It took me 2.5 months to trudge through this book, including several breaks because it sucked so much. That's all the recap I can provide at this time - sorry.
On we go to Deuteronomy, which I just know is going to be the answer to my prayers... well written, interesting, full of moral lessons and family values.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Numbers 32-36
As the Israelites reach Canaan, we finish the Book of Numbers. There is a God!
The gang arrives in Gilead in Numbers 32. Reuben and Gad are quite taken with the place. It's just perfect for their cattle. Moses grants them permission to settle there if they promise to help slaughter the Canaanites. It's all hands on deck when you've got serious murdering to do. Moses then threatens the wrath of God if Reuben and Gad don't follow through.
Numbers 33 is a recap. You don't know literary torture until you've had to read a bible-style recap.
And the Lord spake unto Moses in Numbers 34, describing Canaan's borders. Eleazar the priest and Joshua the son of Nun are named the leaders who will divide and assign the land.
Numbers 35 gives us some handy guidelines regarding murder. If you purposefully kill someone, say by striking them with an instrument of iron, the punishment is death. If you accidentally kill someone, you are to go to a city of refuge. When the high priest dies, you are free to go. Also, bloodshed pollutes the land. So give a hoot and don't pollute.
If a woman inherits land or money (if there are no male heirs), Numbers 36 instructs that she must marry within her tribe. The gals find this very fair and commence marrying their cousins.
The gang arrives in Gilead in Numbers 32. Reuben and Gad are quite taken with the place. It's just perfect for their cattle. Moses grants them permission to settle there if they promise to help slaughter the Canaanites. It's all hands on deck when you've got serious murdering to do. Moses then threatens the wrath of God if Reuben and Gad don't follow through.
Numbers 33 is a recap. You don't know literary torture until you've had to read a bible-style recap.
And the Lord spake unto Moses in Numbers 34, describing Canaan's borders. Eleazar the priest and Joshua the son of Nun are named the leaders who will divide and assign the land.
Numbers 35 gives us some handy guidelines regarding murder. If you purposefully kill someone, say by striking them with an instrument of iron, the punishment is death. If you accidentally kill someone, you are to go to a city of refuge. When the high priest dies, you are free to go. Also, bloodshed pollutes the land. So give a hoot and don't pollute.
If a woman inherits land or money (if there are no male heirs), Numbers 36 instructs that she must marry within her tribe. The gals find this very fair and commence marrying their cousins.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Numbers 27-31
I needed a little break from the bible, and I do apologize for my absence. I've crossed paths with the good book a couple times this week, and I know in my heart it's the Lord calling me back to him. Just today I read this nugget on Facebook: "Many scriptures of the old testament says the Lord revenged, in truth the Lord avenges His people out of love from the enemy!" He does work in mysterious ways, folks.
And now, on with our story.
Numbers 27 talks about how property is passed on when a man with no male heirs dies. In these sad and unfortunate circumstances, the daughters can receive the inheritance. Zelophehad's daughters score some land as a result. God lets Moses know his life is almost over, and Moses selects Joshua as his successor. It's been a good ride, old man, but get your affairs in order.
We learn more rules and rituals in Numbers 28-29. There's Passover and the Feast of Weeks. There's offerings on the Sabbath, the first of the month and every morning and night. God does enjoy a sweet savour, maybe a lamb mingled with an hin of oil. God also requests trumpets on the first day of the seventh month. An atonement on the tenth day would be good. And one goat for a sin offering; beside the continual burnt offering, his meat offering, and his drink offering. This is all very straight forward.
Numbers 30 provides some good, old fashioned patriarchy. When a man makes a vow, he must not break it. But when a woman makes a vow, her husband or father can overrule her and forbid it. I mean, she's a woman. It's not like she has her own brain.
God is good and pissed off again in Numbers 31, which means some Midianites need murdered and pronto. All the adult males they can find including Balaam are slaughtered. This is particularly rude since Balaam could have used his magical powers to curse the Hebrews just a few short chapters ago.
The chosen people also steal all the goods and burn some cities. And the booty, being the rest of the prey which the men of war had caught, was six hundred thousand and seventy thousand and five thousand sheep. And threescore and twelve thousand beeves. And threescore and one thousand asses. And thirty and two thousand persons in all, of women that had not known man by lying with him. I guess the non-virgin gals were murdered too. And how is it that they determined whether a lady they were about to abduct was a virgin or not? I'll leave you with that thought.
And now, on with our story.
Numbers 27 talks about how property is passed on when a man with no male heirs dies. In these sad and unfortunate circumstances, the daughters can receive the inheritance. Zelophehad's daughters score some land as a result. God lets Moses know his life is almost over, and Moses selects Joshua as his successor. It's been a good ride, old man, but get your affairs in order.
We learn more rules and rituals in Numbers 28-29. There's Passover and the Feast of Weeks. There's offerings on the Sabbath, the first of the month and every morning and night. God does enjoy a sweet savour, maybe a lamb mingled with an hin of oil. God also requests trumpets on the first day of the seventh month. An atonement on the tenth day would be good. And one goat for a sin offering; beside the continual burnt offering, his meat offering, and his drink offering. This is all very straight forward.
Numbers 30 provides some good, old fashioned patriarchy. When a man makes a vow, he must not break it. But when a woman makes a vow, her husband or father can overrule her and forbid it. I mean, she's a woman. It's not like she has her own brain.
