- It is hard to read. I suspect this is why most people don't read it, including those who claim it's the most important book ever. The wording is thick and clunky. It's hard to follow. It's hard to force myself to plod through.
- It is absurd... Plagues. Talking donkeys. Animal sacrifice. On and on. It just isn't relevant to daily life. Sorry, God.
- It sucks.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Broken Record
Reasons I'm having such a hard time reading the Good Book:
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Deuteronomy 9-16
In today's reading, Moses is still speaking to the Hebrews, summarizing and repeating the law. He's been talking so long, I wonder if anyone is still listening. Also, aren't there like a million people on this journey? Does he have a really boss sound system? How does this work?
Moses reminds the chosen people of the kooky time when they worshipped the golden calf. God was very wroth, and only thanks to Moses were they not destroyed. In anger, Moses did brakest the tablets containing the Ten Commandments though. He and God refashion those and spell out the specifications for an ark to house the new ones. Moses' brother Aaron and his Levite kin, the priests, are to bear the ark of the covenant. As a special bonus, they are left out of inheriting any of the promised land. Sorry about that. Hope you enjoy the honor of toting around the ark made of shittim wood. The Hebrews are to both fear and love God, and to him thou shalt cleave. Circumcise therefore the foreskin of your heart, and be no more stiffnecked. OK then.
Remember when God opened up the Red Sea and swallowed all those people? Remember when the earth opened up her mouth and gobbled up Dathan, Abiram, all of their households and possessions? Isn't God so great and mighty? If you obey his commandments, you will be blessed. If you don't, you will be cursed. Destroy any place that worships other gods. Overthrow their altars, break their pillars, burn their groves, hew down their graven images. Bring your offerings and tithes before the Lord. Don't eat the blood of any sacrificed animal. If someone around you worships another god, you must kill them. If a town is full of such non-believers, destroy it utterly. Why is God so threatened by other gods? If he really is the one true god, what does he care? Shouldn't he be more secure?
Do not cut yourself, nor make any baldness between your eyes for the dead. Thou shalt not eat any abominable thing. Stick with the animals that have cloven hooves and chew the cud. Tithe, tithe, tithe. God needs money, folks. Every seven years, debts are forgiven and slaves are released. If your slave asks to stay, take an awl and thrust it through his ear and he'll be yours forever. What slave asks to stay? And why barbarically pierce his ear? The firstborn male in thy herd and thy flock shalt be eaten before the Lord, unless it has a blemish or is blind or lame. Eat those within thy gates; God doesn't want to see the ugly ones. Don't forget to pour its blood upon the ground like water.
Observe the feast of unleavened bread (Passover) during the month of Abib. Then put the sickle to the corn and celebrate the feast of weeks. The feast of the tabernacles is observed after thy gathers thy corn and thy wine. Three times a year all the menfolk appear before the Lord with an offering associated with each festival. How this works is beyond me. Where do they meet up with him, or do they go up to heaven? How do they get there? What does God need with bread and wine?
Moses reminds the chosen people of the kooky time when they worshipped the golden calf. God was very wroth, and only thanks to Moses were they not destroyed. In anger, Moses did brakest the tablets containing the Ten Commandments though. He and God refashion those and spell out the specifications for an ark to house the new ones. Moses' brother Aaron and his Levite kin, the priests, are to bear the ark of the covenant. As a special bonus, they are left out of inheriting any of the promised land. Sorry about that. Hope you enjoy the honor of toting around the ark made of shittim wood. The Hebrews are to both fear and love God, and to him thou shalt cleave. Circumcise therefore the foreskin of your heart, and be no more stiffnecked. OK then.
Remember when God opened up the Red Sea and swallowed all those people? Remember when the earth opened up her mouth and gobbled up Dathan, Abiram, all of their households and possessions? Isn't God so great and mighty? If you obey his commandments, you will be blessed. If you don't, you will be cursed. Destroy any place that worships other gods. Overthrow their altars, break their pillars, burn their groves, hew down their graven images. Bring your offerings and tithes before the Lord. Don't eat the blood of any sacrificed animal. If someone around you worships another god, you must kill them. If a town is full of such non-believers, destroy it utterly. Why is God so threatened by other gods? If he really is the one true god, what does he care? Shouldn't he be more secure?
Do not cut yourself, nor make any baldness between your eyes for the dead. Thou shalt not eat any abominable thing. Stick with the animals that have cloven hooves and chew the cud. Tithe, tithe, tithe. God needs money, folks. Every seven years, debts are forgiven and slaves are released. If your slave asks to stay, take an awl and thrust it through his ear and he'll be yours forever. What slave asks to stay? And why barbarically pierce his ear? The firstborn male in thy herd and thy flock shalt be eaten before the Lord, unless it has a blemish or is blind or lame. Eat those within thy gates; God doesn't want to see the ugly ones. Don't forget to pour its blood upon the ground like water.
Observe the feast of unleavened bread (Passover) during the month of Abib. Then put the sickle to the corn and celebrate the feast of weeks. The feast of the tabernacles is observed after thy gathers thy corn and thy wine. Three times a year all the menfolk appear before the Lord with an offering associated with each festival. How this works is beyond me. Where do they meet up with him, or do they go up to heaven? How do they get there? What does God need with bread and wine?
Deuteronomy 7-8
When the Hebrews get to the promised land, God assures them he will cast out seven nations greater and mightier than they. We have the Hittites, Girgashites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites and of course the Jebusites. The Hebrews are to smite them and show no mercy. Destroy their altars, groves, and especially their graven images (God hates those). And whatever you do, don't marry one of these horrible people who worship other gods. This will kindle the wrath of God who will destroy the both of you. But he loves you.
If the Hebrews keep up their end of the deal, then God will love thee, and bless thee, and multiply thee: he will also bless the fruit of thy womb, and the fruit of thy land, thy corn, and thy wine, and thine oil, the increase of thy kine, and the flocks of thy sheep, in the land which he sware unto thy fathers to give thee. Thou shalt be blessed above all people: there shall not be male or female barren among you, or among your cattle. Even the cattle will be fertile - excellent.
Also, God will protect the chosen people from being sick but will afflict everyone else. Think about how cruel this is. People tend to worship the god of their parents. You're born into it, indoctrinated and that's all you know. These folks worshipping the wrong god don't have any resources to find out about the "real" god, and yet they are cursed and damned forever. It makes no sense. It's a scare tactic meant to keep people in their place. Don't even think about other gods or else.
The "mighty and terrible" God doesn't want any graven images around. The Hebrews are to burn graven images with fire, for they are cursed things. Apparently this is the most important of the Ten Commandments, since Moses keeps telling us about it over and over again. If you think the 10C are crucial for living a good and moral life, explain this one to me. I don't get it.
