Numbers 27-31

I needed a little break from the bible, and I do apologize for my absence. I've crossed paths with the good book a couple times this week, and I know in my heart it's the Lord calling me back to him. Just today I read this nugget on Facebook: "Many scriptures of the old testament says the Lord revenged, in truth the Lord avenges His people out of love from the enemy!" He does work in mysterious ways, folks.

And now, on with our story.

Numbers 27 talks about how property is passed on when a man with no male heirs dies. In these sad and unfortunate circumstances, the daughters can receive the inheritance. Zelophehad's daughters score some land as a result. God lets Moses know his life is almost over, and Moses selects Joshua as his successor. It's been a good ride, old man, but get your affairs in order.

We learn more rules and rituals in Numbers 28-29. There's Passover and the Feast of Weeks. There's offerings on the Sabbath, the first of the month and every morning and night. God does enjoy a sweet savour, maybe a lamb mingled with an hin of oil. God also requests trumpets on the first day of the seventh month. An atonement on the tenth day would be good. And one goat for a sin offering; beside the continual burnt offering, his meat offering, and his drink offering. This is all very straight forward.

Numbers 30 provides some good, old fashioned patriarchy. When a man makes a vow, he must not break it. But when a woman makes a vow, her husband or father can overrule her and forbid it. I mean, she's a woman. It's not like she has her own brain.

God is good and pissed off again in Numbers 31, which means some Midianites need murdered and pronto. All the adult males they can find including Balaam are slaughtered. This is particularly rude since Balaam could have used his magical powers to curse the Hebrews just a few short chapters ago.

The chosen people also steal all the goods and burn some cities. And the booty, being the rest of the prey which the men of war had caught, was six hundred thousand and seventy thousand and five thousand sheep. And threescore and twelve thousand beeves. And threescore and one thousand asses. And thirty and two thousand persons in all, of women that had not known man by lying with him. I guess the non-virgin gals were murdered too. And how is it that they determined whether a lady they were about to abduct was a virgin or not? I'll leave you with that thought.

Numbers 24-26

In Chapter 24, Balak gets fussy with Balaam about not cursing the Israelites but Balaam cannot go against God's wishes. Balaam says these Hebrews are special and great things are in store for them in the smiting department. "There shall come a Star out of Jacob, and a Sceptre shall rise out of Israel, and shall smite the corners of Moab."

The Hebrews reach Shittim in Chapter 25 and immediately begin whoring with the Moabites. Not the deuce I'd expect to drop in Shittim, but goddammit those Moabites are sexy. Sacrifices are made to other gods, and the real God gets super pissed. Heads are going to roll and pronto.

To make God happy, Phinehas sends a javelin through a Moabite woman's belly straight through her Israeli lover. God then kills 24,000 people via the plague method and makes a convenant of peace with Phinehas for his excellent two-in-one murder. God tells Moses he'd like all Midianites dead. Apparently God has forgotten that Moses' wife is a Midianite. Whoopsie.

Chapter 26 brings us more counting, hooray! A census reveals there are 600,000 fighting men and 23,000 Levites. Caleb and Joshua are not included in the headcount.

Numbers 22-23

Today's episode of the Inerrant Word of God includes a talking donkey.

The Israelites reach Moab (on this side of Jordan). As King Balak watches them arrive, he is understandably nervous given his neighbors' recent fate. Balak wants them smited (smote? smoten? smoted?) and driven from the land so he asks Balaam for help. Apparently Balaam is good at delivering curses. Balaam has a one-on-one with God who tells him he cannot curse the chosen people. Thou shalt go with them instead. There's some back and forth between God and Balak's people, which causes God to change course and tell Balaam to go with Balak's tribe.

Balaam saddles his ass and tags along with the princes of Moab. This makes God very wroth, even though Balaam is doing exactly what he was just told to do. God does the logical thing and blocks his path with an angel wielding a sword. Problem is, the angel is invisible to Balaam. The donkey, however, can see it and stops in the road. Balaam gets angry and beats the donkey who then starts talking.

A talking donkey.

And I'm what's wrong with America for not believing this is the inspired, perfect word of God.

Right.

The donkey wants to know why Balaam is beating the shit out of him. Fair question. The angel then makes itself visible to Balaam who apologizes profusely for the sin of not seeing an invisible angel that God put there to trick him. Clearly that's his fault.

Then Balaam and Balak journey to Kirjathhuzoth and Baal that thence he might see the utmost part of the people.

In Chapter 23, Balaam and Balak make a few more stops. Balak hopes each place is just right for Balaam to do his magic act and smite all the Israelites. God reminds Balaam not to kill the chosen people. Finally they reach Jeshimon which is the perfect spot to sacrifice seven bulls and seven rams. God loves that.