God is good and pissed off again in Numbers 31, which means some Midianites need murdered and pronto. All the adult males they can find including Balaam are slaughtered. This is particularly rude since Balaam could have used his magical powers to curse the Hebrews just a few short chapters ago.
The chosen people also steal all the goods and burn some cities. And the booty, being the rest of the prey which the men of war had caught, was six hundred thousand and seventy thousand and five thousand sheep. And threescore and twelve thousand beeves. And threescore and one thousand asses. And thirty and two thousand persons in all, of women that had not known man by lying with him. I guess the non-virgin gals were murdered too. And how is it that they determined whether a lady they were about to abduct was a virgin or not? I'll leave you with that thought.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Bible Whatnots
We interrupt our regularly scheduled program to deliver a few Bible factoids, courtesy of the writings of Barbara G. Walker.
Every so often in our reading, God slaughters hundreds, even thousands, of people. I wondered if anyone has tallied it up. The answer is yes. God kills 371,186 people throughout the course of the bible. He orders the execution of an additional 1,862,265 people. But remember now, he's a just and merciful God. Because he's all knowing and all powerful, he can strike the perfect balance between loving and mass murdering. He really can do it all.
Another fun item - Recall we studied two versions of the Ten Commandments: Exodus 20 and Exodus 34. In reading Ms. Walker's fine work I've discovered we have two more versions of the Ten Commandments to look forward to: Deut. 5 and Deut. 27. That's our next book, folks. We'll also learn in Deuteronomy that unicorns are real and it's an abomination for women to wear pants. I have renewed motivation to finish the horrible, awful Book of Numbers asap.
Stay tuned!
Every so often in our reading, God slaughters hundreds, even thousands, of people. I wondered if anyone has tallied it up. The answer is yes. God kills 371,186 people throughout the course of the bible. He orders the execution of an additional 1,862,265 people. But remember now, he's a just and merciful God. Because he's all knowing and all powerful, he can strike the perfect balance between loving and mass murdering. He really can do it all.
Another fun item - Recall we studied two versions of the Ten Commandments: Exodus 20 and Exodus 34. In reading Ms. Walker's fine work I've discovered we have two more versions of the Ten Commandments to look forward to: Deut. 5 and Deut. 27. That's our next book, folks. We'll also learn in Deuteronomy that unicorns are real and it's an abomination for women to wear pants. I have renewed motivation to finish the horrible, awful Book of Numbers asap.
Stay tuned!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Numbers 24-26
In Chapter 24, Balak gets fussy with Balaam about not cursing the Israelites but Balaam cannot go against God's wishes. Balaam says these Hebrews are special and great things are in store for them in the smiting department. "There shall come a Star out of Jacob, and a Sceptre shall rise out of Israel, and shall smite the corners of Moab."
The Hebrews reach Shittim in Chapter 25 and immediately begin whoring with the Moabites. Not the deuce I'd expect to drop in Shittim, but goddammit those Moabites are sexy. Sacrifices are made to other gods, and the real God gets super pissed. Heads are going to roll and pronto.
To make God happy, Phinehas sends a javelin through a Moabite woman's belly straight through her Israeli lover. God then kills 24,000 people via the plague method and makes a convenant of peace with Phinehas for his excellent two-in-one murder. God tells Moses he'd like all Midianites dead. Apparently God has forgotten that Moses' wife is a Midianite. Whoopsie.
Chapter 26 brings us more counting, hooray! A census reveals there are 600,000 fighting men and 23,000 Levites. Caleb and Joshua are not included in the headcount.
The Hebrews reach Shittim in Chapter 25 and immediately begin whoring with the Moabites. Not the deuce I'd expect to drop in Shittim, but goddammit those Moabites are sexy. Sacrifices are made to other gods, and the real God gets super pissed. Heads are going to roll and pronto.
To make God happy, Phinehas sends a javelin through a Moabite woman's belly straight through her Israeli lover. God then kills 24,000 people via the plague method and makes a convenant of peace with Phinehas for his excellent two-in-one murder. God tells Moses he'd like all Midianites dead. Apparently God has forgotten that Moses' wife is a Midianite. Whoopsie.
Chapter 26 brings us more counting, hooray! A census reveals there are 600,000 fighting men and 23,000 Levites. Caleb and Joshua are not included in the headcount.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Numbers 22-23
Today's episode of the Inerrant Word of God includes a talking donkey.
The Israelites reach Moab (on this side of Jordan). As King Balak watches them arrive, he is understandably nervous given his neighbors' recent fate. Balak wants them smited (smote? smoten? smoted?) and driven from the land so he asks Balaam for help. Apparently Balaam is good at delivering curses. Balaam has a one-on-one with God who tells him he cannot curse the chosen people. Thou shalt go with them instead. There's some back and forth between God and Balak's people, which causes God to change course and tell Balaam to go with Balak's tribe.
Balaam saddles his ass and tags along with the princes of Moab. This makes God very wroth, even though Balaam is doing exactly what he was just told to do. God does the logical thing and blocks his path with an angel wielding a sword. Problem is, the angel is invisible to Balaam. The donkey, however, can see it and stops in the road. Balaam gets angry and beats the donkey who then starts talking.
A talking donkey.
And I'm what's wrong with America for not believing this is the inspired, perfect word of God.
Right.
The donkey wants to know why Balaam is beating the shit out of him. Fair question. The angel then makes itself visible to Balaam who apologizes profusely for the sin of not seeing an invisible angel that God put there to trick him. Clearly that's his fault.
Then Balaam and Balak journey to Kirjathhuzoth and Baal that thence he might see the utmost part of the people.
