Leviticus 9-12

After Moses and the gang's seven days in the tabernacle are up, guess what the first item on the agenda is? That's right, animal sacrifice - a calf and baby goat for a sin offering; a ram, calf and lamb for a burnt offering; a bull and ram for a peace offering; and a meat offering mingled with oil. And Moses said, this is the thing which the Lord commanded that ye should do: and the glory of the Lord shall appear unto you. Thankfully there is a never ending supply of animals to slaughter, or I don't know what we'd do.

Aaron and sons carry out the familiar rituals - mutilating the dead animals, sprinkling blood round about, washing the inwards, smearing blood on the altar, waving the breast and right shoulder in the air, and so on. This pleases the Lord very much, for "the glory of the Lord" appeared before the people. I'm not sure if he's in person form or if it's one of his shape shifter incarnations. A fire came out from before the Lord and consumed the burnt offering and the fat. When the people saw, they shouted and fell on their faces. My goodness that is a hilarious visual.

Just as everything is moving along swimmingly, tragedy befalls us. Aaron's sons Nadab and Abihu mix up some incense and fire at the altar. Standard stuff, but the only problem is God has not commanded them to do so. Penalty: death. You pull a stunt like that and you've got it coming. God blasts them both with flames and murders them. Moses instructs the remaining kin to carry the toasty departed out of the camp and explains how to avoid the same fate.

The Lord spake unto Aaron, instructing him and his sons not to drink wine or strong drink in the tabernacle. Penalty: death. God also clarifies his expectations on sin offerings, wave offerings, peace offerings and heave offerings.

I bet you have many questions about what is clean and unclean and what you can eateth. Some guidelines:

• Livestock: If it has parted hooves, is cloven footed and cheweth the cud, it is clean and you may eat of it. Swine, camels, coneys and hares are out. Do not eat them or touch their carcasses.
• Fish: If it has fins and scales, it is clean and you may eat of it. Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters is an abomination. I guess that's why we don't eat dolphins. Sidenote: "abomination" is used four times here, so God is serious about this one. If I were you, I wouldn't eat any shrimp.
• Fowls: It is an abomination to eat the eagle (regular and gier), ossifrage, osprey, vulture, raven, owl (little, regular and great), hawk (regular and night), cuckow, cormorant, swan, pelican, stork, heron, lapwing and bat. 
• Flying creeping things: You may eat of every flying creeping thing that goeth upon all four, which have legs above their feet, to leap withal upon the earth. Great news: we can eat beetles, grasshoppers and locusts. The other flying creeping things that have four feet are an abomination and you are not to even touch their carcasses (should this happen, you are unclean until nightfall and need to wash your clothes).
• Creeping things that creep upon the earth: Do not touch or eat the weasel, mouse, tortoise, ferret, chameleon, lizard, snail or mole. Where these creatures die is unclean. If one croaks in an earthen vessel, break it.

A woman who delivers a man child is unclean for seven days and shall continue in the blood of her purifying for 33 days. If she has a maid child, she is unclean for 14 days and needs 66 days for purification. She shall touch no hallowed thing or visit the sanctuary during her unclean time. The final step in the purification process is, you guessed it, an animal sacrifice. A lamb and a pigeon or turtledove are preferable, but two turtles will be accepted if that's all you can find.

Next up: leprosy. A plague on the skin of thy flesh.