The days of Genesis are long behind us. Jacob's children, the 12 tribes of Israel, are dead and gone. Their descendants are very fertile and have "waxed exceedingly mighty" in Egypt.
A new Pharaoh takes the helm and is concerned the Israelites are a little too plentiful and strong. It isn't clear how he can tell Egyptians from Hebrews. Does he look for the circumcised? This wouldn't include the gals though. Or maybe it's skin color/racism? Somehow he knows who the Hebrews are and enslaves them. Makes sense. The Egyptians work them extra hard, yet they keep multiplying with wild abandon. Pharaoh has had enough so he instructs the Hebrew midwives to kill male Hebrew newborns. The midwives are too God fearing to do so, and God rewards them with houses. Good choice. He also makes Jacob's people extra, extra fertile. Take that, Pharaoh. Then Pharaoh extends his order to everyone in Egypt: "Every son that is born ye shall cast into the river, and every daughter ye shall save alive." This is some sinister stuff. It also makes zero sense.
The Hebrew babe we will later know as Moses is born. His mom can tell he is a goodly child, and it takes her three months to dump him in the Nile. She builds him a little ark of bulrushes, so technically she is meeting Pharaoh's demands, and yet the wee one has a chance of survival. Provided the elements don't get him first. Or wild animals. Or a leaky ark. Or hypothermia. Or starvation.
Pharaoh's daughter finds the baby. Wouldn't there be lots of babies in the water? This is a horrifying image. Or is Moses' mom the only one who complied? Or has only one baby been born? The lady feels sorry for him and selects a wet nurse from the nearby Hebrew slaves. And wouldn't you know, it's Moses' mom! She weans him and hands him over to Pharaoh's daughter to raise. How did she then get rid of Moses' birth mom, and how did she swing bringing a Hebrew kid into the family without Pharaoh knowing?
One verse later, Moses is a grown man. He somehow knows he is an Israelite. He sees an Egyptian beating an enslaved Hebrew and something in him snaps. He murders the Egyptian, then high tails it to Midian to hide. He finds a girl there to marry. She conceives (a son, of course) and they name the baby Gershom, "for he said, I have been a stranger in a strange land." I like finding familiar phrases like this as a I read along. I have to wonder though - how did we pluck a little nugget like this and somehow get past/ignore the ludicrous story where it appears?
OK so the stupid Pharaoh dies. The enslaved Israelites groan and wail loud enough for God to hear. Apparently he's been out to lunch this whole time. He takes notice and is concerned. Because slavery is evil and wrong? Why, no. Because the Hebrews are the descendants of Abraham. And that causes God to remember his little old covenant with Abraham. Hope everyone is circumcised.
Showing posts with label Israel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Israel. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Genesis 46-50
We begin Chapter 46 with an animal sacrifice. God likes those. He promises to protect Jacob and the gang as they journey to Egypt. Jacob's descendants are named in agonizing detail. These sort of verses are taxing just to skim. A sampling: "And the sons of Benjamin were Belah, and Becher, and Ashbel, Gera, and Naaman, Ehi, and Rosh, Muppim, and Huppim, and Ard." zzzzz
And it came to pass the threescore and ten souls of Jacob, which came out of his loins, arrive in Egypt. Father and son finally meet again. They fall upon each other's neck and weep.
Joseph's family tells Pharoah of the terrible famine back in Canaan and asks if they can stay in Egypt. The famine is still underway in Egypt, but whatever. Pharoah approves their stay, and Joseph gets them all set up with the best of the land.
Joseph ends up with all the money, all the land, all the livestock in Egypt. Well, except for the land of the priests (huh?). Locals pay Joseph for the food they grew in the first place. Seems fair. Joe enacts a law where 20% of everything Egyptians grow will be a tax given to the Pharoah. He gets to make laws now evidently. So the Egyptians survive the famine, but it's no picnic being them. Meanwhile, Joe's carpet bagger family is rich and continues to crank out babies. Hey, they're the chosen people.
At 147 years of age, Jacob is near death. He asks Joseph to bury him in Canaan with Abraham, Sarah, Isaac and the sister wives Rebekah and Leah. Joseph promises by putting his hand under his dad's thigh (and where would that be?). Jacob blesses Joseph's sons, Manasseh and Ephraim. He puts his left hand on Manasseh (the first born) which is all wrong. Joseph tries to get his dad to put his right hand on the older son. How can the blessing work if his hands are mixed up? Jacob insists the younger will be greater than the older and his seed shall be a multitude of nations.