In Chapter 23, Balaam and Balak make a few more stops. Balak hopes each place is just right for Balaam to do his magic act and smite all the Israelites. God reminds Balaam not to kill the chosen people. Finally they reach Jeshimon which is the perfect spot to sacrifice seven bulls and seven rams. God loves that.
The Israelites reach Moab (on this side of Jordan). As King Balak watches them arrive, he is understandably nervous given his neighbors' recent fate. Balak wants them smited (smote? smoten? smoted?) and driven from the land so he asks Balaam for help. Apparently Balaam is good at delivering curses. Balaam has a one-on-one with God who tells him he cannot curse the chosen people. Thou shalt go with them instead. There's some back and forth between God and Balak's people, which causes God to change course and tell Balaam to go with Balak's tribe.
Balaam saddles his ass and tags along with the princes of Moab. This makes God very wroth, even though Balaam is doing exactly what he was just told to do. God does the logical thing and blocks his path with an angel wielding a sword. Problem is, the angel is invisible to Balaam. The donkey, however, can see it and stops in the road. Balaam gets angry and beats the donkey who then starts talking.
A talking donkey.
And I'm what's wrong with America for not believing this is the inspired, perfect word of God.
Right.
The donkey wants to know why Balaam is beating the shit out of him. Fair question. The angel then makes itself visible to Balaam who apologizes profusely for the sin of not seeing an invisible angel that God put there to trick him. Clearly that's his fault.
Then Balaam and Balak journey to Kirjathhuzoth and Baal that thence he might see the utmost part of the people.
In Chapter 23, Balaam and Balak make a few more stops. Balak hopes each place is just right for Balaam to do his magic act and smite all the Israelites. God reminds Balaam not to kill the chosen people. Finally they reach Jeshimon which is the perfect spot to sacrifice seven bulls and seven rams. God loves that.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Numbers 21
I apologize for the delay. What's holding this process up is the bible itself. It SUCKS, people. No wonder so few people read it. To try to get things moving again, I'm going to post about the next chapter tonight if it kills me. And now on with our story.
We begin Numbers 21 with the news that a Canaanite king has fought off approaching Israelites and taken some as prisoners. The Israelites turn to God -- if you will return our people to us, then we will utterly destroy the Canaanite cities. God, recognizing a good deal when he sees one, hearkens unto the voice of Israel. And they called the place Hormah.
The chosen people continue on by way of the Red Sea to Edom. Forgetting that God struck down 15,000 people a few chapters back, these morons start bitching and moaning. "And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died." Will these people never learn? I guess God has a change of heart because he instructs Moses to build a magic brass rod shaped like a serpent. People who have been bitten and aren't already dead can gaze upon the magic rod and be healed.
Numbers 21 outlines the cities they pass through on their journey. It's pretty much the path you'd expect -- Oboth to Zared to the brooks of Arnon to the border of Moab. And thence they went to Beer where the princes digged a well. Then from Mattanah to Nahaliel to Bamoth. When they get to Sihon, they ask the Amorite king if they can kindly pass through his land. He says no so the Israelites kill a bunch of people and take the land. "Thus Israel dwelt in the land of the Amorites."
Then it's on to Jaazer where Moses and company kill everyone and take their land. It's God's will.
We begin Numbers 21 with the news that a Canaanite king has fought off approaching Israelites and taken some as prisoners. The Israelites turn to God -- if you will return our people to us, then we will utterly destroy the Canaanite cities. God, recognizing a good deal when he sees one, hearkens unto the voice of Israel. And they called the place Hormah.
The chosen people continue on by way of the Red Sea to Edom. Forgetting that God struck down 15,000 people a few chapters back, these morons start bitching and moaning. "And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died." Will these people never learn? I guess God has a change of heart because he instructs Moses to build a magic brass rod shaped like a serpent. People who have been bitten and aren't already dead can gaze upon the magic rod and be healed.
Numbers 21 outlines the cities they pass through on their journey. It's pretty much the path you'd expect -- Oboth to Zared to the brooks of Arnon to the border of Moab. And thence they went to Beer where the princes digged a well. Then from Mattanah to Nahaliel to Bamoth. When they get to Sihon, they ask the Amorite king if they can kindly pass through his land. He says no so the Israelites kill a bunch of people and take the land. "Thus Israel dwelt in the land of the Amorites."
Then it's on to Jaazer where Moses and company kill everyone and take their land. It's God's will.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Numbers 18-20
After such greatly entertaining chapters, we were bound to have a dud in Numbers 18. Again we learn about the rules and regulations involved in being a priest. God has given priestly powers to only Aaron and the Levites, and any stranger who cometh nigh will be put to death. When it comes to offerings, God wants the very best wine, wheat and oil. Make sure the beasts you massacre are the tastiest ones too. He will also take one-tenth of the money tithed by the Israelites, and the Levites get the rest. Such a deal.
In Chapter 19, we learn how to purify ourselves after being defiled by corpses. This is useful information given that so many people were recently slaughtered. He that toucheth a dead man is unclean for seven days. A red heifer without blemish is to be sacrificed. Burn him up and gather the ashes. Mix into the water of separation, and sprinkle it upon unclean people and tents. If you don't do this, you are to be cut off from the chosen people forever.
We begin Chapter 20 on a sad note. Moses' sister Miriam dies and is buried in Kadesh. We spend all of one verse bidding her farewell.
