Broken Record

Reasons I'm having such a hard time reading the Good Book:

1. It is hard to read. I suspect this is why most people don't read it, including those who claim it's the most important book ever. The wording is thick and clunky. It's hard to follow. It's hard to force myself to plod through.
2. It is absurd... Plagues. Talking donkeys. Animal sacrifice. On and on. It just isn't relevant to daily life. Sorry, God.
3. It sucks.

Deuteronomy 9-16

In today's reading, Moses is still speaking to the Hebrews, summarizing and repeating the law. He's been talking so long, I wonder if anyone is still listening. Also, aren't there like a million people on this journey? Does he have a really boss sound system? How does this work?

Moses reminds the chosen people of the kooky time when they worshipped the golden calf. God was very wroth, and only thanks to Moses were they not destroyed. In anger, Moses did brakest the tablets containing the Ten Commandments though. He and God refashion those and spell out the specifications for an ark to house the new ones. Moses' brother Aaron and his Levite kin, the priests, are to bear the ark of the covenant. As a special bonus, they are left out of inheriting any of the promised land. Sorry about that. Hope you enjoy the honor of toting around the ark made of shittim wood. The Hebrews are to both fear and love God, and to him thou shalt cleave. Circumcise therefore the foreskin of your heart, and be no more stiffnecked. OK then.

Remember when God opened up the Red Sea and swallowed all those people? Remember when the earth opened up her mouth and gobbled up Dathan, Abiram, all of their households and possessions? Isn't God so great and mighty? If you obey his commandments, you will be blessed. If you don't, you will be cursed. Destroy any place that worships other gods. Overthrow their altars, break their pillars, burn their groves, hew down their graven images. Bring your offerings and tithes before the Lord. Don't eat the blood of any sacrificed animal. If someone around you worships another god, you must kill them. If a town is full of such non-believers, destroy it utterly. Why is God so threatened by other gods? If he really is the one true god, what does he care? Shouldn't he be more secure?

Do not cut yourself, nor make any baldness between your eyes for the dead. Thou shalt not eat any abominable thing. Stick with the animals that have cloven hooves and chew the cud. Tithe, tithe, tithe. God needs money, folks. Every seven years, debts are forgiven and slaves are released. If your slave asks to stay, take an awl and thrust it through his ear and he'll be yours forever. What slave asks to stay? And why barbarically pierce his ear? The firstborn male in thy herd and thy flock shalt be eaten before the Lord, unless it has a blemish or is blind or lame. Eat those within thy gates; God doesn't want to see the ugly ones. Don't forget to pour its blood upon the ground like water.

Observe the feast of unleavened bread (Passover) during the month of Abib. Then put the sickle to the corn and celebrate the feast of weeks. The feast of the tabernacles is observed after thy gathers thy corn and thy wine. Three times a year all the menfolk appear before the Lord with an offering associated with each festival. How this works is beyond me. Where do they meet up with him, or do they go up to heaven? How do they get there? What does God need with bread and wine?

Deuteronomy 7-8

When the Hebrews get to the promised land, God assures them he will cast out seven nations greater and mightier than they. We have the Hittites, Girgashites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites and of course the Jebusites. The Hebrews are to smite them and show no mercy. Destroy their altars, groves, and especially their graven images (God hates those). And whatever you do, don't marry one of these horrible people who worship other gods. This will kindle the wrath of God who will destroy the both of you. But he loves you.

If the Hebrews keep up their end of the deal, then God will love thee, and bless thee, and multiply thee: he will also bless the fruit of thy womb, and the fruit of thy land, thy corn, and thy wine, and thine oil, the increase of thy kine, and the flocks of thy sheep, in the land which he sware unto thy fathers to give thee. Thou shalt be blessed above all people: there shall not be male or female barren among you, or among your cattle. Even the cattle will be fertile - excellent.

Also, God will protect the chosen people from being sick but will afflict everyone else. Think about how cruel this is. People tend to worship the god of their parents. You're born into it, indoctrinated and that's all you know. These folks worshipping the wrong god don't have any resources to find out about the "real" god, and yet they are cursed and damned forever. It makes no sense. It's a scare tactic meant to keep people in their place. Don't even think about other gods or else.

