Genesis 25

No kinky sex in Chapter 25, just garden variety slavery, infertility and impossibly old people. Ho hum.

Abraham marries Keturah and the babies show up in droves, but Abraham gives everything he has to Isaac. That sucks for everyone else. He also has children with the sister wife concubines. He gives them gifts, then shoos them out of the house. Abraham "gives up the ghost" after 350 years, and he is buried with Sarah.

Ishmael, Abraham's son with the slave Hagar, has a bunch of kids, 12 of whom are princes. He "gives up the ghost" at the tender age of 137.

Isaac marries, and wouldn't you know it, Rebekah is barren. When Isaac talks to God about it, she gets pregnant. It's a rough pregnancy which God explains like so: "Two nations [are] in thy womb, and two manner of people shall be separated from thy bowels; and [the one] people shall be stronger than [the other] people; and the elder shall serve the younger."

Rebekah gives birth to twin boys. Esau, the firstborn, is red like a hairy garment (what?), outdoorsy, and favored by his father. Jacob is a "plain man" and mommy's boy. He's also kind of a dick who tricks the more dim-witted Esau. One day Esau comes in from the field so famished that he stupidly trades his birthright for a bowl of Jacob's lentil soup. I guess it doesn't much matter as God has already announced the elder is predestined to serve the younger.

Genesis 16-18

Sarai and Abram have been in Canaan for 10 years when they have a little chat about their infertility. Sarai tells Abram he should sleep with her Egyptian slave Hagar, thinking she may have children by Hagar if she can't have one on her own. She gives Hagar to Abram "to be his wife." Hagar of course has no say in the situation. Abram and Hagar go at it, and she gets knocked up. Sarai is upset about this, even though she is the one who suggested it in the first place. Abram reminds her that she has power over her servant and can do to her as she pleases. Sarai then beats the crap out of Hagar who flees.

An angel of the Lord tracks Hagar down and tells her to return to her mistress Sarai and submit to her. The angel says it's ok Hagar, you'll have a son Ishmael, many descendants, and things will be great, you'll see. Slavery is treated neutrally. Also note that the oppressed is told her reward will come later. Good tactic that keeps the little people in their place.

When Abram is 86 years old, Ishmael is born.

Thirteen years later, God shows up again and says Abram and Sarai are now Abraham and Sarah. OK then. Abraham learns he'll be the father of multitudes of nations and kings. God says Ishmael will be blessed, and Sarah, 90 years old by this point, will have a son Isaac who will be very, very blessed. The token of this covenant is... that's right, circumcision. Lop off your foreskins, please. Abraham takes his son and slaves and circumcises them all. Circumcises himself too. WTF. Ever hear of sealing a deal with a handshake?

God appears to Abraham yet again as Abraham sits at the entrance of his tent. Three men are traveling by and Abraham gives them food and water. Very hospitable. I don't know if these fellows are angels or in cahoots with God or what, but one of the men says Sarah will have a son within the year. She is listening from the tent and laughs in disbelief. Did I mention she's 90 years old? God asks Sarah why she is laughing. "Is there anything too hard for the Lord?" Instead of saying, listen I am a 90 year old woman, she denies laughing. Obviously you don't want to be too logical where God is concerned. So how did she know he was God? Was he visible? Did she just hear a voice? I don't get it.

Abraham walks with the three men as they head out of town toward Sodom, which reminds God of what a wicked place Sodom is. The people there sin all the time and God is ready to smote them all. Abraham doesn't want that to happen - his nephew Lot lives there. He makes a deal with God that if 10 righteous people can be found in Sodom, God will spare the city. What a guy.