The people are thirsty and complain to Moses and Aaron, who visit the tabernacle and fall on their faces. The glory of the Lord appears, and Moses is instructed to gather everyone before a rock. He is to speak to the rock and it shalt give forth water for man and beast alike. Moses gets a wild hair and decides to hit the rock instead. The water springs forth and the people drink, but this insubordination upsets God so much that he announces he will not bring the congregation into the promised land after all.
Moses and company are on their own for the next step of the journey. Moses sends a messenger to King Edom, asking if they can pass through his land. Edom refuses, so the group goes the way of Mount Hor. God appears again, telling Aaron and his son Eleazar to walk up Mount Hor. Aaron is to be stripped of his garments which will then be worn by Eleazar. Aaron is also instructed to die at the top of the mount, which he dutifully does. When the Israelites learn of Aaron's death, they mourn for 30 days.
In Chapter 19, we learn how to purify ourselves after being defiled by corpses. This is useful information given that so many people were recently slaughtered. He that toucheth a dead man is unclean for seven days. A red heifer without blemish is to be sacrificed. Burn him up and gather the ashes. Mix into the water of separation, and sprinkle it upon unclean people and tents. If you don't do this, you are to be cut off from the chosen people forever.
We begin Chapter 20 on a sad note. Moses' sister Miriam dies and is buried in Kadesh. We spend all of one verse bidding her farewell.
The people are thirsty and complain to Moses and Aaron, who visit the tabernacle and fall on their faces. The glory of the Lord appears, and Moses is instructed to gather everyone before a rock. He is to speak to the rock and it shalt give forth water for man and beast alike. Moses gets a wild hair and decides to hit the rock instead. The water springs forth and the people drink, but this insubordination upsets God so much that he announces he will not bring the congregation into the promised land after all.
Moses and company are on their own for the next step of the journey. Moses sends a messenger to King Edom, asking if they can pass through his land. Edom refuses, so the group goes the way of Mount Hor. God appears again, telling Aaron and his son Eleazar to walk up Mount Hor. Aaron is to be stripped of his garments which will then be worn by Eleazar. Aaron is also instructed to die at the top of the mount, which he dutifully does. When the Israelites learn of Aaron's death, they mourn for 30 days.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Numbers 15-17
In Numbers 15, we return to an old favorite past time, making offerings to God. Numerous rules are spelled out so you know when it's appropriate to slaughter a bullock, ram, lamb, kid, or she goat. These offerings are a sweet savour unto the Lord. He sure does get hungry up there in the sky. God prefers meat offerings to be tossed with a tenth deal of flour and a fourth part of an hin of oil. Please also provide a fourth part of an hin of wine and some spinach dip and pita chips. Those are delicious. "For I am the Lord your God." I like how the bible continually says that, as if it makes it more true or something.
Something hilariously awful happens in Numbers 15. Some children see a man gathering sticks on the sabbath day, which is a clear violation of the Ten Commandments, so they rat him out to Moses and Aaron. Moses in turn tattles to God who determines this horrible person deserves nothing less than to stand before the congregation and be stoned to death. And they stoned him with stones, and he died. The Israelites then add a ribband of blue to their clothing as a reminder to keep God's commandments, after which ye use to go a whoring. The Basic English Bible translates this to being untrue to God, but it's so much more fun to say "go a whoring." So to sum up, if you've ever picked up sticks on the sabbath, you deserve to be put to death.
Chapter 16 shares a heartwarming tale about our perfectly wise and loving God. Korah, one of the Levite priests, garners the support of 250 princes and challenges Moses' authority. When Moses hears of it, he falls upon his face. He has been doing that a lot lately. He might be exhibiting the early signs of MS or even ALS. I hope he gets that checked out. God is called in to settle the dispute. Take a big guess whose side he takes. He causes some of the would-be rebels to be swallowed up by the land, never to be seen again. God lights the others on fire, then whips up some sort of plague. Aaron and Moses high tail it to the incense to make an atonement and appease God. The plague was stayed (whew!) but sadly not before it claims the life of 14,700 people. Next time, I'll get to that incense faster, God.
In Chapter 17, God instructs Moses to gather a rod from the head of each of the 12 tribes of Israel. A rod from each head, check. Write thou every man's name upon his rod. That's a little weird, but whatever gets you off. I'm not here to judge. Moses puts all the rods in the tabernacle, and in the morning Aaron's rod has blossomed and sprouted almonds. The people freak out, believing this is a bad omen. They weren't fazed by 15,000 people being murdered via the plague, fire and spontaneous burial, but oh no, Aaron has nuts at the base of his rod! Whosoever cometh any thing near the tabernacle shall die!
Something hilariously awful happens in Numbers 15. Some children see a man gathering sticks on the sabbath day, which is a clear violation of the Ten Commandments, so they rat him out to Moses and Aaron. Moses in turn tattles to God who determines this horrible person deserves nothing less than to stand before the congregation and be stoned to death. And they stoned him with stones, and he died. The Israelites then add a ribband of blue to their clothing as a reminder to keep God's commandments, after which ye use to go a whoring. The Basic English Bible translates this to being untrue to God, but it's so much more fun to say "go a whoring." So to sum up, if you've ever picked up sticks on the sabbath, you deserve to be put to death.