This journey to Canaan has taken 40 years to humble thee. God suffered thee to hunger, then fed thee manna - bread that rained down from the heavens - to prove man does not live on bread alone. No, we also need that sweet elixir that is God's word.
Outside of Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, when have you ever seen it rain food from the heavens? Why hasn't this happened since biblical times? One of every seven people is undernourished, and 25,000 of them will die today.* Where is God?
* more on these numbers:
http://www.worldhunger.org/articles/Learn/world%20hunger%20facts%202002.htm
http://www.poverty.com/
If the Hebrews keep up their end of the deal, then God will love thee, and bless thee, and multiply thee: he will also bless the fruit of thy womb, and the fruit of thy land, thy corn, and thy wine, and thine oil, the increase of thy kine, and the flocks of thy sheep, in the land which he sware unto thy fathers to give thee. Thou shalt be blessed above all people: there shall not be male or female barren among you, or among your cattle. Even the cattle will be fertile - excellent.
Also, God will protect the chosen people from being sick but will afflict everyone else. Think about how cruel this is. People tend to worship the god of their parents. You're born into it, indoctrinated and that's all you know. These folks worshipping the wrong god don't have any resources to find out about the "real" god, and yet they are cursed and damned forever. It makes no sense. It's a scare tactic meant to keep people in their place. Don't even think about other gods or else.
The "mighty and terrible" God doesn't want any graven images around. The Hebrews are to burn graven images with fire, for they are cursed things. Apparently this is the most important of the Ten Commandments, since Moses keeps telling us about it over and over again. If you think the 10C are crucial for living a good and moral life, explain this one to me. I don't get it.
This journey to Canaan has taken 40 years to humble thee. God suffered thee to hunger, then fed thee manna - bread that rained down from the heavens - to prove man does not live on bread alone. No, we also need that sweet elixir that is God's word.
Outside of Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, when have you ever seen it rain food from the heavens? Why hasn't this happened since biblical times? One of every seven people is undernourished, and 25,000 of them will die today.* Where is God?
* more on these numbers:
http://www.worldhunger.org/articles/Learn/world%20hunger%20facts%202002.htm
http://www.poverty.com/
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Deuteronomy 5-6
Here are the statutes and judgments which Moses spake in your ears this day. Moses continues rehashing the covenant the chosen people have with God. He reminds them that he alone went up the mountain because they were afraid of God in the form of fire. It's awfully convenient that Moses is always alone when he talks to God - up on a mountain or some other hidden location. This chapter also points out that no one actually saw God; they just heard his voice. Pretty clever there, Moses.
Now you might think we've more than covered the graven image commandment already. You would be wrong. Do not make the likeness of any living thing. Do not bow down to it. Do not serve it. For God is a jealous God. I don't know what else to say about this. It's ridiculous.
Don't take God's name in vain. Keep the Sabbath holy: thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, nor thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thine ox, nor thine ass, nor any of thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates; that thy manservant and thy maidservant may rest as well as thou. Do you know anyone who does this each Sunday? If it's the top 10 list of most important rules, why does almost no one observe it?
Let's see. Honor your father and mother. Don't kill. Don't commit adultery. Don't steal. Don't bear false witness. Don't covet your neighbor's wife, house, field, manservant, maidservant, ox, ass, or anything that is thy neighbor's. When I learned these commandments as a kid, I don't recall anyone mentioning the neighbor's wife is property, on the same level of the ox and ass. Anyway, coveting is very bad. Don't do it.
If the chosen people fear God and keep these super important commandments, it might be well with them and with their children forever! Keep these commandments and love God with all your heart, soul and might, for he brought you out of Egypt with a mighty hand.
Versions of the Ten Commandments we've already covered:
Version 1
Version 2
Now you might think we've more than covered the graven image commandment already. You would be wrong. Do not make the likeness of any living thing. Do not bow down to it. Do not serve it. For God is a jealous God. I don't know what else to say about this. It's ridiculous.
Don't take God's name in vain. Keep the Sabbath holy: thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, nor thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thine ox, nor thine ass, nor any of thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates; that thy manservant and thy maidservant may rest as well as thou. Do you know anyone who does this each Sunday? If it's the top 10 list of most important rules, why does almost no one observe it?
Let's see. Honor your father and mother. Don't kill. Don't commit adultery. Don't steal. Don't bear false witness. Don't covet your neighbor's wife, house, field, manservant, maidservant, ox, ass, or anything that is thy neighbor's. When I learned these commandments as a kid, I don't recall anyone mentioning the neighbor's wife is property, on the same level of the ox and ass. Anyway, coveting is very bad. Don't do it.
If the chosen people fear God and keep these super important commandments, it might be well with them and with their children forever! Keep these commandments and love God with all your heart, soul and might, for he brought you out of Egypt with a mighty hand.
Versions of the Ten Commandments we've already covered:
Version 1
Version 2
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Deuteronomy 4
Moses drones on endlessly during our reading today. I listened to Thomas and the Bible's podcast on Deut. 4-6, and I recommend it. He reads every word and adds his commentary. Very amusing, especially when Moses will not shut up already. He mused about removing all repetitive text and boiling the first five books of the bible down to each item being stated only one time. He thought he'd end up with maybe 20 pages. I can't overstate how repetitive and ridiculous this book is so far. Moses says the same thing over and over again. He keeps saying the same thing. And then, he'll say the same thing again. After that, he repeats it again. Then he restates it. <stabs eye out with a number 2 pencil>
Here's a fun example. Moses is explaining the graven image commandment. Instead of just saying "no graven images" (or not saying it... recall it was already hammered into the ground in Exodus), he says this:
23 Take heed unto yourselves, lest ye forget the covenant of the LORD your God, which he made with you, and make you a graven image, or the likeness of any thing, which the LORD thy God hath forbidden thee.
Here's a fun example. Moses is explaining the graven image commandment. Instead of just saying "no graven images" (or not saying it... recall it was already hammered into the ground in Exodus), he says this:
16 Lest ye corrupt yourselves, and make you a graven image, the similitude of any figure, the likeness of male or female,
17 The likeness of any beast that is on the earth, the likeness of any winged fowl that flieth in the air,
18 The likeness of any thing that creepeth on the ground, the likeness of any fish that is in the waters beneath the earth
I GET IT. Don't make a likeness of any figure. Annnd he keeps going:
24 For the LORD thy God is a consuming fire, even a jealous God.
25 When thou shalt beget children, and children's children, and ye shall have remained long in the land, and shall corrupt yourselves, and make a graven image, or the likeness of any thing, and shall do evil in the sight of the LORD thy God, to provoke him to anger
26 I call heaven and earth to witness against you this day, that ye shall soon utterly perish from off the land whereunto ye go over Jordan to possess it; ye shall not prolong your days upon it, but shall utterly be destroyed.
