The most wonderful aspect of Leviticus is that it was easier to read than Exodus. It was mercifully shorter too. That's about all I have for you in the way of positives. Sad.
Leviticus spends a lot of time on rituals and animal sacrifice. We also learned that people are very bad, often unclean and perpetual sinners.
Back in the days of Adam and Eve, humans were vegetarians. During the time of Noah and the flood, we became meat eaters. By Leviticus, God is blood thirsty and pretty much loves dead animals. Hundreds if not thousands of animals are slaughtered in Leviticus. What the hell would God need with a dead animal anyway?
Moses is thought to be the author of this book. What a nice coincidence that the priests get to eat the meat of a burnt offering. The priests of course are Moses' kin.
This book is stupid. The end.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Leviticus 24-27
As you might expect, the Lord spake unto Moses some more in Leviticus 24. Aaron is to tend to the lamps and put out the bread in the tabernacle.
An "Israelitish woman's son" curses the Lord. Big mistake. He is brought before Moses and stoned to death. This chapter repeats a familiar phrase - eye for eye, tooth for tooth. Somehow that explains getting murdered for taking the Lord's name in vain. By this measure, I'd be dead about 20 million times over by now.
Big shock, but in Leviticus 25, the Lord spake unto Moses some more. Fields are to be planted for six years and left fallow during the seventh year. What is it with the number seven? Every 50 years, there will be a jubilee during which slaves will be released. So for all you slaves out there, hold out hope. It's just 50 short years to freedom. It's all part of God's plan, see?
Leviticus 26 explains that all will be well if you keep God's laws. You will be fruitful and live in a peaceful land. If you do not obey God's commandments, you will be punished seven times over. Your farming will go to shit. Wild beasts will rob you of your children and destroy your livestock. Pestilence will visit you, and ye shall be delivered into the hand of the enemy. The land will become desolate, and your family will be scattered around the land. Ye shall eat the flesh of your children, and God's soul will abhor you. But he's a just God who loves you.
Leviticus 27 explains the tithing process. Hey, God needs dough like everybody else. You can also tithe land and livestock - clean beasts only, please.
An "Israelitish woman's son" curses the Lord. Big mistake. He is brought before Moses and stoned to death. This chapter repeats a familiar phrase - eye for eye, tooth for tooth. Somehow that explains getting murdered for taking the Lord's name in vain. By this measure, I'd be dead about 20 million times over by now.
Big shock, but in Leviticus 25, the Lord spake unto Moses some more. Fields are to be planted for six years and left fallow during the seventh year. What is it with the number seven? Every 50 years, there will be a jubilee during which slaves will be released. So for all you slaves out there, hold out hope. It's just 50 short years to freedom. It's all part of God's plan, see?
Leviticus 26 explains that all will be well if you keep God's laws. You will be fruitful and live in a peaceful land. If you do not obey God's commandments, you will be punished seven times over. Your farming will go to shit. Wild beasts will rob you of your children and destroy your livestock. Pestilence will visit you, and ye shall be delivered into the hand of the enemy. The land will become desolate, and your family will be scattered around the land. Ye shall eat the flesh of your children, and God's soul will abhor you. But he's a just God who loves you.
Leviticus 27 explains the tithing process. Hey, God needs dough like everybody else. You can also tithe land and livestock - clean beasts only, please.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Leviticus 22-23
Leviticus 22 explains the eating of an offering. Of course only priests get to partake, and only the best, unblemished animals are to be sacrificed. Quite a racket the sons of Aaron have going.
If a priest is unclean - say, leprosy or a case of the clap - he cannot eat the meat of an offering. You can also become unclean by touching an unclean thing, a dead thing or a creeping thing. To become clean, wash yourself and wait until evening.
Strangers aren't allowed to eat the meat of an offering, but slaves purchased by priests can. What a nice little perk for them. If a priest's daughter marries a foreigner, she is out of the meat offering diners club. But if the ole gal becomes widowed or divorced, doesn't have kids, and comes crawling home to daddy, she's back in again.
