Leviticus 19-21

God spake unto Moses some more in Leviticus 19, continuing with his instruction on how to be holy. Molten images and taking God's name in vain are still out of the question, but offerings of various dead animals continue to please the Lord greatly. Don't steal, don't deal falsely with others, don't curse the deaf, and don't put a stumbling block in front of a blind person. It's also very important that you refrain from rounding the corners of your head or your beard. If you force yourself on your slave and she's engaged, she will be scourged. Great news though - she won't be put to death because she was not free to decide on the sex connection. So if she's raped, she won't be murdered? Thanks, God! Also, stand up as a gesture of respect to old people, don't mix cattle breeds, and don't get any tattoos.

Favorite verse in Leviticus 19: "Do not prostitute thy daughter, to cause her to be a whore; lest the land fall to whoredom, and the land become full of wickedness." Don't sell your daughter into prostitution, but not because you're concerned for her welfare. Be more concerned with the state of the land, like any good parent would.

The Lord continues to drone on to Moses in Leviticus 20, but he's getting more agitated about all his rules and regulations. God brings up Molech again. Instead of just saying not to worship this counterfeit god, he says you'll be stoned to death if you do. You don't have to read very much of the bible to see how various religions and sects justify murdering people of differing views.

Those who commit adultery or have homosexual sex will be executed. For I am the LORD your God. The next time some numskull says homosexuality is immoral, tell them this part of the bible also says you'll be executed if you curse your parents. If a man sleeps with a gal on the rag (if he uncovers her fountain of blood), they will be cut off from the chosen people forever. How did they police this one?  If a man fucks an animal, he will be put to death. And so will the animal. Jesus.

Leviticus 21 focuses more on the sons of Aaron, the priests. They are not to shave their heads, cut their beards or get tattoos. High priests are to keep their heads covered and their clothing in order. They are to marry virgins, not widows, divorcees or harlots. They must not be near dead bodies. This would make it hard to officiate at funerals, no?

The best part of this chapter is the list of who is not eligible for the priesthood. Let's say you're a son of Aaron and are super devoted to the Lord your God. Well, that's not good enough. You're forbidden from becoming a priest if you have a blemish, are blind, lame, have a flat nose or anything superfluous. You are similarly unwelcome if you are brokenfooted, brokenhanded, crook backed, a dwarf, have a blemish in your eye, have scurvy, scabs or are infertile ("broken stones"). You are not holy if you are any of these things. Scram, ugly folk.