The "mighty and terrible" God doesn't want any graven images around. The Hebrews are to burn graven images with fire, for they are cursed things. Apparently this is the most important of the Ten Commandments, since Moses keeps telling us about it over and over again. If you think the 10C are crucial for living a good and moral life, explain this one to me. I don't get it.

This journey to Canaan has taken 40 years to humble thee. God suffered thee to hunger, then fed thee manna - bread that rained down from the heavens - to prove man does not live on bread alone. No, we also need that sweet elixir that is God's word.

Outside of Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, when have you ever seen it rain food from the heavens? Why hasn't this happened since biblical times? One of every seven people is undernourished, and 25,000 of them will die today.* Where is God?

* more on these numbers:
http://www.worldhunger.org/articles/Learn/world%20hunger%20facts%202002.htm
http://www.poverty.com/

Deuteronomy 5-6

Here are the statutes and judgments which Moses spake in your ears this day. Moses continues rehashing the covenant the chosen people have with God. He reminds them that he alone went up the mountain because they were afraid of God in the form of fire. It's awfully convenient that Moses is always alone when he talks to God - up on a mountain or some other hidden location. This chapter also points out that no one actually saw God; they just heard his voice. Pretty clever there, Moses.

Now you might think we've more than covered the graven image commandment already. You would be wrong. Do not make the likeness of any living thing. Do not bow down to it. Do not serve it. For God is a jealous God. I don't know what else to say about this. It's ridiculous.

Don't take God's name in vain. Keep the Sabbath holy: thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, nor thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thine ox, nor thine ass, nor any of thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates; that thy manservant and thy maidservant may rest as well as thou. Do you know anyone who does this each Sunday? If it's the top 10 list of most important rules, why does almost no one observe it?

Let's see. Honor your father and mother. Don't kill. Don't commit adultery. Don't steal. Don't bear false witness. Don't covet your neighbor's wife, house, field, manservant, maidservant, ox, ass, or anything that is thy neighbor's. When I learned these commandments as a kid, I don't recall anyone mentioning the neighbor's wife is property, on the same level of the ox and ass. Anyway, coveting is very bad. Don't do it.

If the chosen people fear God and keep these super important commandments, it might be well with them and with their children forever! Keep these commandments and love God with all your heart, soul and might, for he brought you out of Egypt with a mighty hand.

Versions of the Ten Commandments we've already covered:
Version 1
Version 2

Deuteronomy 4

Moses drones on endlessly during our reading today. I listened to Thomas and the Bible's podcast on Deut. 4-6, and I recommend it. He reads every word and adds his commentary. Very amusing, especially when Moses will not shut up already. He mused about removing all repetitive text and boiling the first five books of the bible down to each item being stated only one time. He thought he'd end up with maybe 20 pages. I can't overstate how repetitive and ridiculous this book is so far. Moses says the same thing over and over again. He keeps saying the same thing. And then, he'll say the same thing again. After that, he repeats it again. Then he restates it. <stabs eye out with a number 2 pencil>

Here's a fun example. Moses is explaining the graven image commandment. Instead of just saying "no graven images" (or not saying it... recall it was already hammered into the ground in Exodus), he says this:

¹⁶ Lest ye corrupt yourselves, and make you a graven image, the similitude of any figure, the likeness of male or female,

¹⁷ The likeness of any beast that is on the earth, the likeness of any winged fowl that flieth in the air,

¹⁸ The likeness of any thing that creepeth on the ground, the likeness of any fish that is in the waters beneath the earth

 

I GET IT. Don't make a likeness of any figure. Annnd he keeps going:

 

²³ Take heed unto yourselves, lest ye forget the covenant of the LORD your God, which he made with you, and make you a graven image, or the likeness of any thing, which the LORD thy God hath forbidden thee.

²⁴ For the LORD thy God is a consuming fire, even a jealous God.

²⁵ When thou shalt beget children, and children's children, and ye shall have remained long in the land, and shall corrupt yourselves, and make a graven image, or the likeness of any thing, and shall do evil in the sight of the LORD thy God, to provoke him to anger

²⁶ I call heaven and earth to witness against you this day, that ye shall soon utterly perish from off the land whereunto ye go over Jordan to possess it; ye shall not prolong your days upon it, but shall utterly be destroyed.

²⁷ And the LORD shall scatter you among the nations, and ye shall be left few in number among the heathen, whither the LORD shall lead you.