27 And the LORD shall scatter you among the nations, and ye shall be left few in number among the heathen, whither the LORD shall lead you.
If you've made it this far and are still alive, let's think about what Moses is telling us here. First, in case you didn't know, don't make a graven image! How many times do I have to tell you? And if you DO make a graven image, plan on God destroying you and scattering your brood among the nations. This is irrational and tyrannical. It is not the response of a loving and reasonable God. Verse 24 tells us that he's in fact a jealous God. Jealous of a little statue. Someone explain to me the moral and just lesson I'm supposed to be learning here. I don't get it.
I was raised Catholic and every church is jam packed with what appears to me to be graven images. Statues, pictures, murals, etc. How does this not break a commandment? What about those little St. Joseph statues people use to sell their houses? And why would God care so much about these images to put them in his Top 10 No No's?
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Deuteronomy 1-3
Because I took a substantial break on this project, I reviewed my old work to refresh my memory. I recalled just how torturous it was to get through the first four books. It is terribly hard to read. That's why you haven't read it. Also, it sucks.
Deuteronomy so far is a rehash of what we already know. It begins on the first day of the 11th month of the 40th year of the journey to Canaan, and these be the words of Moses. God is fussy that the group is running in place at Mount Horeb. It is high time the chosen people claimed the land God has set aside for them. Moses names some team leaders - captains over thousands, captains over hundreds, captains over fifties, captains over tens. Twelve men journey ahead of the group to determine the best route. The people still have doubts and fears, and the Lord hears the voice of their words and is very wroth.
Joshua steps up to lead the fight which puts him in very good standing (spoiler alert: he's about to become our next leader). Ye shall not fear them, for the LORD your God he shall fight for you. The journey to Canaan is very violent but it's OK; God has their backs. They are the chosen people, more special than anyone else (I still don't understand why this is so).
Moses recounts how they conquered this land and that king, including Bashon the land of giants. Apparently the giants were bad at slaying normal sized people. That's a shame. They get mowed down like all the rest. The chosen people murder all the men, women and children in their path, then take all the livestock and other spoils for themselves. Those little kids aren't part of the chosen tribe, so tough luck for them. It's God's will, people.
These first three chapters are chock full of gems like this: Jair the son of Manasseh took all the country of Argob unto the coasts of Geshuri and Maachathi; and called them after his own name, Bashanhavothjair, unto this day. Makes you want to read the whole book, right?
Deuteronomy so far is a rehash of what we already know. It begins on the first day of the 11th month of the 40th year of the journey to Canaan, and these be the words of Moses. God is fussy that the group is running in place at Mount Horeb. It is high time the chosen people claimed the land God has set aside for them. Moses names some team leaders - captains over thousands, captains over hundreds, captains over fifties, captains over tens. Twelve men journey ahead of the group to determine the best route. The people still have doubts and fears, and the Lord hears the voice of their words and is very wroth.
Joshua steps up to lead the fight which puts him in very good standing (spoiler alert: he's about to become our next leader). Ye shall not fear them, for the LORD your God he shall fight for you. The journey to Canaan is very violent but it's OK; God has their backs. They are the chosen people, more special than anyone else (I still don't understand why this is so).
Moses recounts how they conquered this land and that king, including Bashon the land of giants. Apparently the giants were bad at slaying normal sized people. That's a shame. They get mowed down like all the rest. The chosen people murder all the men, women and children in their path, then take all the livestock and other spoils for themselves. Those little kids aren't part of the chosen tribe, so tough luck for them. It's God's will, people.
These first three chapters are chock full of gems like this: Jair the son of Manasseh took all the country of Argob unto the coasts of Geshuri and Maachathi; and called them after his own name, Bashanhavothjair, unto this day. Makes you want to read the whole book, right?
Monday, February 11, 2013
A Diversion
I have been having a hard time getting through Deuteronomy. I am trying, but my god. It is beyond terrible.
In other news, I have been re-listening to old podcasts by The Thinking Atheist on my iPod and heard this wonderfulness from 2/29/12 today. I liked it so much I want to put it here:
In other news, I have been re-listening to old podcasts by The Thinking Atheist on my iPod and heard this wonderfulness from 2/29/12 today. I liked it so much I want to put it here:
... it's simply a realization that we live in a real world with real evidence. Cause and effect explains pretty much everything. And the things we don't understand, the things that we're still exploring, well they don't require a fantastic, mythological storybook fantasy. They don't require crazy stories of naked people in a garden or being conjured up from a clot of blood. Or animal spirits. Or looking up at the sky, looking at the stars, reading our horoscopes to see what the stars say about our day.. Should we stay in bed today? Should we go out the front door?! I'm an Aries, I better read up on this.
We are liberated because we understand we only have each other. We're liberated because we're no longer worried about the eye in the sky threatening hell. And honestly, heaven doesn't sound all that great. An eternity of what? Sitting at the feet of Jesus, telling him how awesome he is? Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God almighty who was and is, and is to come, forever and ever and ever and ever.. zzzzzz... Sign me up!
Don't need it, thank you. We're here for a blip, a blink of an eye. Make the most of every moment. It's all we have. And having that realization, embracing that fact, that truth... it's like having the chains lifted. It's like you can fly.
Will people understand? Well, most of them, in our religious culture, probably not. Are we going to catch some serious shit for saying it out loud? You bet. Will it be easy? Probably not. But I tell ya, I'll take this life any day over what I had as a Christian. Trying to jam that square peg into a round hole everyday. This is supposed to work. I've got to make this work. It's got to be my fault. It's got to be my fault. I must not have enough faith. I must not have enough knowledge. I must not be using the discernment of the Holy Spirit to understand. I must not be attuned to the voice of God. I need to pray more. I need to go to church more. I need to do this, I need to do that. I've got to be better. It's my fault that this crazy, batshit, Bronze Age document written by anonymous primitives doesn't make sense to me.The whole thing is gold, but that last bit really resonated with me. It is indeed a crazy, batshit, Bronze Age document written by primitives. And it definitely does not make sense to me.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Update
Since I last posted, I've been busy:
01/31/2013 edit: I've been trying to trudge through Deuteronomy and it is dreadful in every way. I did some reading about Deuteronomy, and apparently it's just a big rehash of Moses' conversations with God and a repetition of the laws. By the end of the book, the group is in the same location on their trek to Canaan as they were in verse 1. I find this very disheartening. I wonder if I will ever, ever finish the good book. Hopefully I live to be 500 or 600 years old like some of these bible folk.
