Exodus 34

A few points of comparison between this chapter and the earlier set of commandments:

• Exodus 20 refers to the list as "my commandments"; only Exodus 34 uses the phrase "the ten commandments." 
• Unlike the verbal list in Exodus 20, Exodus 34 is written in stone. Which seems more official to you?
• The list in Exodus 34 is important enough to recreate after Moses brakest the original set of stone tablets a few chapters back.

Clearly this chapter provides the official, finalized, authorized ten commandments. And now on with our story.

When Moses saw the people of Israel worshiping a golden calf, he brakest the stone tablets written in God's own hand. God instructs Moses to cut two new pieces of stone. Obviously Moses needs to take care of this, because how the heck could God cut two pieces of stone? I guess in his current form, he doesn't have hands. Moses scampers up Mt. Sinai for yet another private 40 days and 40 nights with God. For an old man, he is quite the mountain climber. The two lads recreate the tablets. God twice indicates the wording mirrors the first set.

It is now time to reveal the much anticipated ten commandments. Now remember, this is the inerrant word of God:

1. Thou shalt worship no other gods. This is a match with Exodus 20 except it's lots wordier. Thrice this commandment tells us not to go "a whoring" after other gods. No problem! All gods will remain strictly separate of my numerous whoring activities.
2. Thou shalt make thee no molten gods. Good news -- this must mean graven images are now ok.
3. The feast of unleavened bread shalt thou keep in the month when the ear is on the corn. What month is that? Also, firstborn male sons, cattle, ox and sheep are God's. "But the firstling of an ass thou shalt redeem with a lamb: and if thou redeem [him] not, then shalt thou break his neck." Stating the obvious here.
4. Six days shalt thou work, but on the seventh thou shalt rest. Another match with Exodus 20.
5. Thou shalt observe the feast of weeks. I do enjoy a good feast.
6. Three times a year, the male folk are to appear before the Lord. How would this work exactly? Does God show up down here? Do the men visit him in heaven? Do they all go at once? How do they get there?
7. Thou shalt not offer the blood of my sacrifice with leavened bread. This one's self explanatory.
8. The fat of my feast shall not remain all night until the morning. So I guess take the garbage out.
9. Take the first fruits of your land to the house of the Lord. This commandment is probably easier to observe if you farm. Well, assuming you know how to get to God's house, that is.
10. Thou shalt not boil a baby goat in its mother's milk. A commandment I am guaranteed never to brakest.

If you don't follow these holy guidelines, please know that God "will send punishment on children for the sins of their fathers." He will visit your kin with iniquities for four generations. But he's a just and merciful god.