Exodus 1-2

The days of Genesis are long behind us. Jacob's children, the 12 tribes of Israel, are dead and gone. Their descendants are very fertile and have "waxed exceedingly mighty" in Egypt.

A new Pharaoh takes the helm and is concerned the Israelites are a little too plentiful and strong. It isn't clear how he can tell Egyptians from Hebrews. Does he look for the circumcised? This wouldn't include the gals though. Or maybe it's skin color/racism? Somehow he knows who the Hebrews are and enslaves them. Makes sense. The Egyptians work them extra hard, yet they keep multiplying with wild abandon. Pharaoh has had enough so he instructs the Hebrew midwives to kill male Hebrew newborns. The midwives are too God fearing to do so, and God rewards them with houses. Good choice. He also makes Jacob's people extra, extra fertile. Take that, Pharaoh. Then Pharaoh extends his order to everyone in Egypt: "Every son that is born ye shall cast into the river, and every daughter ye shall save alive." This is some sinister stuff. It also makes zero sense.

The Hebrew babe we will later know as Moses is born. His mom can tell he is a goodly child, and it takes her three months to dump him in the Nile. She builds him a little ark of bulrushes, so technically she is meeting Pharaoh's demands, and yet the wee one has a chance of survival. Provided the elements don't get him first. Or wild animals. Or a leaky ark. Or hypothermia. Or starvation.

Pharaoh's daughter finds the baby. Wouldn't there be lots of babies in the water? This is a horrifying image. Or is Moses' mom the only one who complied? Or has only one baby been born? The lady feels sorry for him and selects a wet nurse from the nearby Hebrew slaves. And wouldn't you know, it's Moses' mom! She weans him and hands him over to Pharaoh's daughter to raise. How did she then get rid of Moses' birth mom, and how did she swing bringing a Hebrew kid into the family without Pharaoh knowing?

One verse later, Moses is a grown man. He somehow knows he is an Israelite. He sees an Egyptian beating an enslaved Hebrew and something in him snaps. He murders the Egyptian, then high tails it to Midian to hide. He finds a girl there to marry. She conceives (a son, of course) and they name the baby Gershom, "for he said, I have been a stranger in a strange land." I like finding familiar phrases like this as a I read along. I have to wonder though - how did we pluck a little nugget like this and somehow get past/ignore the ludicrous story where it appears?

OK so the stupid Pharaoh dies. The enslaved Israelites groan and wail loud enough for God to hear. Apparently he's been out to lunch this whole time. He takes notice and is concerned. Because slavery is evil and wrong? Why, no. Because the Hebrews are the descendants of Abraham. And that causes God to remember his little old covenant with Abraham. Hope everyone is circumcised.

Genesis 46-50

We begin Chapter 46 with an animal sacrifice. God likes those. He promises to protect Jacob and the gang as they journey to Egypt. Jacob's descendants are named in agonizing detail. These sort of verses are taxing just to skim. A sampling: "And the sons of Benjamin were Belah, and Becher, and Ashbel, Gera, and Naaman, Ehi, and Rosh, Muppim, and Huppim, and Ard." zzzzz

And it came to pass the threescore and ten souls of Jacob, which came out of his loins, arrive in Egypt. Father and son finally meet again. They fall upon each other's neck and weep.

Joseph's family tells Pharoah of the terrible famine back in Canaan and asks if they can stay in Egypt. The famine is still underway in Egypt, but whatever. Pharoah approves their stay, and Joseph gets them all set up with the best of the land.

Joseph ends up with all the money, all the land, all the livestock in Egypt. Well, except for the land of the priests (huh?). Locals pay Joseph for the food they grew in the first place. Seems fair. Joe enacts a law where 20% of everything Egyptians grow will be a tax given to the Pharoah. He gets to make laws now evidently. So the Egyptians survive the famine, but it's no picnic being them. Meanwhile, Joe's carpet bagger family is rich and continues to crank out babies. Hey, they're the chosen people.

At 147 years of age, Jacob is near death. He asks Joseph to bury him in Canaan with Abraham, Sarah, Isaac and the sister wives Rebekah and Leah. Joseph promises by putting his hand under his dad's thigh (and where would that be?). Jacob blesses Joseph's sons, Manasseh and Ephraim. He puts his left hand on Manasseh (the first born) which is all wrong. Joseph tries to get his dad to put his right hand on the older son. How can the blessing work if his hands are mixed up? Jacob insists the younger will be greater than the older and his seed shall be a multitude of nations.

Jacob gathers all his sons and says a little something to each of these twelve tribes of Israel. Of course Joseph is the most blessed. Jacob does speak to the murderous acts of Simeon and Levi. He solves that little dilemma by scattering their descendants around Israel. Glad we got that addressed. Let's see. Judah is a lion's whelp, his ass's colt unto the vine. His teeth be white with milk. Issachar is a strong ass couching down between two burdens. Dan shall biteth the horse heels. Blah blah blah, and Jacob dies. Finally.

The Eygptians mourn for threescore and ten days. Why? What has this guy done for them except hog all the good stuff? Joe and his descendants and a few of Pharoah's slaves haul the body to Canaan and bury it. Then they return to Egypt. They do a hell of a lot of traveling between Canaan and Egypt.

