Joseph is 17 when Jacob/Israel takes the clan to Canaan. One of Joe's favorite pastimes is tattling on his brothers. "Joseph brought unto his father their evil report." If it's acceptable to these folks to trick all the men in a town into circumcision and then - ha! ha! - murder them, I wonder what qualifies as evil.
For no apparent reason, Jacob loves Joseph more than his other sons and makes him a coat of many colors. How he loved his coat of many colors. It was red and yellow and green and brown and blue.
Joe's other favorite pastime is interpreting dreams. He informs his brothers of his dreams that clearly indicate the 11 of them will someday bow down to him. Needless to say, they aren't big fans of Joe. One day Joseph checks up on his brethren as they feed the flock, and they see their chance to get rid of him. They sell him to some passing Ishmeelites, then kill a goat and splatter its blood on the amazing technicolor dreamcoat. They show the evidence of Joe's untimely demise to Dad. Doesn't this sound like a charming premise for a musical? There's one more angel in heaven. There's one more star in the sky. Joseph, we'll never forget you. It's tough! But we're gonna get by.
Meanwhile, Joe is sold into slavery to Potiphar, an officer of the Pharoah. Potiphar had very few cares. He was one of Egypt's millionaires, having made a fortune buying shares in pyramids.
And then we hear an adorable little story I don't seem to recall in the musical. Joe's brother Judah goes in unto his wife and has three sons, Er, Onan and Shelah. Unfortunately for Er, he is "wicked in the sight of the Lord, and the Lord slew him." That's right. God murders him.
Judah instructs Onan to go in unto Er's wife Tamar, marry her and raise Er's family (huh?). Onan is not completely on board with this idea. Oh, he goes in unto her all right, but he spills his seed on the ground instead of, uh, finishing up inside Tamar. This infuriates God who then murders Onan. The moral of the story, kids, is when you fuck your brother's widow, whatever you do, do NOT pull out. Penalty: Death.
Judah sends Tamar to live with her dad until his (Judah's) son Shelah "be grown" and can come in unto her, so she has that to look forward to. Poor Tamar. And then a bit of sad news - Judah's wife dies. In his grief, he visits his sheep shearer friends. He sees a disguised Tamar and mistakes her for "an harlot." And, you know, a hooker can really cheer a guy up. So they discuss the going rate and settle on a goat (to be provided later) and some other whatnots. Judah and Tamar roll, roll, roll in the hay, and she conceives.
While looking for Tamar to hand over the goat to her, Judah learns she "is with child by whoredom." Judah initially wants her burned alive (hey, she lied!) but then remembers he gave her not unto Shelah as promised. So, she lives. Hooray!
As Tamar delivers twins (boys, of course), one sticks his wee baby arm out of the birth canal and a midwife ties a red thread around his wrist. OK then. He yanks his arm back into the uterus. The other twin slides around him, takes his place at the front of the line and is born first. Because even fetuses understand the value of being the first born.
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