of detail you need to tell me only once but thanks, bible, for making sure this pointless minutia is run into the ground.
In Chapter 3, the Levites are tallied. Instead of counting the men age 20 and older, God's interested in every male one month old and up. "On the day that I smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt I hallowed unto me all the firstborn in Israel, both man and beast: mine shall they be: I am the LORD." If you're wondering who's included, think along the lines of Kohath, Amram, and Izehar, Hebron and Uzziel. God instructs Moses to pay Aaron for the Levites. So these fellows now belong to God, whatever that means.
Chapter 4 outlines the responsibilities of Aaron and the Levite priests. The sons of Kohath carry the holy things. Aaron and sons cover the ark of the testimony with a vail, badger skins, a blue cloth and shall put in the staves thereof. The sons of Gershon between the ages of 30 and 50 are in charge of the tabernacle curtains. The sons of Merari between the ages of 30 and 50 are in charge of the tabernacle boards, bars, pillars and sockets thereof. If you want to live a good moral life, you need to understand these very important words of God. Otherwise, enjoy eternal hellfire, heathen.
The Lord spake unto Moses some more in chapter 5. "Command the children of Israel, that they put out of the camp every leper, and every one that hath an issue, and whosoever is defiled by the dead." So I guess these sad folks just get shunned out of their camps and are left to fend for themselves in the desert? But he's a just God who loves you. God also explains that people need to pay up to be forgiven for their sins. Let the trespass be recompensed unto the Lord. God needs the money. He is saving up for a down payment on his first house.
Then finally the story gets interesting. Adultery, hooray! If a man suspects his wife is having an affair, they can go before a high priest with a meal offering of a tenth part of an ephah of barley meal (without oil or perfume, obviously). The priest in turn will put some dust into a bottle of holy water and put a jealousy offering in the woman's hands. If cheating couples of today would just do this, so many marriages could be saved. The divorce rate would plummet. We must spread the good news! Anyway, the woman drinks some bitter water and the priest casts a spell (sorry, witches, but that's pretty much what is happening here). The bitter water will travel through the woman to her very bowels. If she's innocent of adultery, she will remain fertile. If she's guilty, her gut and legs will rot away and she'll be a curse among her people. This is the law of jealousies.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Numbers 1
Apparently we are in for a lot of counting in the Book of Numbers. We remain at Mt. Sinai as Numbers begins. How are these folks ever going to reach the land of milk and honey if they keep jogging in place?
God spake unto Moses, instructing him to conduct a census of the men 20 years and older who are able bodied for war. The Book of Numbers then provides a mind-numbing amount of counting in the most excessively verbose manner possible. I'm pretty sure the authors of the bible were paid by the word. The census is done tribe by tribe and excludes the Levites. We have 600,000 able bodied men. Wow! So how would you know which tribe each person belongs to, or does each guy know that his great-grandpa was Reuben, Simeon, etc. on through all the sons of Jacob? How would you get them to group together for the headcount? How would you communicate with everyone what you're trying to do?
I bet you're wondering why the tribe of Levi wasn't counted. It turns out they have special tabernacle duties. They're more special than the special people.
Everyone pitches a tent near the tabernacle. I would guess the entire group is well over a million (maybe even two?) if the able bodied men number 600,000. Also, it's important to God that strangers who near the tabernacle are put to death. How would they get near it? That's a pretty big group to plow through. Why would they want to? How would they even know it's there? And how would you know, if you're in a group of a million+ people, who the strangers are?
Numbers is off to an awful start.
God spake unto Moses, instructing him to conduct a census of the men 20 years and older who are able bodied for war. The Book of Numbers then provides a mind-numbing amount of counting in the most excessively verbose manner possible. I'm pretty sure the authors of the bible were paid by the word. The census is done tribe by tribe and excludes the Levites. We have 600,000 able bodied men. Wow! So how would you know which tribe each person belongs to, or does each guy know that his great-grandpa was Reuben, Simeon, etc. on through all the sons of Jacob? How would you get them to group together for the headcount? How would you communicate with everyone what you're trying to do?
I bet you're wondering why the tribe of Levi wasn't counted. It turns out they have special tabernacle duties. They're more special than the special people.
Everyone pitches a tent near the tabernacle. I would guess the entire group is well over a million (maybe even two?) if the able bodied men number 600,000. Also, it's important to God that strangers who near the tabernacle are put to death. How would they get near it? That's a pretty big group to plow through. Why would they want to? How would they even know it's there? And how would you know, if you're in a group of a million+ people, who the strangers are?
Numbers is off to an awful start.
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