Jacob gathers all his sons and says a little something to each of these twelve tribes of Israel. Of course Joseph is the most blessed. Jacob does speak to the murderous acts of Simeon and Levi. He solves that little dilemma by scattering their descendants around Israel. Glad we got that addressed. Let's see. Judah is a lion's whelp, his ass's colt unto the vine. His teeth be white with milk. Issachar is a strong ass couching down between two burdens. Dan shall biteth the horse heels. Blah blah blah, and Jacob dies. Finally.
The Eygptians mourn for threescore and ten days. Why? What has this guy done for them except hog all the good stuff? Joe and his descendants and a few of Pharoah's slaves haul the body to Canaan and bury it. Then they return to Egypt. They do a hell of a lot of traveling between Canaan and Egypt.
Now that Jacob is dead, the brothers fear Joe will requite them all the evil which they did unto him. To his credit, Joseph doesn't. He tells his brethren God has promised them the land of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. The chosen people. The promised land.
Joe gives up the ghost at the age of 110 and is put in a coffin in Egypt. It was a good ride, old man.
And it came to pass the threescore and ten souls of Jacob, which came out of his loins, arrive in Egypt. Father and son finally meet again. They fall upon each other's neck and weep.
Joseph's family tells Pharoah of the terrible famine back in Canaan and asks if they can stay in Egypt. The famine is still underway in Egypt, but whatever. Pharoah approves their stay, and Joseph gets them all set up with the best of the land.
Joseph ends up with all the money, all the land, all the livestock in Egypt. Well, except for the land of the priests (huh?). Locals pay Joseph for the food they grew in the first place. Seems fair. Joe enacts a law where 20% of everything Egyptians grow will be a tax given to the Pharoah. He gets to make laws now evidently. So the Egyptians survive the famine, but it's no picnic being them. Meanwhile, Joe's carpet bagger family is rich and continues to crank out babies. Hey, they're the chosen people.
At 147 years of age, Jacob is near death. He asks Joseph to bury him in Canaan with Abraham, Sarah, Isaac and the sister wives Rebekah and Leah. Joseph promises by putting his hand under his dad's thigh (and where would that be?). Jacob blesses Joseph's sons, Manasseh and Ephraim. He puts his left hand on Manasseh (the first born) which is all wrong. Joseph tries to get his dad to put his right hand on the older son. How can the blessing work if his hands are mixed up? Jacob insists the younger will be greater than the older and his seed shall be a multitude of nations.
Jacob gathers all his sons and says a little something to each of these twelve tribes of Israel. Of course Joseph is the most blessed. Jacob does speak to the murderous acts of Simeon and Levi. He solves that little dilemma by scattering their descendants around Israel. Glad we got that addressed. Let's see. Judah is a lion's whelp, his ass's colt unto the vine. His teeth be white with milk. Issachar is a strong ass couching down between two burdens. Dan shall biteth the horse heels. Blah blah blah, and Jacob dies. Finally.
The Eygptians mourn for threescore and ten days. Why? What has this guy done for them except hog all the good stuff? Joe and his descendants and a few of Pharoah's slaves haul the body to Canaan and bury it. Then they return to Egypt. They do a hell of a lot of traveling between Canaan and Egypt.
Now that Jacob is dead, the brothers fear Joe will requite them all the evil which they did unto him. To his credit, Joseph doesn't. He tells his brethren God has promised them the land of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. The chosen people. The promised land.
Joe gives up the ghost at the age of 110 and is put in a coffin in Egypt. It was a good ride, old man.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Genesis 37-38
Joseph is 17 when Jacob/Israel takes the clan to Canaan. One of Joe's favorite pastimes is tattling on his brothers. "Joseph brought unto his father their evil report." If it's acceptable to these folks to trick all the men in a town into circumcision and then - ha! ha! - murder them, I wonder what qualifies as evil.
For no apparent reason, Jacob loves Joseph more than his other sons and makes him a coat of many colors. How he loved his coat of many colors. It was red and yellow and green and brown and blue.
Joe's other favorite pastime is interpreting dreams. He informs his brothers of his dreams that clearly indicate the 11 of them will someday bow down to him. Needless to say, they aren't big fans of Joe. One day Joseph checks up on his brethren as they feed the flock, and they see their chance to get rid of him. They sell him to some passing Ishmeelites, then kill a goat and splatter its blood on the amazing technicolor dreamcoat. They show the evidence of Joe's untimely demise to Dad. Doesn't this sound like a charming premise for a musical? There's one more angel in heaven. There's one more star in the sky. Joseph, we'll never forget you. It's tough! But we're gonna get by.