- Got married, had a baby
- Bought a house, sold a house, moved
01/31/2013 edit: I've been trying to trudge through Deuteronomy and it is dreadful in every way. I did some reading about Deuteronomy, and apparently it's just a big rehash of Moses' conversations with God and a repetition of the laws. By the end of the book, the group is in the same location on their trek to Canaan as they were in verse 1. I find this very disheartening. I wonder if I will ever, ever finish the good book. Hopefully I live to be 500 or 600 years old like some of these bible folk.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Thoughts on Numbers
It took me 2.5 months to trudge through this book, including several breaks because it sucked so much. That's all the recap I can provide at this time - sorry.
On we go to Deuteronomy, which I just know is going to be the answer to my prayers... well written, interesting, full of moral lessons and family values.
On we go to Deuteronomy, which I just know is going to be the answer to my prayers... well written, interesting, full of moral lessons and family values.
Numbers 32-36
As the Israelites reach Canaan, we finish the Book of Numbers. There is a God!
The gang arrives in Gilead in Numbers 32. Reuben and Gad are quite taken with the place. It's just perfect for their cattle. Moses grants them permission to settle there if they promise to help slaughter the Canaanites. It's all hands on deck when you've got serious murdering to do. Moses then threatens the wrath of God if Reuben and Gad don't follow through.
Numbers 33 is a recap. You don't know literary torture until you've had to read a bible-style recap.
And the Lord spake unto Moses in Numbers 34, describing Canaan's borders. Eleazar the priest and Joshua the son of Nun are named the leaders who will divide and assign the land.
Numbers 35 gives us some handy guidelines regarding murder. If you purposefully kill someone, say by striking them with an instrument of iron, the punishment is death. If you accidentally kill someone, you are to go to a city of refuge. When the high priest dies, you are free to go. Also, bloodshed pollutes the land. So give a hoot and don't pollute.
If a woman inherits land or money (if there are no male heirs), Numbers 36 instructs that she must marry within her tribe. The gals find this very fair and commence marrying their cousins.
The gang arrives in Gilead in Numbers 32. Reuben and Gad are quite taken with the place. It's just perfect for their cattle. Moses grants them permission to settle there if they promise to help slaughter the Canaanites. It's all hands on deck when you've got serious murdering to do. Moses then threatens the wrath of God if Reuben and Gad don't follow through.
Numbers 33 is a recap. You don't know literary torture until you've had to read a bible-style recap.
And the Lord spake unto Moses in Numbers 34, describing Canaan's borders. Eleazar the priest and Joshua the son of Nun are named the leaders who will divide and assign the land.
Numbers 35 gives us some handy guidelines regarding murder. If you purposefully kill someone, say by striking them with an instrument of iron, the punishment is death. If you accidentally kill someone, you are to go to a city of refuge. When the high priest dies, you are free to go. Also, bloodshed pollutes the land. So give a hoot and don't pollute.
If a woman inherits land or money (if there are no male heirs), Numbers 36 instructs that she must marry within her tribe. The gals find this very fair and commence marrying their cousins.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Numbers 27-31
I needed a little break from the bible, and I do apologize for my absence. I've crossed paths with the good book a couple times this week, and I know in my heart it's the Lord calling me back to him. Just today I read this nugget on Facebook: "Many scriptures of the old testament says the Lord revenged, in truth the Lord avenges His people out of love from the enemy!" He does work in mysterious ways, folks.
And now, on with our story.
Numbers 27 talks about how property is passed on when a man with no male heirs dies. In these sad and unfortunate circumstances, the daughters can receive the inheritance. Zelophehad's daughters score some land as a result. God lets Moses know his life is almost over, and Moses selects Joshua as his successor. It's been a good ride, old man, but get your affairs in order.
We learn more rules and rituals in Numbers 28-29. There's Passover and the Feast of Weeks. There's offerings on the Sabbath, the first of the month and every morning and night. God does enjoy a sweet savour, maybe a lamb mingled with an hin of oil. God also requests trumpets on the first day of the seventh month. An atonement on the tenth day would be good. And one goat for a sin offering; beside the continual burnt offering, his meat offering, and his drink offering. This is all very straight forward.
Numbers 30 provides some good, old fashioned patriarchy. When a man makes a vow, he must not break it. But when a woman makes a vow, her husband or father can overrule her and forbid it. I mean, she's a woman. It's not like she has her own brain.
God is good and pissed off again in Numbers 31, which means some Midianites need murdered and pronto. All the adult males they can find including Balaam are slaughtered. This is particularly rude since Balaam could have used his magical powers to curse the Hebrews just a few short chapters ago.
The chosen people also steal all the goods and burn some cities. And the booty, being the rest of the prey which the men of war had caught, was six hundred thousand and seventy thousand and five thousand sheep. And threescore and twelve thousand beeves. And threescore and one thousand asses. And thirty and two thousand persons in all, of women that had not known man by lying with him. I guess the non-virgin gals were murdered too. And how is it that they determined whether a lady they were about to abduct was a virgin or not? I'll leave you with that thought.
And now, on with our story.
Numbers 27 talks about how property is passed on when a man with no male heirs dies. In these sad and unfortunate circumstances, the daughters can receive the inheritance. Zelophehad's daughters score some land as a result. God lets Moses know his life is almost over, and Moses selects Joshua as his successor. It's been a good ride, old man, but get your affairs in order.
We learn more rules and rituals in Numbers 28-29. There's Passover and the Feast of Weeks. There's offerings on the Sabbath, the first of the month and every morning and night. God does enjoy a sweet savour, maybe a lamb mingled with an hin of oil. God also requests trumpets on the first day of the seventh month. An atonement on the tenth day would be good. And one goat for a sin offering; beside the continual burnt offering, his meat offering, and his drink offering. This is all very straight forward.
Numbers 30 provides some good, old fashioned patriarchy. When a man makes a vow, he must not break it. But when a woman makes a vow, her husband or father can overrule her and forbid it. I mean, she's a woman. It's not like she has her own brain.
God is good and pissed off again in Numbers 31, which means some Midianites need murdered and pronto. All the adult males they can find including Balaam are slaughtered. This is particularly rude since Balaam could have used his magical powers to curse the Hebrews just a few short chapters ago.
