Numbers 13-14

In Chapter 13, we f-i-n-a-l-l-y reach Canaan. Moses sends a representative from each tribe to "spy out" Canaan. They spend (wait for it) 40 days and 40 nights checking things out. They report that Canaan is indeed the land of milk and honey, but they're fearful of being overpowered by the super sized Canaanites. Caleb thinks they should bust on in and take over, but the rest of the Hebrew spies feel like grasshoppers next to those giants. With crazy biblical names like Issachar, Ephraim and Zebulun, it's funny to see an overly popular name like Caleb. I wonder if Caleb ever has a playdate with Tucker, Parker, Jayden, Aidan or Brayden. Maybe McKenna and Kaylee can join them if it is not their unclean time of the month or they're not busy being stoned to death.

The Hebrews continue complaining in Chapter 14. They go so far as pondering a return to Egypt, where they were slaves... because that's going to be so much better. Morons! When Moses and Aaron get wind of this, they fall flat on their faces in frustration (I am not making this up). Caleb and Joshua address the crowd. How could everyone hear? There's well over a million people, maybe two. Anyway, they remind everyone they have God on their side and the Canaanites don't. The congregation is not convinced and calls for Caleb and Joshua to be stoned to death with stones (in case you're wondering how it's done). At this point, God flies off the handle. He has had enough of these doubters and complainers. He says, "I will smite them with the pestilence, and disinherit them, and will make of thee a greater nation and mightier than they." That's right, God says he'll kill the chosen people and come up with better ones. You didn't hear stories like this in Sunday school, now did you?

Moses asks how this will look to folks with other gods, like those stupid Egyptians, if God smotes all his people because he is unable to get them into the promised land. You've got to think about your street cred, God! Moses also reminds him that he is merciful (since when?), and he basically talks God down... because an all-knowing, loving God would need talked down. Caleb and Joshua earn special favor for their willingness to conquer Canaan but everyone else gets, you guessed it, 40 more years in the wilderness. "And your children shall wander in the wilderness forty years, and bear your whoredoms, until your carcases be wasted in the wilderness." I do hate bearing someone's whoredoms. For good measure, God afflicts a handful of them with a horrible plague and kills them. Are you listening, Hebrews? God will straight up murder your ass, so STFU already!

Then the Amalekites came down, and the Canaanites which dwelt in that hill, and smote them, and discomfited them, even unto Hormah. I'm stating the obvious here.