Chapter 16 shares a heartwarming tale about our perfectly wise and loving God. Korah, one of the Levite priests, garners the support of 250 princes and challenges Moses' authority. When Moses hears of it, he falls upon his face. He has been doing that a lot lately. He might be exhibiting the early signs of MS or even ALS. I hope he gets that checked out. God is called in to settle the dispute. Take a big guess whose side he takes. He causes some of the would-be rebels to be swallowed up by the land, never to be seen again. God lights the others on fire, then whips up some sort of plague. Aaron and Moses high tail it to the incense to make an atonement and appease God. The plague was stayed (whew!) but sadly not before it claims the life of 14,700 people. Next time, I'll get to that incense faster, God.
In Chapter 17, God instructs Moses to gather a rod from the head of each of the 12 tribes of Israel. A rod from each head, check. Write thou every man's name upon his rod. That's a little weird, but whatever gets you off. I'm not here to judge. Moses puts all the rods in the tabernacle, and in the morning Aaron's rod has blossomed and sprouted almonds. The people freak out, believing this is a bad omen. They weren't fazed by 15,000 people being murdered via the plague, fire and spontaneous burial, but oh no, Aaron has nuts at the base of his rod! Whosoever cometh any thing near the tabernacle shall die!
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Numbers 13-14
In Chapter 13, we f-i-n-a-l-l-y reach Canaan. Moses sends a representative from each tribe to "spy out" Canaan. They spend (wait for it) 40 days and 40 nights checking things out. They report that Canaan is indeed the land of milk and honey, but they're fearful of being overpowered by the super sized Canaanites. Caleb thinks they should bust on in and take over, but the rest of the Hebrew spies feel like grasshoppers next to those giants. With crazy biblical names like Issachar, Ephraim and Zebulun, it's funny to see an overly popular name like Caleb. I wonder if Caleb ever has a playdate with Tucker, Parker, Jayden, Aidan or Brayden. Maybe McKenna and Kaylee can join them if it is not their unclean time of the month or they're not busy being stoned to death.
The Hebrews continue complaining in Chapter 14. They go so far as pondering a return to Egypt, where they were slaves... because that's going to be so much better. Morons! When Moses and Aaron get wind of this, they fall flat on their faces in frustration (I am not making this up). Caleb and Joshua address the crowd. How could everyone hear? There's well over a million people, maybe two. Anyway, they remind everyone they have God on their side and the Canaanites don't. The congregation is not convinced and calls for Caleb and Joshua to be stoned to death with stones (in case you're wondering how it's done). At this point, God flies off the handle. He has had enough of these doubters and complainers. He says, "I will smite them with the pestilence, and disinherit them, and will make of thee a greater nation and mightier than they." That's right, God says he'll kill the chosen people and come up with better ones. You didn't hear stories like this in Sunday school, now did you?
Moses asks how this will look to folks with other gods, like those stupid Egyptians, if God smotes all his people because he is unable to get them into the promised land. You've got to think about your street cred, God! Moses also reminds him that he is merciful (since when?), and he basically talks God down... because an all-knowing, loving God would need talked down. Caleb and Joshua earn special favor for their willingness to conquer Canaan but everyone else gets, you guessed it, 40 more years in the wilderness. "And your children shall wander in the wilderness forty years, and bear your whoredoms, until your carcases be wasted in the wilderness." I do hate bearing someone's whoredoms. For good measure, God afflicts a handful of them with a horrible plague and kills them. Are you listening, Hebrews? God will straight up murder your ass, so STFU already!
Then the Amalekites came down, and the Canaanites which dwelt in that hill, and smote them, and discomfited them, even unto Hormah. I'm stating the obvious here.
The Hebrews continue complaining in Chapter 14. They go so far as pondering a return to Egypt, where they were slaves... because that's going to be so much better. Morons! When Moses and Aaron get wind of this, they fall flat on their faces in frustration (I am not making this up). Caleb and Joshua address the crowd. How could everyone hear? There's well over a million people, maybe two. Anyway, they remind everyone they have God on their side and the Canaanites don't. The congregation is not convinced and calls for Caleb and Joshua to be stoned to death with stones (in case you're wondering how it's done). At this point, God flies off the handle. He has had enough of these doubters and complainers. He says, "I will smite them with the pestilence, and disinherit them, and will make of thee a greater nation and mightier than they." That's right, God says he'll kill the chosen people and come up with better ones. You didn't hear stories like this in Sunday school, now did you?
Moses asks how this will look to folks with other gods, like those stupid Egyptians, if God smotes all his people because he is unable to get them into the promised land. You've got to think about your street cred, God! Moses also reminds him that he is merciful (since when?), and he basically talks God down... because an all-knowing, loving God would need talked down. Caleb and Joshua earn special favor for their willingness to conquer Canaan but everyone else gets, you guessed it, 40 more years in the wilderness. "And your children shall wander in the wilderness forty years, and bear your whoredoms, until your carcases be wasted in the wilderness." I do hate bearing someone's whoredoms. For good measure, God afflicts a handful of them with a horrible plague and kills them. Are you listening, Hebrews? God will straight up murder your ass, so STFU already!
Then the Amalekites came down, and the Canaanites which dwelt in that hill, and smote them, and discomfited them, even unto Hormah. I'm stating the obvious here.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Numbers 11-12
Numbers has been mostly boring thus far, so Chapter 11 is a pleasant surprise. As the Hebrews journey towards the promised land, they start complaining about everything. This makes God very angry. You know how it is when you take the kids on a long car trip, and they start acting like spoiled brats. God's reaction is to light several of them on fire. He does have a temper, folks.