Meanwhile, Joe is sold into slavery to Potiphar, an officer of the Pharoah. Potiphar had very few cares. He was one of Egypt's millionaires, having made a fortune buying shares in pyramids.
And then we hear an adorable little story I don't seem to recall in the musical. Joe's brother Judah goes in unto his wife and has three sons, Er, Onan and Shelah. Unfortunately for Er, he is "wicked in the sight of the Lord, and the Lord slew him." That's right. God murders him.
Judah instructs Onan to go in unto Er's wife Tamar, marry her and raise Er's family (huh?). Onan is not completely on board with this idea. Oh, he goes in unto her all right, but he spills his seed on the ground instead of, uh, finishing up inside Tamar. This infuriates God who then murders Onan. The moral of the story, kids, is when you fuck your brother's widow, whatever you do, do NOT pull out. Penalty: Death.
Judah sends Tamar to live with her dad until his (Judah's) son Shelah "be grown" and can come in unto her, so she has that to look forward to. Poor Tamar. And then a bit of sad news - Judah's wife dies. In his grief, he visits his sheep shearer friends. He sees a disguised Tamar and mistakes her for "an harlot." And, you know, a hooker can really cheer a guy up. So they discuss the going rate and settle on a goat (to be provided later) and some other whatnots. Judah and Tamar roll, roll, roll in the hay, and she conceives.
While looking for Tamar to hand over the goat to her, Judah learns she "is with child by whoredom." Judah initially wants her burned alive (hey, she lied!) but then remembers he gave her not unto Shelah as promised. So, she lives. Hooray!
As Tamar delivers twins (boys, of course), one sticks his wee baby arm out of the birth canal and a midwife ties a red thread around his wrist. OK then. He yanks his arm back into the uterus. The other twin slides around him, takes his place at the front of the line and is born first. Because even fetuses understand the value of being the first born.
For no apparent reason, Jacob loves Joseph more than his other sons and makes him a coat of many colors. How he loved his coat of many colors. It was red and yellow and green and brown and blue.
Joe's other favorite pastime is interpreting dreams. He informs his brothers of his dreams that clearly indicate the 11 of them will someday bow down to him. Needless to say, they aren't big fans of Joe. One day Joseph checks up on his brethren as they feed the flock, and they see their chance to get rid of him. They sell him to some passing Ishmeelites, then kill a goat and splatter its blood on the amazing technicolor dreamcoat. They show the evidence of Joe's untimely demise to Dad. Doesn't this sound like a charming premise for a musical? There's one more angel in heaven. There's one more star in the sky. Joseph, we'll never forget you. It's tough! But we're gonna get by.
Meanwhile, Joe is sold into slavery to Potiphar, an officer of the Pharoah. Potiphar had very few cares. He was one of Egypt's millionaires, having made a fortune buying shares in pyramids.
And then we hear an adorable little story I don't seem to recall in the musical. Joe's brother Judah goes in unto his wife and has three sons, Er, Onan and Shelah. Unfortunately for Er, he is "wicked in the sight of the Lord, and the Lord slew him." That's right. God murders him.
Judah instructs Onan to go in unto Er's wife Tamar, marry her and raise Er's family (huh?). Onan is not completely on board with this idea. Oh, he goes in unto her all right, but he spills his seed on the ground instead of, uh, finishing up inside Tamar. This infuriates God who then murders Onan. The moral of the story, kids, is when you fuck your brother's widow, whatever you do, do NOT pull out. Penalty: Death.
Judah sends Tamar to live with her dad until his (Judah's) son Shelah "be grown" and can come in unto her, so she has that to look forward to. Poor Tamar. And then a bit of sad news - Judah's wife dies. In his grief, he visits his sheep shearer friends. He sees a disguised Tamar and mistakes her for "an harlot." And, you know, a hooker can really cheer a guy up. So they discuss the going rate and settle on a goat (to be provided later) and some other whatnots. Judah and Tamar roll, roll, roll in the hay, and she conceives.
While looking for Tamar to hand over the goat to her, Judah learns she "is with child by whoredom." Judah initially wants her burned alive (hey, she lied!) but then remembers he gave her not unto Shelah as promised. So, she lives. Hooray!