The chosen people also steal all the goods and burn some cities. And the booty, being the rest of the prey which the men of war had caught, was six hundred thousand and seventy thousand and five thousand sheep. And threescore and twelve thousand beeves. And threescore and one thousand asses. And thirty and two thousand persons in all, of women that had not known man by lying with him. I guess the non-virgin gals were murdered too. And how is it that they determined whether a lady they were about to abduct was a virgin or not? I'll leave you with that thought.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Bible Whatnots
We interrupt our regularly scheduled program to deliver a few Bible factoids, courtesy of the writings of Barbara G. Walker.
Every so often in our reading, God slaughters hundreds, even thousands, of people. I wondered if anyone has tallied it up. The answer is yes. God kills 371,186 people throughout the course of the bible. He orders the execution of an additional 1,862,265 people. But remember now, he's a just and merciful God. Because he's all knowing and all powerful, he can strike the perfect balance between loving and mass murdering. He really can do it all.
Another fun item - Recall we studied two versions of the Ten Commandments: Exodus 20 and Exodus 34. In reading Ms. Walker's fine work I've discovered we have two more versions of the Ten Commandments to look forward to: Deut. 5 and Deut. 27. That's our next book, folks. We'll also learn in Deuteronomy that unicorns are real and it's an abomination for women to wear pants. I have renewed motivation to finish the horrible, awful Book of Numbers asap.
Stay tuned!
Every so often in our reading, God slaughters hundreds, even thousands, of people. I wondered if anyone has tallied it up. The answer is yes. God kills 371,186 people throughout the course of the bible. He orders the execution of an additional 1,862,265 people. But remember now, he's a just and merciful God. Because he's all knowing and all powerful, he can strike the perfect balance between loving and mass murdering. He really can do it all.
Another fun item - Recall we studied two versions of the Ten Commandments: Exodus 20 and Exodus 34. In reading Ms. Walker's fine work I've discovered we have two more versions of the Ten Commandments to look forward to: Deut. 5 and Deut. 27. That's our next book, folks. We'll also learn in Deuteronomy that unicorns are real and it's an abomination for women to wear pants. I have renewed motivation to finish the horrible, awful Book of Numbers asap.
Stay tuned!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Numbers 24-26
In Chapter 24, Balak gets fussy with Balaam about not cursing the Israelites but Balaam cannot go against God's wishes. Balaam says these Hebrews are special and great things are in store for them in the smiting department. "There shall come a Star out of Jacob, and a Sceptre shall rise out of Israel, and shall smite the corners of Moab."
The Hebrews reach Shittim in Chapter 25 and immediately begin whoring with the Moabites. Not the deuce I'd expect to drop in Shittim, but goddammit those Moabites are sexy. Sacrifices are made to other gods, and the real God gets super pissed. Heads are going to roll and pronto.
To make God happy, Phinehas sends a javelin through a Moabite woman's belly straight through her Israeli lover. God then kills 24,000 people via the plague method and makes a convenant of peace with Phinehas for his excellent two-in-one murder. God tells Moses he'd like all Midianites dead. Apparently God has forgotten that Moses' wife is a Midianite. Whoopsie.
Chapter 26 brings us more counting, hooray! A census reveals there are 600,000 fighting men and 23,000 Levites. Caleb and Joshua are not included in the headcount.
The Hebrews reach Shittim in Chapter 25 and immediately begin whoring with the Moabites. Not the deuce I'd expect to drop in Shittim, but goddammit those Moabites are sexy. Sacrifices are made to other gods, and the real God gets super pissed. Heads are going to roll and pronto.
To make God happy, Phinehas sends a javelin through a Moabite woman's belly straight through her Israeli lover. God then kills 24,000 people via the plague method and makes a convenant of peace with Phinehas for his excellent two-in-one murder. God tells Moses he'd like all Midianites dead. Apparently God has forgotten that Moses' wife is a Midianite. Whoopsie.
Chapter 26 brings us more counting, hooray! A census reveals there are 600,000 fighting men and 23,000 Levites. Caleb and Joshua are not included in the headcount.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Numbers 22-23
Today's episode of the Inerrant Word of God includes a talking donkey.
The Israelites reach Moab (on this side of Jordan). As King Balak watches them arrive, he is understandably nervous given his neighbors' recent fate. Balak wants them smited (smote? smoten? smoted?) and driven from the land so he asks Balaam for help. Apparently Balaam is good at delivering curses. Balaam has a one-on-one with God who tells him he cannot curse the chosen people. Thou shalt go with them instead. There's some back and forth between God and Balak's people, which causes God to change course and tell Balaam to go with Balak's tribe.
Balaam saddles his ass and tags along with the princes of Moab. This makes God very wroth, even though Balaam is doing exactly what he was just told to do. God does the logical thing and blocks his path with an angel wielding a sword. Problem is, the angel is invisible to Balaam. The donkey, however, can see it and stops in the road. Balaam gets angry and beats the donkey who then starts talking.
A talking donkey.
And I'm what's wrong with America for not believing this is the inspired, perfect word of God.
Right.
The donkey wants to know why Balaam is beating the shit out of him. Fair question. The angel then makes itself visible to Balaam who apologizes profusely for the sin of not seeing an invisible angel that God put there to trick him. Clearly that's his fault.
Then Balaam and Balak journey to Kirjathhuzoth and Baal that thence he might see the utmost part of the people.
In Chapter 23, Balaam and Balak make a few more stops. Balak hopes each place is just right for Balaam to do his magic act and smite all the Israelites. God reminds Balaam not to kill the chosen people. Finally they reach Jeshimon which is the perfect spot to sacrifice seven bulls and seven rams. God loves that.
The Israelites reach Moab (on this side of Jordan). As King Balak watches them arrive, he is understandably nervous given his neighbors' recent fate. Balak wants them smited (smote? smoten? smoted?) and driven from the land so he asks Balaam for help. Apparently Balaam is good at delivering curses. Balaam has a one-on-one with God who tells him he cannot curse the chosen people. Thou shalt go with them instead. There's some back and forth between God and Balak's people, which causes God to change course and tell Balaam to go with Balak's tribe.
Balaam saddles his ass and tags along with the princes of Moab. This makes God very wroth, even though Balaam is doing exactly what he was just told to do. God does the logical thing and blocks his path with an angel wielding a sword. Problem is, the angel is invisible to Balaam. The donkey, however, can see it and stops in the road. Balaam gets angry and beats the donkey who then starts talking.
A talking donkey.
And I'm what's wrong with America for not believing this is the inspired, perfect word of God.
Right.
The donkey wants to know why Balaam is beating the shit out of him. Fair question. The angel then makes itself visible to Balaam who apologizes profusely for the sin of not seeing an invisible angel that God put there to trick him. Clearly that's his fault.
Then Balaam and Balak journey to Kirjathhuzoth and Baal that thence he might see the utmost part of the people.