There's also rules on how long to keep a bull, sheep or goat before slaughtering it and some other related nonsense, but who cares? God ends this chapter by reminding us not to take his name in vain. He's very uptight about this.
Chapter 23 outlines the feast days and how to handle the sacrificial animal, bread and whatnot. There's wave offerings and drink offerings and so on and so forth. A memorial blowing of the trumpets. A day of atonement. Waving your sheaf before the Lord. Rejoicing by the willows of the brook. And ye shall dwell in booths (tents) seven days.
If a priest is unclean - say, leprosy or a case of the clap - he cannot eat the meat of an offering. You can also become unclean by touching an unclean thing, a dead thing or a creeping thing. To become clean, wash yourself and wait until evening.
Strangers aren't allowed to eat the meat of an offering, but slaves purchased by priests can. What a nice little perk for them. If a priest's daughter marries a foreigner, she is out of the meat offering diners club. But if the ole gal becomes widowed or divorced, doesn't have kids, and comes crawling home to daddy, she's back in again.
There's also rules on how long to keep a bull, sheep or goat before slaughtering it and some other related nonsense, but who cares? God ends this chapter by reminding us not to take his name in vain. He's very uptight about this.
Chapter 23 outlines the feast days and how to handle the sacrificial animal, bread and whatnot. There's wave offerings and drink offerings and so on and so forth. A memorial blowing of the trumpets. A day of atonement. Waving your sheaf before the Lord. Rejoicing by the willows of the brook. And ye shall dwell in booths (tents) seven days.
Leviticus 19-21
God spake unto Moses some more in Leviticus 19, continuing with his instruction on how to be holy. Molten images and taking God's name in vain are still out of the question, but offerings of various dead animals continue to please the Lord greatly. Don't steal, don't deal falsely with others, don't curse the deaf, and don't put a stumbling block in front of a blind person. It's also very important that you refrain from rounding the corners of your head or your beard. If you force yourself on your slave and she's engaged, she will be scourged. Great news though - she won't be put to death because she was not free to decide on the sex connection. So if she's raped, she won't be murdered? Thanks, God! Also, stand up as a gesture of respect to old people, don't mix cattle breeds, and don't get any tattoos.
Favorite verse in Leviticus 19: "Do not prostitute thy daughter, to cause her to be a whore; lest the land fall to whoredom, and the land become full of wickedness." Don't sell your daughter into prostitution, but not because you're concerned for her welfare. Be more concerned with the state of the land, like any good parent would.
The Lord continues to drone on to Moses in Leviticus 20, but he's getting more agitated about all his rules and regulations. God brings up Molech again. Instead of just saying not to worship this counterfeit god, he says you'll be stoned to death if you do. You don't have to read very much of the bible to see how various religions and sects justify murdering people of differing views.
Those who commit adultery or have homosexual sex will be executed. For I am the LORD your God. The next time some numskull says homosexuality is immoral, tell them this part of the bible also says you'll be executed if you curse your parents. If a man sleeps with a gal on the rag (if he uncovers her fountain of blood), they will be cut off from the chosen people forever. How did they police this one? If a man fucks an animal, he will be put to death. And so will the animal. Jesus.
Leviticus 21 focuses more on the sons of Aaron, the priests. They are not to shave their heads, cut their beards or get tattoos. High priests are to keep their heads covered and their clothing in order. They are to marry virgins, not widows, divorcees or harlots. They must not be near dead bodies. This would make it hard to officiate at funerals, no?
The best part of this chapter is the list of who is not eligible for the priesthood. Let's say you're a son of Aaron and are super devoted to the Lord your God. Well, that's not good enough. You're forbidden from becoming a priest if you have a blemish, are blind, lame, have a flat nose or anything superfluous. You are similarly unwelcome if you are brokenfooted, brokenhanded, crook backed, a dwarf, have a blemish in your eye, have scurvy, scabs or are infertile ("broken stones"). You are not holy if you are any of these things. Scram, ugly folk.
Favorite verse in Leviticus 19: "Do not prostitute thy daughter, to cause her to be a whore; lest the land fall to whoredom, and the land become full of wickedness." Don't sell your daughter into prostitution, but not because you're concerned for her welfare. Be more concerned with the state of the land, like any good parent would.