As Tamar delivers twins (boys, of course), one sticks his wee baby arm out of the birth canal and a midwife ties a red thread around his wrist. OK then. He yanks his arm back into the uterus. The other twin slides around him, takes his place at the front of the line and is born first. Because even fetuses understand the value of being the first born.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Genesis 33-36
Jacob reaches Canaan. Fearing Esau's reaction, he sends his slaves and their kids first, then Leah (the wife he doesn't love) and her kids, then Rachel and her kids. So if there's any trouble, people can be slaughtered in the order most suitable to Jacob, I suppose.
And then the first heartwarming thing I've read so far happens. Esau embraces his brother. Just like that. Fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept. Esau had grounds to be a real monster to Jacob, and yet he forgives. He tells Jacob the gift of livestock is not necessary, but Jacob insists that he keep them. They part on good terms. Jacob travels through a few places, buys some land and names the place Elelohe-Israel. Again with the naming of places. I don't get this at all.
Leah's daughter Dinah catches the eye of Shechem, son of the local prince. "He took her, and lay with her, and defiled her." That makes him sound like a total rapist but the next verse indicates he fell in love with her. I don't know what Dinah thinks of the situation. As a woman, she gets no opinion. Dinah's brothers Simeon and Levi get wind of this and they are very wroth, even though Shechem apparently has fallen for the gal. His soul clave unto her.
Shechem and his father pledge to pay any dowry for Dinah's hand in marriage. The brothers say we sure would like for you to marry our sister but look at that uncircumcised penis. We can't have that. In fact, everyone around here looks to have a foreskin. So the prince returns to his town and, you guessed it, it's circumcision for everyone! That must have been quite a party. Ah, but Simeon and Levi have played a little joke on Shechem. They remain very wroth. They take their swords and kill Shechem, his father AND all the local men. They steal all their wealth, all their livestock, all their children, and all their wives. Jacob is worried this will make him look bad.
God tells Jacob this would be a good time to get out of Dodge. How about you make a nice altar for me in Bethel? Jacob, recognizing this is a small price to pay for escaping the outright murder of who knows how many people, gathers the household and hits the road. He asks everyone to give up their "strange gods" and earrings first. Obviously you'd want to leave those behind. As they travel, the terror of God is put upon all the neighboring towns so no one will mess with them. Yes they are murdering thugs, but they're the chosen people, the descendants of Abraham.
They build the requested altar in Bethel which pleases God very much. He says from now on Jacob will be called Israel, the same name the hot man love wrestler gave him (so I guess that guy was an angel?). God says, "kings shall come out of thy loins." Again, what have these people done to deserve such favor? Massacred innocent people? Stole and tricked and lied at every turn?
Rachel dies in childbirth. Her parting words to Jacob are she'd like the baby to be named Benoni. Jacob promptly names him Benjamin. Hey, she's dead, she won't know the difference. And Jacob, if you didn't know, is the best!
Isaac reappears out of nowhere and "gives up the ghost" (love this phrase) after 180 years.
Chapter 36 is unbearable and I would rather take a beating than read it. It lists all the generations of Esau. Forty one verses of crap like this: "And Husham died, and Hadad the son of Bedad, who smote Midian in the field of Moab, reigned in his stead: and the name of his city [was] Avith."
And then the first heartwarming thing I've read so far happens. Esau embraces his brother. Just like that. Fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept. Esau had grounds to be a real monster to Jacob, and yet he forgives. He tells Jacob the gift of livestock is not necessary, but Jacob insists that he keep them. They part on good terms. Jacob travels through a few places, buys some land and names the place Elelohe-Israel. Again with the naming of places. I don't get this at all.
Leah's daughter Dinah catches the eye of Shechem, son of the local prince. "He took her, and lay with her, and defiled her." That makes him sound like a total rapist but the next verse indicates he fell in love with her. I don't know what Dinah thinks of the situation. As a woman, she gets no opinion. Dinah's brothers Simeon and Levi get wind of this and they are very wroth, even though Shechem apparently has fallen for the gal. His soul clave unto her.
Shechem and his father pledge to pay any dowry for Dinah's hand in marriage. The brothers say we sure would like for you to marry our sister but look at that uncircumcised penis. We can't have that. In fact, everyone around here looks to have a foreskin. So the prince returns to his town and, you guessed it, it's circumcision for everyone! That must have been quite a party. Ah, but Simeon and Levi have played a little joke on Shechem. They remain very wroth. They take their swords and kill Shechem, his father AND all the local men. They steal all their wealth, all their livestock, all their children, and all their wives. Jacob is worried this will make him look bad.