 

If you've made it this far and are still alive, let's think about what Moses is telling us here. First, in case you didn't know, don't make a graven image! How many times do I have to tell you? And if you DO make a graven image, plan on God destroying you and scattering your brood among the nations. This is irrational and tyrannical. It is not the response of a loving and reasonable God. Verse 24 tells us that he's in fact a jealous God. Jealous of a little statue. Someone explain to me the moral and just lesson I'm supposed to be learning here. I don't get it.

 

I was raised Catholic and every church is jam packed with what appears to me to be graven images. Statues, pictures, murals, etc. How does this not break a commandment? What about those little St. Joseph statues people use to sell their houses? And why would God care so much about these images to put them in his Top 10 No No's?

Deuteronomy 1-3

Because I took a substantial break on this project, I reviewed my old work to refresh my memory. I recalled just how torturous it was to get through the first four books. It is terribly hard to read. That's why you haven't read it. Also, it sucks.

Deuteronomy so far is a rehash of what we already know. It begins on the first day of the 11th month of the 40th year of the journey to Canaan, and these be the words of Moses. God is fussy that the group is running in place at Mount Horeb. It is high time the chosen people claimed the land God has set aside for them. Moses names some team leaders - captains over thousands, captains over hundreds, captains over fifties, captains over tens. Twelve men journey ahead of the group to determine the best route. The people still have doubts and fears, and the Lord hears the voice of their words and is very wroth.

Joshua steps up to lead the fight which puts him in very good standing (spoiler alert: he's about to become our next leader). Ye shall not fear them, for the LORD your God he shall fight for you. The journey to Canaan is very violent but it's OK; God has their backs. They are the chosen people, more special than anyone else (I still don't understand why this is so).

Moses recounts how they conquered this land and that king, including Bashon the land of giants. Apparently the giants were bad at slaying normal sized people. That's a shame. They get mowed down like all the rest. The chosen people murder all the men, women and children in their path, then take all the livestock and other spoils for themselves. Those little kids aren't part of the chosen tribe, so tough luck for them. It's God's will, people.

These first three chapters are chock full of gems like this: Jair the son of Manasseh took all the country of Argob unto the coasts of Geshuri and Maachathi; and called them after his own name, Bashanhavothjair, unto this day. Makes you want to read the whole book, right?

A Diversion

I have been having a hard time getting through Deuteronomy. I am trying, but my god. It is beyond terrible.

In other news, I have been re-listening to old podcasts by The Thinking Atheist on my iPod and heard this wonderfulness from 2/29/12 today. I liked it so much I want to put it here:

... it's simply a realization that we live in a real world with real evidence. Cause and effect explains pretty much everything. And the things we don't understand, the things that we're still exploring, well they don't require a fantastic, mythological storybook fantasy. They don't require crazy stories of naked people in a garden or being conjured up from a clot of blood. Or animal spirits. Or looking up at the sky, looking at the stars, reading our horoscopes to see what the stars say about our day.. Should we stay in bed today? Should we go out the front door?! I'm an Aries, I better read up on this. 

We are liberated because we understand we only have each other. We're liberated because we're no longer worried about the eye in the sky threatening hell. And honestly, heaven doesn't sound all that great. An eternity of what? Sitting at the feet of Jesus, telling him how awesome he is? Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God almighty who was and is, and is to come, forever and ever and ever and ever.. zzzzzz... Sign me up!

Don't need it, thank you. We're here for a blip, a blink of an eye. Make the most of every moment. It's all we have. And having that realization, embracing that fact, that truth... it's like having the chains lifted. It's like you can fly. 

Will people understand? Well, most of them, in our religious culture, probably not. Are we going to catch some serious shit for saying it out loud? You bet. Will it be easy? Probably not. But I tell ya, I'll take this life any day over what I had as a Christian. Trying to jam that square peg into a round hole everyday. This is supposed to work. I've got to make this work. It's got to be my fault. It's got to be my fault. I must not have enough faith. I must not have enough knowledge. I must not be using the discernment of the Holy Spirit to understand. I must not be attuned to the voice of God. I need to pray more. I need to go to church more. I need to do this, I need to do that. I've got to be better. It's my fault that this crazy, batshit, Bronze Age document written by anonymous primitives doesn't make sense to me.

The whole thing is gold, but that last bit really resonated with me. It is indeed a crazy, batshit, Bronze Age document written by primitives. And it definitely does not make sense to me.