Today's episode of the Inerrant Word of God includes a talking donkey.
The Israelites reach Moab (on this side of Jordan). As King Balak watches them arrive, he is understandably nervous given his neighbors' recent fate. Balak wants them smited (smote? smoten? smoted?) and driven from the land so he asks Balaam for help. Apparently Balaam is good at delivering curses. Balaam has a one-on-one with God who tells him he cannot curse the chosen people. Thou shalt go with them instead. There's some back and forth between God and Balak's people, which causes God to change course and tell Balaam to go with Balak's tribe.
Balaam saddles his ass and tags along with the princes of Moab. This makes God very wroth, even though Balaam is doing exactly what he was just told to do. God does the logical thing and blocks his path with an angel wielding a sword. Problem is, the angel is invisible to Balaam. The donkey, however, can see it and stops in the road. Balaam gets angry and beats the donkey who then starts talking.
A talking donkey.
And I'm what's wrong with America for not believing this is the inspired, perfect word of God.
Right.
The donkey wants to know why Balaam is beating the shit out of him. Fair question. The angel then makes itself visible to Balaam who apologizes profusely for the sin of not seeing an invisible angel that God put there to trick him. Clearly that's his fault.
Then Balaam and Balak journey to Kirjathhuzoth and Baal that thence he might see the utmost part of the people.
In Chapter 23, Balaam and Balak make a few more stops. Balak hopes each place is just right for Balaam to do his magic act and smite all the Israelites. God reminds Balaam not to kill the chosen people. Finally they reach Jeshimon which is the perfect spot to sacrifice seven bulls and seven rams. God loves that.
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