God tells Jacob this would be a good time to get out of Dodge. How about you make a nice altar for me in Bethel? Jacob, recognizing this is a small price to pay for escaping the outright murder of who knows how many people, gathers the household and hits the road. He asks everyone to give up their "strange gods" and earrings first. Obviously you'd want to leave those behind. As they travel, the terror of God is put upon all the neighboring towns so no one will mess with them. Yes they are murdering thugs, but they're the chosen people, the descendants of Abraham.
They build the requested altar in Bethel which pleases God very much. He says from now on Jacob will be called Israel, the same name the hot man love wrestler gave him (so I guess that guy was an angel?). God says, "kings shall come out of thy loins." Again, what have these people done to deserve such favor? Massacred innocent people? Stole and tricked and lied at every turn?
Rachel dies in childbirth. Her parting words to Jacob are she'd like the baby to be named Benoni. Jacob promptly names him Benjamin. Hey, she's dead, she won't know the difference. And Jacob, if you didn't know, is the best!
Isaac reappears out of nowhere and "gives up the ghost" (love this phrase) after 180 years.
Chapter 36 is unbearable and I would rather take a beating than read it. It lists all the generations of Esau. Forty one verses of crap like this: "And Husham died, and Hadad the son of Bedad, who smote Midian in the field of Moab, reigned in his stead: and the name of his city [was] Avith."
Monday, October 10, 2011
Genesis 32
After this chapter, I'll group a few together. I gotta pick up the pace or I'll never finish this damn book. Plus, we're getting to the Jacob and the Technicolor Dreamcoat story, and you can listen to the soundtrack to fill in the blanks. I have to tell you, trudging through the bible is a genuine chore. The sex scenes and absurdities do help liven things up, so thank you God for that.
Jacob starts the trek home to Canaan. He's nervous about reuniting with his brother Esau. Recall that Jacob was an a-hole to Esau, stealing birth rights and such. He divides his slaves and livestock into two groups. I guess if there is trouble, only half of Team Jacob will get slaughtered. He doesn't put himself in harm's way though. He prepares a gift of 530 livestock for his brother. Here's some camels and she asses, sorry about screwing up your life. The fraidy cat gives them to his slaves to deliver.
Jacob sends his family and servants ahead of him and spends the night alone. Well, not exactly alone. "There wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day." We don't know who the man is, or how/why they met, but they went at it all night. There doesn't seem to be any anger in the wrestling, in fact they part ways in the morning with a blessing. It certainly was a rough-and-tumble night though, as "the hollow of Jacob's thigh" gets bruised up. Ooh la la. The guy won't tell Jacob his name. Probably best to keep these things discreet. He renames Jacob "Israel" before he scampers off.
And Jacob called the place Peniel. Who could make this up? Ah yes, I had a wild night with a mystery man here in thy place, I name thee Peniel.
And what is with bible men naming places as they travel around? How do they know a given place is not already named? Or that the town name is not already in use? And who are you to decide what gets named? Small detail but you can poke holes at every turn in this book.
P.S. The children of Israel will not eat the sinew of the thigh of any animal, as a result of Jacob's injury during his special night with the "wrestler." Good thinking.
Jacob starts the trek home to Canaan. He's nervous about reuniting with his brother Esau. Recall that Jacob was an a-hole to Esau, stealing birth rights and such. He divides his slaves and livestock into two groups. I guess if there is trouble, only half of Team Jacob will get slaughtered. He doesn't put himself in harm's way though. He prepares a gift of 530 livestock for his brother. Here's some camels and she asses, sorry about screwing up your life. The fraidy cat gives them to his slaves to deliver.
Jacob sends his family and servants ahead of him and spends the night alone. Well, not exactly alone. "There wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day." We don't know who the man is, or how/why they met, but they went at it all night. There doesn't seem to be any anger in the wrestling, in fact they part ways in the morning with a blessing. It certainly was a rough-and-tumble night though, as "the hollow of Jacob's thigh" gets bruised up. Ooh la la. The guy won't tell Jacob his name. Probably best to keep these things discreet. He renames Jacob "Israel" before he scampers off.
And Jacob called the place Peniel. Who could make this up? Ah yes, I had a wild night with a mystery man here in thy place, I name thee Peniel.
And what is with bible men naming places as they travel around? How do they know a given place is not already named? Or that the town name is not already in use? And who are you to decide what gets named? Small detail but you can poke holes at every turn in this book.
P.S. The children of Israel will not eat the sinew of the thigh of any animal, as a result of Jacob's injury during his special night with the "wrestler." Good thinking.
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