The chosen people don't take a hint and whine about being hungry. They are tired of eating manna, the bread that magically falls from the sky. They miss Egypt where they had better food. Even though they were slaves, at least they were well fed. This bitching and moaning makes Moses and God very wroth. Moses has carried these numskulls in his bosom, as a nursing father bearing the sucketh child (what?). And yet they bitch! He asks God to either kill him or shut these people up. God puts his spirit upon 70 elders so they can help Moses out, whatever that means. He then makes a bunch of quail rain down round about the camp. He's still furious and to make himself feel better about feeding these people, he afflicts the quail eaters with a horrible plague and kills them. And he called the name of that place Kibrothhattaavah: because there they buried the people that lusted. Obviously.
Chapter 12 reveals it isn't just the bratty minions who aren't getting along. Moses' siblings Aaron and Miriam are fussy as well. They don't like that Moses married an Ethiopian woman instead of an Israelite. They are also mad that God deals directly with Moses instead of including them. This makes God very wroth and he afflicts Miriam with leprosy. Aaron realizes he's in deep shit and pleads with Moses for mercy. Moses takes this message to God who heals Miriam after she is shut out of the camp for seven days. The entire group of one or two million people have to wait around for seven days until she's good to go.
Those who have not been murdered by God leave Hazeroth and head toward Paran.
The chosen people don't take a hint and whine about being hungry. They are tired of eating manna, the bread that magically falls from the sky. They miss Egypt where they had better food. Even though they were slaves, at least they were well fed. This bitching and moaning makes Moses and God very wroth. Moses has carried these numskulls in his bosom, as a nursing father bearing the sucketh child (what?). And yet they bitch! He asks God to either kill him or shut these people up. God puts his spirit upon 70 elders so they can help Moses out, whatever that means. He then makes a bunch of quail rain down round about the camp. He's still furious and to make himself feel better about feeding these people, he afflicts the quail eaters with a horrible plague and kills them. And he called the name of that place Kibrothhattaavah: because there they buried the people that lusted. Obviously.
Chapter 12 reveals it isn't just the bratty minions who aren't getting along. Moses' siblings Aaron and Miriam are fussy as well. They don't like that Moses married an Ethiopian woman instead of an Israelite. They are also mad that God deals directly with Moses instead of including them. This makes God very wroth and he afflicts Miriam with leprosy. Aaron realizes he's in deep shit and pleads with Moses for mercy. Moses takes this message to God who heals Miriam after she is shut out of the camp for seven days. The entire group of one or two million people have to wait around for seven days until she's good to go.
Those who have not been murdered by God leave Hazeroth and head toward Paran.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Numbers 9-10
It's time for Passover, boys and girls. Those who have been made unclean by a dead body must make an atonement before they can participate, but then it's go time. Passover rituals ensue, then God shows up as the helpful pillar of cloud to guide their journey away from Mt. Sinai.
Now that we're finally moving toward Canaan, God explains how to keep the group together and on task. Instead of just, you know, appearing to everyone and explaining what to do, a complex series of trumpet blasts will be used. There's the blast of one trumpet, the blast of two trumpets, and one or two alarm sounds. When the congregation is to be gathered together, ye shall blow, but ye shall not sound an alarm. Duh.
Trumpets are to be sounded over peace offerings and burnt offerings. No word on what to do about meal offerings or drink offerings. If Moses and the gang find themselves in a vicious cockfight with the enemy, they are to sound a trumpet alarm. This will alert God that he needs to step in and save them from the bad guys. This implies that God is not always paying attention to or protecting his chosen people, and the blast of a trumpet will cause him to tune back in. I guess it's probably time consuming running the entire universe, and the guy just needs some quiet time to zone out.
Chapter 10 helpfully lists all the tribes taking part in this journey, in case they haven't been listed enough already. This is the most repetitive, poorly written POS e-v-e-r. Here's but a sample: "And over the host of the tribe of the children of Manasseh was Gamaliel the son of Pedahzur." Very important detail to include in the good book over and over again, no? At least we're finally moving toward the land of milk and honey, so I can't complain too much. I do love honey.
Now that we're finally moving toward Canaan, God explains how to keep the group together and on task. Instead of just, you know, appearing to everyone and explaining what to do, a complex series of trumpet blasts will be used. There's the blast of one trumpet, the blast of two trumpets, and one or two alarm sounds. When the congregation is to be gathered together, ye shall blow, but ye shall not sound an alarm. Duh.
Trumpets are to be sounded over peace offerings and burnt offerings. No word on what to do about meal offerings or drink offerings. If Moses and the gang find themselves in a vicious cockfight with the enemy, they are to sound a trumpet alarm. This will alert God that he needs to step in and save them from the bad guys. This implies that God is not always paying attention to or protecting his chosen people, and the blast of a trumpet will cause him to tune back in. I guess it's probably time consuming running the entire universe, and the guy just needs some quiet time to zone out.
Chapter 10 helpfully lists all the tribes taking part in this journey, in case they haven't been listed enough already. This is the most repetitive, poorly written POS e-v-e-r. Here's but a sample: "And over the host of the tribe of the children of Manasseh was Gamaliel the son of Pedahzur." Very important detail to include in the good book over and over again, no? At least we're finally moving toward the land of milk and honey, so I can't complain too much. I do love honey.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Numbers 6-8
And the Lord spake unto Moses in Chapter 6, explaining how to become a Nazarite. Judging by other bible translations, it looks like this is a clergy person. You take an oath to keep yourself separate and give yourself to the Lord. Par-tay. To be a good Nazarite, it's crucial that you grow out your hair. Drinking wine is prohibited. In fact, all varieties of grapes (moist and dried) must be avoided at all times. Stay away from dead bodies while you're at it. There is one potential snag. Say you go through the steps to become a Nazarite and then someone drops dead next to you, touching your hair on the way to the ground. Then you have to shave your head and start over. Take two turtles or two young pigeons to a priest, one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering. God would like some unleavened bread, oil and a drink offering at this time. Pizza Rolls would be a good choice too.