In Chapter 23, Balaam and Balak make a few more stops. Balak hopes each place is just right for Balaam to do his magic act and smite all the Israelites. God reminds Balaam not to kill the chosen people. Finally they reach Jeshimon which is the perfect spot to sacrifice seven bulls and seven rams. God loves that.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Numbers 21
I apologize for the delay. What's holding this process up is the bible itself. It SUCKS, people. No wonder so few people read it. To try to get things moving again, I'm going to post about the next chapter tonight if it kills me. And now on with our story.
We begin Numbers 21 with the news that a Canaanite king has fought off approaching Israelites and taken some as prisoners. The Israelites turn to God -- if you will return our people to us, then we will utterly destroy the Canaanite cities. God, recognizing a good deal when he sees one, hearkens unto the voice of Israel. And they called the place Hormah.
The chosen people continue on by way of the Red Sea to Edom. Forgetting that God struck down 15,000 people a few chapters back, these morons start bitching and moaning. "And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died." Will these people never learn? I guess God has a change of heart because he instructs Moses to build a magic brass rod shaped like a serpent. People who have been bitten and aren't already dead can gaze upon the magic rod and be healed.
Numbers 21 outlines the cities they pass through on their journey. It's pretty much the path you'd expect -- Oboth to Zared to the brooks of Arnon to the border of Moab. And thence they went to Beer where the princes digged a well. Then from Mattanah to Nahaliel to Bamoth. When they get to Sihon, they ask the Amorite king if they can kindly pass through his land. He says no so the Israelites kill a bunch of people and take the land. "Thus Israel dwelt in the land of the Amorites."
Then it's on to Jaazer where Moses and company kill everyone and take their land. It's God's will.
We begin Numbers 21 with the news that a Canaanite king has fought off approaching Israelites and taken some as prisoners. The Israelites turn to God -- if you will return our people to us, then we will utterly destroy the Canaanite cities. God, recognizing a good deal when he sees one, hearkens unto the voice of Israel. And they called the place Hormah.
The chosen people continue on by way of the Red Sea to Edom. Forgetting that God struck down 15,000 people a few chapters back, these morons start bitching and moaning. "And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died." Will these people never learn? I guess God has a change of heart because he instructs Moses to build a magic brass rod shaped like a serpent. People who have been bitten and aren't already dead can gaze upon the magic rod and be healed.
Numbers 21 outlines the cities they pass through on their journey. It's pretty much the path you'd expect -- Oboth to Zared to the brooks of Arnon to the border of Moab. And thence they went to Beer where the princes digged a well. Then from Mattanah to Nahaliel to Bamoth. When they get to Sihon, they ask the Amorite king if they can kindly pass through his land. He says no so the Israelites kill a bunch of people and take the land. "Thus Israel dwelt in the land of the Amorites."
Then it's on to Jaazer where Moses and company kill everyone and take their land. It's God's will.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Numbers 18-20
After such greatly entertaining chapters, we were bound to have a dud in Numbers 18. Again we learn about the rules and regulations involved in being a priest. God has given priestly powers to only Aaron and the Levites, and any stranger who cometh nigh will be put to death. When it comes to offerings, God wants the very best wine, wheat and oil. Make sure the beasts you massacre are the tastiest ones too. He will also take one-tenth of the money tithed by the Israelites, and the Levites get the rest. Such a deal.
In Chapter 19, we learn how to purify ourselves after being defiled by corpses. This is useful information given that so many people were recently slaughtered. He that toucheth a dead man is unclean for seven days. A red heifer without blemish is to be sacrificed. Burn him up and gather the ashes. Mix into the water of separation, and sprinkle it upon unclean people and tents. If you don't do this, you are to be cut off from the chosen people forever.
We begin Chapter 20 on a sad note. Moses' sister Miriam dies and is buried in Kadesh. We spend all of one verse bidding her farewell.
The people are thirsty and complain to Moses and Aaron, who visit the tabernacle and fall on their faces. The glory of the Lord appears, and Moses is instructed to gather everyone before a rock. He is to speak to the rock and it shalt give forth water for man and beast alike. Moses gets a wild hair and decides to hit the rock instead. The water springs forth and the people drink, but this insubordination upsets God so much that he announces he will not bring the congregation into the promised land after all.
Moses and company are on their own for the next step of the journey. Moses sends a messenger to King Edom, asking if they can pass through his land. Edom refuses, so the group goes the way of Mount Hor. God appears again, telling Aaron and his son Eleazar to walk up Mount Hor. Aaron is to be stripped of his garments which will then be worn by Eleazar. Aaron is also instructed to die at the top of the mount, which he dutifully does. When the Israelites learn of Aaron's death, they mourn for 30 days.
In Chapter 19, we learn how to purify ourselves after being defiled by corpses. This is useful information given that so many people were recently slaughtered. He that toucheth a dead man is unclean for seven days. A red heifer without blemish is to be sacrificed. Burn him up and gather the ashes. Mix into the water of separation, and sprinkle it upon unclean people and tents. If you don't do this, you are to be cut off from the chosen people forever.
We begin Chapter 20 on a sad note. Moses' sister Miriam dies and is buried in Kadesh. We spend all of one verse bidding her farewell.
The people are thirsty and complain to Moses and Aaron, who visit the tabernacle and fall on their faces. The glory of the Lord appears, and Moses is instructed to gather everyone before a rock. He is to speak to the rock and it shalt give forth water for man and beast alike. Moses gets a wild hair and decides to hit the rock instead. The water springs forth and the people drink, but this insubordination upsets God so much that he announces he will not bring the congregation into the promised land after all.
Moses and company are on their own for the next step of the journey. Moses sends a messenger to King Edom, asking if they can pass through his land. Edom refuses, so the group goes the way of Mount Hor. God appears again, telling Aaron and his son Eleazar to walk up Mount Hor. Aaron is to be stripped of his garments which will then be worn by Eleazar. Aaron is also instructed to die at the top of the mount, which he dutifully does. When the Israelites learn of Aaron's death, they mourn for 30 days.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Numbers 15-17
In Numbers 15, we return to an old favorite past time, making offerings to God. Numerous rules are spelled out so you know when it's appropriate to slaughter a bullock, ram, lamb, kid, or she goat. These offerings are a sweet savour unto the Lord. He sure does get hungry up there in the sky. God prefers meat offerings to be tossed with a tenth deal of flour and a fourth part of an hin of oil. Please also provide a fourth part of an hin of wine and some spinach dip and pita chips. Those are delicious. "For I am the Lord your God." I like how the bible continually says that, as if it makes it more true or something.