The Lord continues to drone on to Moses in Leviticus 20, but he's getting more agitated about all his rules and regulations. God brings up Molech again. Instead of just saying not to worship this counterfeit god, he says you'll be stoned to death if you do. You don't have to read very much of the bible to see how various religions and sects justify murdering people of differing views.
Those who commit adultery or have homosexual sex will be executed. For I am the LORD your God. The next time some numskull says homosexuality is immoral, tell them this part of the bible also says you'll be executed if you curse your parents. If a man sleeps with a gal on the rag (if he uncovers her fountain of blood), they will be cut off from the chosen people forever. How did they police this one? If a man fucks an animal, he will be put to death. And so will the animal. Jesus.
Leviticus 21 focuses more on the sons of Aaron, the priests. They are not to shave their heads, cut their beards or get tattoos. High priests are to keep their heads covered and their clothing in order. They are to marry virgins, not widows, divorcees or harlots. They must not be near dead bodies. This would make it hard to officiate at funerals, no?
The best part of this chapter is the list of who is not eligible for the priesthood. Let's say you're a son of Aaron and are super devoted to the Lord your God. Well, that's not good enough. You're forbidden from becoming a priest if you have a blemish, are blind, lame, have a flat nose or anything superfluous. You are similarly unwelcome if you are brokenfooted, brokenhanded, crook backed, a dwarf, have a blemish in your eye, have scurvy, scabs or are infertile ("broken stones"). You are not holy if you are any of these things. Scram, ugly folk.
Leviticus 18
It turns out that celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is quite time consuming. I have my work cut out for me finishing Leviticus by the end of the month, but I know that through Him all things are possible. Also, I've already read it. I just need to write up my thoughts.
We have reached the chapter on sexual behavior. Because verse 22 gets so much attention, I'm going to spend this entire post on one chapter.
We see "I am the LORD" six times in a 30-verse chapter. It's just randomly tacked onto the ends of various verses. Try that sometime in your everyday speech, and LORD is always capitalized so put a big emphasis on that. It's in the bible; it must be right.
OK, enough banter. And the Lord spake unto Moses:
We have reached the chapter on sexual behavior. Because verse 22 gets so much attention, I'm going to spend this entire post on one chapter.
We see "I am the LORD" six times in a 30-verse chapter. It's just randomly tacked onto the ends of various verses. Try that sometime in your everyday speech, and LORD is always capitalized so put a big emphasis on that. It's in the bible; it must be right.
OK, enough banter. And the Lord spake unto Moses:
- Do not uncover the nakedness of any of your kin. You would think this covers the topic of getting naked with any family members, but no. God spells out the many variations, so listen up.
- Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father and mother. Various bible translations say "have sex connection" instead of uncovering nakedness. So don't take your parents' pants off, and don't fuck them (your parents, not your pants).
- Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father's wife, also known as your mother.
- Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy sister, whether she be born at home or born abroad.
- Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy son's daughter or of thy daughter's daughter. Sons are OK though.
- Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father's wife's daughter. I think we have some overlap here with #4.
- Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father's sister.
- Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy mother's sister. OK, so no aunt fucking. Glad that took two shalt nots.
- Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father's brother or his wife. Again, why not just leave it at "kin"?
- Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy daughter-in-law. Sons-in-law are fair game though.
- Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy brother's wife, although your sister's husband is up for grabs.
- Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of a woman and her daughter, neither shalt thou take her son's daughter, or her daughter's daughter. This variation is "wickedness." Obviously.
- Neither shalt thou take a wife to her sister, to vex [her], to uncover her nakedness, beside the other in her life [time]. What?
- Thou shalt not have a sex connection with a woman on the rag. God really hates that.
- Thou shalt not lie carnally with thy neighbor's wife, to defile thyself with her. Didn't the all encompassing and perfect Ten Commandments already cover this one?
- And then we have an oddball one about worshiping other gods: Thou shalt not let any of thy seed (aka children) pass through the fire to Molech (a rival god), neither shalt thou profane the name of thy God. Again with taking God's name in vain. Why is God so insecure about this?