In Chapter 7, the leader of each tribe presents an offering before the Lord. This goes on for 89 verses and I considered flinging myself out the window rather than read it. I split the difference and just skimmed it. The sons of Gershon give two wagons and four oxen. God needs those. The sons of Helon, Shedeur, Zurishaddai, Huey, Dewey and Luey each take a turn. There are spoons of gold, shekels of this and that, one year old lambs, goats, silver chargers (huh?), gold, incense and more. Everyone piles their gifts on the altar in the tabernacle for a dedication.
God spake unto Moses some more in Chapter 8, this time focusing on the Levites. First, Aaron lights the lamps. The candlesticks are to be made of beaten gold, unto the shaft thereof. Now that's my kind of candlestick. The Levites clean themselves by sprinkling water, washing their clothes and shaving every inch of their bodies. The next thing you want to do when you're good and clean is slaughter some bullocks to make an atonement for your sins. The Levites will serve the Lord in the tabernacle and in return for this wonderful honor, God will take all their firstborn. It's a fond reminder for God of the time he smote all the firstborn of Egypt. I don't think he's going to kill the Levite firstborn; it seems he just wants to own them. And who could blame him really?
Get excited because in Chapter 9 we are finally, finally going to get the F out of Sinai.
In Chapter 7, the leader of each tribe presents an offering before the Lord. This goes on for 89 verses and I considered flinging myself out the window rather than read it. I split the difference and just skimmed it. The sons of Gershon give two wagons and four oxen. God needs those. The sons of Helon, Shedeur, Zurishaddai, Huey, Dewey and Luey each take a turn. There are spoons of gold, shekels of this and that, one year old lambs, goats, silver chargers (huh?), gold, incense and more. Everyone piles their gifts on the altar in the tabernacle for a dedication.
God spake unto Moses some more in Chapter 8, this time focusing on the Levites. First, Aaron lights the lamps. The candlesticks are to be made of beaten gold, unto the shaft thereof. Now that's my kind of candlestick. The Levites clean themselves by sprinkling water, washing their clothes and shaving every inch of their bodies. The next thing you want to do when you're good and clean is slaughter some bullocks to make an atonement for your sins. The Levites will serve the Lord in the tabernacle and in return for this wonderful honor, God will take all their firstborn. It's a fond reminder for God of the time he smote all the firstborn of Egypt. I don't think he's going to kill the Levite firstborn; it seems he just wants to own them. And who could blame him really?
Get excited because in Chapter 9 we are finally, finally going to get the F out of Sinai.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Numbers 2-5
A few people have asked about the break I've taken from the good book. It wasn't planned and I'm not busy. The reason is simple: this book sucks. Back before the flood, people may have lived for hundreds of years, but their life stories were reasonably short. We're now on our third book featuring Moses. For the love of God, will he never die? And how did Joseph and his kin scurry to Canaan and back multiple times, yet Moses is taking f-o-r-e-v-e-r to get past Mt. Sinai. I'm ready for God to spake unto someone besides Moses, but it doesn't look like there's any relief in sight. I'm going to plow through some content tonight if it kills me. Praying to God for strength and wisdom.
And now on with our story.
Chapter 2 repeats the long list of tribes and headcounts. This book, besides being absurd and boring, is unbelievably repetitive. "Then the tribe of Benjamin: and the captain of the sons of Benjamin shall be Abidan the son of Gideoni. And his host, and those that were numbered of them, were thirty and five thousand and four hundred." That's the kind of detail you need to tell me only once but thanks, bible, for making sure this pointless minutia is run into the ground.
In Chapter 3, the Levites are tallied. Instead of counting the men age 20 and older, God's interested in every male one month old and up. "On the day that I smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt I hallowed unto me all the firstborn in Israel, both man and beast: mine shall they be: I am the LORD." If you're wondering who's included, think along the lines of Kohath, Amram, and Izehar, Hebron and Uzziel. God instructs Moses to pay Aaron for the Levites. So these fellows now belong to God, whatever that means.
Chapter 4 outlines the responsibilities of Aaron and the Levite priests. The sons of Kohath carry the holy things. Aaron and sons cover the ark of the testimony with a vail, badger skins, a blue cloth and shall put in the staves thereof. The sons of Gershon between the ages of 30 and 50 are in charge of the tabernacle curtains. The sons of Merari between the ages of 30 and 50 are in charge of the tabernacle boards, bars, pillars and sockets thereof. If you want to live a good moral life, you need to understand these very important words of God. Otherwise, enjoy eternal hellfire, heathen.
The Lord spake unto Moses some more in chapter 5. "Command the children of Israel, that they put out of the camp every leper, and every one that hath an issue, and whosoever is defiled by the dead." So I guess these sad folks just get shunned out of their camps and are left to fend for themselves in the desert? But he's a just God who loves you. God also explains that people need to pay up to be forgiven for their sins. Let the trespass be recompensed unto the Lord. God needs the money. He is saving up for a down payment on his first house.