Something hilariously awful happens in Numbers 15. Some children see a man gathering sticks on the sabbath day, which is a clear violation of the Ten Commandments, so they rat him out to Moses and Aaron. Moses in turn tattles to God who determines this horrible person deserves nothing less than to stand before the congregation and be stoned to death. And they stoned him with stones, and he died. The Israelites then add a ribband of blue to their clothing as a reminder to keep God's commandments, after which ye use to go a whoring. The Basic English Bible translates this to being untrue to God, but it's so much more fun to say "go a whoring." So to sum up, if you've ever picked up sticks on the sabbath, you deserve to be put to death.
Chapter 16 shares a heartwarming tale about our perfectly wise and loving God. Korah, one of the Levite priests, garners the support of 250 princes and challenges Moses' authority. When Moses hears of it, he falls upon his face. He has been doing that a lot lately. He might be exhibiting the early signs of MS or even ALS. I hope he gets that checked out. God is called in to settle the dispute. Take a big guess whose side he takes. He causes some of the would-be rebels to be swallowed up by the land, never to be seen again. God lights the others on fire, then whips up some sort of plague. Aaron and Moses high tail it to the incense to make an atonement and appease God. The plague was stayed (whew!) but sadly not before it claims the life of 14,700 people. Next time, I'll get to that incense faster, God.
In Chapter 17, God instructs Moses to gather a rod from the head of each of the 12 tribes of Israel. A rod from each head, check. Write thou every man's name upon his rod. That's a little weird, but whatever gets you off. I'm not here to judge. Moses puts all the rods in the tabernacle, and in the morning Aaron's rod has blossomed and sprouted almonds. The people freak out, believing this is a bad omen. They weren't fazed by 15,000 people being murdered via the plague, fire and spontaneous burial, but oh no, Aaron has nuts at the base of his rod! Whosoever cometh any thing near the tabernacle shall die!
Something hilariously awful happens in Numbers 15. Some children see a man gathering sticks on the sabbath day, which is a clear violation of the Ten Commandments, so they rat him out to Moses and Aaron. Moses in turn tattles to God who determines this horrible person deserves nothing less than to stand before the congregation and be stoned to death. And they stoned him with stones, and he died. The Israelites then add a ribband of blue to their clothing as a reminder to keep God's commandments, after which ye use to go a whoring. The Basic English Bible translates this to being untrue to God, but it's so much more fun to say "go a whoring." So to sum up, if you've ever picked up sticks on the sabbath, you deserve to be put to death.
Chapter 16 shares a heartwarming tale about our perfectly wise and loving God. Korah, one of the Levite priests, garners the support of 250 princes and challenges Moses' authority. When Moses hears of it, he falls upon his face. He has been doing that a lot lately. He might be exhibiting the early signs of MS or even ALS. I hope he gets that checked out. God is called in to settle the dispute. Take a big guess whose side he takes. He causes some of the would-be rebels to be swallowed up by the land, never to be seen again. God lights the others on fire, then whips up some sort of plague. Aaron and Moses high tail it to the incense to make an atonement and appease God. The plague was stayed (whew!) but sadly not before it claims the life of 14,700 people. Next time, I'll get to that incense faster, God.
In Chapter 17, God instructs Moses to gather a rod from the head of each of the 12 tribes of Israel. A rod from each head, check. Write thou every man's name upon his rod. That's a little weird, but whatever gets you off. I'm not here to judge. Moses puts all the rods in the tabernacle, and in the morning Aaron's rod has blossomed and sprouted almonds. The people freak out, believing this is a bad omen. They weren't fazed by 15,000 people being murdered via the plague, fire and spontaneous burial, but oh no, Aaron has nuts at the base of his rod! Whosoever cometh any thing near the tabernacle shall die!
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Numbers 13-14
In Chapter 13, we f-i-n-a-l-l-y reach Canaan. Moses sends a representative from each tribe to "spy out" Canaan. They spend (wait for it) 40 days and 40 nights checking things out. They report that Canaan is indeed the land of milk and honey, but they're fearful of being overpowered by the super sized Canaanites. Caleb thinks they should bust on in and take over, but the rest of the Hebrew spies feel like grasshoppers next to those giants. With crazy biblical names like Issachar, Ephraim and Zebulun, it's funny to see an overly popular name like Caleb. I wonder if Caleb ever has a playdate with Tucker, Parker, Jayden, Aidan or Brayden. Maybe McKenna and Kaylee can join them if it is not their unclean time of the month or they're not busy being stoned to death.
The Hebrews continue complaining in Chapter 14. They go so far as pondering a return to Egypt, where they were slaves... because that's going to be so much better. Morons! When Moses and Aaron get wind of this, they fall flat on their faces in frustration (I am not making this up). Caleb and Joshua address the crowd. How could everyone hear? There's well over a million people, maybe two. Anyway, they remind everyone they have God on their side and the Canaanites don't. The congregation is not convinced and calls for Caleb and Joshua to be stoned to death with stones (in case you're wondering how it's done). At this point, God flies off the handle. He has had enough of these doubters and complainers. He says, "I will smite them with the pestilence, and disinherit them, and will make of thee a greater nation and mightier than they." That's right, God says he'll kill the chosen people and come up with better ones. You didn't hear stories like this in Sunday school, now did you?
Moses asks how this will look to folks with other gods, like those stupid Egyptians, if God smotes all his people because he is unable to get them into the promised land. You've got to think about your street cred, God! Moses also reminds him that he is merciful (since when?), and he basically talks God down... because an all-knowing, loving God would need talked down. Caleb and Joshua earn special favor for their willingness to conquer Canaan but everyone else gets, you guessed it, 40 more years in the wilderness. "And your children shall wander in the wilderness forty years, and bear your whoredoms, until your carcases be wasted in the wilderness." I do hate bearing someone's whoredoms. For good measure, God afflicts a handful of them with a horrible plague and kills them. Are you listening, Hebrews? God will straight up murder your ass, so STFU already!
Then the Amalekites came down, and the Canaanites which dwelt in that hill, and smote them, and discomfited them, even unto Hormah. I'm stating the obvious here.
The Hebrews continue complaining in Chapter 14. They go so far as pondering a return to Egypt, where they were slaves... because that's going to be so much better. Morons! When Moses and Aaron get wind of this, they fall flat on their faces in frustration (I am not making this up). Caleb and Joshua address the crowd. How could everyone hear? There's well over a million people, maybe two. Anyway, they remind everyone they have God on their side and the Canaanites don't. The congregation is not convinced and calls for Caleb and Joshua to be stoned to death with stones (in case you're wondering how it's done). At this point, God flies off the handle. He has had enough of these doubters and complainers. He says, "I will smite them with the pestilence, and disinherit them, and will make of thee a greater nation and mightier than they." That's right, God says he'll kill the chosen people and come up with better ones. You didn't hear stories like this in Sunday school, now did you?