- I'm directly quoting this verse, since it gets so much attention: "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it [is] abomination." You hear that, Adam and Steve? God is clear on this one, pree-verts. It is abomination!
- Neither shalt thou lie with any beast to defile thyself therewith: neither shall any woman stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it [is] confusion. So no screwing of the livestock.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Leviticus 16-17
Sometimes I think I should explain more about the footnotes and what this bible babble supposedly means. For example, Leviticus 16 is the foundation of Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement. Then I think, if you want to become a biblical scholar, I might not be your best resource. So if you're wondering why I don't say something that's obvious about a given reading, it probably was not obvious to me as I read this POS. And/or I don't care.
And now, I'll continue summarizing and commenting on my reading in any way I see fit.
The children of Israel are to meet once a year for a mass sin offering. There's dead animals and blood sprinkling and the standard slaughter rituals we've grown accustomed to by now. To me the most interesting thing in Leviticus 16 was the introduction of the scapegoat. Did you know that pushing the blame on an innocent party has a biblical origin? In this case, the priest symbolically places the sins of the Hebrews on the head of a goat. So the first scapegoat was literally a goat. Wild.
If you kill an ox, lamb or goat, and it's not for the purposes of an offering, then you'll be cut off from the chosen people forever. If you eat an animal that died of natural causes or was killed by another animal, you are unclean until the evening and need to wash your clothes. Leviticus 17 rehashes the same tired old dead animal rituals: sprinkling the blood round about the altar and so on.
And they shall no more offer their sacrifices unto devils, after whom they have gone a whoring. What?
If you eat blood (WTF??) you're also out of the gang, for the life of the flesh is in the blood. Also, eating blood would be disgusting.
Short summary today but this book is so GD repetitive. Gear up for next time - Leviticus 18 has some absolute gold about nakedness. It also reveals there's no Adam and Steve... or does it?
And now, I'll continue summarizing and commenting on my reading in any way I see fit.
The children of Israel are to meet once a year for a mass sin offering. There's dead animals and blood sprinkling and the standard slaughter rituals we've grown accustomed to by now. To me the most interesting thing in Leviticus 16 was the introduction of the scapegoat. Did you know that pushing the blame on an innocent party has a biblical origin? In this case, the priest symbolically places the sins of the Hebrews on the head of a goat. So the first scapegoat was literally a goat. Wild.
If you kill an ox, lamb or goat, and it's not for the purposes of an offering, then you'll be cut off from the chosen people forever. If you eat an animal that died of natural causes or was killed by another animal, you are unclean until the evening and need to wash your clothes. Leviticus 17 rehashes the same tired old dead animal rituals: sprinkling the blood round about the altar and so on.
And they shall no more offer their sacrifices unto devils, after whom they have gone a whoring. What?
If you eat blood (WTF??) you're also out of the gang, for the life of the flesh is in the blood. Also, eating blood would be disgusting.
Short summary today but this book is so GD repetitive. Gear up for next time - Leviticus 18 has some absolute gold about nakedness. It also reveals there's no Adam and Steve... or does it?
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Leviticus 13-15
When the plague of leprosy is in you, visit a priest. That's right. Don't go to the doctor. Hightail it to a priest. He will look at your rising of the flesh, scab or bright spot and determine if you have the plague or just a garden variety boil. The color of the sore is meaningful, as is the color of any hair found in the pus bubbles.
If you are afflicted, you will be quarantined. You will need to wash your clothes or maybe even burn them. You might need to shave off all your hair including your eyebrows and beard. Interesting that our timeless God didn't understand we'd conquer leprosy in due time. Or maybe he did realize it -- he is all knowing, after all -- but decided it was still one of the most important things to cover in his holy book.
The Lord tells Moses and Aaron he will afflict some Canaanites with leprosy. They will provide offerings to Aaron or one of his priests, and their houses will be boarded up with stones and plaster. Those poor folks aren't going to know what hit them. And what an immoral, mean thing to do. What have the Canaanites done wrong? Nothing. They just live in the wrong place.