Then finally the story gets interesting. Adultery, hooray! If a man suspects his wife is having an affair, they can go before a high priest with a meal offering of a tenth part of an ephah of barley meal (without oil or perfume, obviously). The priest in turn will put some dust into a bottle of holy water and put a jealousy offering in the woman's hands. If cheating couples of today would just do this, so many marriages could be saved. The divorce rate would plummet. We must spread the good news! Anyway, the woman drinks some bitter water and the priest casts a spell (sorry, witches, but that's pretty much what is happening here). The bitter water will travel through the woman to her very bowels. If she's innocent of adultery, she will remain fertile. If she's guilty, her gut and legs will rot away and she'll be a curse among her people. This is the law of jealousies.
And now on with our story.
Chapter 2 repeats the long list of tribes and headcounts. This book, besides being absurd and boring, is unbelievably repetitive. "Then the tribe of Benjamin: and the captain of the sons of Benjamin shall be Abidan the son of Gideoni. And his host, and those that were numbered of them, were thirty and five thousand and four hundred." That's the kind of detail you need to tell me only once but thanks, bible, for making sure this pointless minutia is run into the ground.
In Chapter 3, the Levites are tallied. Instead of counting the men age 20 and older, God's interested in every male one month old and up. "On the day that I smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt I hallowed unto me all the firstborn in Israel, both man and beast: mine shall they be: I am the LORD." If you're wondering who's included, think along the lines of Kohath, Amram, and Izehar, Hebron and Uzziel. God instructs Moses to pay Aaron for the Levites. So these fellows now belong to God, whatever that means.
Chapter 4 outlines the responsibilities of Aaron and the Levite priests. The sons of Kohath carry the holy things. Aaron and sons cover the ark of the testimony with a vail, badger skins, a blue cloth and shall put in the staves thereof. The sons of Gershon between the ages of 30 and 50 are in charge of the tabernacle curtains. The sons of Merari between the ages of 30 and 50 are in charge of the tabernacle boards, bars, pillars and sockets thereof. If you want to live a good moral life, you need to understand these very important words of God. Otherwise, enjoy eternal hellfire, heathen.
The Lord spake unto Moses some more in chapter 5. "Command the children of Israel, that they put out of the camp every leper, and every one that hath an issue, and whosoever is defiled by the dead." So I guess these sad folks just get shunned out of their camps and are left to fend for themselves in the desert? But he's a just God who loves you. God also explains that people need to pay up to be forgiven for their sins. Let the trespass be recompensed unto the Lord. God needs the money. He is saving up for a down payment on his first house.
Then finally the story gets interesting. Adultery, hooray! If a man suspects his wife is having an affair, they can go before a high priest with a meal offering of a tenth part of an ephah of barley meal (without oil or perfume, obviously). The priest in turn will put some dust into a bottle of holy water and put a jealousy offering in the woman's hands. If cheating couples of today would just do this, so many marriages could be saved. The divorce rate would plummet. We must spread the good news! Anyway, the woman drinks some bitter water and the priest casts a spell (sorry, witches, but that's pretty much what is happening here). The bitter water will travel through the woman to her very bowels. If she's innocent of adultery, she will remain fertile. If she's guilty, her gut and legs will rot away and she'll be a curse among her people. This is the law of jealousies.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Numbers 1
Apparently we are in for a lot of counting in the Book of Numbers. We remain at Mt. Sinai as Numbers begins. How are these folks ever going to reach the land of milk and honey if they keep jogging in place?
God spake unto Moses, instructing him to conduct a census of the men 20 years and older who are able bodied for war. The Book of Numbers then provides a mind-numbing amount of counting in the most excessively verbose manner possible. I'm pretty sure the authors of the bible were paid by the word. The census is done tribe by tribe and excludes the Levites. We have 600,000 able bodied men. Wow! So how would you know which tribe each person belongs to, or does each guy know that his great-grandpa was Reuben, Simeon, etc. on through all the sons of Jacob? How would you get them to group together for the headcount? How would you communicate with everyone what you're trying to do?
I bet you're wondering why the tribe of Levi wasn't counted. It turns out they have special tabernacle duties. They're more special than the special people.
Everyone pitches a tent near the tabernacle. I would guess the entire group is well over a million (maybe even two?) if the able bodied men number 600,000. Also, it's important to God that strangers who near the tabernacle are put to death. How would they get near it? That's a pretty big group to plow through. Why would they want to? How would they even know it's there? And how would you know, if you're in a group of a million+ people, who the strangers are?
Numbers is off to an awful start.
God spake unto Moses, instructing him to conduct a census of the men 20 years and older who are able bodied for war. The Book of Numbers then provides a mind-numbing amount of counting in the most excessively verbose manner possible. I'm pretty sure the authors of the bible were paid by the word. The census is done tribe by tribe and excludes the Levites. We have 600,000 able bodied men. Wow! So how would you know which tribe each person belongs to, or does each guy know that his great-grandpa was Reuben, Simeon, etc. on through all the sons of Jacob? How would you get them to group together for the headcount? How would you communicate with everyone what you're trying to do?
I bet you're wondering why the tribe of Levi wasn't counted. It turns out they have special tabernacle duties. They're more special than the special people.
Everyone pitches a tent near the tabernacle. I would guess the entire group is well over a million (maybe even two?) if the able bodied men number 600,000. Also, it's important to God that strangers who near the tabernacle are put to death. How would they get near it? That's a pretty big group to plow through. Why would they want to? How would they even know it's there? And how would you know, if you're in a group of a million+ people, who the strangers are?
Numbers is off to an awful start.
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