Now that Jacob is dead, the brothers fear Joe will requite them all the evil which they did unto him. To his credit, Joseph doesn't. He tells his brethren God has promised them the land of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. The chosen people. The promised land.

Joe gives up the ghost at the age of 110 and is put in a coffin in Egypt. It was a good ride, old man.

Genesis 42-45

Ten of Joseph's brothers head to Egypt. Benjamin stays with Daddy who wants one son safe at home if tragedy befalls the others during their travels.

Joe recognizes his brothers but they don't know who he is. He returns to his jackass habits of the past and toys with them quite a bit. He puts them in jail for three days, then decides to send all but Simeon home to retrieve the missing brother. He says this will prove they are not spies. While Simeon is tied up, the others haul some corn home. They freak out when they realize their corn sacks contain money that isn't theirs.

Jacob is unhappy when informed of the need to take Benjamin to Egypt. Reuben replies, hey if I don't return Ben and Simeon safe and sound, you can kill my two sons. A tit-for-tat kind of deal. Good thinking. Jacob asks why did you mention Benjamin in the first place? Why couldn't you be liars like me? But alas, they're out of corn and must return to Egypt. And, oh yeah, Simeon is still in jail. I don't feel sorry for him though as he did massacre a bunch of people a few chapters back.

The brothers return with gifts (myrrh and whatnot), money for more corn and the money that was slipped into their corn sacks. Joe tells them to relax about the money, frees Simeon, lets them wash their feet and gives their asses provender. When Joe sees Benjamin, he gets antsy to reveal who he is. "For his bowels did yearn upon his brother." He's so excited he could poop. They have a big feast and marvel upon one another.

Joseph sends the 11 off with more corn and cash, this time slipping a silver cup into Ben's corn bag. He then sends his goons after them and "they speedily took down every man his sack to the ground." Ouch. They find the "stolen" silver cup and haul everyone back before Joseph. Joe threatens to kill Ben, and Judah pleads to take his life instead. This test proves the brothers are reformed and worthy, so he finally tells them who he is. And thank God, because I didn't think this chapter would ever end.

Chapter 45 ties up this little episode nicely. Joseph says if he hadn't been sold into slavery, he couldn't have saved Egypt from famine. God sent him to be a prisoner, so he could become a lord of Egypt. This reasoning could be used to justify some shitty behavior -- sorry I pushed you into slavery but, well, it was God's will.

Hugging and kissing ensues, and everyone weeps upon thy brother's neck. Pharoah and his slaves are very pleased. Slaves love a good family reunion. Pharoah announces all the good of the land of Egypt belongs to Joe's brethren and sends them home with wagons of gifts. Joe's career is well established, so he stays put in Egypt.

When Jacob learns Joseph is alive and well, he pledges to see him again before he dies. That's right, they're going back to Egypt. Again.

Genesis 39-41

Potiphar can see the Lord is with his new slave Joseph (whatever that means) and puts him in charge of the house. Because Joseph is such a goodly person and well favored, God blesses Potiphar's home, crops and possessions.

Potiphar's wife has the hots for Joseph, but he continually refuses her. She gets pretty animated about it and grabs his garment while demanding sex. He flees. She uses the clothing as evidence that the Hebrew servant tried to rape her. Potiphar is very wroth and throws Joe in jail next to Pharoah's butler and baker.

The guard can see the Lord is with Joseph (again, what?) so he puts him in charge of the butler and baker. The prison guard puts a prisoner in charge of the other prisoners. Right. The butler and baker dream some dreams. You can listen to the soundtrack for details. "And Joseph came in unto them in the morning, and looked upon them, and behold, they were sad." Supposedly they are sad because they don't understand the meaning of their dreams, but until this point in the bible the phrase "came in unto them" has been reserved for naughty time. Bow chicka wow wow. I guess it is a prison. Anyway, Joe informs them the butler's dream means he will be released from jail in three days (and he is). The baker's dream means Pharoah will hang him from a tree in three days (and he does).

Two years later Pharoah dreams about seven skinny cows eating fat cows, and seven pitiful ears of corn eating seven beautiful ears of corn. And, behold, it was a dream. Clearly it means something very important. So how do these folks know which dreams mean something and which are the random nonsense that everyone dreams every night? Pharoah summons all the magicians in Egypt but they too are stumped. The butler tells Pharoah about the faithful Hebrew servant Joseph.

Pharoah calls for the imprisoned Joseph, who shaves, changes his clothes and "came in unto Pharoah." I guess that's one way to break the ice. Joe, wouldn't you know, can interpret the dreams: Egypt will have seven years of feast and seven of famine. Pharoah is impressed with Joseph's obvious talents and makes him his second in command. He gives Joe fine clothes, jewelry, a chariot, a wife and a new name: Zaphnathpaaneah.

During the seven plentiful years, Joseph directs all the surplus to be stored. Apparently being in a dungeon the past few years has sharpened his leadership skills. His wife bares two babes (sons, of course), Manasseh and Ephraim. And then the famine strikes. People somehow know food is stored in Egypt and show up in droves from other lands. Pharoah directs all the hungry people to Joseph. Chapter 41 ends as Jacob sends his sons to Egypt to buy corn. We're right on the cusp of a brotherly reunion.