Moses asks how this will look to folks with other gods, like those stupid Egyptians, if God smotes all his people because he is unable to get them into the promised land. You've got to think about your street cred, God! Moses also reminds him that he is merciful (since when?), and he basically talks God down... because an all-knowing, loving God would need talked down. Caleb and Joshua earn special favor for their willingness to conquer Canaan but everyone else gets, you guessed it, 40 more years in the wilderness. "And your children shall wander in the wilderness forty years, and bear your whoredoms, until your carcases be wasted in the wilderness." I do hate bearing someone's whoredoms. For good measure, God afflicts a handful of them with a horrible plague and kills them. Are you listening, Hebrews? God will straight up murder your ass, so STFU already!
Then the Amalekites came down, and the Canaanites which dwelt in that hill, and smote them, and discomfited them, even unto Hormah. I'm stating the obvious here.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Numbers 11-12
Numbers has been mostly boring thus far, so Chapter 11 is a pleasant surprise. As the Hebrews journey towards the promised land, they start complaining about everything. This makes God very angry. You know how it is when you take the kids on a long car trip, and they start acting like spoiled brats. God's reaction is to light several of them on fire. He does have a temper, folks.
The chosen people don't take a hint and whine about being hungry. They are tired of eating manna, the bread that magically falls from the sky. They miss Egypt where they had better food. Even though they were slaves, at least they were well fed. This bitching and moaning makes Moses and God very wroth. Moses has carried these numskulls in his bosom, as a nursing father bearing the sucketh child (what?). And yet they bitch! He asks God to either kill him or shut these people up. God puts his spirit upon 70 elders so they can help Moses out, whatever that means. He then makes a bunch of quail rain down round about the camp. He's still furious and to make himself feel better about feeding these people, he afflicts the quail eaters with a horrible plague and kills them. And he called the name of that place Kibrothhattaavah: because there they buried the people that lusted. Obviously.
Chapter 12 reveals it isn't just the bratty minions who aren't getting along. Moses' siblings Aaron and Miriam are fussy as well. They don't like that Moses married an Ethiopian woman instead of an Israelite. They are also mad that God deals directly with Moses instead of including them. This makes God very wroth and he afflicts Miriam with leprosy. Aaron realizes he's in deep shit and pleads with Moses for mercy. Moses takes this message to God who heals Miriam after she is shut out of the camp for seven days. The entire group of one or two million people have to wait around for seven days until she's good to go.
Those who have not been murdered by God leave Hazeroth and head toward Paran.
The chosen people don't take a hint and whine about being hungry. They are tired of eating manna, the bread that magically falls from the sky. They miss Egypt where they had better food. Even though they were slaves, at least they were well fed. This bitching and moaning makes Moses and God very wroth. Moses has carried these numskulls in his bosom, as a nursing father bearing the sucketh child (what?). And yet they bitch! He asks God to either kill him or shut these people up. God puts his spirit upon 70 elders so they can help Moses out, whatever that means. He then makes a bunch of quail rain down round about the camp. He's still furious and to make himself feel better about feeding these people, he afflicts the quail eaters with a horrible plague and kills them. And he called the name of that place Kibrothhattaavah: because there they buried the people that lusted. Obviously.
Chapter 12 reveals it isn't just the bratty minions who aren't getting along. Moses' siblings Aaron and Miriam are fussy as well. They don't like that Moses married an Ethiopian woman instead of an Israelite. They are also mad that God deals directly with Moses instead of including them. This makes God very wroth and he afflicts Miriam with leprosy. Aaron realizes he's in deep shit and pleads with Moses for mercy. Moses takes this message to God who heals Miriam after she is shut out of the camp for seven days. The entire group of one or two million people have to wait around for seven days until she's good to go.
Those who have not been murdered by God leave Hazeroth and head toward Paran.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Numbers 9-10
It's time for Passover, boys and girls. Those who have been made unclean by a dead body must make an atonement before they can participate, but then it's go time. Passover rituals ensue, then God shows up as the helpful pillar of cloud to guide their journey away from Mt. Sinai.
Now that we're finally moving toward Canaan, God explains how to keep the group together and on task. Instead of just, you know, appearing to everyone and explaining what to do, a complex series of trumpet blasts will be used. There's the blast of one trumpet, the blast of two trumpets, and one or two alarm sounds. When the congregation is to be gathered together, ye shall blow, but ye shall not sound an alarm. Duh.
Trumpets are to be sounded over peace offerings and burnt offerings. No word on what to do about meal offerings or drink offerings. If Moses and the gang find themselves in a vicious cockfight with the enemy, they are to sound a trumpet alarm. This will alert God that he needs to step in and save them from the bad guys. This implies that God is not always paying attention to or protecting his chosen people, and the blast of a trumpet will cause him to tune back in. I guess it's probably time consuming running the entire universe, and the guy just needs some quiet time to zone out.
Chapter 10 helpfully lists all the tribes taking part in this journey, in case they haven't been listed enough already. This is the most repetitive, poorly written POS e-v-e-r. Here's but a sample: "And over the host of the tribe of the children of Manasseh was Gamaliel the son of Pedahzur." Very important detail to include in the good book over and over again, no? At least we're finally moving toward the land of milk and honey, so I can't complain too much. I do love honey.
Now that we're finally moving toward Canaan, God explains how to keep the group together and on task. Instead of just, you know, appearing to everyone and explaining what to do, a complex series of trumpet blasts will be used. There's the blast of one trumpet, the blast of two trumpets, and one or two alarm sounds. When the congregation is to be gathered together, ye shall blow, but ye shall not sound an alarm. Duh.
Trumpets are to be sounded over peace offerings and burnt offerings. No word on what to do about meal offerings or drink offerings. If Moses and the gang find themselves in a vicious cockfight with the enemy, they are to sound a trumpet alarm. This will alert God that he needs to step in and save them from the bad guys. This implies that God is not always paying attention to or protecting his chosen people, and the blast of a trumpet will cause him to tune back in. I guess it's probably time consuming running the entire universe, and the guy just needs some quiet time to zone out.
Chapter 10 helpfully lists all the tribes taking part in this journey, in case they haven't been listed enough already. This is the most repetitive, poorly written POS e-v-e-r. Here's but a sample: "And over the host of the tribe of the children of Manasseh was Gamaliel the son of Pedahzur." Very important detail to include in the good book over and over again, no? At least we're finally moving toward the land of milk and honey, so I can't complain too much. I do love honey.
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