Update

Since I last posted, I've been busy:

• Got married, had a baby
• Bought a house, sold a house, moved

I forgot all about this blog in the meantime, but I'm ready to return to it. I still want to read the bible cover to cover. I have no idea why I want to do this, but I do. So let's get back on it, shall we?

01/31/2013 edit:  I've been trying to trudge through Deuteronomy and it is dreadful in every way. I did some reading about Deuteronomy, and apparently it's just a big rehash of Moses' conversations with God and a repetition of the laws. By the end of the book, the group is in the same location on their trek to Canaan as they were in verse 1. I find this very disheartening. I wonder if I will ever, ever finish the good book. Hopefully I live to be 500 or 600 years old like some of these bible folk.

Thoughts on Numbers

It took me 2.5 months to trudge through this book, including several breaks because it sucked so much. That's all the recap I can provide at this time - sorry.

On we go to Deuteronomy, which I just know is going to be the answer to my prayers... well written, interesting, full of moral lessons and family values.

Numbers 32-36

As the Israelites reach Canaan, we finish the Book of Numbers. There is a God!

The gang arrives in Gilead in Numbers 32. Reuben and Gad are quite taken with the place. It's just perfect for their cattle. Moses grants them permission to settle there if they promise to help slaughter the Canaanites. It's all hands on deck when you've got serious murdering to do. Moses then threatens the wrath of God if Reuben and Gad don't follow through.

Numbers 33 is a recap. You don't know literary torture until you've had to read a bible-style recap.

And the Lord spake unto Moses in Numbers 34, describing Canaan's borders. Eleazar the priest and Joshua the son of Nun are named the leaders who will divide and assign the land.

Numbers 35 gives us some handy guidelines regarding murder. If you purposefully kill someone, say by striking them with an instrument of iron, the punishment is death. If you accidentally kill someone, you are to go to a city of refuge. When the high priest dies, you are free to go. Also, bloodshed pollutes the land. So give a hoot and don't pollute.

If a woman inherits land or money (if there are no male heirs), Numbers 36 instructs that she must marry within her tribe. The gals find this very fair and commence marrying their cousins.

Numbers 27-31

I needed a little break from the bible, and I do apologize for my absence. I've crossed paths with the good book a couple times this week, and I know in my heart it's the Lord calling me back to him. Just today I read this nugget on Facebook: "Many scriptures of the old testament says the Lord revenged, in truth the Lord avenges His people out of love from the enemy!" He does work in mysterious ways, folks.

And now, on with our story.

Numbers 27 talks about how property is passed on when a man with no male heirs dies. In these sad and unfortunate circumstances, the daughters can receive the inheritance. Zelophehad's daughters score some land as a result. God lets Moses know his life is almost over, and Moses selects Joshua as his successor. It's been a good ride, old man, but get your affairs in order.

We learn more rules and rituals in Numbers 28-29. There's Passover and the Feast of Weeks. There's offerings on the Sabbath, the first of the month and every morning and night. God does enjoy a sweet savour, maybe a lamb mingled with an hin of oil. God also requests trumpets on the first day of the seventh month. An atonement on the tenth day would be good. And one goat for a sin offering; beside the continual burnt offering, his meat offering, and his drink offering. This is all very straight forward.

Numbers 30 provides some good, old fashioned patriarchy. When a man makes a vow, he must not break it. But when a woman makes a vow, her husband or father can overrule her and forbid it. I mean, she's a woman. It's not like she has her own brain.

God is good and pissed off again in Numbers 31, which means some Midianites need murdered and pronto. All the adult males they can find including Balaam are slaughtered. This is particularly rude since Balaam could have used his magical powers to curse the Hebrews just a few short chapters ago.