Now it is time for an offering. Find two birds, cedar wood, scarlet and hyssop. Kill one bird. The priest will take the other items and dip them in the blood of the dead bird. He will sprinkle blood on the leper seven times and set the living bird free. The leper will be pronounced clean. Unless he's still unclean, that is. More shaving and ritual sacrifice will ensue, this time two lambs and a ewe. If the leper is poor, one lamb and two turtledoves or pigeons are acceptable. Blood and oil will be rubbed on the leper's right ear, thumb and big toe. The priest will make an atonement and the leper will be clean. If the priest gets mixed up and rubs the bloody oil on your left ear, thumb and toe, I guess you're screwed.
Leviticus 15 addresses man's uncleanness in his issue. Bible translations call it an issue of the seed, unclean flow or discharge. We have unnatural issues (like gonorrhea) and natural issues (semen). Anything a man has worn, touched or sat on when he has his issue is unclean. If you touch anything the unclean man has touched, you too are unclean (so pretty much the entire world is unclean?). After washing up and waiting the required amount of time, your final step to purification involves... can anyone guess? Prayer? Community service? More jacking off? No, sorry. The answer is animal sacrifice.
If a man's seed of copulation touches his wife, they're both unclean. Figure that one out. You'll be shocked to learn that menstruating women are unclean. Everything a gal on the rag wears, sits on, looks at or thinks about it is unclean too. She needs to be locked up for seven days and then take two turtledoves or pigeons to a priest. He will burn them and make an atonement to the Lord for her uncleanness. God created this whole period business, and yet he has a problem with it. He's pretty much an ignorant dick during today's reading. So tell me, if one of the priests gets leprosy, does he dab himself with blood and oil? And if God jacks off, does he offer an animal sacrifice to himself?
If you are afflicted, you will be quarantined. You will need to wash your clothes or maybe even burn them. You might need to shave off all your hair including your eyebrows and beard. Interesting that our timeless God didn't understand we'd conquer leprosy in due time. Or maybe he did realize it -- he is all knowing, after all -- but decided it was still one of the most important things to cover in his holy book.
The Lord tells Moses and Aaron he will afflict some Canaanites with leprosy. They will provide offerings to Aaron or one of his priests, and their houses will be boarded up with stones and plaster. Those poor folks aren't going to know what hit them. And what an immoral, mean thing to do. What have the Canaanites done wrong? Nothing. They just live in the wrong place.
Now it is time for an offering. Find two birds, cedar wood, scarlet and hyssop. Kill one bird. The priest will take the other items and dip them in the blood of the dead bird. He will sprinkle blood on the leper seven times and set the living bird free. The leper will be pronounced clean. Unless he's still unclean, that is. More shaving and ritual sacrifice will ensue, this time two lambs and a ewe. If the leper is poor, one lamb and two turtledoves or pigeons are acceptable. Blood and oil will be rubbed on the leper's right ear, thumb and big toe. The priest will make an atonement and the leper will be clean. If the priest gets mixed up and rubs the bloody oil on your left ear, thumb and toe, I guess you're screwed.
Leviticus 15 addresses man's uncleanness in his issue. Bible translations call it an issue of the seed, unclean flow or discharge. We have unnatural issues (like gonorrhea) and natural issues (semen). Anything a man has worn, touched or sat on when he has his issue is unclean. If you touch anything the unclean man has touched, you too are unclean (so pretty much the entire world is unclean?). After washing up and waiting the required amount of time, your final step to purification involves... can anyone guess? Prayer? Community service? More jacking off? No, sorry. The answer is animal sacrifice.
If a man's seed of copulation touches his wife, they're both unclean. Figure that one out. You'll be shocked to learn that menstruating women are unclean. Everything a gal on the rag wears, sits on, looks at or thinks about it is unclean too. She needs to be locked up for seven days and then take two turtledoves or pigeons to a priest. He will burn them and make an atonement to the Lord for her uncleanness. God created this whole period business, and yet he has a problem with it. He's pretty much an ignorant dick during today's reading. So tell me, if one of the priests gets leprosy, does he dab himself with blood and oil? And if God jacks off, does he offer an animal sacrifice to himself?
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