The chosen people also steal all the goods and burn some cities. And the booty, being the rest of the prey which the men of war had caught, was six hundred thousand and seventy thousand and five thousand sheep. And threescore and twelve thousand beeves. And threescore and one thousand asses. And thirty and two thousand persons in all, of women that had not known man by lying with him. I guess the non-virgin gals were murdered too. And how is it that they determined whether a lady they were about to abduct was a virgin or not? I'll leave you with that thought.

Bible Whatnots

We interrupt our regularly scheduled program to deliver a few Bible factoids, courtesy of the writings of Barbara G. Walker.

Every so often in our reading, God slaughters hundreds, even thousands, of people. I wondered if anyone has tallied it up. The answer is yes. God kills 371,186 people throughout the course of the bible. He orders the execution of an additional 1,862,265 people. But remember now, he's a just and merciful God. Because he's all knowing and all powerful, he can strike the perfect balance between loving and mass murdering. He really can do it all.

Another fun item - Recall we studied two versions of the Ten Commandments: Exodus 20 and Exodus 34. In reading Ms. Walker's fine work I've discovered we have two more versions of the Ten Commandments to look forward to: Deut. 5 and Deut. 27. That's our next book, folks. We'll also learn in Deuteronomy that unicorns are real and it's an abomination for women to wear pants. I have renewed motivation to finish the horrible, awful Book of Numbers asap.

Stay tuned!

Numbers 24-26

In Chapter 24, Balak gets fussy with Balaam about not cursing the Israelites but Balaam cannot go against God's wishes. Balaam says these Hebrews are special and great things are in store for them in the smiting department. "There shall come a Star out of Jacob, and a Sceptre shall rise out of Israel, and shall smite the corners of Moab."

The Hebrews reach Shittim in Chapter 25 and immediately begin whoring with the Moabites. Not the deuce I'd expect to drop in Shittim, but goddammit those Moabites are sexy. Sacrifices are made to other gods, and the real God gets super pissed. Heads are going to roll and pronto.

To make God happy, Phinehas sends a javelin through a Moabite woman's belly straight through her Israeli lover. God then kills 24,000 people via the plague method and makes a convenant of peace with Phinehas for his excellent two-in-one murder. God tells Moses he'd like all Midianites dead. Apparently God has forgotten that Moses' wife is a Midianite. Whoopsie.

Chapter 26 brings us more counting, hooray! A census reveals there are 600,000 fighting men and 23,000 Levites. Caleb and Joshua are not included in the headcount.

Numbers 22-23

Today's episode of the Inerrant Word of God includes a talking donkey.

The Israelites reach Moab (on this side of Jordan). As King Balak watches them arrive, he is understandably nervous given his neighbors' recent fate. Balak wants them smited (smote? smoten? smoted?) and driven from the land so he asks Balaam for help. Apparently Balaam is good at delivering curses. Balaam has a one-on-one with God who tells him he cannot curse the chosen people. Thou shalt go with them instead. There's some back and forth between God and Balak's people, which causes God to change course and tell Balaam to go with Balak's tribe.

Balaam saddles his ass and tags along with the princes of Moab. This makes God very wroth, even though Balaam is doing exactly what he was just told to do. God does the logical thing and blocks his path with an angel wielding a sword. Problem is, the angel is invisible to Balaam. The donkey, however, can see it and stops in the road. Balaam gets angry and beats the donkey who then starts talking.

A talking donkey.

And I'm what's wrong with America for not believing this is the inspired, perfect word of God.

Right.

The donkey wants to know why Balaam is beating the shit out of him. Fair question. The angel then makes itself visible to Balaam who apologizes profusely for the sin of not seeing an invisible angel that God put there to trick him. Clearly that's his fault.

Then Balaam and Balak journey to Kirjathhuzoth and Baal that thence he might see the utmost part of the people.

In Chapter 23, Balaam and Balak make a few more stops. Balak hopes each place is just right for Balaam to do his magic act and smite all the Israelites. God reminds Balaam not to kill the chosen people. Finally they reach Jeshimon which is the perfect spot to sacrifice seven bulls and seven rams. God loves that.